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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this child’s crying outbursts are too much?

287 replies

ForgotTheBiscuits · 14/10/2023 01:23

My DS’s friend, 4, has almighty meltdowns whenever he has to do something he doesn’t want.

For example, I collected both my DS and his friend from a party, and as soon as it was time to go, this kid begins crying, not actually tears but just the sounds, lots of sound. He refused to say thank you to the hosts or wish the kid ‘happy birthday’ before we left. It went on for the entire 20 minutes journey home. It bothers me that I can’t attend to my own child at all when this is happening, as dealing with the meltdown takes all my attention.

There is no consoling, I have tried on many different occasions when this happens (it’s very frequent!) to reassure, comfort, give hugs, distractions, humour - nothing works! He just commits to the crying and won’t engage at all, won’t listen or even make eye contact. And it goes on for a very long time!

When this boy is playing and doing what he wants, he’s has pretty good manners and makes eye contact, is affectionate and talkative.

His mum is incredibly gentle and I don’t think he even gets short shrift at any time from her. I would spontaneously combust if my kid did this all the time, it’s bloody annoying to say the least.

I’m good with kids generally, having worked with hundreds of them over the years, and have always been able to find a way to calm a child down somehow, but this kid has me at a loss and drives me insane!!

Is this Highly Sensitive Personality or something else?

OP posts:
Carpediemmakeitcount · 14/10/2023 15:07

funinthesun19 · 14/10/2023 14:48

He sounds like my 5 year old DD. She has suspected Autism. People who have never been in this position will ever understand how complex and difficult it is.

Sometimes it’s more than just a naughty or rude child.

The mother and father has split up and he sees him when he wants. Read before diagnosis.

Redlarge · 14/10/2023 15:14

I think you need to prioritise you and your child. You need to stop being so involved with the child and support the mother only.
I had a similar situation, it caused me so much stress and it sounds like you are stressed and upset by this and understandably so.
Help mum with what you can that doesnt involve her child.
She needs to parent him. Ive got 2 chronic illnesses, I work, I have no family support but I still manage to parent and impose boundaries.
Its her responsibility to fix this,not yours.
I ended up so anxious when I tried (everything) i could with her child. To the point that it was ruining my childs play dates etc.
Prioritise you and the impact on you rather than her child.

Ponderingwindow · 14/10/2023 15:24

A spoiled child probably isn’t going to sustain a tantrum for 30 minutes. It would get boring.

it sounds like for whatever underlying reason, he has difficulty with transitions. It helps to give warnings that an event is coming to a close. 10 minutes and then 5 minutes. With some children, Sometimes you should read the situation and give an extra couple of minutes even though time to go has been reached. the transition warning should include a clear message of what is going to happen next. Something like I will drive you home and then you and your mom are going to have lunch or read a book. Work it out with her in advance and be specific. Also if you are going to do pickup, try to tell him that at drop off.

i know some people will have picked up on the iPad, but that isn’t likely the problem in this situation. I firmly resisted screens . Then I met my actually child and other into the right therapies for her and screen time became part of her routine and anxiety regulation. It’s all well and good to give young children CBT And mindfulness exercises, but they are children and that work is hard. The truth is that adults dealing with stress of various kinds use screens to help regulate as well. Sometimes a bit of distraction helps get you into a mental place to do the harder work and sometimes a bit of distraction just allows you to let go and then move on with your life.

funinthesun19 · 14/10/2023 16:10

Carpediemmakeitcount · 14/10/2023 15:07

The mother and father has split up and he sees him when he wants. Read before diagnosis.

Show quote history

I’m not diagnosing anybody. I’m sure the mum is just fed up of people judging her and her child, and I was just pointing out that it’s not always a case of a child being naughty when a child has meltdowns or won’t look people in the eye. In my DD’s case she is ND, and this little boy obviously has a lot going on because his father isn’t around enough. But also there is also nothing wrong with wondering whether he also has ASD. Wondering is different to diagnosing. Either way, he’s obviously got a lot going on and slagging him off on here or in RL isn’t nice. Thank god OP isn’t his mum if she would wouldn’t be able to cope with him/spontaneously combust 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Tinybrother · 14/10/2023 18:36

“Well done mummy” <vom>

I’m sure that was meant kindly, but how patronising

Carpediemmakeitcount · 14/10/2023 19:39

Tinybrother · 14/10/2023 18:36

“Well done mummy” <vom>

I’m sure that was meant kindly, but how patronising

I like to be cheeky and not take myself seriously. Parenting isn't easy and sometimes it's nice to let loose and have a little giggle. You take it how ever you want.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 14/10/2023 19:47

Thank god OP isn’t his mum if she would wouldn’t be able to cope with him/spontaneously combust 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yeah 'cause op is such a horrible person. Taking him to and from.parties, helping him stay in the social peer group, how awful of her.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 14/10/2023 21:08

ForgotTheBiscuits · 14/10/2023 14:09

It’s been really helpful to consider that every time I turn up or am there instead, that’s a bitter reminder that mum isn’t there at these times. It must feel very frightening to feel that your one and only isn’t there when you need her.

I am committed to being a good friend and will try the tips kindly suggested to help. Equally, not to take on more than I can manage.

You're doing good just keep being there supporting her. Remind your friend it can't get any worse it can only get better and to persevere.

Tinybrother · 14/10/2023 21:08

Carpediemmakeitcount · 14/10/2023 19:39

I like to be cheeky and not take myself seriously. Parenting isn't easy and sometimes it's nice to let loose and have a little giggle. You take it how ever you want.

Show quote history

Sure Smile

Carpediemmakeitcount · 14/10/2023 21:12

Tinybrother · 14/10/2023 21:08

Sure Smile

Show quote history

Thank small mercy's you don't live with me or have to put up with me. You had a lucky escape of never meeting me.

Tinybrother · 14/10/2023 21:14

um ok, I’m not sure what that means. All I said was that, however intended, the expression is patronising. You can take that feedback on board or not, it doesn’t really matter

CornishClott · 14/10/2023 21:15

junbean · 14/10/2023 01:34

At home his tantrums gets him what he wants. It will continue into adulthood if they don't wise up.

Yep parents give in for a quiet life

fuckityfuckityfuckfuck · 14/10/2023 21:35

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 14/10/2023 07:15

Have you tried asking him "Aren't you embarrassed to act like that in front of everyone?" Maybe ask your own kid how they feel when that happens.

Aren't you embarrassed to be an ignorant, ableist twat?

Did that work?

Alopeciabop · 14/10/2023 21:51

Just lie and bribe. So instead of “it’s time to go” say “it’s time to hunt for the [insert treat such as a fun chocolate bar like a chocolate frog (Freddo), quick let’s go hunt for it here…nope…outside….ooohh I think we’re getting warmer…uh!!!!he’s in the middle seat!” Then give them the chocolate and pack em in the car what they’re eating it. Also if you really want to be a nice person and continue taking this kid places invest in some ear plugs. It really does take the edge off.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 14/10/2023 21:53

Tinybrother · 14/10/2023 21:14

um ok, I’m not sure what that means. All I said was that, however intended, the expression is patronising. You can take that feedback on board or not, it doesn’t really matter

No worries not everyone gets my humour. I remember a time when I was getting my hair done and the hairdressers mum came in and she called her mummy which I thought was sweet. The hairdresser had a daughter herself and I thought it was sweet that she still had that close bond as an older woman with her mum. It's a title to be proud of not feel patronised about because it takes a lot of work to earn that title not all parents are deserving of the mum/mummy title or dad/daddy title and here's one my daughter likes to use papa and me boring ma. My daughter loves to drag the maaaaaa she does it to wind me up.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 14/10/2023 21:53

Tinybrother · 14/10/2023 21:14

um ok, I’m not sure what that means. All I said was that, however intended, the expression is patronising. You can take that feedback on board or not, it doesn’t really matter

No worries not everyone gets my humour. I remember a time when I was getting my hair done and the hairdressers mum came in and she called her mummy which I thought was sweet. The hairdresser had a daughter herself and I thought it was sweet that she still had that close bond as an older woman with her mum. It's a title to be proud of not feel patronised about because it takes a lot of work to earn that title not all parents are deserving of the mum/mummy title or dad/daddy title and here's one my daughter likes to use papa and me boring ma. My daughter loves to drag the maaaaaa she does it to wind me up.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 14/10/2023 22:03

@Tinybrother sorry to keep going on. Honestly, do you know what I would rather my daughter called me mum, mummy or mammy instead I get called maaaa.

Mummyof287 · 14/10/2023 22:10

It could be anxiety related....my daughter sometimes does similar when she is overwhelmed.Only thing that works is holding her close and whispering shhh in her ear...tbh it sounds like the mum knowing his vulnerabilies and sensitivities should be present to deal with things rather than you having to!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/10/2023 23:07

You are taking on too much that isn’t your responsibility, is my first thought.

But none of us here can say he does or doesn’t have ND or some other SEN. The fact he makes eye contact doesn’t mean he isn’t ND, but we can’t know either way.

Posts about giving short shrift or him being spoilt / indulged could be very counterproductive if there is a reason for this, just as they could be on the money.

greenhydrangea · 14/10/2023 23:29

People seem to be overlooking the fact that this is tearless crying. There is the sound, very loud, of crying - but no tears.

StarlightLime · 14/10/2023 23:37

greenhydrangea · 14/10/2023 23:29

People seem to be overlooking the fact that this is tearless crying. There is the sound, very loud, of crying - but no tears.

Signifying what? Do you think it indicates less distress on the child's part?

greenhydrangea · 14/10/2023 23:48

StarlightLime · 14/10/2023 23:37

Signifying what? Do you think it indicates less distress on the child's part?

Show quote history

He is ululating. Not crying. If he was anxious, he would be actually weeping, shedding tears.

StarlightLime · 14/10/2023 23:50

greenhydrangea · 14/10/2023 23:48

He is ululating. Not crying. If he was anxious, he would be actually weeping, shedding tears.

Show quote history

But he's expressing strong emotion, presumably for a reason. His Mum needs to start listening.

greenhydrangea · 14/10/2023 23:56

He is expressing his dislike of the situation, via a tantrum. His mother is doing the gentle parenting thing by OP's account, and just lets it go on.

TumblingTower · 15/10/2023 12:05

StarlightLime · 14/10/2023 23:37

Signifying what? Do you think it indicates less distress on the child's part?

Show quote history

Well yes, it signifies it’s fake crying for a response from those around them rather than genuine crying driven by their emotions.

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