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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inlaws bailing last minute... again!

339 replies

inlawsruinmylife · 16/10/2023 01:47

Supposed to be going away for a long weekend for our first wedding anniversary next week. DD (11 mo) is going to my inlaws. MIL begged us to let them have her, and I reluctantly agreed- she's had her a couple of times for the day and when we've collected her she's done nothing but complain about silly little things. She's also bailed on us last minute a few times for work... I appreciate that can't be helped, and I don't begrudge her for that, but for our first wedding anniversary I really wanted something reliable!

Anyway, she turned around and said she can only do 3 of the 4 days because she booked a trip last week (she's known about us going away for 8 months now). Okay no problem, I organised for my stepdad to pick DD up on the last day and we'd collect her when we got back.
Now she also agreed to have our dog, and turned around today and said "nope not having him, it will upset my dog too much" (a dog she's had for years and has spent plenty of time around ours with no issues). She's left us without enough time to secure a dog sitter we'd be comfortable with so looks like we're going to have to cancel our trip. I'll add this was supposed to be our first trip as a married couple as we had to cancel our honeymoon because I was so heavily pregnant.

So no trip and too late to get a refund. I'm quite upset about it but DH still wants to send DD to her for the long weekend anyway. AIBU to say no? Why would I send her down there for no reason and have to deal with the fallout afterwards?

OP posts:

OccasionalHope · 16/10/2023 07:18

Maybe she has second thoughts about having dd anyway?

Immasucker · 16/10/2023 07:18

Oh my gosh just tell her she's messed up your plans and you won't be able to go at all unless she takes dog as agreed. Or get your husband to tell her. Has either of you fully communicated what is going on and the consequences?

Escapetofrance · 16/10/2023 07:23

Find a dog sitter and go away with dh and baby.

Beautiful3 · 16/10/2023 07:23

Look into kennels. Still go.

Canisaysomething · 16/10/2023 07:25

I would push to find a couple of different people to walk the dog once a day, does MIL live close enough to do it? Or would she stay at yours instead and her parter look after her dog? (Assuming she has one).

It seems very dramatic to cancel the whole weekend. There are all sorts of reasons someone would have 2nd thoughts about looking after an 11 month old and a dog.

Dispairrepair · 16/10/2023 07:27

Your mil sounds incredibly vindictive and I think this is a power moment for you and her.
Don't spend your daughter.

Tell your dh that relaxing with babies is his life now.

Dispairrepair · 16/10/2023 07:29

Agree with the double speak, he doesn't want to cross her.

Enjoy your dd, it sounds like you both want to to get rid of her.

Dispairrepair · 16/10/2023 07:31

And if you give her what she wants with such atrocious behavior what's to stop her doing it forever?

ActDottie · 16/10/2023 07:31

She’s officially confirmed she’s unreliable so never book her in again for dog or baby sitting.

Id also not send her to MILs anyway this weekend because it’s no longer needed and your MIL will still get the benefit of seeing your child and not truly understand how her unreliability has impacted you.

ActDottie · 16/10/2023 07:35

Nevertouchakoala · 16/10/2023 02:19

Just find a dog sitter… don’t be a martyr

Youve obviously never had to find a dog sitter at short notice…

Wanttobefree2 · 16/10/2023 07:36

I’d do my best to find a kennel (maybe even close to where you are going) and go away with my husband and baby. Sounds like your MIL doesn’t want to help out any longer.

Zonder · 16/10/2023 07:43

Have you tried pet sitters? It would be such a shame to miss out. And has your dh told his mum that she's stopping you from going away thanks to her last minute change?

Theunamedcat · 16/10/2023 07:44

It does sound like it's deliberate though she initially trys to scupper it by booking a trip herself then when that fails she dumps the dog for no reason she has known about the trip for eight MONTHS not eight days

RedHelenB · 16/10/2023 07:45

Just put the dog in kennels and go amd enjoy your trip

Simplelobsterhat · 16/10/2023 07:47

She's unreasonable to change things so last minute but to be honest I can understand her getting cold feet... If I'm reading this rightly in your first Post you are saying she's only looked after her in the day before and found that hard, so a jump to 4 days seems huge! We only left ours for one night the first few times we left them with grandparents, and built up to longer. And you say your dog has been around hers before but was she actually looking after them solo, or was that with you around? Because those are completely different things, and now she also has dig safety around a baby to consider too.

She was unreasonable not to think it all through properly before she offered of course, but if it's been booked for 8months your DD must have been tiny then so perhaps it seems different now it's reality. Is your DD more mobile now so likely to need more watching round the dogs for example?

Could you change your break to somewhere dog friendly? Or was it abroad (In which case again that seems a huge step if you haven't left her with mil overnight before).

Either way, I don't blame you for being upset and feeling let down and you have definitely learned not to rely on her in future.

Mistressanne · 16/10/2023 07:49

Have you told your mil how selfish she is being?
Because I would ring her up and say
‘Mil do you realise we’re losing our money now for this break? In future dh and I really will not feel able to rely on you for support. We’re very disappointed.’

Heronwatcher · 16/10/2023 07:49

Where is it? Can’t you find a dog sitter and take the baby for even 1 night?

It could be that she’s suddenly panicking about having an 11 month old plus 2 dogs for 3-4 days. TBH I never left my kids for that long when they were that age- I did an overnight but not a long weekend. And it is quite a lot for an older person to take on.

It could be that she’s doing it deliberately, and that this “integrating into the family” shite is an act. She could be doing that alongside pissing you off majorly hoping you’ll blow up at her and then she’ll have an excuse to get her DS and grandchild to herself.

If you suspect this, I’d beat her at her own PA game, be scrupulously nice but only allow her contact at your house and bail on her “family plans” at the last minute few times, preferably with your DC.

Obviously never let your Dh talk you into this again, get a dog sitter and someone more reliable to babysit- and maybe for a shorter period when your DC is so young.

TheaBrandt · 16/10/2023 07:49

My in laws pulled out of childcare for a family wedding on my side. We really really needed them to do it (my family all at wedding) and gave months of notice. They were newly retired good health our kids were young but v well behaved - they bailed for a spurious weak made up reason. Totally dropped us in it. I actually thought she was joking when she said they weren’t going to do it. It was years ago but I’ve never got over it. The one time we needed them.

Mirabai · 16/10/2023 07:51

Of course it’s deliberate OP. You don’t book a trip on a day you’re already booked to do something by accident.

I don’t think leaving an 11 month old even for a short time is that great an idea anyway, so if you have to cancel I would just have a nice time with your own little family.

Mirabai · 16/10/2023 07:52

MIL has had 8 months to figure that out, if so.

phoenixrosehere · 16/10/2023 07:53

YANBU

Own MIL did something similar to this but waited until we were 10 minutes out the door before telling us she couldn’t. BIL and SIL (her children) were there and were side-eyeing her over that and BIL offered to watch them next time but couldn’t himself at the time. I was confused but didn’t have a chance to be annoyed at that moment since we had to quickly round up both of our children and their things and take them to dinner with us. It was dinner with DH’s friend (MIL knows him) and his wife which we had asked her to babysit for about a month in advance. It was the first time I was having dinner out with adults without kids since before having DS1 and DS2 was one at the time. I was looking forward to it. I spent most of the dinner walking DS2 around in the empty section of the restaurant while DH had DS1 in his lap. Thankfully, it was a casual restaurant and we didn’t have to cancel on them ( they came from further away). There was no reason she couldn’t have told us hours beforehand so we either cancelled or found someone else and no she didn’t have any other plans other than watching tv and going to bed nor was she poorly. Amongst other things I’d noticed when it came to our children compared to the other grandchildren, I decided no point in asking again just to be disappointed and if she really wanted to, she would offer like she did the others.

DH proposed asking this year (four years had past). In those four years, every time DH mentioned asking, I would suggest we try taking the boys out somewhere instead when visiting. DH and I went to lunch while they were staying with us and they were surprised we were gone for a little over an hour. Restaurant was seven minutes away and in the past we had always said where we were going , how far and this being the usual amount of timeframe.

sjh67 · 16/10/2023 07:53

Where in the country are you? I'll look after your dog 🐶

Ophy83 · 16/10/2023 07:58

Have you tried asking on Facebook? It may be that one of your friends who you haven't considered will be happy to look after the dog

TorontoLakeOntario · 16/10/2023 08:00

Last week I tried to book a cattery last minute and it was impossible. They're all fully booked.

The posters saying "just find a kennels" are being a bit dim.

jannier · 16/10/2023 08:01

Have you looked for a kennel near your destination?

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