To be pissed off at DH for agreeing to work away?

[Wellwellw]

I suspect I know the Mumsnet consensus before I even post and it is that I’m BU but I just can’t help being so annoyed.

Working away is not in any way a prerequisite of DH’s job, if it were I wouldn’t want to be married to him and certainly wouldn’t have had children with him. I know lots of people deal with it and are ok with it but it’s not for me at all. Mostly because I also work FT in a high stress job so parenting and running a household is very much a joint venture and not something I want to do alone.

He has the odd night away (talking 1-2 times a year max) because there’s an early morning meeting somewhere 4-5 hours away and that’s absolutely fine. I was also fine with this particular trip to begin with because it was supposed to be Wednesday morning- Friday evening. This meant that to fit around my working hours, FIL only had to step in to drop DC off at school/nursery on the Wednesday morning and collect them on the Thursday evening. Not an issue. I knew the Thursday would be stressful because I teach 11-5 and have an hour+ commute (usually longer in rush hour obviously) either way which takes it out of me. FIL also has a tendency to let DC run amok and trash the entire house so I knew I’d have to return to not only put DC to bed but also tidy their huge mess. It was a one off though so I was ok with it.

The trip then changed to Tuesday morning-Friday afternoon. His boss decided they should attend a separate meeting on the Tuesday afternoon as well. This added a lot more pressure because Tuesday is by far my longest day at work, I teach 9-5 pretty much solidly and I’m always utterly exhausted when I return home. This also meant FIL would have to step in to not only drop but also collect DC from school/nursery on this day. For reference, DC1 is in breakfast and after school club which starts 7:45 and ends 5:30pm and DC2 in nursery 8-6. Due to my long commute and most often added traffic, I can’t drop or collect them on the Tuesday at all meaning FIL would have to do both. As I say, he’d also no doubt let them trash the house again so by the time I got home after a very long day at work I’d be left picking up the pieces on top of bathing and putting two young DC to bed. Not fun.

It got worse when DH dropped the bombshell on Friday evening that his boss had booked the flights and they now wouldn’t be returning until Saturday afternoon. This added an extra dilemma of who would take DC1 to drama on Saturday morning because it’s too far away to drop him and return home so DH or I usually go with him and sit in the car for an hour until he’s done. DC2 will not sit in the car for an hour, he’s an incredibly active boy so I’d have to find something else to do with him in the area but it’s honestly in the middle of nowhere so no softplay etc around. Might just end up letting him loose in a field somewhere to pass the time…

On top of that, I was prepared for DH to return home Friday afternoon and it meant I could at least have a relaxing Friday evening. Instead, I’ll have to do dinner and bedtime alone again on Friday and then get them up the next day to get DC1 to drama. It’s just not great really and I’m super pissed off. I barely spoke to him on Friday night and most of Saturday because I was just seething. I know it’s a work trip so not something he’s doing for fun but I think it’s the fact a 2 day trip has somehow transformed into 5 days and I wasn’t prepared for that.

Very unreasonable, 4 days is nothing and these 'stressful' things are just everyday life for most mothers. You need to get some real problems!

5 days? Get a grip. You're being beyond controlling and pathetic. Some of my work trips have been optional but I've done them for development or just fun, as does DH (he gets to go skiing with work, I wouldn't dream of not "letting" him!) and we are both in pressured roles with kids. We are grown adults that can manage.

You'd plan a solo weekend away just because your DH had been away for a work trip?
And so what if some socialising is taking place on the Friday? That's usually one of the few perks of a work trip! Do you resent your DH having fun?

I added an extra couple of days onto my last trip to do some sightseeing. According to some posters on this thread my DH should be outraged at the audacity of me expecting him to look after his own child and should have disappeared on his tit for tat trip the second I walked through the door 🙄

😂😂 love that. No, he works in the middle East in military defence.

It doesn't sound like it's equal parenting though, if your DH usually does dinner, getting them ready for bed and tidying up. It sounds like your routine is currently set up entirely to facilitate your working life and you're really struggling to have to do what he does most of the time. The fact you wanted to immediately hand them over to him on the Friday night after he's been working all week too doesn't seem particularly fair, unless this is what he does every week.

Kindly, this is a really disproportionate reaction to looking after your own children for a few days, and specially with them being in childcare most of the time and additional support from FIL. Is it coming from a place of anxiety or lack of confidence? That's very understandable and acknowledging it would probably elicit a lot more empathy. It's daunting being in charge of two small children - I always used to get nervous before a weekend alone with mine and I think it came out in the 'wrong way' for a while. DH would get frustrated that he couldn't ever relax when he was out for a night or working past bedtime (all very reasonable occasions - nothing excessive or unnecessary) and it all became a bit tit for tat and transactional.

The more I solo parent now the easier it gets and I really quite enjoy it now. They're only 2 (nearly 3) and 1 so still tiny but it all feels less stressful. The fact everyone feels they have a bit more freedom massively out weighs being knackered.

Good luck - I hope it goes well. You might even feel really proud of yourself when it's done!

Theres a few issues going on here:
Your DH is being an ass and obviously has not told his boss that he has children at home and cant just stay off an extra day without making arrangements. (I suspect your DH is very happy to stay away longer.)
Drama class can be missed.
You seem to be treating your FIL with very little respect, bearing in mind he clearly helps you a lot.......
You and your DH are responsible for having your children with these high powered, stressful jobs. These are both your responsibilities.
Lots of parents work much longer hours than 9 to 5.

Your DH is however still taking the piss.

Frankly, if I was away for work and my dp cancelled a kid's class because he was doing the parenting on his own (apart from help from a grandparent!) I would be seriously unimpressed.

Your DH is being an ass and obviously has not told his boss that he has children at home and cant just stay off an extra day without making arrangements.

You do realise the boss’s response would be that those children have two parents? I wouldn’t have told my boss that and I was a single parent.

Her DH is an ass and raking the piss for going on a 4 night work trip which only happens twice a year?! Good God.

"Making arrangements"

There's an arrangement in place. OP can look after youngest for an hour.

It's not like the two DC have classes on different sides of town at the same time. OP just can't deal with DC for an hour

Your DH is being an ass and obviously has not told his boss that he has children at home and cant just stay off an extra day without making arrangements.
There are arrangements in place. What else is he supposed to arrange?

Ah, that makes sense!

Obviously do what you want.

But one thing to note Rolls Royce (aero engines), just announced 2,500 redundancies. (Mainly focused on management and admin)

No idea what DH does, but I think the days where a middle class Excel spreadsheet maker can tell there boss to shove it, and walk straight I to a better job are over.

My work don't book flights if it means you will be driving home at an unsociable hour as they say it is too dangerous to land late and then drive home.

No, Sally. Her DH is being an ass for letting his boss re arrange plans without checking with him. I never said that he was taking the piss for a 4 day trip.....

I'm sure the boss can avoid any family commitments by coming back on the Saturday but that doesn't give them any right to put that on another family and especially without consultation

I think as @tttigress says, bosses can do pretty much as they like without “consultation”. Employment isn’t a democracy.

It's one Saturday 😂😂😂😂😂

One Saturday would cause me quite a few problems at short notice

We don't know this is short notice. It's enough notice for OP to come and bitch about it....

Well OP has said it means she'll have to take one child to drama and amuse the other one for an hour. This is the sort of thing most parents do every week (often more than once a week). I'm having an evening like that today, and again on Thursday. My DH will be doing the juggling next week when I'm away.
OP has been pretty lucky up to now if she's never had to do it before!

But it really doesn't for the OP though does it?

Does your DH not say no to his boss, is he being bullied?

Some of these responses are so odd. Take this one, the poster clearly doesn’t travel long haul for work. But even if she did, who cares that the companies she’s worked for didn’t allow it. Mine does. I’ve regularly left on a Sunday or commenced return on a sat.

snd the poster saying he’s gagging for the pub and to get out of parenting. Blimey. So what if he’s having an evening with his manager and not rushing to the airport to get home late on a Friday night. Family life isn’t some sort of prison. Taking care of your own child isn’t like doing a stint in the workhouse. A decent partnership and if she wants a night away he should facilitate it, as long as one of them doesn’t take the piss and do it every week and not support the other too.

but one extra night away very rarely. It certainly shouldn’t be an issue in a healthy relationship.

In the real world most people don’t say no to their manager if they value their job and future career prospects. Particularly over something as trivial as an additional overnight stay.