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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Messages. AIBU or is he?

339 replies

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 14:13

Hello all.

Posted here for traffic.

Long time lurker.

Married for 12 years to H with 2 girls.

Went on his phone last night to check banking and found messages between him and a mutual friend.

Backstory
She is 17 years younger than us and has been a friend for over a decade. She is married and all are part of a larger friend group.

These messages seem to have been going on for over 2 years.
Lots of "xxx" on messages. Flirting, sex talk, photos (underwear etc from both) and everyday talk as well as more intimate deeper conversations. Even going as far as to say that he thinks they are more than friends and that they are each others person.
Every day and multiple times a day. Always starts with good morning and ends with night night.

He says it's friend talk and I'm overreacting and I think it's inappropriate and want him to block her.

OP posts:
jazzyfips · 15/10/2023 17:07

I can’t believe you’ve needed to ask the question. It’s clearly totally unreasonable and he is cheating. For me it would have crossed a line and is ltb territory.

xyz111 · 15/10/2023 17:08

Have you got family you can speak to/ that will support you?

ginasevern · 15/10/2023 17:09

@welshprincess1975

I don't know anything about divorce law but even if you have signed a sort of pre-nup it could be irrelevant and he will have to pay towards the kids. I'm hoping someone else on this thread might have some practical advice for you regarding finances and housing. I don't think you should share photos and messages with the group. You need to be ending this relationship and looking after yourself and the girls, not seeking revenge.

Nanny0gg · 15/10/2023 17:10

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 16:43

I do worry about the girls. They are daddies girls the pair of them.

The name is in his house, as are the banks. I came into the marriage with nothing really. He earns a lot more than me too.

I also have bipolar and from what he has said about me it looks like he is going to use that against me

You're married

It's all marital assets. Don't panic

Grrrpredictivetex · 15/10/2023 17:12

.

Nanny0gg · 15/10/2023 17:12

Tilllly · 15/10/2023 17:06

Oh @welshprincess1975 I'm so sorry

Unfortunately you don't have time to process this

Firstly, ask him to move out for a couple of weeks so you can get your head around it
And in that two weeks, get your arse to a solicitor and see where you stand

Apologising for your behaviour? He can get to fuck
And if he thinks a woman 17 years his junior is really interested in him... she may well have a few on a string

Why do people think that the husband in these cases, who is generally screwing his wife over, will willingly leave the house?

Especially when he considers it his?

People like that don't put their spouses first

Aubree17 · 15/10/2023 17:13

He's telling her that she's his person?

YANBU

Nanny0gg · 15/10/2023 17:13

Grrrpredictivetex · 15/10/2023 17:12

.

Did you know there's a Watch This Thread button so you can follow threads you haven't posted on?

Original poster
welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 17:14

It's his house. He wouldn't leave. And it's only in his name as he bought it before I met him.

The girls would never leave him either.

OP posts:
MsRosley · 15/10/2023 17:15

She said just think of her when he has to have boring sex and he replied saying he has to think of her to make it stay up.

You say there are worse messages, OP, but this is dreadful. Your DH is a nasty, abusive c*nt, and she deserves all hell for her part in it. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you get what you deserve, which is a lot. Get advice asap and fight the prenup, the bank stuff, all of it. Wishing you the best of luck.

Tessabelle74 · 15/10/2023 17:18

This is a joke right? Surely if this was true his shit would he on the street and he could head off with his "person" This isn't banter, he's cheating on you and you should absolutely NOT accept it!

Malificent1 · 15/10/2023 17:18

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 17:14

It's his house. He wouldn't leave. And it's only in his name as he bought it before I met him.

The girls would never leave him either.

It’s not his house. You’re married.

Pallisers · 15/10/2023 17:21

welshprincess1975 · 15/10/2023 17:14

It's his house. He wouldn't leave. And it's only in his name as he bought it before I met him.

The girls would never leave him either.

You are married. It doesn't matter that the house is only in his name.

Your girls don't have to leave him. You do. And don't leave the house. That can be figured out when you split. Tell him this is absolutely unacceptable and you want a divorce. See a solicitor and start the ball rolling. Tell people in real life. quote the texts to them. get some support for yourself. If you have to, tell your girls that daddy loves them but he has a girlfriend and people who are married shouldn't have a girlfriend as well as a wife but you both love them yada yada.

He is some cunt OP. Really he is.

NettleTea · 15/10/2023 17:23

the pre-nup will be meaningless, because youve been married a long time and have had children.

Do you work, or have you been a SAHP? apart from 'fun dad' stuff, is he involved in all the day to day boring parts of being a parent? ie does he take parental leave if they are sick, make hospital appointments, keep on top of homework/buying presents for other kids parties , keeping an eye on and replacing outgrown clothes/shoes etc

Would he realistically be able to parent even 50-50 with his big paying job - and that doesnt mean bringing in paid childcare to cover things that you would be willing and able to do.

In divorce its the one time that the unpaid labour that women do with children actually has some financial acknowledgement. The starting point is 50-50 for all assets/pensions/savings/property if the marriage is well established, and 50-50 for custody. Realistically most men dont go for this, which gives the woman less future earning capacity, so some of those assets get reallocated to balance things up a bit - plus they like to keep the status quo as far as their lives go.

Id not worry about the 'I came in with nothing' and pre-nup situation. Prenups done, I believe, hold water in the UK

Pallisers · 15/10/2023 17:23

And she is a cunt too - they are well met.

I can't believe he is trying to laugh this off and ignore it. What planet does he think he is on?

Honestly, I'd tell her husband.

Catza · 15/10/2023 17:25

It is really hard to say without seeing the chat. But for a bit of a different perspective, my best friend (who happens to be a man) and I share "gym progress" pictures at times. We also end messages with kisses and tell each other we love each other all the time. We are not having an affair, although I would appreciate my partner would think so if he came across our conversation. My friend and I just have a very close relationship. It might seem quite odd to others and I am aware of it.
However, we do not talk sex. If your partner does it with his friend, I wonder if this is along the lines of discussing sexual preferences (which could be normal in a close friendship) or actually sexting each other.

Bearcub101 · 15/10/2023 17:26

Good morning good night- they are the first thing and last thing they think of each day. Sorry OP but it’s clear they are having an affair. You need to ask him to leave.

Izzy54321 · 15/10/2023 17:27

I personally know 2 couples with pre-nups they both have a cheating clause. Do you know if yours has one? You need to see a solicitor there are plenty out there who will see you for a free consultation. Don’t leave your home get some legal advice asap.

IncognitoMam · 15/10/2023 17:29

Have you screenshot the messages? You should and send them to yourself.

Get legal advice ASAP.

They're a pair of cunts.

Buildingthefuture · 15/10/2023 17:29

@Catza have you ever told your best friend that you are thinking about him during sex with someone else? Op has been very clear that THIS is what her “d” h has said…..

MsRosley · 15/10/2023 17:31

Catza · 15/10/2023 17:25

It is really hard to say without seeing the chat. But for a bit of a different perspective, my best friend (who happens to be a man) and I share "gym progress" pictures at times. We also end messages with kisses and tell each other we love each other all the time. We are not having an affair, although I would appreciate my partner would think so if he came across our conversation. My friend and I just have a very close relationship. It might seem quite odd to others and I am aware of it.
However, we do not talk sex. If your partner does it with his friend, I wonder if this is along the lines of discussing sexual preferences (which could be normal in a close friendship) or actually sexting each other.

Unless your friend is gay, I'd say you're playing with fire here.

Catza · 15/10/2023 17:31

Buildingthefuture · 15/10/2023 17:29

@Catza have you ever told your best friend that you are thinking about him during sex with someone else? Op has been very clear that THIS is what her “d” h has said…..

No. As I mentioned, we don't talk sex with my friend. I may not have got far enough into the thread to see the OP's update. If this is the case, I don't really get her question as it all seems pretty obvious to me.

Catza · 15/10/2023 17:35

MsRosley · 15/10/2023 17:31

Unless your friend is gay, I'd say you're playing with fire here.

Show quote history

Why would you say that? We've been friends for donkey's years and are very close. I am absolutely in love with my partner and my friend (who is bisexual) has no intentions to date me. I have a female friend and we also finish messages with kisses and tell each other we love each other. Am I playing with fire there as well? I think friendships and relationships look different for everyone and there is no clear-cut standard in most cases. As someone pointed out to me above, there is a little more to the OP's story so I don't think my example applies here anyway.

MsRosley · 15/10/2023 17:37

Catza · 15/10/2023 17:35

Why would you say that? We've been friends for donkey's years and are very close. I am absolutely in love with my partner and my friend (who is bisexual) has no intentions to date me. I have a female friend and we also finish messages with kisses and tell each other we love each other. Am I playing with fire there as well? I think friendships and relationships look different for everyone and there is no clear-cut standard in most cases. As someone pointed out to me above, there is a little more to the OP's story so I don't think my example applies here anyway.

Show quote history

You said yourself: We are not having an affair, although I would appreciate my partner would think so if he came across our conversation.

If you have to hide something from your partner, you shouldn't be doing it.

FailWhale · 15/10/2023 17:39

Right, I've finished all your messages now.

Firstly, from the bottom of my heart I am so sorry. What he has done is unacceptable. Perhaps he tells himself it is friendship because he knows that is all she wants from him but they both enjoy the ego boost from the flirtation. Who knows, it doesn't matter, what matters is you didn't know this was happening. You live with this man and raise children with him and a huge amount of his emotional and sexually energy has been diverted to her. This relationship has allowed him to tap out of your relationship and leave you feeling crap but also meant he doesn't have to be brave and actually tell you your marriage is done and he doesn't want to try.

Absolutely stuff him. He doesn't deserve you. He doesn't deserve your kindness or consideration and whenever you feel that you should show him those for the benefit of the kids, remind yourself he has not done the same for you for almost 5 years.

Your bipolar should not be relevant if you are medicating/managing it in line with advice from your doctor but I can see why you would be concerned.

My first move would be to look up Wikivorce and then once I have my main three questions, arrange one of their free fifteen minute calls to get some advice. Absolutely it won't be simple or easy but he is making you feel like you have no moves, that's not true. You have the power to find out what your options are and to decide if you want to stay and treat him like an unwelcome dog turd on your carpet that you can't get rid of or whether you actually do have the option to leave and you just didn't know because he's made you so dependant.

Honestly, you should leave but if you want to go and sleep for a week do. What's done is done. He can tell you your wrong till his balls are bluer than when they think about her but he's lying and you're right and you honestly don't have to listen to him, find a way to get him to agree with you or do anything you don't want to. Ignoring my husband instead of trying to understand him, after years of being ignored by him and knowing how horrid it felt was genuinely one of the hardest months of my marriage. It felt like becoming a different, nastier woman but then it becomes easier and you start to see that new woman as your best mate who looked after you when you were dying inside, she was there to shield you from shit. Ignore him beyond absolute essentials, he's been doing the same to you for years whether you knew it or not.