Inlaws bailing last minute... again!

[inlawsruinmylife]

Supposed to be going away for a long weekend for our first wedding anniversary next week. DD (11 mo) is going to my inlaws. MIL begged us to let them have her, and I reluctantly agreed- she's had her a couple of times for the day and when we've collected her she's done nothing but complain about silly little things. She's also bailed on us last minute a few times for work... I appreciate that can't be helped, and I don't begrudge her for that, but for our first wedding anniversary I really wanted something reliable!

Anyway, she turned around and said she can only do 3 of the 4 days because she booked a trip last week (she's known about us going away for 8 months now). Okay no problem, I organised for my stepdad to pick DD up on the last day and we'd collect her when we got back.
Now she also agreed to have our dog, and turned around today and said "nope not having him, it will upset my dog too much" (a dog she's had for years and has spent plenty of time around ours with no issues). She's left us without enough time to secure a dog sitter we'd be comfortable with so looks like we're going to have to cancel our trip. I'll add this was supposed to be our first trip as a married couple as we had to cancel our honeymoon because I was so heavily pregnant.

So no trip and too late to get a refund. I'm quite upset about it but DH still wants to send DD to her for the long weekend anyway. AIBU to say no? Why would I send her down there for no reason and have to deal with the fallout afterwards?

She sounds like a real piece of work OP. Decided that she wanted to get the decorating started at her house early, and then realised that if she had your dog it would be less convenient. Cancels having your dog. Then when it looked like you weren’t able to go on your break at all she thinks “aha, now I can make it even easier for the decorator by getting OP to look after my dog!” Totally selfish and self-absorbed. I am glad your DH told her to do one and that you’ll have your holiday.

Glad you've found a solution, OP.

Your MIL sounds like an utter pain in the arse and she only has herself to blame for any fallout.

Never, ever ask her to do any childcare ever again. If that means she gets less quality time with her grandchild, it's nobody's fault but her own.

Sweet lord at 1st I was a bit let it with mother on law as thought she realised taken on too much. however your last update am like f you you cf. how come now the dog won't get upset by your dog if she sends it to yoir house. but yet by going to her house it would upset her dog??? I am sorry I don't think I could forgive her for this. I would be keeping my distance from now on. well done to your husband fir standing up to her and to your family rallying around. enjoy well deserved break

@inlawsruinmylife

He thankfully told her to do one, and made it very clear she'll be below last on the list for future childcare- cue tears but idgaf.

Good on your DH! It's so reassuring to see a husband supporting his wife and not being led by the nose by his mother, as so frequently happens on here. Your MIL will be even more annoyed that it's your family who's come to the rescue.

I hope you and your DH have a fabulous break. 🌹

I’m pleased you’ve got it sorted OP and that is so kind and helpful of your brother. Enjoy your trip

Your family are brilliant 👏

Cheeky mare can't have your dog as it will upset hers now have mine while the decorations done wow

Hope the decorator can't start early.

Unless he has already offered & that it is what is driving this?

Hilarious that she asked you to have her dog.

Yep and it was the baby too as she booked something that made them cancel one day

Great outcome.
Lovely (your!) family.
Supportive DH.

Now go and have a fab trip....and plot what MIL's Xmas "present" will be!!!

Wow what an update!
I agree that it should be a cold day in hell before you rely on her for childcare again.
Enjoy your lovely break!

I really hope your family come to the rescue with childcare and that you get to go sway. How flaky.

Glad you are working it out.

I would never involve her in childcare of ANY sort again.

I don't believe for one minute her behaviour isn't deliberate.

You are a bit naive if you think otherwise.

Absolutely deliberate.

She was power tripping.

Take all her power away from her and tell her anytime she asks, "you are unreliable, not worth it".

25 years ago one of my friends wouldn't give her first child her mothers preferred name, her mothers name.

My friend didn't want her grandmothers name as she didn't like it, neither did her husband.

She had asked for an overnight for her friends wedding months in advance, to which her mother had agreed. Her baby was 6 months.
The first time her mother would have the baby on her own.

A week before she announced she was going away with her sister for a winter week, apparently had been booked last minute and paid for.

My friend was very upset and told her mother. It came out about her daughters name.

My friend couldn't believe it.
In that moment she just saw her mother so clearly.

She had no choice but to bring the baby with her and it changed her relationship with her mother forever.

She never asked her again for anything.
She pulled so far back from her.

Her mother had always been very controlling but she had never fully joined the dots.

Her mother offered many times to have her children subsequently but her offers were swatted away.

She did apologise about a year later but it didn't change my friends wariness with her mother.
That she would be so deliberately unkind to her.
Her nice father tried to intervene, but she never moved on her complete refusal.

Her lovely MIL became the grandparent that was their emergency number.

My friend said at the time the realisation that her mother could be so petty and deliberately unkind to her, triggered something deep within her from her own childhood, and she didn't want her closely involved with her children.

So she never did.

People who really care about you don't let you down easily.
It's a really unkind thing to do, and in situations like yours, I believe deliberate.

Never give her that power again.

I am more surprised that a decorator is available to start a few days earlier. Obviously she just said that to show she can fuck you both all over at will.

OP, she has shown her colours, if she is so persistent and determined to ruin your delayed honeymoon, she is still the same crazy bitch jealous and resentful for taking his son’s attention from her, she just has got better at hiding it.

Stand your ground AND expect your husband to do the same now when your relationship is strong and not eroded by MIL. If you ask for the same further down the line, it is more likely that by then he will always side with his “poor” manipulative mother than with the mother of his child. Protect your little family from MIL, you owe it to your DC.

Wow, I take back anything vaguely sympathetic to the mil I said.... I can't believe she asked you to look after her dog! After all that!

Well, your mother in law has just ensured a lonely Christmas for herself, hasn’t she? What a bitch.

Well well. So her dog isn’t “upset” by your dog when she wants to dump him on you. Whodathunkit.
Well done to your DH.

Learn from this.

1. Do not ask in laws to mind your child again/or accept any offers.
2. Take your child with you on your break.
3. Book dog into kennels from now on. Do not rely on other people to take the dog.
4. If ILs complain about your child all the time why would you want to leave your child in that environment. From now on they come to your house if they want to see grandchild.

It seems like it’s a control thing.Don’t let her be involved in childcare anymore . I certainly wouldn’t be rewarding her bad behaviour with a visit from your DD
Could your step dad have her for an extra day instead , that way at least you’ll get a couple of days together without involving MIL ?

I’d only send DD If I wanted an actual break now. If you do end up sending her let DH take her on his own and you have a chill several hours.
Let your DH sort out anything to do with his DM in the future including Christmas presents!

Just put the dog in kennels, it should be fine for just a few days.
Childcare arrangements as you describe (MIL and stepdad) and go and enjoy your trip.
Honestly it is not worth falling out with inlaws over dogsitting.

Take your DD on the trip, leave your DH at home to look after the dog. Or leave him to look after both and have a lovely relaxing time on your own.

I'd be livid. And I wouldn't be putting myself out to take DD down there, and I certainly wouldn't be doing her any favours.

Wow your MIL obviously wanted this outcome, it the bloody cheek of asking you to look after her ddog after using the dog as a reason yours couldn't come is beyond cheeky.

Glad to hear you are getting you're trip away.

I don’t think your MIL is vindictive, just thoughtless and reneging because it doesn’t suit her anymore - perhaps she now feels she had bitten off more than she could chew.

She begged to look after your daughter but for fewer days than you needed. And now no dog sitting too. It strikes me that this is not framed in her own mind as “baby sitting so the kids can have a much needed weekend away” but more “this is my weekend with granddaughter and is for me”. And this alone is one reason I wouldn’t be jumping at chance to send daughter and then just stay home. Daughter is not a dolly to be passed around for random weekends away from mum and dad. An 11mo doesn’t want to be with anyone except mum and dad so most parents naturally limit this to times of necessity. (Such as for work, travel, weddings etc)

If you truly are unable to take your trip, no I wouldn’t send 11mo away unnecessarily. Being away from a LO is a wrench for mum. It won’t feel like a “break” lounging around your own house without her. You’ll miss her differently to you would when indulging in the distraction of a long weekend away. and you’ll probably spend the entire time busying yourself with housework and DIY that you don’t get around to with baby on hip.

I think you should keep trying for dog sitter and remain on track for plan A. Like you, I would rather cancel if I can’t find one.

Stupid thing is no, she really doesn't dislike me! We had a bumpy start because I took some of her darling baby boy's attention from her... but pretty much from the day we got engaged she became so invested in making me part of the family and will even change dates if family events if I can't make them so we can all be there together. It's bizarre but I don't think it's deliberate sabotage

She does dislike you.

She has just got better at hiding it to your face.

He golden boy stuff is deeply entrenched - built up over decades. It hasn’t gone away and even though she basically did as expected of her by including you in family events when you were engaged - she is resentful of your relationship with her DS.

She has absolutely sabotaged your delayed honeymoon.

I would always be aware of her capacity to do this again and would be emotionally detaching from someone who behind the scenes doesn’t have your best interests at heart.