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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inlaws bailing last minute... again!

339 replies

inlawsruinmylife · 16/10/2023 01:47

Supposed to be going away for a long weekend for our first wedding anniversary next week. DD (11 mo) is going to my inlaws. MIL begged us to let them have her, and I reluctantly agreed- she's had her a couple of times for the day and when we've collected her she's done nothing but complain about silly little things. She's also bailed on us last minute a few times for work... I appreciate that can't be helped, and I don't begrudge her for that, but for our first wedding anniversary I really wanted something reliable!

Anyway, she turned around and said she can only do 3 of the 4 days because she booked a trip last week (she's known about us going away for 8 months now). Okay no problem, I organised for my stepdad to pick DD up on the last day and we'd collect her when we got back.
Now she also agreed to have our dog, and turned around today and said "nope not having him, it will upset my dog too much" (a dog she's had for years and has spent plenty of time around ours with no issues). She's left us without enough time to secure a dog sitter we'd be comfortable with so looks like we're going to have to cancel our trip. I'll add this was supposed to be our first trip as a married couple as we had to cancel our honeymoon because I was so heavily pregnant.

So no trip and too late to get a refund. I'm quite upset about it but DH still wants to send DD to her for the long weekend anyway. AIBU to say no? Why would I send her down there for no reason and have to deal with the fallout afterwards?

OP posts:
jannier · 16/10/2023 23:22

Mummytotheboy · 16/10/2023 17:37

Do we have the same MIL?! Mine has my son every Wednesday so I can work. I have to be at work for 12. Last week at drop off " I might not be back in time from the hairdressers for our usual drop off time but I'll definitely be back for 11:30 ish". Thanks for the heads up ill make sure I'll drop him off in the helicopter so I'm not late for work. She did it the other week, I need to bring him home at 4 as I'm going to the Dr's with my knee. I work till 8!

The Drs is totally reasonable it's impossible to get appointments let alone be fussy

MeMySonAnd1 · 17/10/2023 04:32

The more the reason she shouldn’t allow MIL to take care of the baby, if the dog were that territorial, would a young baby be safe with such a dog around?

ASimpleLampoon · 17/10/2023 05:02

I wouldn't bother again and find a reliable sitter instead, who doesn't purposfully sabotage your breaks.

EW671 · 17/10/2023 08:47

See now I was reading everything making excuses in my head of oh, maybe she’s suddenly panicked at the mammoth task of having an 11 month old for 4 days and she’s finding petty excuses to bail….. then I read this and my jaw just dropped!!

The fact that at the click of a finger she was ready to bring in the decorators and have the audacity to ask YOU to have HER dog instead - I always try and see the best in people but nope this strikes me as sabotage just purely because she was so prepared for it!

OP I admire the strength of your composure because if I were you there’d be a large crater where my house used to be from the magnitude of explosion that would have gone up!

That being said - In-laws are a tricky balancing act. I know so many are saying cut ties but at the end of the day she’s your husband’s mum and we are all much easier accepting flaws in our own parents than our in-laws. Hopefully your DH has had his eyes opened a bit by this experience and I hope that empowers him to sit and explain to her that what she’s done is unacceptable and hopefully you’ll all be able to navigate a way forward where you can hold onto some form of relationship!

And lastly, if I were you, I’d be insisting on the honeymoon AND the spa trip - don’t settle!!

LookItsMeAgain · 17/10/2023 09:54

Thebigblueballoon · 16/10/2023 09:43

Well, your mother in law has just ensured a lonely Christmas for herself, hasn’t she? What a bitch.

A million percent this!!!

Please remember that people reap what they sow, and your mother in law will have many lonely nights because of her shocking behaviour.

I can't get past that your dog going to her would have been too stressful for her dog but her dog coming to your place wouldn't have been too stressful for your dog - that right there is some warped logic, if it is even that.

I'm so sorry that your MiL has behaved like this. I actually feel sorry for your DH as he's really seen his mother in her true light. Has he seen her like this before? Have the rose tinted glasses been removed at this point if they were ever on?

MrsSkylerWhite · 17/10/2023 09:57

Did you ask if she would have the dog or assume?

YerArseInParsley · 17/10/2023 09:58

@inlawsruinmylife

Nope, don't sent baby and tell her no next time she asks to have the baby for things like this. Don't ever rely on her for anything again, she has form.

burntoutnurse · 17/10/2023 09:58

Can you afford to book an air bnb which will allow pets? And still just have a weekend away anyway since childcare is sorted!

YerArseInParsley · 17/10/2023 09:58

Just tell her you are going to do something as a family.

saveforthat · 17/10/2023 10:03

jannier · 16/10/2023 23:22

The Drs is totally reasonable it's impossible to get appointments let alone be fussy

Show quote history

Yes and she's your MIL not a nanny or childminder (both of whom would be entitled to book medical appointments) and presumably doing you a favour or are you paying her the going rate? Occasionally you (or DH) may have to go in late or leave early to, you know, parent your own child.

Lotus3 · 17/10/2023 10:27

.... Do it. Go on your own. They won't mess you around again. 😇

MumApril1990 · 17/10/2023 10:34

Why on earth would you go away for 4 days and leave an 11 month old baby. He’s your baby, take him with you?!!!

MumApril1990 · 17/10/2023 10:36

Obviously annoying that she’s let you down last minute

Thedm · 17/10/2023 10:51

MumApril1990 · 17/10/2023 10:34

Why on earth would you go away for 4 days and leave an 11 month old baby. He’s your baby, take him with you?!!!

Oh just stop. Jesus. You wouldn’t say that about a man going away with his mates or a business trip, but a woman wanting a late honeymoon? For just a few days… well, that’s awful isn’t it? She should be a martyr and have nothing for herself now that she is a parent.

An 11 month old staying with grandparents for a few days is a totally normal thing. It is literally a non event which most people won’t think twice about, but in the mumsnet world, it’s almost considered child abuse and women should have nothing for themselves.

Tryingmybestadhd · 17/10/2023 11:20

I wouldn’t send the baby now or ever to be honest or I would say I would and cancel last minute !! She is awful and it’s clearly done on purpose . Can you go with the baby and leave hubby home to deal with his cow if a mother ? Your partner needs to get some balls

Wexone · 17/10/2023 12:00

MumApril1990 · 17/10/2023 10:36

Obviously annoying that she’s let you down last minute

Took 9 pages but there is always one
Feck off with yourself now -Parents are fully entitled to have time to themselves. Baby would be well looked after. Millions of people do it all around the world

EW671 · 17/10/2023 12:26

MumApril1990 · 17/10/2023 10:34

Why on earth would you go away for 4 days and leave an 11 month old baby. He’s your baby, take him with you?!!!

oh have a day off! No need for mum shaming here.

It is perfectly normal and healthy for people to take small chunks of time away from their children to focus on them and their relationship!

Our DS is almost 4 and we’ve had the odd weekend away without him - it’s made us better parents and a stronger team.

Holly1239 · 17/10/2023 12:44

She sounds like a nightmare, but if you've arranged for your step dad to have the baby for the day she goes away, you are basically cancelling your break away because of the dog. Just put it in Kennels for the weekend and go and enjoy yourselfs x

Turfwars · 17/10/2023 13:15

Lol so she wouldn't take your dog because her dog wouldn't get along with him but when she's going away, the dogs being together in your house is fine all of a sudden.

DM used to beg to take DS. And then if you actually asked her to babysit, she'd just refuse, or agree and just bail close to the date. After the third refusal I decided that I'd never ask her ever again and I never ever have. I realised that she liked to project the idea of a doting nan but in reality she just couldn't be arsed to actually BE a doting nan.

DS is now 11 and I've a wide circle of trusted family on DH's side, friends and neighbours who I can call on in an emergency. I rarely have luckily but they are there if I need them and likewise.

Naturally now DM's version is that I never ever allowed her to babysit her darling grandson. I'm the reason she doesn't have a bond with him. Not the fact that whenever he's around her, she barely acknowledges his existence.

So beware that version getting floated around about you as well...

Nanny0gg · 17/10/2023 13:41

Holly1239 · 17/10/2023 12:44

She sounds like a nightmare, but if you've arranged for your step dad to have the baby for the day she goes away, you are basically cancelling your break away because of the dog. Just put it in Kennels for the weekend and go and enjoy yourselfs x

Her family have rallied round and sorted out the problem...

NoThanksymm · 17/10/2023 15:57

I think you’d just be rewarding a monster! Who’s getting exactly what she wants!

Id straight up tell her, nope can’t go away you bailed on the dog sitting so of course we don’t need you to watch daughter.

if your hubby really needs a day (and this was his mother, his bad idea, he should be making this up to you!!) then get your dad for that day still.

sorry that some people families suck.

glad you got it figured. Sadly this sounds like me and my dh families. Mine will do anything for us, his is unreliable and honestly hurtful in their bailing.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 17/10/2023 16:30

It may be a silly question OP, and I'm late to the party so haven't read the full thread, but have you checked whether you could take your dog with you? A lot more places take dogs nowadays, and obviously a dog doesn't interfere with relaxation in the same way a baby does. I also think (as an older person) that your MIL liked the idea when it was first mooted, but has now realised how much hard work she's let herself in for, and is worried that she might not be able to cope, hence cutting the time down by a day. She then came up with the dog idea, not necessarily to protect your baby, but because she really doesn't now want to have your child. However, if she is still willing to have the baby, then I'd check where you're going to see if you can take the dog with you.

Nanny0gg · 17/10/2023 17:20

UpaladderwatchingTV · 17/10/2023 16:30

It may be a silly question OP, and I'm late to the party so haven't read the full thread, but have you checked whether you could take your dog with you? A lot more places take dogs nowadays, and obviously a dog doesn't interfere with relaxation in the same way a baby does. I also think (as an older person) that your MIL liked the idea when it was first mooted, but has now realised how much hard work she's let herself in for, and is worried that she might not be able to cope, hence cutting the time down by a day. She then came up with the dog idea, not necessarily to protect your baby, but because she really doesn't now want to have your child. However, if she is still willing to have the baby, then I'd check where you're going to see if you can take the dog with you.

It's been sorted by the OP's family

allhailthebrain · 17/10/2023 17:38

In-laws sometimes really do seem to be another breed! Mine once INSISTED on coming up (hundreds of miles) to have our kids while we went to a wedding where I was MOH. Since it was no kids, I had arranged my mum but in laws were adamant.
I hadn’t even got to the right county for the wedding when my mobile went with my MIL asking if I knew where my eldest might be… Ummm you’re meant to know that?! Yep, she had managed to totally lose my 10yo, despite extremely clear instructions. Caused total panic for a lot of people - fortunately all was fine in the end, but my nerves weren’t!!

I was about to say there HAS to be a way to find someone for the dog. Don’t let this be the reason to cancel this! I wouldn’t send the baby if you’re staying home but I would find a way. However I’ve seen the lovely update and I’m so glad - go and really enjoy yourselves! Your brother may be an airhead (I relate!!) but so long as he does a better job of knowing where your dog is than my in laws do of knowing where my child is, you’re golden! 😂

Cherrysoup · 17/10/2023 17:53

The amount of people who haven’t even read the OP’s updates is especially annoying me today. Must have been a hard day!