To be pissed off at DH for agreeing to work away?

[Wellwellw]

I suspect I know the Mumsnet consensus before I even post and it is that I’m BU but I just can’t help being so annoyed.

Working away is not in any way a prerequisite of DH’s job, if it were I wouldn’t want to be married to him and certainly wouldn’t have had children with him. I know lots of people deal with it and are ok with it but it’s not for me at all. Mostly because I also work FT in a high stress job so parenting and running a household is very much a joint venture and not something I want to do alone.

He has the odd night away (talking 1-2 times a year max) because there’s an early morning meeting somewhere 4-5 hours away and that’s absolutely fine. I was also fine with this particular trip to begin with because it was supposed to be Wednesday morning- Friday evening. This meant that to fit around my working hours, FIL only had to step in to drop DC off at school/nursery on the Wednesday morning and collect them on the Thursday evening. Not an issue. I knew the Thursday would be stressful because I teach 11-5 and have an hour+ commute (usually longer in rush hour obviously) either way which takes it out of me. FIL also has a tendency to let DC run amok and trash the entire house so I knew I’d have to return to not only put DC to bed but also tidy their huge mess. It was a one off though so I was ok with it.

The trip then changed to Tuesday morning-Friday afternoon. His boss decided they should attend a separate meeting on the Tuesday afternoon as well. This added a lot more pressure because Tuesday is by far my longest day at work, I teach 9-5 pretty much solidly and I’m always utterly exhausted when I return home. This also meant FIL would have to step in to not only drop but also collect DC from school/nursery on this day. For reference, DC1 is in breakfast and after school club which starts 7:45 and ends 5:30pm and DC2 in nursery 8-6. Due to my long commute and most often added traffic, I can’t drop or collect them on the Tuesday at all meaning FIL would have to do both. As I say, he’d also no doubt let them trash the house again so by the time I got home after a very long day at work I’d be left picking up the pieces on top of bathing and putting two young DC to bed. Not fun.

It got worse when DH dropped the bombshell on Friday evening that his boss had booked the flights and they now wouldn’t be returning until Saturday afternoon. This added an extra dilemma of who would take DC1 to drama on Saturday morning because it’s too far away to drop him and return home so DH or I usually go with him and sit in the car for an hour until he’s done. DC2 will not sit in the car for an hour, he’s an incredibly active boy so I’d have to find something else to do with him in the area but it’s honestly in the middle of nowhere so no softplay etc around. Might just end up letting him loose in a field somewhere to pass the time…

On top of that, I was prepared for DH to return home Friday afternoon and it meant I could at least have a relaxing Friday evening. Instead, I’ll have to do dinner and bedtime alone again on Friday and then get them up the next day to get DC1 to drama. It’s just not great really and I’m super pissed off. I barely spoke to him on Friday night and most of Saturday because I was just seething. I know it’s a work trip so not something he’s doing for fun but I think it’s the fact a 2 day trip has somehow transformed into 5 days and I wasn’t prepared for that.

Having been a single parent for 16 years, one of the children with a disability and the main breadwinner, paying a mortgage etc, and that could be a lot worse, I would say in the grand scheme of "I didn't sign up for this" then your issue seems fairly minor.

I think it’sa but shit of your husband tbh. But if he can’t change it I’d not be tidying the house either day - let DH deal with that when he gets home. And I’d probably skip bath time unless the DC are filthy or need that routine. Make it a bit easier for yourself

You seem to be a bit if a control freak. Sorry but some people have to do this all the time.

Longest time apart about 8 months. 2 kids. I work long hours. Very little family help. I find my routine, house is still clean & tidy, get the bed to myself. Happy days.
It's something I'm used to from day 1, but I do appreciate others may not be so accommodating to the time apart. But it's just a few days. You will be ok.

I read the title thinking your husband had agreed to a permanent working away from home arrangement without consulting you.
Your reaction is an bit over the top to a work trip and it’s extremely common for more meetings to be put in place when clients realise you have travelled to their area. This is not your husbands fault so being cold to him and expecting a spa day is coming across as a bit over the top unless there is more to it.

You sound stressed and a bit panicked, can you put something fun and stress free in with the kids? Are takeouts or a cafe type meal possible to lighten the load? Sorry if they are not due to finances. You will be OK

Exactly and the tit for tat approach and suggestions of 'punishing' him by forcing him to do housework when he returns is just ridiculous.

So if he’s got home Friday he’d have come home from a long business trip and had to run around after kids and cook for you? So you could relax?? Or would you both then share duties?
I would suggest making dinner as easy as possible Friday night rather than get stressed about it, whether that’s cooking double Thursday night to reheat for Friday, or have something simple Friday like take away chips or throwing pizza in the oven and doing salad with it….
As for drama…. Yes either let the other child run around in a field for an hour or simply skip a week!
As for coming home to a mess…. Make kids help clear it away, or just do a bit and leave the rest. Hubby could always help you Sunday.

No no no. Does this work both ways - would you just drop everything for a work trip and expect him to deal with it? People have responsibilities and bosses need to respect that. What if one of the people on this trip had been a single parent - how would they have coped with all these extensions? Especially as you say working away is not a prerequisite of the job.

It isn't ok for DH to just expect you to suck it up. He should be working with you to find a plan that works for your family, not just dropping the ball.

Are takeouts or a cafe type meal possible to lighten the load? Sorry if they are not due to finances.
If OPs husband loses his job due to her attitude finances will be much tighter.

All complete strawman examples.
The fact is the OPs husband isn't a single parent, the OP is in a position to take on a little bit of extra childcare with the help of a family member.
Yes people have family responsibilities, but that doesn't mean you should stop being flexible altogether when your family set up clearly allows for it.

Lots of people work in jobs where things crop us last min and you make it work as often that flexibility is reciprocated.

And before you ask, yes I have had to drop everything for a work trip and have expected my DH to deal with it....and it was for longer than 4 nights!! Thankfully my DH doesn't parenting his own child as a chore and he is supportive of my career.

It isn't ok for DH to just expect you to suck it up. He should be working with you to find a plan that works for your family, not just dropping the ball.

In what way has be dropped the ball? His own dad is stepping in to support the OP. Other than cancel he trip what else are you expecting him to do?

I’d be seething over the Friday to Saturday thing. It just smacks of men making life easier for themselves without a thought for anyone else. This means they can have a nice relaxing time on Friday night doesn’t it? And the fact you can’t really blame DH because his boss, surprise! another man, has done it makes it more annoying not less.

Bet you won’t see him til really late on Saturday as well. Sorry OP I’m not really helping but you have my sympathy.

This means they can have a nice relaxing time on Friday night doesn’t it?

And? Why is this a problem?

It shouldn't be, everyone deserves some down time. So OPs DH should be supporting the OP in getting some relaxation time when he gets back, but then would be considered tit for tat...?

It shouldn't be, everyone deserves some down time. So OPs DH should be supporting the OP in getting some relaxation time when he gets back, but then would be considered tit for tat...?

I never said he shouldn't support her getting some down time but that should be happening anyway? Not just because he's working away for 4 nights.

OP has already said that flying on Friday would mean he gets home late. So in that case nobody gets a relaxing evening.

OP has already said that flying on Friday would mean he gets home late. So in that case nobody gets a relaxing evening.

Exactly 🤷🏼‍♀️
It's not like he's staying another week. It's one night!

But when does it stop becoming partners supporting each other and become tit for tat?

My DH is about to go away for work for 17 nights, which includes two full weekends where he won't be travelling or working, because of this he's suggested I go away for the weekend sometime soon. He's done this as he realises that I'll be carrying the whole family load for the time he is away and that that is very different to our general day to day set up and that I'll need the downtime. I'm only getting that weekend because he is going away, is that tit for tat, or partners being supportive of each other?

And the fact you can’t really blame DH because his boss, surprise! another man, has done it makes it more annoying not less.

Unless I missed something, I don't think the boss's gender was specified...

But when does it stop becoming partners supporting each other and become tit for tat?

My DH is about to go away for work for 17 nights, which includes two full weekends where he won't be travelling or working, because of this he's suggested I go away for the weekend sometime soon. He's done this as he realises that I'll be carrying the whole family load for the time he is away and that that is very different to our general day to day set up and that I'll need the downtime. I'm only getting that weekend because he is going away, is that tit for tat, or partners being supportive of each other?

It's a nice thing clearly.
It becomes tit for tat if that weekend away becomes a condition of him 'being allowed' to go on a work trip as some were suggesting.

I understand this from both sides, both me and DH work away and it can be for a week or two weeks due to the distance. Work trips are never easy and being at home alone isn't either but I would never begrudge my DH some down time as part of the trip and vice versa.

Ask the OP. It’s clearly a problem for her that DH is getting back sometime on the Saturday (quite late, we can guess, given what’s already been said about flights) instead of Friday night.

You’re right. I thought it had been specified. I was wrong.

Ask the OP. It’s clearly a problem for her that DH is getting back sometime on the Saturday (quite late, we can guess, given what’s already been said about flights) instead of Friday night.

.....and that's the OPs prerogative.
The OP asked if she was being unreasonable. Clearly the majority think she is....

Basically this 👆🏼. OMG there are parents out there parenting alone for days and weeks at a time (or permanently for some)….

@GCSister but it is still tit for tat, even if it is a nice thing. At the end of the day the OPs DH had to go, there is no 'allowing' and I think all pp have been suggesting is that as her DH is getting that downtime on the Friday night, it's only fair that she gets some too, especially as her week will have been more difficult as her DH hasn't been there. The OP is unreasonable to be taking this out on her DH but I don't think she is being unreasonable for feeling overwhelmed and annoyed.

Out of interest what is hard about being the one in the work trip? I'd really like to try and understand DHs perspective on this as all I can see at the moment is that whilst this is out of his comfort zone and he'll miss us he'll also get lots of positives from the experience. Whilst all I'll get is extra work!