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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws bailing last minute... again!

339 replies

inlawsruinmylife · 16/10/2023 01:47

Supposed to be going away for a long weekend for our first wedding anniversary next week. DD (11 mo) is going to my inlaws. MIL begged us to let them have her, and I reluctantly agreed- she's had her a couple of times for the day and when we've collected her she's done nothing but complain about silly little things. She's also bailed on us last minute a few times for work... I appreciate that can't be helped, and I don't begrudge her for that, but for our first wedding anniversary I really wanted something reliable!

Anyway, she turned around and said she can only do 3 of the 4 days because she booked a trip last week (she's known about us going away for 8 months now). Okay no problem, I organised for my stepdad to pick DD up on the last day and we'd collect her when we got back.
Now she also agreed to have our dog, and turned around today and said "nope not having him, it will upset my dog too much" (a dog she's had for years and has spent plenty of time around ours with no issues). She's left us without enough time to secure a dog sitter we'd be comfortable with so looks like we're going to have to cancel our trip. I'll add this was supposed to be our first trip as a married couple as we had to cancel our honeymoon because I was so heavily pregnant.

So no trip and too late to get a refund. I'm quite upset about it but DH still wants to send DD to her for the long weekend anyway. AIBU to say no? Why would I send her down there for no reason and have to deal with the fallout afterwards?

OP posts:
Redpaisley · 18/10/2023 09:55

Aussiemade · 18/10/2023 02:52

This was done on purpose by your MIL. Some mothers can get very jealous of the sons wives. Thats sounds iky but its true
She’s a bitch. Don’t bother with her again
Leave dog at home with an auto feeder can let the tap drip into a bucket and ask a neighbor to call in once a day to check.
then take baby with you an go on your holiday. That will teach her a lesion

You should never get a dog. Dogs are not toys

Redpaisley · 18/10/2023 10:00

@inlawsruinmylife just say 8 events is too much for you.

She has shown she doesn't care about you and your feelings to not even apologise when your dh said you are cancelling trip, you don't have to worry about excuses.

Say you are going to spend time with your mum, relaxing, going to spa, can't attend 8 parties

Ganainm488 · 18/10/2023 11:07

I’m so glad it has worked out for you. And especially that your DH stood up to MIL. To be honest it’s all about her and all about control. She’s probably got off with it all her life and most DHs don’t know how to cut the ties because they have been conditioned to it. You didn’t think it was sabotage because of how much she likes you. That strikes me as narcissistic, or at the very least controlling. She will keep you close so she can control you. Let you down at the last minute for her own needs. This is a pattern of behaviour. Best stick to your guns now and never get too close to be controlled again.

Ganainm488 · 18/10/2023 11:09

Also start practising how to say no to something without giving an excuse. Just say you can’t attend. That’s it. Then she can’t try and control or manipulate your decision.

LookItsMeAgain · 18/10/2023 13:38

In relation to the monies you/your DH handed over to his mother for her dog walker, please get your DH to phone her and say "Mum, as we're not going to be dropping DD to you or bringing the dog to you, we'll need that £x back so that we can pay for the dog walker we've had to arrange here. When can we expect the money please?"
Then keep on at her until you get the money.
I'd even go so far (I wouldn't do this with others but your MiL seems just the type that I wouldn't see anything amiss with doing it) as to say to her if she hasn't paid it "Oh mum, we've had to cancel X for DD as we were missing the money that you said you'd hand us back from the dog walker we never used" and keep going along those lines.

She's wasted her opportunity. More fool her!

thecatsthecats · 18/10/2023 15:20

"8 events is too many for us over Christmas, we need time to see others and to chill out too. Which would be the most important to you?"

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 18/10/2023 15:56

Loopylambs · 17/10/2023 19:08

It’s hard work looking after an 11 month old especially for so many days . She’s let you down because of work in the past , how do you expect her to work and provide childcare ? It’s not her fault you were heavily pregnant for honeymoon . Also someone else’s dog for so many days , give her a break . Have some respect for this lady .punish her by not letting her look after your baby and dog , very entitled attitude . Sounds like MIL could do with a weekend break .

Name change ops MIL?

Turfwars · 18/10/2023 17:24

I've been coming up with wild and wacky excuses all day of why me and DD can't make it to the 8 different family events she's planned over Christmas. Suggestions welcome!

We took the opportunity with DS's first Christmas to set in stone a rule that we do Christmas day at home always. And it's the best decision we've ever made. For the rest of the season, we are fairly flexible to visit or be visited. We are even ok with (certain) people coming to stay but am I fuck packing up the car trying to hide presents and drive on icy roads to sleep on an airbed in a relatives house and then finding out I forgot to pack knickers or the right shoes or whatever and trying to quieten a toddler that's bonkers when out of their comfort zone.

This is your DD's first Christmas. If you cave and go to your mum, then you'll have made a rod for your own back next year because MIL will demand you at hers. Then your DM the year after and before you know it, you'll have never had a Christmas morning in your own home like my DB and family. And he regrets that now. There's something wonderful about a kid bouncing out of their own bed into your room on Christmas morning in comfort and not having to be quiet or get dressed or get Looks because you have a mimosa at 10am cough and you're not driving today. So start thinking now carefully about how you want your new family traditions to start. Her first Christmas is the ideal time to put that rule in place.

One I highly recommend: get a nice bauble or two every year that represents something that happened during the year & discreetly write the year somewhere on it in a CD marker. Years from now, you'll sit with a mulled wine and fondly remember the people and places and things your family did together. I've a couple of very old baubles passed down from MIL that DH remembers from his own childhood and we are 11 years in on my own little collection.

Ivymom · 18/10/2023 18:05

OP,

”I’m sorry but I already have plans for that day” is always an acceptable response. Your plans don’t have to be anything special or exciting. Sitting on the couch and watching tv in your pajamas are plans. Planning to not go to their event is having plans.

LeefsPrings · 18/10/2023 18:18

inlawsruinmylife · 17/10/2023 19:40

Thank you all for your replies, I'm very grateful that for the most part I'm in the right here!

For those asking/wondering we didn't ask MIL to have the dog, she offered but did ask us to pay for their dog walker to take him on a long walk each day to ease the strain. Happily agreed to that and gave her the money (have yet to have an offer of that money back mind!), and she reiterated to us multiple times (without prompting) that she was still happy with the whole arrangement.

I've been coming up with wild and wacky excuses all day of why me and DD can't make it to the 8 different family events she's planned over Christmas. Suggestions welcome!

Oh you're definitely going to them all. And you are going to insist on providing some vital thing, such as the tree, the wine, the pigs-in-blankets, the crackers, all the chocolate biscuits, the pudding, the cheeses... feel free to make up your own. And you are definitely going to make lots of mince pies, aren't you?
Until the 11th hour, when you back out. Obviously.

QueenofHebdenBridge · 18/10/2023 18:29

thecatsthecats · 18/10/2023 15:20

"8 events is too many for us over Christmas, we need time to see others and to chill out too. Which would be the most important to you?"

Once you find out what the most important event is, accept, make other plans for that day and bail at the last minute. Tis the spirit of the season!

YerArseInParsley · 18/10/2023 18:43

Magicmama92 · 17/10/2023 19:05

I wouldn't send your daughter because I'd be so fuming haha

@Magicmama92

I so agree with this but I would be making it clear it's because I'm not happy with what she's done. People saying pretend you have plans with baby so she can't gave her. NO!! don't lie, she needs to be told op isn't best pleased not saying anything and letting her away with it let's her do it again. I tell my own mum if I'm not pleased about something, I would not let someone's else's mum away with it.

Redragtoabull · 18/10/2023 20:26

A little late to this post, but I feel for you. It's a control issue from my experience, had it with my own mother who wants to feel like they can opt to do a good thing and then they, for whatever reason, then think they're having the piss taken out of them and exert their control over you when it is far from the case, she'd agree to do something and once she'd seen it was to benefit you, as agreed, she would resent your happiness. Fucking wicked IMO. And now I have a daughter exhibiting the same issues that I had to grow up with!! Find someone more loving and reliable OP otherwise it will become suffocating x

noosmummy12 · 18/10/2023 21:12

Your MIL sounds like mine. Me and DH were supposed to go to a wedding and MIL was supposed to have our DC, only from 10-7pm as we were coming home early. We had both bought new outfits etc. 3 days before the wedding she cancelled on us because “she was packing for a holiday (3 weeks after the wedding). We were fuming. This was April and we haven’t spoken to her since. Tbh she’s not once got in touch or asked about our DC so no great loss. She used to pick up eldest DC from nursery on a Friday at 12. I got a huge bill after the last term and found out she’d been leaving her at nursery and I was paying the bill!

ThreeLeggedParrot · 18/10/2023 21:44

Give her a wife birth till January

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 18/10/2023 23:22

Queucumber · 17/10/2023 22:00

Your dog needs its nails doing in time for the festive season and the groomer had a cancellation.

Genius

YireosDodeAver · 18/10/2023 23:45

@inlawsruinmylife I've been coming up with wild and wacky excuses all day of why me and DD can't make it to the 8 different family events she's planned over Christmas. Suggestions welcome!

Don't make wild and wacky excuses. You don't owe her anything and she is not in charge of your time. You can simply say No. No thank you is a perfectly acceptable reply to an invitation. You can choose one event to go to if you wish, and then just say sorry we can't make it for the others. Making excuses puts you in the position of acknowledging you are being WRONG and BAD in failing to obey the instructions. The question "why not" carries the implicit assumption that obedience is owed unless you can produce a sufficiently good excuse to be allowed not to.

WeeMary · 19/10/2023 22:58

Parents are not fully entitled to 4 days away from their baby. They are very fortunate if they have family who are willing to babysit. The only family member who is entitled here is the baby IMO

HelloItsMeHowAreYou · 20/10/2023 00:05

WeeMary · 19/10/2023 22:58

Parents are not fully entitled to 4 days away from their baby. They are very fortunate if they have family who are willing to babysit. The only family member who is entitled here is the baby IMO

But they are entitled to somebody keeping their word when they have promised to look after the baby and dog. Otherwise what is the point in asking/ arranging it so far in advance?

Codlingmoths · 20/10/2023 01:04

WeeMary · 19/10/2023 22:58

Parents are not fully entitled to 4 days away from their baby. They are very fortunate if they have family who are willing to babysit. The only family member who is entitled here is the baby IMO

so should parents just always expect any invitation to mind their children is totally provisional and no guarantee that person is actually willing to mind their children? the op is not entitled to be annoyed at being let down after commitments were made.

Codlingmoths · 20/10/2023 01:05

As in it is not entitled of the op, it is an extremely normal and justified reaction.

Aussiemade · 20/10/2023 05:37

I thought this was supposed to be a freindly space to voice our opinions
saying I am inhuman is only your opinion so I think you should keep that type of talk to yourself and find another site to abuse people if you obviously have nothing else to do in your life

Wexone · 20/10/2023 07:44

Aussiemade · 20/10/2023 05:37

I thought this was supposed to be a freindly space to voice our opinions
saying I am inhuman is only your opinion so I think you should keep that type of talk to yourself and find another site to abuse people if you obviously have nothing else to do in your life

when you recommend an inhuman way of looking after dogs on an open forum expect abuse and rightly so
and if I knew you personally would be telling you face to face.
don't recommend inhuman ways of treating dogs if you don't want abuse

YireosDodeAver · 20/10/2023 08:04

Aussiemade · 20/10/2023 05:37

I thought this was supposed to be a freindly space to voice our opinions
saying I am inhuman is only your opinion so I think you should keep that type of talk to yourself and find another site to abuse people if you obviously have nothing else to do in your life

This is a friendly forum and friends don't let friends give or take idiotic advice without calling them out on it. Your dog care suggestion was terrible and inappropriate and I would have no hesitation in saying the same to my best friend in the world if she were to say the same. There are some things that aren't a matter of opinion and you don't get to have your own personal opinion on whether or not it's abusive to leave a dog alone for days in the way you suggested.

Ilovetravelling · 20/10/2023 10:15

Tell that to the Royal Family 😂

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