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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this child’s crying outbursts are too much?

287 replies

ForgotTheBiscuits · 14/10/2023 01:23

My DS’s friend, 4, has almighty meltdowns whenever he has to do something he doesn’t want.

For example, I collected both my DS and his friend from a party, and as soon as it was time to go, this kid begins crying, not actually tears but just the sounds, lots of sound. He refused to say thank you to the hosts or wish the kid ‘happy birthday’ before we left. It went on for the entire 20 minutes journey home. It bothers me that I can’t attend to my own child at all when this is happening, as dealing with the meltdown takes all my attention.

There is no consoling, I have tried on many different occasions when this happens (it’s very frequent!) to reassure, comfort, give hugs, distractions, humour - nothing works! He just commits to the crying and won’t engage at all, won’t listen or even make eye contact. And it goes on for a very long time!

When this boy is playing and doing what he wants, he’s has pretty good manners and makes eye contact, is affectionate and talkative.

His mum is incredibly gentle and I don’t think he even gets short shrift at any time from her. I would spontaneously combust if my kid did this all the time, it’s bloody annoying to say the least.

I’m good with kids generally, having worked with hundreds of them over the years, and have always been able to find a way to calm a child down somehow, but this kid has me at a loss and drives me insane!!

Is this Highly Sensitive Personality or something else?

OP posts:
Hadalifeonce · 14/10/2023 01:30

My niece used to do this, as she knew her mother would give in to any demand. I didn't even attempt to engage when she was like this, as it made me quite annoyed. Her parents had a really tough time trying to break the habit before she started school.

junbean · 14/10/2023 01:34

At home his tantrums gets him what he wants. It will continue into adulthood if they don't wise up.

FedUpOfItA · 14/10/2023 01:35

I don't know about highly sensitive personality but I do think he sounds really annoying. I would just ignore him. Create the expectation that he's coming with you by saying cheerfully "time to go" and offer him your hand. Sometimes the continual consoling can make this sort of behaviour worse.

Circumferences · 14/10/2023 01:37

Is this Highly Sensitive Personality or something else?
No. It's highly indulged personality syndrome.

DrinkingMyWaterMindingMyBiz · 14/10/2023 01:52

I mean it could be a case of spoilt brattism, as others have suggested, but there could also be some sort of neurodivergence here. How close are you with this friend? My DS was very similar to this at 4 and still does it sometimes at 7. He’s not overindulged at home and I suspect there is some autism but have never had it diagnosed, but one thing that has really helped is getting him to understand the zones of regulation and strategies to get from his “blue” or “red” zones back to his “green” zone. Maybe you could suggest this to your friend to try, if you’re quite close? If not, don’t worry about it. Not your child, not your problem.

Original poster
ForgotTheBiscuits · 14/10/2023 01:54

I’m not looking forward to my son’s birthday party as I know the end will involve half an hour of crying from this kid, as we have to drive him home. It takes all my self control to not just snap ‘will you pack it in, you annoying little sod!’, especially when driving.

I have tried the firm, authoritative ‘Right, I think that’s enough now/think of other peoples’ and also ignoring. I’ve been unlucky enough to spend rather a lot of time with this kid so have used all the tricks!

I am acutely aware it’s not my place to discipline this child, but how the heck can I tolerate this incessant crying when he doesn’t get his own way?!

OP posts:
StarlightLime · 14/10/2023 01:58

There is no consoling, I have tried on many different occasions when this happens (it’s very frequent!) to reassure, comfort, give hugs, distractions, humour - nothing works! He just commits to the crying and won’t engage at all, won’t listen or even make eye contact. And it goes on for a very long time!
Where's his mother while this is happening?!

Fionaville · 14/10/2023 01:59

In this instance I'd give the child a 5 minute warning. As soon as they give the first signal they were going to start crying, my hand would be up in a stop gesture and I'd be saying "Whoa, absolutely not! No crying, we are leaving!" The second you try to molly coddle and reason with this kind of behaviour, you are done for!
I say this as a parent of SEN and neurotypical children.

FionnulaTheCooler · 14/10/2023 02:00

Why are you ferrying this child around? Tell his parent(s) that you will be too busy sorting your own kids out after the party and leave them to deal with the temper tantrum.

Original poster
ForgotTheBiscuits · 14/10/2023 02:04

This is during play dates, serval parties both children have attended, a nightmare of a sleepover (which I had to invoke the wisdom of Mumsnet to get through - kid has iPad to go to sleep with 😳 - another story!), and saying goodbye to DS at the end of the day.
His mum is not very well and can’t get around easily so I try to help her out as she’s a really lovely person and my DS is very fond of his friend.

OP posts:
StarlightLime · 14/10/2023 02:07

ForgotTheBiscuits · 14/10/2023 02:04

This is during play dates, serval parties both children have attended, a nightmare of a sleepover (which I had to invoke the wisdom of Mumsnet to get through - kid has iPad to go to sleep with 😳 - another story!), and saying goodbye to DS at the end of the day.
His mum is not very well and can’t get around easily so I try to help her out as she’s a really lovely person and my DS is very fond of his friend.

You're taking on far too much Confused. It sounds like you spend more time with him than she does.
Maybe that's why he's so unsettled.

Tarne · 14/10/2023 02:08

Headphones

ChubbyMorticia · 14/10/2023 02:10

Honestly? Either mom is there or kid isn’t. You can’t manage hosting a party and this child’s behaviour.

I would tell mom that you can’t manage it, flat out. You have your own child to take care of

UndertheCedartree · 14/10/2023 02:12

I mean obviously I can't say based on just this post but my son has autism and finds transitions hard. He would always carry on at home time when younger. I'd have to carry him out kicking and screaming. What I found helped was to physically cuddle him or hold his hand and stroke it to create reassurance but to stay calm and not engage with the crying as if I did it seemed to whip him up more.

BabyFireflyx · 14/10/2023 02:30

There was a child in DD's primary school class like this. I had her over here once after school, she whined and moaned over everything from the food her Mum had approved that I could serve, to being cold, then too hot, aggravating my cats and running around the back garden while my DD was still eating dinner. She jumped and fell on the tiny step that goes from our patio into the grass filled back gareren. Screamed like she was being murdered. 20 minutes later (after me texting her mum) she stopped screaming and carried on zooming all over the place.
Her mum posts endlessly on Facebook about every aspect of her health anxiety. From having a cough, sneezing a couple of times in a row, to having a loose poo - asking for advice.
I didn’t have the kid over again and deleted the mum from Facebook after a while. I’m a lone parent, she's a married mum of two who works as a dinner lady in the primary school. I didn’t have the energy for her or her child's nonsense. Both her and my DD are in year 7 at different schools now. I’m so glad.

BabyFireflyx · 14/10/2023 02:36

Also this mum with health anxiety tested positive for covid 19 in 2020, posted about it on Facebook and then went into work (dinner lady) for several days, then a week or so after she'd tested positive her DD's test results came back positive and she pulled her out in the middle of the day. Most of the class came down with it after that. Some people are just completely fucking thick.

Nosleepforthismum · 14/10/2023 02:51

I have a friend who’s child has autism and he struggles with transitions, particularly leaving an activity he’s enjoying. My friend gives lots of warnings “going to be leaving in 10 minutes, 5 minutes, 2 minutes etc” which seems to help as her son is reminded of what’s happening next and it makes it easier for him to deal with. Not saying this kid is autistic but similar tactics might work?

momonpurpose · 14/10/2023 02:54

junbean · 14/10/2023 01:34

At home his tantrums gets him what he wants. It will continue into adulthood if they don't wise up.

Absolutely. His mother is doing him no favors

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/10/2023 02:57

"I'm sorry, I know you are struggling but I cannot take X to any more events as his behaviour is upsetting my children." She isnt dealing with it because its easier not to and his outbursts in public dont affect her.

Sometimes tough love is needed for both parent and child, this is one of those times.

3luckystars · 14/10/2023 03:02

Are you sure there isn’t something going on with him? These meltdowns sound extreme.

Does he have any siblings? Does the mother ever say anything about it?

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/10/2023 03:04

His mum is not very well and can’t get around easily so I try to help her out as she’s a really lovely person and my DS is very fond of his friend.

It's a bit of a mean spirited thread then. Especially as so many took the opportunity to say shitty things about a child AND his mum.

coxesorangepippin · 14/10/2023 03:06

Oh god you're not still seeing the kid who has the iPad to get to sleep?!

Can't your son find a different hobby??

momonpurpose · 14/10/2023 03:18

PyongyangKipperbang · 14/10/2023 02:57

"I'm sorry, I know you are struggling but I cannot take X to any more events as his behaviour is upsetting my children." She isnt dealing with it because its easier not to and his outbursts in public dont affect her.

Sometimes tough love is needed for both parent and child, this is one of those times.

This is an excellent suggestion

Lindtislife · 14/10/2023 03:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

user1492757084 · 14/10/2023 03:23

They are too much.

How about suggesting that the mother is always there or the child is not.
And at your son's birthday make a strict rule that only the children who say goodbye nicely and get into the car happily to go home get given a lolly bag.
(Could he mother insist on this rule for her own child at other parties?)