To not want to leave the house one day a year?!

[Inittwowinit]

DH and I have two children - a 2yo and a 4mo. In laws live 1.5 hours away. I have said that I want is to have Xmas Day at home, rather than at the in-laws with their extended family. I don't want to be dragging our two year old away from exciting new presents to stick him in a car for three hours to see many people he doesn't really know. It will be manic and stressful for me too.
I've said that I'm happy to visit family any other day - just not Xmas day. I get on well with my in-laws, so that's not an issue. My family live abroad so I won't be seeing them. AIBU to say that regardless of whichever far flung relatives will be present we're staying home on Xmas Day itself?

Don't drag your children anywhere OP. Put them inside the car when you travel.

Until fairly recently, if anyone from the family went with the mother to the birth, it was the maternal grandmother. Fathers being allowed to attend births is relatively recent.

My point was that Christmas is a holiday within the Christian faith to celebrate the birth of Jesus (Yeshua) and, last time I looked, neither the Bible nor any of the heads of Christian churches were dictating any of the secular aspects of how you are "supposed" to spend the day or who you are "supposed" to spend it with. Heads of churches would be the only people who could remotely claim the right to dictate how and with who Christmas Day should be spent. Therefore the OP can do as she likes.

@givemeasunnyday totally agree! Make an effort to see wider, extended and esp older family for a once in a year celebration. Make memories for your kids, grandparents etc - yes it does take effort but so do lots of things that we all do.

you have every other day at home ffs so play with the damn toys then!

DD and DSIL used to come to us for Christmas before DGC arrived but once they had their own family they chose to stay home on Christmas Day and we see them on Boxing Day. This works well for all of us. I enjoy having a stress free quiet Christmas on the day itself and look forward to seeing them all the day after (which is also pretty stress free as we mostly just have a buffet and all pitch in). We spent years when our DC were young driving distances to please other people so I fully support their decision not to!

Good bit of advice there

Why on earth should she have to spend her Christmas Day creating an elaborate experience for other people? Why can't she have the Christmas SHE enjoys? Why is she not important but everyone else is important?

Because women are trained from birth to prioritise everyone bar ourselves. Third rule of misogyny.

With a 2 year old I might, only might go to the ILs but I wouldn't give my child any gifts until boxing day and make that your at home Xmas.

But you can't keep doing that.

I remember as a child getting Xmas presents and then having to get dressed and leave them at home to go to my dad's parents where Father mas had also delivered toys, then we would have to leave those toys to go to mass.

At 2yo and 4m they won’t even remember the allegedly magical giant extended family Christmas anyway, so it’s not for their benefit, and it’s entirely a negative experience for OP, who will remember. Staying home gets my vote. I also think think there’s a fourth trimester waiver where the person who carried a child, gave birth and is now the primary caregiver to a tiny baby gets to say they don’t fancy a three-hour round trip on Christmas Day. (Or any day, if The Sleep Regression of Doom is a factor.)

We generally do a mix of home/my parents’ house/big gathering at a holiday house, without anything prescriptive like “this year my turn, this year your turn, this year ‘our little family’ (🤮)”. But in all cases the place we wake up on Christmas Day is the place we stay put. Ideally travel is 23rd and 27th, so the trifecta remains intact of Christmas Eve (the best of the three), Christmas Day (the worst of the three, but necessary for the greatness of the other two), and Boxing Day (second best to Christmas Eve because leftovers and Big Walk, with none of the disappointment and boredom of Christmas Day, PLUS the relief that the next day you get to take down the tree, hoover, and feel like you’ve gained an extension’s worth of floor space). There’s nothing I’d like less on Christmas Day than a car journey with small children, except perhaps watching the King’s speech, or eating sprouts.

It seems that having your own children these days is a perfect excuse to be entirely selfish. Which is all absolutely fine in my books as long as you do not mind the same treatment being metered out to yourself in a few years.

For my part I am extremely grateful to have put a bit of effort in and taken kids to visit grandparents for Christmas. It taught them from an early age that it's both kind and fun to make an effort for others. That a little bit of putting themselves out comes with rewards. In the shape of more presents from extended family that come to a family Christmas (this was enough to get mine to be keen) and now - just the joy of seeing people they are fond of and fond of them.

That effort is now being repaid. My kids and grandchildren come to me at Christmas or to in laws parents. I love it and so do they. The grandchildren have the entire holidays to play with toys/Xmas presents . Although as they open them here coming the night before .. they also play with them here.

Each to is own though. If you are yet another of the 'having children precludes me from making any effort for anyone else' school of thought, then that is your call. Just expect the same treatment from your kids when they breed.

It's going to be a pretty lonely time in your 60s & 70s but we reap what we sew.

What's selfish about offering to host in the comfort of her own home? Surely the selfish ones are the in laws who expect everyone else to come to theirs each year?

Why is the expectation always that the ones with the kids are the ones to travel?

This exactly. My family are far far from perfect but some of my favourite Christmases were spent with grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. Surely this is what the Christmas spirit is all about. They, in turn , now reap the what they have sown with family all around. Pre Christmas there is so much opportunity for ‘just us’ memories - Santa visits etc that I think we can do a couple of days of wider family time. We do Christmas Eve with my sister her family, our parents and her in laws. Christmas Day is DH family morning and mine come to me in the afternoon. Boxing Day is early evening in DH family again with all the cousins.

I won’t lie, there are times when I maybe found it stressful but the kids always loved it and it’s teaching them good life lessons.

There isn't anything wrong with hosting yourself . That's what I do now. However it depends on your family's situation.

As you get older the home normally gets bigger. My youngest is a first time buyer with a baby in a two bed flat .. we have a 5 bed family home. Which is where the kids grew up and can comfortably accommodate everyone. It's just more practical. As the kids get older and move to bigger houses to accommodate their own growing families we will almost certainly downsize to something easier to manage in older age - at which point we will change the Christmas venue to going to adult kids.

Just logic really. Can't fit 3 families in to a 2 bed flat or a 3 bed terrace .

We apparently have different approaches - I love my children without attaching strings. If they want to spend Xmas Day with their kids in the future that is totally fine. As I said originally, I'm more than happy to visit people on any other day. And I'm sure, having not been guilted in to it, my kids will visit me when I'm older too.

We do this every year. Both sets of Grandparents get moderately tetchy about it.
But Why get up , open a few presents and then drag your kids around the family all day.

@Inittwowinit I think you have totally missed the point of @theunbelievabletruth post.

There are no 'strings' attached, believe it or not, some families do enjoy spending time with each other, particularly if they don't see each other that often.

I do understand, with a young baby, staying at your house this year. I would be open to spending other Christmases at your in laws. Firstly because you won't have to do loads of work and secondly it's genuinely lovely seeing your DC playing with their cousins, aunties, uncles and GPs

My favourite Christmas days have been with lots of family around, sounds like your DH likes those times as well. Compromise is key.

The irony is (having discussed this a bit more with DH) that he didn't even enjoy Xmas as a child with all the travel! He said that it made sense to go on Xmas day if it meant we didn't have to do multiple visits to see people - so hardly because he wants to keep the magic of big reunions alive!

We spent DC1s first couple of Christmases driving between PILs and my parents. It was miserable. DC2 was born a few weeks before Christmas so we invited them to us (parents came, PILs didn’t). Next year we went to PILs and it wasn’t much fun (for various reasons). After that we decided that we would just do Xmas at home. Grandparents sometimes pop in, sometimes have dinner with us, depending on plans with siblings/grandparents etc.
My DCs just like being home on Xmas day and staying on their Xmas pjs if they so wish. Nothing wrong with that and means we can both have a drink (or a few) with dinner. Lovely!

I have grown up children and grandchildren. Before the grandchildren were born we often used to spend Christmas together but I really don't expect it now. Children want to be at home with their new toys. In particular I don't expect them to lug presents to somebody else's house, they should be opening them at home.
Two of my children live close by and we do go to watch the present opening with the one who has children. Usually one of us cooks a meal for the others, but I certainly don't expect it and know that in future may not see any of them some years. One year my daughter took her children out for lunch and we weren't invited which didn't bother me at all.
My two other children are further away and I never spend Christmas with them now. Families make their own Christmas traditions and it may not include grandparents or family.

Very reasonable, we did the same when ours were very young and still do it now. We enjoy having a more chilled day with no rushing and driving or hosting!

YANBU.

We refuse to travel anywhere to see anyone on Christmas Day on the basis it's the one day of the year the AA don't work and we won't risk a breakdown.

That was the case about the AA back in the day, but I've no idea if it's still the case. Nobody's ever challenged us.

Sorry you’ve lost me here. Other relatives not extending their stay beyond Christmas Day means they’re not fussed about seeing you? Maybe Christmas Day is the day they are actually, you know, invited?

I probably phrased that badly - I meant that if they are travelling from far away and staying then they will be around on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. Or if they are more local to the area and bothered about seeing us (but don't want to come to ours on Xmas day, which they could) then they can also make the effort on a different day.

Completely agree, do what works for you. We tried the first two years of DC to please everyone and it lead to me becoming so stressed about Christmas I was losing sleep. Now we drive over for Christmas dinner at in-laws (15 mins away) or drive over to my parents mid afternoon (1hr) and stay the night. Before we used to stay overnight the day before. My mum tried complaining and saying she wanted to see DC open his Christmas presents but I reminded her that we always had Christmas at home as kids and she's not mentioned it since. Do what works for you!

I totally agree with you. We were only having this conversation today about how much the kids hated being dragged around to two sets of grandparents on Christmas day and boxing day. I spent every Christmas wishing we could be snowed in. Do what makes you and your family happy.