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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at DH for agreeing to work away?

428 replies

Wellwellw · 16/10/2023 09:31

I suspect I know the Mumsnet consensus before I even post and it is that I’m BU but I just can’t help being so annoyed.

Working away is not in any way a prerequisite of DH’s job, if it were I wouldn’t want to be married to him and certainly wouldn’t have had children with him. I know lots of people deal with it and are ok with it but it’s not for me at all. Mostly because I also work FT in a high stress job so parenting and running a household is very much a joint venture and not something I want to do alone.

He has the odd night away (talking 1-2 times a year max) because there’s an early morning meeting somewhere 4-5 hours away and that’s absolutely fine. I was also fine with this particular trip to begin with because it was supposed to be Wednesday morning- Friday evening. This meant that to fit around my working hours, FIL only had to step in to drop DC off at school/nursery on the Wednesday morning and collect them on the Thursday evening. Not an issue. I knew the Thursday would be stressful because I teach 11-5 and have an hour+ commute (usually longer in rush hour obviously) either way which takes it out of me. FIL also has a tendency to let DC run amok and trash the entire house so I knew I’d have to return to not only put DC to bed but also tidy their huge mess. It was a one off though so I was ok with it.

The trip then changed to Tuesday morning-Friday afternoon. His boss decided they should attend a separate meeting on the Tuesday afternoon as well. This added a lot more pressure because Tuesday is by far my longest day at work, I teach 9-5 pretty much solidly and I’m always utterly exhausted when I return home. This also meant FIL would have to step in to not only drop but also collect DC from school/nursery on this day. For reference, DC1 is in breakfast and after school club which starts 7:45 and ends 5:30pm and DC2 in nursery 8-6. Due to my long commute and most often added traffic, I can’t drop or collect them on the Tuesday at all meaning FIL would have to do both. As I say, he’d also no doubt let them trash the house again so by the time I got home after a very long day at work I’d be left picking up the pieces on top of bathing and putting two young DC to bed. Not fun.

It got worse when DH dropped the bombshell on Friday evening that his boss had booked the flights and they now wouldn’t be returning until Saturday afternoon. This added an extra dilemma of who would take DC1 to drama on Saturday morning because it’s too far away to drop him and return home so DH or I usually go with him and sit in the car for an hour until he’s done. DC2 will not sit in the car for an hour, he’s an incredibly active boy so I’d have to find something else to do with him in the area but it’s honestly in the middle of nowhere so no softplay etc around. Might just end up letting him loose in a field somewhere to pass the time…

On top of that, I was prepared for DH to return home Friday afternoon and it meant I could at least have a relaxing Friday evening. Instead, I’ll have to do dinner and bedtime alone again on Friday and then get them up the next day to get DC1 to drama. It’s just not great really and I’m super pissed off. I barely spoke to him on Friday night and most of Saturday because I was just seething. I know it’s a work trip so not something he’s doing for fun but I think it’s the fact a 2 day trip has somehow transformed into 5 days and I wasn’t prepared for that.

OP posts:
BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 16/10/2023 22:22

I’d be annoyed, but it does seem somewhat pointless to sulk over it now. It doesn’t sound as if it exactly his fault that this has happened, but talk to him about how you feel overwhelmed and ask him to speak to his boss about sticking to actual work hours, next time.

ToadOnTheHill · 16/10/2023 22:27

Pull the other one.

his mean boss made him stay until saturday....yeah fucking right. Hes gagging for the pub in a friday, a lie in, time off in lieu and dodging parenting.

HangingOnTillChristmas · 16/10/2023 22:39

I'm the opposite op, mine has always worked abroad for the entire time we've been married. I see him for a total of six weeks per year.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
It was hard at times when the kids were babies, but it was my decision to start a family, so I just got on with it.
It was harder for him because he missed their milestones and them growing up.
We didn't have the internet and mobiles when mine were little, just one short phone call to the landline on a Thursday evening.
You just need to be strong mentally. It does get easier.
Mine is talking about retirement in around five years time and that scares me more than him being away, mainly because we've never been together for long periods of time.
Hopefully he'll take up golf or something to get out from under my feet every day.

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 16/10/2023 22:59

So op hasn't even returned to her thread..

SabrinaThwaite · 16/10/2023 23:16

@HangingOnTillChristmas I’m intrigued as to what your DH does (I’m assuming it’s not 6 banks, 2 post offices and 20 years).

SacAMain · 16/10/2023 23:30

SabrinaThwaite · 16/10/2023 23:16

@HangingOnTillChristmas I’m intrigued as to what your DH does (I’m assuming it’s not 6 banks, 2 post offices and 20 years).

😂

Jadeybabez · 17/10/2023 00:25

I mean, get meals ready before your husband leaves & put them in the freezer to just get out the day it's needed, even with minimal freezer space this is doable. Skip baths Tuesday and Thursday, it won't hurt. Take toys, books, snacks etc for dc2 to sit in the car on drama day, even let them sit on your lap n pretend to drive etc. I totally get why you're annoyed, I would be too but there is a way around it all.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 17/10/2023 00:26

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 16/10/2023 22:59

So op hasn't even returned to her thread..

Because she's been, mostly, soundly called out for her resentment of parenting

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 17/10/2023 00:27

Also, DH is being criticised for "dodging parenting" by staying one extra night and maybe deciding to enjoy a night out abroad... whilst OP is complaining about having to spend one whole hour looking after her child

LameBorzoi · 17/10/2023 01:53

@ToadOnTheHill And what's wrong with that?

Millybob · 17/10/2023 02:07

If he's senior enough to be travelling for work, then he's senior enough to change his flight times.

MooFroo · 17/10/2023 02:10

Takeaway on your long working days and get a cleaner or just live with the mess for a couple of days?

annoying but a bit of pre planning and all good, especially as you have some help from FIL so it’s more of the in home stuff to sort - throw some money at it!

Chevronica · 17/10/2023 02:40

In 20+ years of travel for work I’ve never worked anywhere that would have put me up for another night after a meeting that ended at 2pm. Even the most generous companies I’ve worked for wanted to keep travel and expenses as low as was reasonably possible. And I’ve never had a flight booked for me without specifically okaying it first. So that part seems really odd to me.

Flatandhappy · 17/10/2023 03:10

I call bullshit, there has been an end of trip dinner planned for the Friday night that your DH wants to stay for and “boss has booked flights” is an excuse. DH travelled a lot but would always do me the courtesy of checking if trips were ok even when there was little wiggle room. Demanding he has his flight changed to Friday probably won’t work this time because he won’t want to lose face but I would be planning a solo weekend away very soon.

MeMySonAnd1 · 17/10/2023 03:58

Flatandhappy · 17/10/2023 03:10

I call bullshit, there has been an end of trip dinner planned for the Friday night that your DH wants to stay for and “boss has booked flights” is an excuse. DH travelled a lot but would always do me the courtesy of checking if trips were ok even when there was little wiggle room. Demanding he has his flight changed to Friday probably won’t work this time because he won’t want to lose face but I would be planning a solo weekend away very soon.

Flights tend to be much cheaper on Saturday than on Friday as a rule. Many companies prefer to pay for an extra night to save on flights. Yes, people tend to get a relaxed end of the day on Friday with their colleagues which is, in many cases, invaluable for networking / career progression.

I would put my foot down if the trips were happening regularly but for once in a blue moon, I would let it go, deal with and benefit from time on my own when my partner comes back.

JMSA · 17/10/2023 04:06

Single parent of 3 here who works full-time.
I think you're being a bit precious, sorry.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 17/10/2023 05:07

If its a one off it is no big deal. Reduce the activities and make it work like many other single parents do. If it is going to become a regular working away situation then you need to have a long frank chat to your husband about either changing his job or sorting better childcare. Agree how often he can work away/ how it will work and that he needs to talk to his employer about needing more notice or additional benefits to cover the cost of the additional childcare that will be required as this seems to be a new and sudden change to his role.

bluejelly · 17/10/2023 05:25

Hearmenow23 · 16/10/2023 10:21

  1. You don't need to tidy up for one week- just leave it this time.
  2. Cancel drama or see if another parent can take this week. It's not essential and is causing too much stress.
  3. Dc don't need bathing every night. It will be ok.
  4. Shop accordingly and buy ready meals, pizza etc.

It's not ideal, but I've been there with dh- he was often away with 2 dc under 2, and yes I was a miserable cow sometimes as I think it's fear of not being able to cope. Id cut him some slack this time.

This is good advice. Let things slide for a bit. Trying to continue as normal will just stress you out.

Bearcub101 · 17/10/2023 05:43

Jeez it’s a once off. Anyone would think it’s a weekly occursnce. Can’t you manage your own dc and schedule for a few nights? I was away almost weekly when the kids were young, dp just got on with it. We used in laws and wrap around care, tackled the house on a Sunday, and the dc ate easy meals I.e chicken dippers, smiles and beans. (Ds looked forward to this rather than mums healthy home cooked meals lol).

Talltall · 17/10/2023 06:03

@Wellwellw

you are being unreasonable
he couldn’t help it
work around it

Wordsmithery · 17/10/2023 06:11

Yes it's annoying. But I was a single mum of two for 16 years with no FIL to help and I suspect that was even more annoying.
Enlist help from outside. Get your local nursery to provide a babysitter or nanny who can help after work. Another pair of hands will make a huge difference.
Get a takeaway and have a glass of wine once kids are in bed.
And you really don't need softplay to entertain a child. An open space and a ball or bubble wand can entertain for hours, as long as you put a bit of effort in.

angsanana · 17/10/2023 06:13

It's a week, OP. Get over it.

HurricaneLife · 17/10/2023 06:21

Wow I’m glad my husband doesn’t act up or create drama over me working away.

We both work FT, much longer hours than what you’ve posted and have two DC, now primary school age. I regularly have to go away, rarely less than 5 days but sometimes up to 3 weeks. If he stopped speaking to me or tried to make me feel guilty I’d be pretty pissed off. Equally if he goes away it’s not a drama. The odd club or activity might get missed, the house might be a little messier, there might be some beige convenient meals but we cope. Plus we have zero family support.

You are being very unreasonable!

BusyMum47 · 17/10/2023 07:00

It's his JOB & beyond his control.
It's once in a blue moon.
You're a perfectly capable adult & they're your kids.
You have free help in the form of FIL.

This sort of thing pops up all the time in marriage/parenthood - is it really that much of a big deal?

SallyWD · 17/10/2023 07:39

Flatandhappy · 17/10/2023 03:10

I call bullshit, there has been an end of trip dinner planned for the Friday night that your DH wants to stay for and “boss has booked flights” is an excuse. DH travelled a lot but would always do me the courtesy of checking if trips were ok even when there was little wiggle room. Demanding he has his flight changed to Friday probably won’t work this time because he won’t want to lose face but I would be planning a solo weekend away very soon.

Jesus, even if they did just want to stay for dinner so what?! Better than rushing back on a late flight. The OP has to prepare dinner for her own children and then take them to drama on the Saturday morning! Big deal. I do that all the time. My DH does it when I'm away. And it's fine because we're fully capable adults who can take care of our own children.

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