To be pissed off at DH for agreeing to work away?

[Wellwellw]

I suspect I know the Mumsnet consensus before I even post and it is that I’m BU but I just can’t help being so annoyed.

Working away is not in any way a prerequisite of DH’s job, if it were I wouldn’t want to be married to him and certainly wouldn’t have had children with him. I know lots of people deal with it and are ok with it but it’s not for me at all. Mostly because I also work FT in a high stress job so parenting and running a household is very much a joint venture and not something I want to do alone.

He has the odd night away (talking 1-2 times a year max) because there’s an early morning meeting somewhere 4-5 hours away and that’s absolutely fine. I was also fine with this particular trip to begin with because it was supposed to be Wednesday morning- Friday evening. This meant that to fit around my working hours, FIL only had to step in to drop DC off at school/nursery on the Wednesday morning and collect them on the Thursday evening. Not an issue. I knew the Thursday would be stressful because I teach 11-5 and have an hour+ commute (usually longer in rush hour obviously) either way which takes it out of me. FIL also has a tendency to let DC run amok and trash the entire house so I knew I’d have to return to not only put DC to bed but also tidy their huge mess. It was a one off though so I was ok with it.

The trip then changed to Tuesday morning-Friday afternoon. His boss decided they should attend a separate meeting on the Tuesday afternoon as well. This added a lot more pressure because Tuesday is by far my longest day at work, I teach 9-5 pretty much solidly and I’m always utterly exhausted when I return home. This also meant FIL would have to step in to not only drop but also collect DC from school/nursery on this day. For reference, DC1 is in breakfast and after school club which starts 7:45 and ends 5:30pm and DC2 in nursery 8-6. Due to my long commute and most often added traffic, I can’t drop or collect them on the Tuesday at all meaning FIL would have to do both. As I say, he’d also no doubt let them trash the house again so by the time I got home after a very long day at work I’d be left picking up the pieces on top of bathing and putting two young DC to bed. Not fun.

It got worse when DH dropped the bombshell on Friday evening that his boss had booked the flights and they now wouldn’t be returning until Saturday afternoon. This added an extra dilemma of who would take DC1 to drama on Saturday morning because it’s too far away to drop him and return home so DH or I usually go with him and sit in the car for an hour until he’s done. DC2 will not sit in the car for an hour, he’s an incredibly active boy so I’d have to find something else to do with him in the area but it’s honestly in the middle of nowhere so no softplay etc around. Might just end up letting him loose in a field somewhere to pass the time…

On top of that, I was prepared for DH to return home Friday afternoon and it meant I could at least have a relaxing Friday evening. Instead, I’ll have to do dinner and bedtime alone again on Friday and then get them up the next day to get DC1 to drama. It’s just not great really and I’m super pissed off. I barely spoke to him on Friday night and most of Saturday because I was just seething. I know it’s a work trip so not something he’s doing for fun but I think it’s the fact a 2 day trip has somehow transformed into 5 days and I wasn’t prepared for that.

I think YABU. Parents who both work need to support each other and that means picking up the slack sometimes.

Maybe he doesn't want to say no to what is a perfectly reasonable scenario. How feeble would it look if he were to say 'sorry, I can't, my spouse wouldn't be able to cope....' Using up goodwill for such trivial reasons is a very bad idea, there may be times in a family where you really do have to say no and refuse to do something work related for very good reasons. This is not that! Work don't pay you to be a husband/wife/father/mother, they pay you to work.

Im a husband so hopefully you dont mind? As a one off its a pain but thats what the teamwork means. Lots of jobs have a FIFO culture and if the boss isnt family friendly then right now you don't want to making work harder for anyone. Good jobs are hard to find. My wife is a GP and so couldnt do anything on her working days if there was a child issue. But I sometimes had to travel to bits of the UK or even Europe for a few days so we had a to rejig arrangements. The real issue is allowing them to run riot and leave you the mess that's something you should try to discuss. No winners or losers in this, just more work and I like the "you are owed a treat" posts :)

I don’t know why she’s owed a treat. He’s not getting a treat, he’s away on business. If anyone’s owed a treat it’s FiL.

YABU. I am a teacher too (secondary, often 8.30-16.30, and of course in way before lessons actually start at half eight) and my husband frequently travels for work (as in I often cannot remember where he is off the top of my head when others ask). I can drop off the youngest at crèche no problem (as they open at 7.30) but often have to enlist outside help for getting the eldest (aged nearly 5) to school. Collecting them both is always manic regardless of what day it is and whether my husband is there or not. You need to suck it up, as well as cutting yourself some slack on this ONE occasion. I understand that the situation might not be what you would have expected or hoped for but you are an adult. Deal with it and move on. Tell him that he owes you some child free time at some point in the future if you must.

Oh and we have no family nearby to help at all so count yourself lucky.

You can’t look after your own child for an hour while the other is in a drama class ? FIL doesn’t sound appreciated , providing help . This sounds like a normal week to a lot of people , be thankful you have wrap around care and family .

It's only a few days. Lots of single parents do this every day for years.

If it's a one off trip this week just curtail the after school activities and manage what you can in your own time.

I don't think it's quite the drama you a making it. For single parents this is run of the mill.

One of my biggest bug bears is people thinking working away is a holiday!
Even if it does involve socialising you aren't with your friends or family!

I get you 100% my husband doesn’t pull his weight at the best of times but he does get tagged in every now and again. Husband was on the tools when we met, married had kids. He would be out early and back late BUT when he was home he was home. Now he has been promoted twice in the last 6 months and I’m so proud but he is now off the tools and stuck to his phone and laptop. Work is very stressful and meetings all day everyday. Things changed when they started having day meetings and the boss who lived up north would book conference room and over night hotel due to people commuting 4-5 hours+. We only live 45mins away. Hubby would be more than happy for a nice night of food drinks and no kids waking him early. This happens more and more till I snapped and literally said it’s over. We didn’t start like this and I’d give it all up to go back to when husband was on the tools. I feel your pain. CAN I also just put out there that some parents need to be at home to provide childcare what if you worked as a career nights? Or split custody and have weekends with the children. This to me is just unreasonable…

Nope nope nope, his boss should have needed to confirm with everyone. What if some people have weekend custody or childcare. It’s not ok and husband should of explained from the get go he can not be flexible when it comes to out of working hours… weekends evenings early mornings.

While I can appreciate how frustrating your situation was, it is in no way comparable to the OPs situation. There's also a lot of 'what ifs'

It's a one off trip of 4 nights
She doesn't work nights or shifts
They have childcare covered
It sounds like he pulls his weight generally

Why can't he be flexible?
What a ridiculous attitude

Tough one. Your DH should probably have had the guts to say to his boss than he had to be somewhere on Saturday so would have to come back Friday. If this is s one off, let it go but your DH needs to learn and speak up to explain that he has commitments outside of work. One way he can do this is to black out his work diary so the times show as busy.

It’s frustrating but we have to suck it up sometimes and get on with it. To try and have less stress on the weekend, you could cancel going to drama just for the week. And ask fil to get the children in their pjs. Just to help you when you get home.

I think if your DH's work is usually flexible (it sounds like he's able to leave early to be able to do childcare on your longer working days, but I could be wrong), then it's not unreasonable for them to expect him to be flexible at times too.

It has to be a two way street - for example my work would expect me to be flexible (and if that means staying another day on a trip so be it), but they'll also be flexible back if I need time off with a sick child etc I can take that time without penalty.

If your DH's work is usually pretty flexible and good, I would say you're being unreasonable to be annoyed for your DH being a bit flexible back, especially given he's not leaving you in the lurch childcare wise.

@Cosycover but it’s her husbands boss that is expecting this of her isn’t it?! He’s extending the ‘work trip’ to suit himself when it comes to travelling home with no consideration for his employee who has commitments at home. It’s likely he has none himself and assumes the wifey will pick up all the slack as it’s a womens job in some peoples eyes.

Yanbu.

I would not be happy about this, at all. DH would know and would have told his work he couldn't fly Saturday.

Can't the flight be changed? As a minimum your DH should be given a day off in lieu so he can make up a bit of time helping you.

YABU - we have two young children, my other half had to work away Monday to Friday a couple of months ago but it is what it is. Doesn’t happen often so i dealt with it as he would when I have to work away.

It is extra work for you which I get is frustrating but it’s the nature of working life with children.

It’s a one off, surely your child can miss drama for one week. Doing things on your own for a few days really isn’t that hard it? But as someone else has said I’m a single mom of 2 small children who has no help from anyone and i works and juggle everything so maybe I just have different expectations 😂
he is working, not on a jolly and it’s only an annual thing

It's not like it happens on a regular basis. Get over it and appreciate that he is working hard, as you are, to support the family. It's not like it's a golf trip.

Yabu and incredibly lucky to have your fil to support. If your job (which is a 9- 5pm on the busiest day?!!) is that exhausting you need to look to change it. There are thousands of single parents doing this day in day out. Get a grip.

Lolll I read as he defo has kids and that's why he's taking a sneaky half a weekend 😂 I would

No one should have to cover for him other than her. She should be able to manage her children and life for a few days on her own. She should be grateful her FIL is willing to help.