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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to leave the house one day a year?!

201 replies

Inittwowinit · 15/10/2023 18:52

DH and I have two children - a 2yo and a 4mo. In laws live 1.5 hours away. I have said that I want is to have Xmas Day at home, rather than at the in-laws with their extended family. I don't want to be dragging our two year old away from exciting new presents to stick him in a car for three hours to see many people he doesn't really know. It will be manic and stressful for me too.
I've said that I'm happy to visit family any other day - just not Xmas day. I get on well with my in-laws, so that's not an issue. My family live abroad so I won't be seeing them. AIBU to say that regardless of whichever far flung relatives will be present we're staying home on Xmas Day itself?

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 15/10/2023 21:27

I think it depends in the family. For us, Christmas is more about seeing family than it is the gifts. We usually wake at home and either host for in laws (as they stay over due to living 5 hours away) or wake at home then drive to dm and df for about 11am then stay one night. Dc bring toys that’ll fit in a bag. I love having lots of people round me on Christmas Day. But that’s me so I’m not staying it’s the same for you. You just need dh and you to agree.

Pipsquiggle · 15/10/2023 21:27

YourNameGoesHere · 15/10/2023 21:19

Personally I think travelling an hour and a half on Christmas day is nothing particularly as the roads are so quiet

The roads really aren't that quiet on Christmas day solely due to the fact so many people feel guilted into spending a large portion of their day traveling to relatives.

The roads really are quieter. I can't vouch for central London but everywhere else I have driven on Christmas Day it's brilliant

MintyCedric · 15/10/2023 21:28

YANBU at all.

I had this BS with both sets of parents after DD was born.

My mum thinking they should take priority as I’m and only child and no extended family, MIL insisting she should take priority…well, just because…

First year DD was tiny so all was well. Then we had two years of having to do Christmas Even with my parents, eat lunch with them, not able to have a drink as we then had to do a 3.5 hour journey up to BILs (aka The Golden Child) as that was where the ILs chose to spend Christmas but they also absolutely had to see DD.

The following year I just said ‘no, I don’t care, we just won’t see anybody’. Not entirely the Christmas Day I’d have chosen but it saved tortuous weeks of arguing and negotiating from October onwards.

YourNameGoesHere · 15/10/2023 21:28

Pipsquiggle · 15/10/2023 21:27

The roads really are quieter. I can't vouch for central London but everywhere else I have driven on Christmas Day it's brilliant

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I'm not in London but on the occasions we've travelled on Christmas day it's definitely not much quieter so I suppose it depends entirely on which roads you use.

Murpe · 15/10/2023 21:30

I'm firmly in the 'Christmas is a season' camp, and as long as no-one is alone who doesn't want to be (and even then, if they are utterly uncompromising, then that can't always be met), and people are visited or invited over at some point, that's fine. The idea of travelling 1.5 hours each way on the day itself is quite hard on anyone, especially small children.

woofwoofandwoof · 15/10/2023 21:32

the security and tradition of Christmas in their own home is a lovely thing for children. I had this and it is something I really treasure in my youthful memories. Grandparents came to us so it wasn't like it was family free.

DappledThings · 15/10/2023 21:37

Maybe we are lucky in that everyone is flexible. There have been years there have been 10 of us together and some years just us, sometimes PIL or my parents have been on their own. Sometimes we're with my brother, sometimes with SIL.

Nobody is a dick about it. Nobody is insistent on getting their own way or sticking rigidly to traditions or having to see certain people or be in a certain place. Fully intend to carry on being flexible and when DC are grown and maybe there are DGC I hope they will be the same.

The "Christmas is just for me and my little family and we have to be at home" is just as sad and weird to me as the "we have to travel 4 hours on Christmas Day because otherwise MIL kicks off".

ilovepixie · 15/10/2023 21:37

People saying it's better for the kids to stay at home for Christmas. I disagree. When I was a child I loved going to stay with relatives at Christmas, it meant more presents, cousins to play with, aunts uncles and grandparents to spend time with. A Christmas spent at home with just parents and my sibling was boring in comparison

AngeloMysterioso · 15/10/2023 21:39

I don’t mind going to PILs on Christmas Day- but they only live a half hour drive away, and it means I don’t have to cook Grin

aloris · 15/10/2023 21:48

Inittwowinit · 15/10/2023 19:22

Yes, I've said any and all are welcome to come to us. The idea of packing everything up, trying to find dog boarding for the dogs and then a crap night's sleep in addition to a Christmas Day where the focus isn't on helping put batteries in toys sounds even worse so definitely not staying over!

I've been you except with the opposite outcome and I look back and wish I had been able to stay home for Christmas. So many of my Christmases were ruined by staying in uncomfortable beds trying to keep babies asleep, or rushing through our kids opening our presents to them, so we could all go to boring houses where the kids got one cheap present, so that my husband could feel like the Good Son who made his parents happy (at the expense of the happiness of his wife and children).

Stand firm.

DavidChecker · 15/10/2023 21:49

You enjoy your special day at home watching the Dear Child play with the wrapping paper and ignore the toy. Take the photos to prove it when they are teens. It is what memories are made of.

LaurieStrode · 15/10/2023 21:53

givemeasunnyday · 15/10/2023 19:16

Christmas is not supposed to be about "my little family", it's supposed to be a day of getting together with wider family/friends and enjoying time together. In MN world one minute there is all this casual disregard for family, the next minute posters are whining that their family don't do enough for them! Selfish.

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OMG, what hogwash.

Let those who feel it's all about "getting together" be the ones to do all the driving. Funny how it almost never works out that way, though.

OP, establish your own family's holiday tradition of being home to enjoy the day. Let them all drive to you on Boxing Day, or let your DH go to them on Boxing Day. You are not obliged to leap through hoops to satisfy people who already have had it all THEIR way for years.

BungleandGeorge · 15/10/2023 21:57

I think you’re unreasonable to expect the decision to be yours alone. You either need to agree with your partner or alternate making the choice. Just because your family are inaccessible doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to see his. Personally I think at 4months and 2 years your kids will have their nap on the journey and not really care about ‘leaving presents’ so I’d let him choose this year! The roads are absolutely dead everywhere on Christmas Day ime

Ovaloffice · 15/10/2023 21:58

Christmas Day is incredibly boring when it’s just yourself and your small children. Give them the excitement of a family Christmas - they will appreciate it in the long run.

Nikii83 · 15/10/2023 22:02

As someone who had only managed one Xmas in my own house in the last 20 years (thank you covid m) I say do what makes you happy. I have been either at il Christmas morning driving at lunch time 2.5 hours to my parents for the last 20 years. I’m guilt tripped into it every year. My dh doesn’t drive so I never get to enjoy a drink on Xmas day of my beloved baileys. This year I have said enough is enough if I can stand strong op you can to!

UsingChangeofName · 15/10/2023 22:05

the security and tradition of Christmas in their own home is a lovely thing for children. I had this and it is something I really treasure in my youthful memories. Grandparents came to us so it wasn't like it was family free.

and that's lovely that you look back with fond memories at what you did, but can you not understand that many others look back fondly at their memories of being part of a wider extended family and bigger party atmosphere ?

I think @saffronsoup 's point about how different the responses would be if this were the other way round, and OP wanted to spend time with her family in their time honoured way and her dh refused to let her ever do that, is really valid.
Marriage, and the joining of two people with different family traditions, involves compromise or turn taking, not one of the parents "putting their foot down" and refusing to let the other parent ever enjoy what they want to do.

PlugHoley · 15/10/2023 22:14

After an epic rainy motorway Christmas I decided to stay home and visit the in-laws on Boxing Day. Both my DH and I only ever spent Christmas Day with our own nuclear families when we were growing up and that’s what we wanted for our own DC.

Tryingmybestadhd · 15/10/2023 22:44

Why don’t you host ?

TheCunctator · 15/10/2023 22:45

Tryingmybestadhd · 15/10/2023 22:44

Why don’t you host ?

Why don't you read the thread?

Tryingmybestadhd · 15/10/2023 22:46

TheCunctator · 15/10/2023 22:45

Why don't you read the thread?

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I read her replies , she doesn’t mention hosting

YourNameGoesHere · 15/10/2023 22:46

Tryingmybestadhd · 15/10/2023 22:44

Why don’t you host ?

She has offered to host any of them...

It's not hard to at least read the OPs responses before wading in...

Mylovelygreendress · 15/10/2023 22:47

Tryingmybestadhd · 15/10/2023 22:46

I read her replies , she doesn’t mention hosting

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Maybe read again ?

Tryingmybestadhd · 15/10/2023 22:47

Personally I think you need to compromise , a relationship has 2 people , do one what hoje one year with his family ? Seems unfair to make him stop all his traditions

gotomomo · 15/10/2023 22:49

Personally I like a big family Christmas, we all decamp to whoever has the biggest house, since I sold my former marital home that means mum, my kids, dps kids - all adults, even their boyfriends are welcome. My brothers, any partners of theres and some how we squeeze in, I'm hoping for the garden cabin this year, yes colder but well away from early risers

Tryingmybestadhd · 15/10/2023 22:49

Mylovelygreendress · 15/10/2023 22:47

Maybe read again ?

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She says they are welcome to come wound , I don’t call that hosting , hosting involves more elaborate experience .