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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messages. AIBU or is he?

339 replies

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:13

Hello all.

Posted here for traffic.

Long time lurker.

Married for 12 years to H with 2 girls.

Went on his phone last night to check banking and found messages between him and a mutual friend.

Backstory
She is 17 years younger than us and has been a friend for over a decade. She is married and all are part of a larger friend group.

These messages seem to have been going on for over 2 years.
Lots of "xxx" on messages. Flirting, sex talk, photos (underwear etc from both) and everyday talk as well as more intimate deeper conversations. Even going as far as to say that he thinks they are more than friends and that they are each others person.
Every day and multiple times a day. Always starts with good morning and ends with night night.

He says it's friend talk and I'm overreacting and I think it's inappropriate and want him to block her.

OP posts:
DoubleTime · 15/10/2023 19:00

OP, if you hesitate here, he will read that as a line pushed back to just how far he can go. You have to make a firm stand on this, you have to do something severe to make sure this doesn't continue to its obvious conclusion with him and this girl. Good luck.

Fairospop22 · 15/10/2023 19:03

So sorry you’re going through this. Xx

afuckinggoat · 15/10/2023 19:08

RE the prenup. It’s not necessarily that they “don’t hold water” in the UK. They are upheld if the terms are broadly fair to both parties.
I highly doubt that a judge would find it fair and reasonable to uphold a prenup that would leave you with nothing.

Annotated1 · 15/10/2023 19:08

Has he previously gaslit you / manipulated you at all? I’m betting he has and this goes some way to explain you trying to rationalise his excuses. Also you mention you are bipolar. It’s a threat isn’t it, him implying he’ll use this against you? I wish you all the best, you ARE stronger than you think.

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 19:13

He has previously been perfect. I know that sounds silly but he would do anything for me. Took time off for my appointments.
He's an amazing dad regardless of anything else. Time off when they are ill, goes to all school and doctors etc.

And then she came along

OP posts:
itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 15/10/2023 19:18

If you're married, and now have children, the prenup won't stand up in the UK. Get legal advice.

Goldfish41 · 15/10/2023 19:35

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 19:13

He has previously been perfect. I know that sounds silly but he would do anything for me. Took time off for my appointments.
He's an amazing dad regardless of anything else. Time off when they are ill, goes to all school and doctors etc.

And then she came along

Remember he’s the one cheating on you OP (and I do think those messages are absolutely cheating even if nothing physical has happened). Don’t fall in to the trap of thinking this is her fault and if she wasn’t around it wouldn’t have happened - it would just have happened with someone else.

Get legal advice, as others have said. Just because he says things to you re the house and mental health doesn’t mean they’re true, he’s trying to scare you into doing nothing.

To be frank also the gaslighting and controlling behaviour you’re describing don’t fit with someone “perfect” - he may be capable of presenting that way sometimes (manipulative people are good at it) but what you’re seeing from him now is the person he really is.

I’m really sorry that this is happening to you.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 15/10/2023 19:37

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You are right, it's not acceptable at all.

GoonieGang · 15/10/2023 19:41

Oh god I really feel for you, it’s hurts so much and it’s okay to not want to split up straight away.
Take time to think it through. You know he’s trying to minimise whatever has been going on. Keep hold of that, it’s not you it’s him.
Whether they did the deed or not, boundaries have been crossed. You need to decide on what your boundaries are now if you are going to try to save your marriage. Also think what are you going to do if he breaks those boundaries. His actions have what consequences?
I hope you are know you are worth more than what he is telling you. I can only speak from my own experience but the one massive thing I took away from my shit show marriage is that I became a lot stronger having boundaries and ultimately I became aware just how strong I am and how weak and pathetic he actually is.
You are not alone x

GrannypantsMagee · 15/10/2023 19:56

His behaviour isn't ok in the first place. Gaslighting you about it is very telling. I'm sorry you are facing this. I could not get over this. Do what you need to do to look after yourself. Your girls will be ok if you are ok, don't kid yourself anything else is true or that you must stay with him for their sake. You don't.

Daffodil18 · 15/10/2023 19:57

You need to tell her OH immediately. Firstly he deserves to know but secondly if you and DH have any chance of recovery, then this door between him and her needs to be shut completely and that will never happen while it’s still their dirty little secret.

loseweightpleasegod · 15/10/2023 19:57

If you stay you accept you are not his person with the added bonus of him leaving you at any moment. He is not a loyal person. He does not respect you. I personally could not live like that.

cartagenagina · 15/10/2023 20:04

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 19:13

He has previously been perfect. I know that sounds silly but he would do anything for me. Took time off for my appointments.
He's an amazing dad regardless of anything else. Time off when they are ill, goes to all school and doctors etc.

And then she came along

Bollocks. You just didn’t know him as well as you do now.

She didn’t make him do anything. He chose all of this. And she certainly isn’t making him gaslight you now.

I understand you will hate her but don’t kid yourself she has such power she turned your “perfect husband “ into a cheating bastard. Get your revenge by telling her DH. He deserves to know anyway, but reserve your real anger for him.

funbags3 · 15/10/2023 20:08

It's always easier to blame the other woman. What she's doing is shit but she doesn't really owe you anything.
He's the one that should receive most of your anger.

TolkiensFallow · 15/10/2023 20:08

He said “he has to think of her to make it stay up” … horrific

Letitgonowgr · 15/10/2023 20:10

Not sure how you could even ask who is BU! It’s clearly him. He’s having an affair telling his ‘friend’ he wants to have sex with her etc and you’re not sure if he’s in the wrong?!

Nimello · 15/10/2023 20:10

NettleTea · 15/10/2023 17:23

the pre-nup will be meaningless, because youve been married a long time and have had children.

Do you work, or have you been a SAHP? apart from 'fun dad' stuff, is he involved in all the day to day boring parts of being a parent? ie does he take parental leave if they are sick, make hospital appointments, keep on top of homework/buying presents for other kids parties , keeping an eye on and replacing outgrown clothes/shoes etc

Would he realistically be able to parent even 50-50 with his big paying job - and that doesnt mean bringing in paid childcare to cover things that you would be willing and able to do.

In divorce its the one time that the unpaid labour that women do with children actually has some financial acknowledgement. The starting point is 50-50 for all assets/pensions/savings/property if the marriage is well established, and 50-50 for custody. Realistically most men dont go for this, which gives the woman less future earning capacity, so some of those assets get reallocated to balance things up a bit - plus they like to keep the status quo as far as their lives go.

Id not worry about the 'I came in with nothing' and pre-nup situation. Prenups done, I believe, hold water in the UK

Obviously a solicitor would need to know more of the actual details of this specific situation - but this is a very sound post (it's a 'child arrangement order' rather than 'custody' if you're in the UK, but it means the same in effect).

The needs of the children from the marriage are paramount, and they override any pre-existing financial agreement with your husband. If you have been more involved in the children's day-to-day care, you would be likely to end up with a slightly larger share of the assets as the children would be spending more time with you.

Even if you don't read anything else, @welshprincess1975, read this one.

Your alternative, obviously, is for your husband to admit that he has crossed a line here, and for you both to have counselling in an attempt to save your marriage. He would, however, have to accept responsibility and would have to be entirely committed to rectifying things. As he's denying there's a problem, that could be difficult.

The third option is to switch your feelings off and carry on anyway, so that your daughters' lives remain unchanged on the face of it. You wouldn't be the first woman to overlook her husband's "indiscretion" if you did that. But it's a risky game, as it would take a massive toll on your mental health and wellbeing, and you would also always be looking over your shoulder wondering if he was still wanting her - or if there was someone else in the picture.

I would personally try to save the marriage, if he's willing to engage properly with this, because divorce is hell on earth even if you end up with a fair settlement.

Joeylove88 · 15/10/2023 20:12

I'm sorry you are going through this, but your H is completely taking the piss out of you. He's basically having an emotional affair and should be ashamed of himself for even trying to pass this off as just a friendship. To say that he thinks her and him are eachothers person?! That's not a friendship OP. Oh and he won't delete her from his life so does he expect to continue this 'friendship' even though you now know and are hurt by all of this? The choice is yours but I personally wouldn't trust him one bit after this! You can choose to stay but you will be setting yourself up for misery and paranoia. You would be better off chucking him out on his ass he doesn't deserve you.

MrsMarzetti · 15/10/2023 20:15

If they are just friends, is your Husband happy enough to go round and see her Husband and show him the messages ? I bet bloody not. Hope you sent the messages to yourself and have the sense to divorce him.

Solonge · 15/10/2023 20:18

Absolutely unreasonable of him! Ask him how he would feel if it were you exchanging underwear photos and sex talk with another man on the phone….or suggest the four of you go for drinks and share the phone conversations with you and her husband….i would be looking to asking him to leave.

Livelovebehappy · 15/10/2023 20:23

He’s gas lighting you definitely. And I know you are trying to talk yourself into believing him, because he’s always been the perfect husband and you don’t want to lose that, so your head is trying to justify what he was doing because you really want to believe what he’s telling you. Say to him that if he thinks you’re over reacting, that he won’t mind then if you share the messages with her dh, as clearly he too will think it’s fine. I bet he will go into panic if he thinks his messages will be shown to her partner, as he knows they’re not appropriate, and he will be as shocked as you. If he actually apologises to you and admits to having an emotional affair, at least you have something to work on and can both sit down to discuss what he intends to do to make things up to you and put things right. If he doesn’t even admit to behaving badly and continues to gaslight you, it’s going to be very difficult to resolve it.

SpudleyLass · 15/10/2023 20:24

She ultimately does not matter. He has shown time and time again in those messages and now he is denying it all to your face despite the evidence of your own eyes, that he has no respect for you.

I don't think a marriage can survive that, even if you want it to.

This is clear cut to me. I'd be getting out of Dodge, sending the evidence to her husband too and probably to the family/friends Whatsapp groups so nothing can be twisted and seeking legal advice with a view to divorce.

As for your daughters being Daddy girls, I can only say that as a child of divorce, I found the toxic parent always outed themselves in one way or another. Its a matter of time before they discover his true character.

Solonge · 15/10/2023 20:27

It doesnt matter whats in his name alone, you are married and have chikdren, you would get probably half or not much under. A pre nup not appkicable after kids and he would be required to provide child support, though you would need to get a job. Tell him you have decided to ask the couple round to discuss the messages, so its all out in the open and her husband knows too.

Goldbar31 · 15/10/2023 20:33

Block her?
Why are you not packing his bags!
I’m sorry that you are going through this.

itsmyp4rty · 15/10/2023 20:33

Suggest all the messages are shared with the large friendship group to see if they agree that it is just friendly banter. What a fucking arsehole, I'm so sorry OP.