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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws bailing last minute... again!

339 replies

inlawsruinmylife · 16/10/2023 01:47

Supposed to be going away for a long weekend for our first wedding anniversary next week. DD (11 mo) is going to my inlaws. MIL begged us to let them have her, and I reluctantly agreed- she's had her a couple of times for the day and when we've collected her she's done nothing but complain about silly little things. She's also bailed on us last minute a few times for work... I appreciate that can't be helped, and I don't begrudge her for that, but for our first wedding anniversary I really wanted something reliable!

Anyway, she turned around and said she can only do 3 of the 4 days because she booked a trip last week (she's known about us going away for 8 months now). Okay no problem, I organised for my stepdad to pick DD up on the last day and we'd collect her when we got back.
Now she also agreed to have our dog, and turned around today and said "nope not having him, it will upset my dog too much" (a dog she's had for years and has spent plenty of time around ours with no issues). She's left us without enough time to secure a dog sitter we'd be comfortable with so looks like we're going to have to cancel our trip. I'll add this was supposed to be our first trip as a married couple as we had to cancel our honeymoon because I was so heavily pregnant.

So no trip and too late to get a refund. I'm quite upset about it but DH still wants to send DD to her for the long weekend anyway. AIBU to say no? Why would I send her down there for no reason and have to deal with the fallout afterwards?

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 17/10/2023 19:41

Excellent result OP! Thank god for your family pulling through.

Tawkabreather23 · 17/10/2023 19:48

@inlawsruinmylife
Op you just say no Thankyou
end of we have plans of our own or plans for our own wee family
We don’t fancy it

Ellie1015 · 17/10/2023 19:59

Great result, glad you are still getting away - great mum and brother.

She obviously just couldnt be bothered given she just decided to bring decoraters in early. I would move on but never go out of my way for her again. See her wen it suits you and say no to anything you dont feel like.

EndOfTheLine2023 · 17/10/2023 20:01

Sickness bug or covid as an excuse. Why make so much effort for her if she can’t do the same for you.

Greenberg2 · 17/10/2023 20:04

Whatever excuse you make, make sure it's at the last possible minute! Also promise that you'll be cooking a vital part of the meal (turkey?) so she's left with roast potatoes and veg when you bail...

OchonAgusOchonOh · 17/10/2023 20:05

inlawsruinmylife · 17/10/2023 19:40

Thank you all for your replies, I'm very grateful that for the most part I'm in the right here!

For those asking/wondering we didn't ask MIL to have the dog, she offered but did ask us to pay for their dog walker to take him on a long walk each day to ease the strain. Happily agreed to that and gave her the money (have yet to have an offer of that money back mind!), and she reiterated to us multiple times (without prompting) that she was still happy with the whole arrangement.

I've been coming up with wild and wacky excuses all day of why me and DD can't make it to the 8 different family events she's planned over Christmas. Suggestions welcome!

You go all Phoebe from Friends with "Oh I wish I could but I don't want to"

Justmuddlingalong · 17/10/2023 20:07

"Because I don't want to."

L0bstersLass · 17/10/2023 20:08

Tawkabreather23 · 17/10/2023 19:48

@inlawsruinmylife
Op you just say no Thankyou
end of we have plans of our own or plans for our own wee family
We don’t fancy it

This.
Don't make any excuses about an invented illness, you want her to know your having a fab time without her rather than her thinking you're having a rubbish time due to being sick.

Billybea · 17/10/2023 20:23

Under no circumstances send your child to her, she wants your baby on her terms alone. What a nasty controlling woman. No F* her. Have a lovely anniversary together and perhaps let your stepdad have her for the day as previously arranged. I can't believe your husband hasn't said something!

RetirementIsGreat · 17/10/2023 20:23

Justmuddlingalong · 17/10/2023 20:07

"Because I don't want to."

Love it. Perfect response. 😂

Wills · 17/10/2023 20:26

Covid - mild so kids are bouncing around, but hey don't want to spread!

agonyau · 17/10/2023 20:29

Horrible being let down by family re; child/ dog care, especially when they know how difficult it is to arrange alternative care at such short notice. Your MIL sounds either very scatty or secretively resentful of you, either way she cannot be relied on for any future child/dog care. If you are comfortable going away on your own, then suggest it to your DH, and maybe it will spur him on to find dog care or to put pressure on his mum to change her mind re;dog care, even if it’s only 3 days rather than original 4 that were planned.
I do think, however, it’s rather odd that she made her plans knowing of her prior commitment & her sudden concern about the 2 dogs getting along, so I can’t help believing it was deliberate on her part, if not she’s losing the plot. Good luck🍀 on your decision, I hope you & DH get a bit of a break.

Diggin · 17/10/2023 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

RetirementIsGreat · 17/10/2023 20:31

OchonAgusOchonOh · 17/10/2023 20:05

You go all Phoebe from Friends with "Oh I wish I could but I don't want to"

Show quote history

Perfectly put. Loved that quote from Phoebe. 😂

Humbugg · 17/10/2023 20:33

Don’t waste your trip, find a Dog sitter!!

Gloriously · 17/10/2023 20:37

I've been coming up with wild and wacky excuses all day of why me and DD can't make it to the 8 different family events she's planned over Christmas. Suggestions welcome!

Depends on which method:

  1. Death by a 1000 cuts - accept all 8 events and drop out last minute on each one to cause max inconvenience and leave her smarting - all with differing and random excuses....
  2. Wrecking Ball approach - say no right now to all because you have prioritised time with other friends and family.
  3. A heady cocktail mix of the two
ellyeth · 17/10/2023 20:40

I think it's a really horrible thing for her to do. For those that say, just find a dog sitter - it's not necessarily that easy at very short notice. To use a kennel, for instance, it is my understanding that kennels will only take dogs that have been vaccinated for kennel cough. My vet doesn't like administering this as he says it distresses dogs - and many owners who have been told this don't want the vaccination for their dog.

I don't think you should go away on your own. If you and your husband agree to your mother in law having the baby after her baling out, it sends the message that it was no big deal that she let you both down. If neither of you agree to her having the baby now, perhaps mother in law will get the message loud and clear that she has really upset both of you. I don't think I would ever trust this person to do anything for me again and it would certainly cool my relationship with her.

I would be so angry that it would put me off the whole arrangement but I can see, as others have said, this was a special break for you both and it might be seen as cutting off your nose to spite your face if you refused to consider any other option. On that note, there is an organisation called TrustedHousesitters where a person/couple stay in your home in order to take care of your pet. I haven't used it myself but I have a friend who has and who is very complimentary about it. It also has very good reviews. I can understand, though, that some people would not feel comfortable inviting a stranger into their home.

Harmonypus · 17/10/2023 20:41

Put the dog in kennels, then you can still have your weekend away.
Don't ever rely on your mil for anything in future

Nanny0gg · 17/10/2023 20:43

Humbugg · 17/10/2023 20:33

Don’t waste your trip, find a Dog sitter!!

Oh gawd...

Everydayiscake · 17/10/2023 20:44

I would try and find a dog sitter there are plenty of places you can book. I think time together will be worthwhile particularly when you have a baby. If not book somewhere dog friendly!

ellyeth · 17/10/2023 20:45

Sorry - I should have read the whole thread before posting. I see now that some other arrangement has been made.

Hope you have a lovely time.

timesaretight · 17/10/2023 20:52

I wouldn't leave my 11 month old that long anyway.

GabriellaFaith · 17/10/2023 20:59

We had similar.

In.my mind, they should be super excited to have your daughter stay, so the fact she wasn't the priority kinda says it all for me.

Savagecabbage101 · 17/10/2023 20:59

I would make the best of it. Let her have your DD for a couple of nights. Book a nice restaurant and just have a lovely chilled time at home . Going forward though, I’d leave her out of the equation…

Savagecabbage101 · 17/10/2023 21:02

Also the dog thing I get. Dogs are like boyfriends, not everyone loves your one as much as you …

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