To feel sorry for my 4 year old

[ApologiesandSanctomony]

With Halloween coming up, dc2 has been letting us know that he absolutely wants to go trick or treating. He loves dressing up, and has excitedly helped put indoor decorations up; it is becoming evident that he loves this time of year. The issue is he will be alone, with dh taking him around. I have tried to focus on doing fun things indoors, but he still wants to go. He is so little, and the thought of him standing at doors on his own, with dh hovering, upsets me.

DD who is 6 is ND, and under no circumstances wants to accompany him. She has made it clear that she wants to stay indoors. DD has said that she wants to play a game where she knocks on a door inside our house, and trick or treats me, then I'm to give her sweets. She doesn't want to dress up, but does wish to wear a Halloween themed top. I'm trying to make the evening fun for her with pizza with ds, and spooky treats. Trick or treaters knocking scare her, so I will be putting a bowl of sweets outside.

I feel so sorry for them both, ds being alone, and it is making it more upsetting to me by the indoor game dd wants to play. If they both were happy indoors having a spooky fun evening it would feel fine.

Has anybody experiencing a similar situation? I just feel abit sad for them both.

'This is all really silly, and actually really unfair that you are putting this 'sadness' on your dd'

Oh gosh no, I would never ever do that.

'It is a bit sad if you don’t have any Mum friends with kids of similar ages. Most people have built these relationships at playgroups,

With covid couples with circumstances we missed out on toddler groups. I have plenty of Mum friends at nursery, but they live further away and aren't going, or have other plans!

My LO is 4 and most of her classmates are mostly only children. Last year it was normal for one child and their parent to be knocking at our door

I don't see the problem. They could just do a few local houses who have pumpkins outside as it starts to get dark, then come home and answer the door to other t&t ers. I find my kids (and I!) enjoyed that bit more anyway

'It is a bit sad if you don’t have any Mum friends with kids of similar ages. Most people have built these relationships at playgroups, childminders or nurseries by now but it’s not too late. Isn’t he at reception yet with a class WhatsApp group? In my area you get the odd single parent with a kid or two trick or treating but mostly it’s a few mums with a gang of kids who’ve probably got together over the kids. Ask the other parents wherever he mingles what they are up to that night, you’ll find others in a similar situation.'

You see it's comments like this that fuel my feelings. No he isn't in reception, he is too young.

'I don't see the problem. They could just do a few local houses who have pumpkins outside as it starts to get dark, then come home and answer the door to other t&t ers. I find my kids (and I!) enjoyed that bit more anyway.'

No as I said early dd is ND, scared of trick or treaters, answering the door isn't am options and sweets go outside. It is the thought of dd masking her feelings, mimicking trick or treating in the house that is upsetting to me, not just ds being disappointed she isn't going and alone.

I think trick or treating with your parent at 4 is an absolutely normal thing to do.

If you want company, can you invite a friend and similar age dc over, maybe feed them an easy tea (hotdogs are easy and feel quite halloweeny I think) and then go together?

I think your dd's game sounds like great fun and a good way to trick or treat in a way that feels safe!

@ApologiesandSanctomony

When you have a child with SEN it's usually the unexpected little things that get to you. It's tough, but you can't minimise DS's experiences to make DD happy, nor should you push DD out of her comfort zone to appease DS. Yes, it is sad he wants her to go and she doesn't feel able, but he needs to understand she's entitled to her feelings too. Can you make him see how he'd feel if pushed you do something he thinks is scary, not fun?

you're lucky not to be a single parent and to be able to indulge both children.

We’ve taken our 7 year old DD every year since she was 3, as she loves Halloween. She’s an only and it has never occurred to us that it’s sad for her to go on her own. She has a fun time and we all enjoy going together - what’s sad about that? She gets to participate just like everybody else can.

It’s extremely common for small ones to go with only a parent
older primary school kids are the ones in groups, either by themselves or with a parent on the back
he gets one-on-one fun with dad, your DD gets one-on-one fun with mum, all perfectly happy times

Can each do their own thing and then something together like making cup cakes?

Spooky cupcakes obvs. 🕷️🕸️

You are WAY overthinking it. One kid does what they want and another does what they want. You are with one kid and your husband is with the other. Your small one won't care who goes with him as long as he gets to knock on doors and get treats. Trick or treating does not take long at all and he will be home and you can enjoy the rest of Halloween together. It really is much ado about nothing.

@DaftQuestionForToday

Thank you so much for you kind and understanding comment. I think that's exactly right, I'm always learning the little things, and trying to navigate the best way to please both dcs. Your comment about being a single parent absolutely hammers it home, my dcs are very lucky indeed that they get both their needs met. It is difficult with dds, she wants to do alot of things that she is scared to do, gets jealous of ds etc.

If you don't want people knocking because it scares your little girl then don't put a pumpkin or sweets outside because that's the "sign" for trick and treaters welcome.
You should only ever trick and treat at houses that are decorated.
Your son and his Dad can go out for an hour or so and then come home and do stuff with his sister.

It's normal for little ones to be with a parent, but you may meet others and sort of unofficially join up I found. I used to dress up ddog with horns

Why do you feel sad?

Your son can go trick/treating with his Dad.
Your daughter has a fun night in the safety of her home with you.

I assume that as he is only 4y, he’ll be home early and you can all have dinner and play some spooky games together

YABU. There’s nothing sad about this at all.

@MidnightOnceMore · Today 10:53

'I think you sound like great parents - supporting two different children to do the things they each want!'

'Lucky kids! Imagine either a) making your DD go out or b) making your DS stay in - both of those would be much more sad IMO.'

Aww thank you for your lovely comment, I constantly feel like I'm winging it! That is really kind of you to say.

It’s totally normal just to go with a parent- probably half the TTers we get are like this.

I’d encourage your partner to join in the fun and make sure he points out costumes and decorations etc, rather than feeling self-conscious or second best.

@gotomomo

Thank you, no little ones around here that go, but all of the more sweets for ds I suppose.

Like this 😂

You must have built his expectations up very high so at 4 he's excited to go trick or treating especially if his older sister is so frightened of it?

My youngest had to do it by himself, took dog once who we dressed up. He loved it as no one held him back he just ran along to the pumpkin houses. He's a teenager now so no longer does it and this will be the first year we've not given out sweets.

Can't you ask a friend from school if they want to go with him? Well, ask the mum, obviously....