Messages. AIBU or is he?

[welshprincess1975]

Hello all.

Posted here for traffic.

Long time lurker.

Married for 12 years to H with 2 girls.

Went on his phone last night to check banking and found messages between him and a mutual friend.

Backstory
She is 17 years younger than us and has been a friend for over a decade. She is married and all are part of a larger friend group.

These messages seem to have been going on for over 2 years.
Lots of "xxx" on messages. Flirting, sex talk, photos (underwear etc from both) and everyday talk as well as more intimate deeper conversations. Even going as far as to say that he thinks they are more than friends and that they are each others person.
Every day and multiple times a day. Always starts with good morning and ends with night night.

He says it's friend talk and I'm overreacting and I think it's inappropriate and want him to block her.

I should be speaking to her if I were you, that's not normal. Is her husband/partner aware of what she's doing?

She has commented about whether I know and what I would think. And that if he isn't happy to leave. It seemed at the beginning she was on my side. But he made me sound almost abusive

As we are still away it's difficult to do anything.
But he hasn't spoken and is on his phone.

Our group WhatsApp is going off wondering where we're have vanished to

@welshprincess1975 this is not how friends talk to each other. I would never talk in sexual way to my best friend (who is male). I wouldn't even think about him in a sexual way. I don't view him like that.

If a man ever approached me in this manner I would immediately tell him that its inappropriate and distance myself from that friendship. Your H and this woman haven't don't that. They have engaged in sex talk and building an intimate relationship. It's disrespectful. I would view it as cheating. I would view the secret sharing and intimacy as worse than a onenoff shag because its deeper on more heartfelt. I would guess that they have been having sex because no one talks about this shit for years without doing something.

You need to take legal advice. I personally would divorce him. I know your worried about him using your bipolar against you. I know your worried about him fighting and winning custody of the girls. Ultimately, I don't see the alternative of leaving him. He'll just continue cheating which will ruin your mental health and self esteem. He's not taking responsibility on recognising his behaviour is wrong so he'll just continue and blow smoke up your arse and act like your crazy and irrational. Honestly, he will use the kids, money and your mental health to manipulate you but realistically you can't trust him, he doest respect you and he only has his own interests and dick at the forefront of his mind.

“Hi WhatsApp group, we’re away at the moment but I’ve found a large number of messages between dh & X including underwear photos and discussions of dh picturing X whilst being intimate with me, I’m being told this is normal - please may I ask if any of you indulge in this behaviour with other peoples husbands/wives on the group so I can gauge whether my reaction is justified? Ta, @welshprincess1975
💐💐💐OP

I wouldn't give a single second's thought to any group WhatsApp (but I am too old for that shit, thank God).

The only thing that matters, @welshprincess1975, is your own family.

I disagree with PP who say you should contact the woman's partner. He relationship with her partner is for her to sort out. She is irrelevant - all this crap from him about her being 'the one' is bollocks, and I would guess that if it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else. Your focus should be on your daughters and yourself.

What is best for them, and for you?

I am not going to cast moral judgement on your husband, as relationships are complicated and the only people who know what's going on are the two people who are actually in the primary relationship. Why and how does a marriage come to the point where one person in it is invested in someone else?

But you need to think with your head about what's best for the three of you, and act accordingly.

And please don't do this. You are better than that. Dignified silence is the only thing you need while you work out what is best for you and your daughters.

''I am not going to cast moral judgement on your husband''

I mean....the man is telling this other woman who I actually don't think has much interest in him beyond the attention she is currently getting, that he thinks about her during sex and that OP can't make him maintain an erection.

People who cheat physically put their partners at risk of venereal diseases. I don't think this ''friend' would go there, but it appears he would. He would have such disregard for his own wife, that he would actively choose this risk for her.

I'm judging. Hard.

Your marriage is so over.

See a lawyer. Let her have him and the pleasure of being with a cheater.

Yes, keep a dignified silence on the WhatsApp group and initiate no communication with her husband. You can keep this amongst yourselves - it won’t need to come out into general knowledge because she won’t leave her husband for yours, she’s just toying with him. And if it does somehow come out, believe me when I say that it does not reflect badly on you! Focus on your own welfare and that of your children. From your username I think you live in Wales - are prenups a thing there? In England they are not really binding which is why I ask.

Why and how does a marriage come to the point where one person in it is invested in someone else?

It gets to that point when the person you refuse to cast "moral judgement" on decides a flirtation is worth more than his vows, the trust of his wife and the feelings of all those who love him.

Come on. You know you are not being unreasonable. Where there is smoke, there is usually fire!

Ask him if he would be happy for his son in law to behave like he has, treat his daughters as he is treating you.

What would he say if you were messaging a male friend talking about being on your knees? Ask him that.

The man in the messages and the man you are married to are exactly the same person. A sleezy man using a much younger woman to flatter his ego, whilst completely disrespecting his wife and children.
You don’t have to hate him, now or ever, but at least like yourself enough to kick him out. He won’t change, he’s not even man enough to accept he has done anything wrong.
Sorry he has put you in this situation, it’s up to you to choose how to get out of it. Don’t accept a life of misery and suspicion. x

.

Dear OP

Prenups have no weight in England and Wales so don't worry. If he tries to use it the court may ask why he's worked so hard to protect his assets from his wife of 12 years. Moreover wives do have a beneficial interest in the marital home and you can register a legal charge (Section F?) on it.

Get thee to a solicitor with as many of those messages as you can. Mebbe his phone can "inadvertently" go missing for a day or two... You are in need of professional advice and to have faith in yourself. You have not contributed nothing to the marriage. That's more gaslighting.

It is an emotional affair he is in denial. Your friend has turned his head. Sounds like she has enjoyed the attention without encouraging him. I would be tempted to tell her husband but it looks like your husband has done more, sending pics etc. I think you need to be angry but you seem to be accepting his behaviour? Have you wondered why it’s ok for him to hurt you?

I’m not convinced that this isn’t a wind up, but nevertheless, why do so many women get themselves into financial positions where they cannot leave when DH turns out to be a cheating creep!? I’m sorry, OP, I don’t say that unkindly, but the thought of you and your daughters being in a position where he can really do anything he wants infuriates me.

I’m not convinced that this isn’t a wind up, but nevertheless, why do so many women get themselves into financial positions where they cannot leave when DH turns out to be a cheating creep!?

But she can, if she thinks that's the best thing on balance. Her financial position is secured by marriage.

I am not hiding it. I am speaking hypothetically that it may seem unusual unless one is aware of the relationship I have with my friend. Which my partner is. Your comment just proves that people think there is only one way to have a friendship and that this type of openness and tenderness cannot exist between a man and a woman unless sex is involved. Pretty close-minded if you ask me.
As a side note, my mother always told me that checking someone else's phone is like wearing someone else's knickers. So we don't have a habit of doing that in our house. If someone is looking for trouble, they usually have a way of finding it.

I can understand why you're judging.

However, I'm thinking with a professional and rational head on, and these things are rarely clear cut. The question is what the OP thinks will be in the best interests of her daughters as well as her own mental health. But I would say that she doesn't need to worry about the financial side of it.

They’re both at fault. He’s not a poor innocent bystander in this. You must hold on to this.

Why don’t you message a male friend a load of filth about what you’d like to do to them, send pics of yourself in your underwear and let them know that thinking of them is the only way you can have sex with your husband. I wonder if he’d suddenly believe in emotional affairs then?
Or you could always just leave the cheating bastard.

I’m so sorry op but this would be it for me. He’s not putting you, your marriage or your family first. He’s so invested in this ‘friendship’ that he’s glued to his phone.

He has feelings for her but he knows you’re stuck and won’t leave. He also thinks by telling you they are just friends that you won’t tell her husband. I know you don’t want to but please seriously consider this. This woman isn’t your friend. If she was then she would have told him to stop years ago and would have told you straight away. Instead she’s loved the attention and encouraged it. He’s also loved the attention and of course slagged you off to make himself look better to her.

I know it’s hard, I know you’re away but please put yourself and your children first. Yes you signed a prenup but you will still be entitled to some money if you decide to end it.

I was in this exact same position 4 years ago. I decided to stay. My husband actually apologised though. He cut all contact with the woman without me even asking. He grovelled and proved to me that it was attention he was after and that there was nothing physical to it. I even spoke to her who agreed it was wrong, apologised and confirmed that they never met in person!z I forgave him but it took everything in me and broke me completely. The trust was gone but we had a family and I wanted them to have parents who were together .Honestly, 4 years later I’m not happy and still hate myself for not being stronger and ending it. He worships the ground I walk on now but it will never be the same.

Don’t just stay in the marriage for financial sake.