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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messages. AIBU or is he?

339 replies

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:13

Hello all.

Posted here for traffic.

Long time lurker.

Married for 12 years to H with 2 girls.

Went on his phone last night to check banking and found messages between him and a mutual friend.

Backstory
She is 17 years younger than us and has been a friend for over a decade. She is married and all are part of a larger friend group.

These messages seem to have been going on for over 2 years.
Lots of "xxx" on messages. Flirting, sex talk, photos (underwear etc from both) and everyday talk as well as more intimate deeper conversations. Even going as far as to say that he thinks they are more than friends and that they are each others person.
Every day and multiple times a day. Always starts with good morning and ends with night night.

He says it's friend talk and I'm overreacting and I think it's inappropriate and want him to block her.

OP posts:
daliesque · 15/10/2023 17:42

Either they are having an affair now or he wants to have one and she will eventually give jn and start an affair.
Either way your marriage js over.

I have lots of male friends and have never sent them a photo of any part of my body for any reason. Now have I ever received one from them.

I've also been the OW (shoot me) and even then my now partner and managed to not send photos of our body parts to each other.

MsRosley · 15/10/2023 17:43

FailWhale · 15/10/2023 17:39

Right, I've finished all your messages now.

Firstly, from the bottom of my heart I am so sorry. What he has done is unacceptable. Perhaps he tells himself it is friendship because he knows that is all she wants from him but they both enjoy the ego boost from the flirtation. Who knows, it doesn't matter, what matters is you didn't know this was happening. You live with this man and raise children with him and a huge amount of his emotional and sexually energy has been diverted to her. This relationship has allowed him to tap out of your relationship and leave you feeling crap but also meant he doesn't have to be brave and actually tell you your marriage is done and he doesn't want to try.

Absolutely stuff him. He doesn't deserve you. He doesn't deserve your kindness or consideration and whenever you feel that you should show him those for the benefit of the kids, remind yourself he has not done the same for you for almost 5 years.

Your bipolar should not be relevant if you are medicating/managing it in line with advice from your doctor but I can see why you would be concerned.

My first move would be to look up Wikivorce and then once I have my main three questions, arrange one of their free fifteen minute calls to get some advice. Absolutely it won't be simple or easy but he is making you feel like you have no moves, that's not true. You have the power to find out what your options are and to decide if you want to stay and treat him like an unwelcome dog turd on your carpet that you can't get rid of or whether you actually do have the option to leave and you just didn't know because he's made you so dependant.

Honestly, you should leave but if you want to go and sleep for a week do. What's done is done. He can tell you your wrong till his balls are bluer than when they think about her but he's lying and you're right and you honestly don't have to listen to him, find a way to get him to agree with you or do anything you don't want to. Ignoring my husband instead of trying to understand him, after years of being ignored by him and knowing how horrid it felt was genuinely one of the hardest months of my marriage. It felt like becoming a different, nastier woman but then it becomes easier and you start to see that new woman as your best mate who looked after you when you were dying inside, she was there to shield you from shit. Ignore him beyond absolute essentials, he's been doing the same to you for years whether you knew it or not.

standing ovation

ginasevern · 15/10/2023 17:46

@Catza

I agree with a pp. You have implied that you are hiding these messages from your husband and he would not be at all happy if he found them. In which case your example of different strokes for different folks falls rather flat doesn't it.

FairyMaclary · 15/10/2023 17:48

Read the book ‘Not just friends’. You can download via Amazon and you’ll get through it in an hour or two.

contactme · 15/10/2023 17:48

the pre-nup will be meaningless, because youve been married a long time and have had children.

is it confirmed where OP lives though? Might not be the case outside England

Buildingthefuture · 15/10/2023 17:49

@Catza then read the thread. I have male friends too. We chat a fair amount of shit, about life, the gym, work, family etc. if they ever text me anything remotely sexual, they would be cut off like a gangrenous limb. This “friend” that op has, has been telling ops husband to “think of her during sex”. That is just…hideous in the extreme. And before anybody jumps all over me, yes this is absolutely a DH problem. He and he alone is married to the op. And he is quite obviously a lying shit bag. But I really and honestly cannot imagine encouraging this kind of shite from any of my married male “friends”. Or any of my single friends for that matter, because I am married. For me this shit is not ok. The problem that op has is that both her “DH” and her “friend” , think this shit is fine (although, I’m sure they wouldn’t want it done to them!) and it really isn’t…..

CameronCook · 15/10/2023 17:49

OP Flowers I have been in your situation and it is shit.

XH tried to gaslight with the "nothing happened" despite loads of messages loaded with innuendo and flirting and referencing when they had met up etc

You do not need that wanker in your life, it will be painful short term but it will get better I promise you.

8 years on from that horrible moment of finding the messages, I am happy and in a long term relationship with the loveliest man, the children are happy and settled young adults and XH and I can be civil on the rare times that we have to see one another.

TheUniversalsHere · 15/10/2023 17:52

ginasevern · 15/10/2023 17:09

@welshprincess1975

I don't know anything about divorce law but even if you have signed a sort of pre-nup it could be irrelevant and he will have to pay towards the kids. I'm hoping someone else on this thread might have some practical advice for you regarding finances and housing. I don't think you should share photos and messages with the group. You need to be ending this relationship and looking after yourself and the girls, not seeking revenge.

I don't know much but if the OP didn't have her own independent legal advice when docs were signed, I think she has a case. Not saying she'll get 50pc but it doesn't sound right to me and as another poster said, OP needs to be able to house children of the marriage when they're with her especially as they are young by the sounds of it. OP you do sound vulnerable. Make sure you take care of yourself in the coming months. I worry you are in for a rough ride. My STBXH gaslighted me so badly making me do the pick me dance because he 'couldn't decide what he wanted' whilst he came and went between me and this other woman for 2 bloody years, abusing me all the while... I ended up on a psych ward. He then tried to use that against me re. child arrangements. So take some advice from a crone who's been there and v nearly done that... Take extra good care of yourself, document everything, and get to a solicitor.

Cakeandcoffee93 · 15/10/2023 17:52

its cheating
end of

Grrrpredictivetex · 15/10/2023 17:54

@Nanny0gg I do but mine hasn't worked for months. Yes I've spoken to the powers that be.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 15/10/2023 17:55

Those messages are marriage ending.

@welshprincess1975 you can get 30 min free consultations with solicitors.

Assuming you live in England or Wales, as far as I'm aware, pre-nups hold little clout in the UK, so don't worry too much about that or the house. He should be providing something towards your children's upkeep until the youngest is 18.

DO NOT leave your children, forget that they are "Daddies girls", you will regret leaving them with him if you leave on your own. He's a lying, cheating, gaslighting scumbag and you need to make sure you stay with them.

If you don't like one solicitor, try another for a free 30mins elsewhere. Make sure you do not go to the firm your husband uses.

There is no coming back from this. He has no respect from you, he's disloyal, and in his own words, is only with you because of the girls.

You'll be much happier once you're rid of him. Nasty vile man.

Treesinmygarden · 15/10/2023 18:02

I've a feeling that this is a very controlling man? I think there's much more going on here than the messages/affair.

bonzaitree · 15/10/2023 18:04

Easiest LTB ever.

NoMor · 15/10/2023 18:08

If it's just friend talk tell him to show you similar conversations with male friends.

Mrsgreen100 · 15/10/2023 18:12

Dump his cheating arse , he will lie and lie and try to convince you that you are overreacting
you know deep Down surely .
so horrible for you , but the longer you stay in this the less of you there will be left
dump him , once you have quietly checked and sorted your finances

Goldfish41 · 15/10/2023 18:19

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:20

We are currently away with the girls so I have no idea. I spoke to him last night and he's trying to convince me they are good friends and nothing would ever happen and that I am seeing things that aren't there.

He’s gaslighting you.

Tribblesarelovely · 15/10/2023 18:24

He’s cheating and gaslighting you. I’d definitely let her DH know and kick him out.

Itsbritneybitch22 · 15/10/2023 18:29

Oh share them in the group if it’s all so innocent… and make sure her husband is in this group

LuluBlakey1 · 15/10/2023 18:46

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Bumblebeestiltskin · 15/10/2023 18:54

Buildingthefuture · 15/10/2023 15:20

My fucking god…..he told her he thinks of her when you and him have sex? And she encouraged that? They both need to be out of your life with immediate effect. And, you need to send it all to her husband. Pair of shit bags 🤬🤬🤬

THIS

Treesinmygarden · 15/10/2023 18:56

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Horrible post.

This poster has just found this out about her rat of a husband. Give her a fucking break!

lottiegarbanzo · 15/10/2023 18:57

That's an affair.

If it's sex it can be 'only sex' but there is no 'only' about full emotional commitment. This is much, much more real and serious than sex.

Leave him to her, to do with as she wishes (or doesn't).

Bumblebeestiltskin · 15/10/2023 18:58

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 15:24

She said just think of her when he has to have boring sex and he replied saying he has to think of her to make it stay up.

It started as friends. I could see that completely. Wasn't constant etc but up until yesterday it's been everyday

How can you even CONSIDER staying with him after reading that. Your self esteem must be in the toilet. Please think of your daughters and what you're raising them to accept.

Twofortheroad · 15/10/2023 18:58

OP I am so sorry you are having to deal with his.

please don’t let him gaslight you into believing this is not as massive as it is. He has disrespected you in the most awful way and has been having an emotional affair for years.

my only advice would be don’t leave the house, as in don’t move out yourself, seek decent legal advice and then start making plans.

you don’t need to do anything quickly but do stay strong as this sinks in.

He is a massive shit and does not deserve your love or forgiveness

Hibambinos · 15/10/2023 18:59

I think You are making up reasons not to leave him as you’re scared to be alone, but better to be alone than living a lie. If this was me, he would be out - the moment I saw those text - and I have two kids with my dh just like you. What I could not do is allow anyone to treat me like a door mat, or talk about me so nastily like that.

you have to decide if this is the life you want, because this is not stopping and now you know he is a snake. Basically you have become the other woman here. Make yourself relevant, stand up for yourself and your DDs

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