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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws bailing last minute... again!

339 replies

inlawsruinmylife · 16/10/2023 01:47

Supposed to be going away for a long weekend for our first wedding anniversary next week. DD (11 mo) is going to my inlaws. MIL begged us to let them have her, and I reluctantly agreed- she's had her a couple of times for the day and when we've collected her she's done nothing but complain about silly little things. She's also bailed on us last minute a few times for work... I appreciate that can't be helped, and I don't begrudge her for that, but for our first wedding anniversary I really wanted something reliable!

Anyway, she turned around and said she can only do 3 of the 4 days because she booked a trip last week (she's known about us going away for 8 months now). Okay no problem, I organised for my stepdad to pick DD up on the last day and we'd collect her when we got back.
Now she also agreed to have our dog, and turned around today and said "nope not having him, it will upset my dog too much" (a dog she's had for years and has spent plenty of time around ours with no issues). She's left us without enough time to secure a dog sitter we'd be comfortable with so looks like we're going to have to cancel our trip. I'll add this was supposed to be our first trip as a married couple as we had to cancel our honeymoon because I was so heavily pregnant.

So no trip and too late to get a refund. I'm quite upset about it but DH still wants to send DD to her for the long weekend anyway. AIBU to say no? Why would I send her down there for no reason and have to deal with the fallout afterwards?

OP posts:
Owlish1003 · 16/10/2023 05:26

Hang on, if op doesn’t think that’s it’s deliberate sabotage on mil’s part, and she’s only previously cancelled for good reasons (eg work) and she’s generally ok and has gone out of her way to include op in her family life … then why all this hate against the mil and calling her “bitch” etc? It’s a big deal to look after someone’s eleven month old for a weekend.

Op have you actually tried speaking to your mil about the dog and exactly why she is refusing to have it? If she’s an older person who is working and has a dog of her own, then is having your baby to stay, that is quite a lot.

Maybe she isn’t feeling well or “the trip” she is going on is a hospital visit or something? Or she may just feel she has taken too much on now the date is approaching, or she’s tired? Or your dog did something she or your fil didn’t like last time it stayed?

It might not be any of those reasons at all but isn’t it worth talking to her properly about this and telling her how not taking the dog at the last minute is putting the whole trip in danger, instead of plotting to pull the rug on the whole trip? The reason may be something small that can be sorted. And she may be sitting there thinking you have lots of alternative pet care options and not realising the difficulty she is causing?

ElleCapitaine · 16/10/2023 05:30

Are there any kennels near to where you’re going? If not I’d go on my own - or even better, I’d suggest to her that I’d take DD and leave DH with the dog. That might focus her mind a bit.

NoMor · 16/10/2023 06:16

Put a call out on a local facebook page, you'll find someone to watch the dog. Do any of the neighbours have teenagers who could dog sit for the weekend under parents' supervision?

CarmenBurrito · 16/10/2023 06:20

Very sorry this has happened. I know you’re not seeing it as sabotage, but it does sound as if MIL is doing exactly that, even if she’s not conscious of it.

Could you get a housesitter for the dog? I’ve done this twice when things fell through. It’s a comparable cost to kennels.

Good luck!

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/10/2023 06:23

NoMor · 16/10/2023 06:16

Put a call out on a local facebook page, you'll find someone to watch the dog. Do any of the neighbours have teenagers who could dog sit for the weekend under parents' supervision?

This is true. My hairdresser’s mum dog sat for us. It just came up in conversation.

pinkfondu · 16/10/2023 06:28

If you are home I doubt she will keep her for all that time, you'll probably get multiple calls and a request to pick up early

LAMPS1 · 16/10/2023 06:32

YANBU
I wouldn’t send my baby or my dog to be looked after by someone I was so angry with. The trust would be gone and I wouldn’t ask again or accept an offer to babysit from somebody so unreliable. Lesson learned.

gerispringer · 16/10/2023 06:36

Its a big ask to look after a baby for 4 days. It’s full on feeding, changing entertaining and broken nights . Plus she’ll be missing her parents and may be upset. Plus another dog to care for in the mix. I wouldn’t want to do it, it will be exhausting. You aren’t doing your MiL some great favour here it’s the other way round. I agree she has been flaky and unreliable and shouldn’t have agreed to do this in the first place, but I think your expectations are unreasonable here.

EtiennePalmiere · 16/10/2023 06:39

I would absolutely go by myself!

Lulooo · 16/10/2023 06:41

Can you not take baby with you and find a pet hotel or whatever they’re called for the dog?

fedupwithbeinghot · 16/10/2023 06:45

Looking after a baby and a dog for three days is a LOT of work. It sounds to me like MIL thought it was a lovely idea in principle and now she's realised that she'll be exhausted after that. When she offered months ago, she probably had an idyllic picture in mind, with the baby sleeping 12 hours a night and eating 3 meals a day at the table with no mess Grin

I would go on my own or take the baby with you. The baby is young and surely still a lot of work. Either that, or pay for a professional nanny

WaitingfortheTardis · 16/10/2023 06:46

Are there no kennel spaces around you? It isn't a popular time of the year for holidays etc so there may well be.

MIL sounds a bit annoying maybe, but I wouldn't cancel a holiday over that and a dog. It sounds a little like you want to cancel to make a point, which I sort of understand but ultimately the worst affected in that case is you and your dh as you don't get your break away.

I also wouldn't ban MIL having her as some on here have suggested, that would just seem an overreaction to me.

Invisimamma · 16/10/2023 06:49

HoppingPavlova · 16/10/2023 03:57

Don’t you have kennels that you can put your dog in for the time? Here, most people use kennels and catteries. Dog/cat sitting happens occasionally but that’s pretty much retirees who want a free holiday in a different area and will feed dog/cat while there, but mainly they go out for the day on a jolly and dogs just get a once a day walk, so kennels are preferred by most dog owners but it’s becoming more popular here for cats.

Kennels book up months in advance here. You would have no chance of getting a last minute booking. My friend does doggy boarding and she's booked up until 2025.

I'd be fuming with your mother in law. You would have really been looking forward to this trip.

FlamingoQueen · 16/10/2023 06:50

Yes, definitely go on your own. And don’t ever rely upon her again. If she mentions it in the future (why can’t I have dd for the weekend) - because you massively let us down and I can’t take the risk again.

rookiemere · 16/10/2023 06:54

I vote for the FB plea, also try rover.com for last minute dog sitting. We had a similar issue and I was inundated with responses on a local FB dog site.

WonderingWanda · 16/10/2023 06:58

You might have tried this but have you looked for kennels or dog sitting at the location you are planning to go to? Maybe if you tell us the part of the country people can recommend places.

I think I would try really hard to go on this trip if I could but in future I wouldn't rely on mil for childcare again, she sounds like someone who wants to please but then realises she has taken on too much.

Alternatively, could you book somewhere else with dd and the dog? It won't be the same but you will still get away.

I hope you manage get away.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 16/10/2023 06:59

I’d keep the baby at home. 3hr round trip with an 11month old when you should be going away sounds shit to me.

Mil doesn’t like you as much as you think she does.

autiebooklover · 16/10/2023 07:00

I'd say no if you have to cancel trip and lose money no she doesn't get to have your dd. I'd just message and say, "we can't get a dog sitter at short notice so have had to cancel so won't need you to have dd after all". And don't ask again.

We tried to rely on pil a bit when my mum was very ill. Was a nightmare they complained, changed times. After that I made sure we didn't need them for anything. They eventually started asking to have him and now occasionally will have him overnight. But I don't rely on it.

YireosDodeAver · 16/10/2023 07:01

I am not defending you mil's horrible behaviour in cancelling last-minute but I think its a terrible idea in the first place for the same person ro be looking after your toddler and your dog, especially if they have a dog of their own.

I am sure that both your dog and your NILs dog are the sweetest and most gentle ever known, but any dog can reach the end of theur patience and snap, and putting two dogs that aren't used to living together plus a toddler plus a carer who isn't used to managing two dogs plus a toddler that's a recipe for disaster. Both dogs would have been stressed out if their comfort zone and prone to atypical behaviour. The original plan should never have been agreed.

I am really sorry you are losing your holiday but honestly I think that if it had gone ahead there would have been a high risk of either the toddler getting bitten or the dogs fighting and injuring each other, or both.

Safxxx · 16/10/2023 07:01

Your losing out on your refund go ahead and enjoy the break make the most of it, find a dog kennel as its a one off you won't feel guilty...next time learn from your mistakes and never rely on her ..always have back up plans

Highandlows · 16/10/2023 07:04

Put your foot down. Unbelievable that she still expects you to send the baby. I will never rely on her again. She sounds very selfish and self centred.

kingkongs · 16/10/2023 07:07

Have you tried the rover app? It's a register for dog sitters.

converseandjeans · 16/10/2023 07:12

I agree with @gerispringer & 4 days is a long time for an 11 month old. It would be different if she was at theirs a couple of days a week while you work. DD will be hard work if she's not used to it. Plus adding a dog info the mix when they already have a dog.

I think it's rare to get a 4 day break with children that age. Just go for 2 nights?

What about your Mum/family?

ThreeLeggedParrot · 16/10/2023 07:16

WhatsApp various friends relatives and ask them, offer to pay going rate.

go regardless of wether dog care was in place or not. Take a friend maybe?

Never rely on her for childcare or dog care in the future, she’s unreliable. Only let her child mind or dog sit when it makes no difference to you if she does or doesn’t. She can’t scupper your plans.

Mikimoto · 16/10/2023 07:17

Invite her for Xmas dinner then cancel on Xmas Eve saying you'd decided to just have a quiet family one with the baby 😻