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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this child’s crying outbursts are too much?

287 replies

ForgotTheBiscuits · 14/10/2023 01:23

My DS’s friend, 4, has almighty meltdowns whenever he has to do something he doesn’t want.

For example, I collected both my DS and his friend from a party, and as soon as it was time to go, this kid begins crying, not actually tears but just the sounds, lots of sound. He refused to say thank you to the hosts or wish the kid ‘happy birthday’ before we left. It went on for the entire 20 minutes journey home. It bothers me that I can’t attend to my own child at all when this is happening, as dealing with the meltdown takes all my attention.

There is no consoling, I have tried on many different occasions when this happens (it’s very frequent!) to reassure, comfort, give hugs, distractions, humour - nothing works! He just commits to the crying and won’t engage at all, won’t listen or even make eye contact. And it goes on for a very long time!

When this boy is playing and doing what he wants, he’s has pretty good manners and makes eye contact, is affectionate and talkative.

His mum is incredibly gentle and I don’t think he even gets short shrift at any time from her. I would spontaneously combust if my kid did this all the time, it’s bloody annoying to say the least.

I’m good with kids generally, having worked with hundreds of them over the years, and have always been able to find a way to calm a child down somehow, but this kid has me at a loss and drives me insane!!

Is this Highly Sensitive Personality or something else?

OP posts:
TheaBrandt · 14/10/2023 07:13

A friends child does this. She is very indulged parents ran around her. I picked her up from school once with a group to do ann activity and had a treat chocolate biscuit for each child. She wanted a second. I said no. Epic tantrum. She was about 6. Mine never had tantrums so didn’t know what to do. She did it again at ddss 10th birthday party but to Dh.

Shes a teen now and is struggling socially. Dh calls her Verruca salt.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 14/10/2023 07:15

Have you tried asking him "Aren't you embarrassed to act like that in front of everyone?" Maybe ask your own kid how they feel when that happens.

pieintheski · 14/10/2023 07:16

why does dealing with a meltdown take any of your attention? Just ignore, don't engage at all

TeddyBeans · 14/10/2023 07:16

My 5 year old son can be like this and he's just been accepted onto the social communication waiting list. I do worry he gets judged as being a spoilt brat as a lot of the previous comments have suggested but there might be something else going on here. Not everything is cut and dry

TumblingTower · 14/10/2023 07:17

That’s really difficult when you’re doing so much for him. Tbh OP I’d say as you are doing so much it would be perfectly acceptable to discipline/correct etc in whatever way you feel is appropriate. If my 4 year old DS was making someone else’s day/outing difficult when they had been so kind as to take him out I’d want them to treat him like their own - and that means parenting like their own.

LuisVitton · 14/10/2023 07:18

Will they have had lots of sugar etc at the party

TumblingTower · 14/10/2023 07:18

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 14/10/2023 07:15

Have you tried asking him "Aren't you embarrassed to act like that in front of everyone?" Maybe ask your own kid how they feel when that happens.

I don’t think shame helps anyone.

It sounds like OP has tried different strategies. I’d probably brief him before we went. I don’t want any of that behaviour (describe it). Give him a ten minute warning before leaving and dress up some sort of reward. Even if the reward is telling him Mum how good he’s been.

TumblingTower · 14/10/2023 07:20

TheaBrandt · 14/10/2023 07:13

A friends child does this. She is very indulged parents ran around her. I picked her up from school once with a group to do ann activity and had a treat chocolate biscuit for each child. She wanted a second. I said no. Epic tantrum. She was about 6. Mine never had tantrums so didn’t know what to do. She did it again at ddss 10th birthday party but to Dh.

Shes a teen now and is struggling socially. Dh calls her Verruca salt.

I know a child like this and now they’re unpopular and people keep a distance and don’t invite them anywhere. It’s sad. What’s worse is I anticipated it 10 years ago when I met them and it’s just escalated.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 14/10/2023 07:23

Circumferences · 14/10/2023 01:37

Is this Highly Sensitive Personality or something else?
No. It's highly indulged personality syndrome.

Just looked it up... its what the Sistene Screamer would describe themselves as!

Greenpolkadot · 14/10/2023 07:25

It's sad that his mother isn't well. Maybe she gives into him because she hasn't the energy to deal with all the crying etc.
Whilst wanting to help her out, I would find the screaming too much.

43ontherocksporfavor · 14/10/2023 07:26

I work in primary and this is increasingly common, particularly the last few years. Parents with no set boundaries usually.

TumblingTower · 14/10/2023 07:31

43ontherocksporfavor · 14/10/2023 07:26

I work in primary and this is increasingly common, particularly the last few years. Parents with no set boundaries usually.

Is that what you think it is?

Warum · 14/10/2023 07:31

From now on you are unable to pick him up, you feel unable to cope with his extreme reactions and feel it's unfair on you and your child.
Regardless of how unable his mother (or father) is, this behaviour is not your issue to deal with, no matter what is behind it.

MidnightOnceMore · 14/10/2023 07:33

43ontherocksporfavor · 14/10/2023 07:26

I work in primary and this is increasingly common, particularly the last few years. Parents with no set boundaries usually.

Rapidly rising poverty, no mental health services, no parental support services, impact of COVID have rapidly escalated the stress on families.

It is easy to be judgmental and dismissive of parents but the parenting ecosystem is awful now.

Schools are also much worse than they used to be, the most caring teachers leave first. Schools offer so little support now, and just blame parents as your post has.

Polkadotpjs · 14/10/2023 07:34

If yo want to co to he to help then I think it's fine to deal with his outbursts as helps you especially if when driving when it could be incredibly distracting. I think if you know his mum well you could say how you plan to tackle it and try to cut this off with her blessing - warnings of direct "no. We are not going to have crying. Everything is fine. We need to leave now " or however you think might work best. I couldn't drive with that distraction if it were not my child as I'd worry what would happen next. Does he just stop or gradually stop? How does it come to an end?

DIYandEatCake · 14/10/2023 07:35

4 is very young to be going to parties etc without the comfort of a parent on hand - he is probably aware that other kids have their mums there, and it’s maybe a bit much at his age. Is his mum too poorly for you to offer to bring her too? If so I feel extra sorry for him. My dd is autistic and I wish now that I hadn’t inflicted parties on her when she was little. She used to scream when we got there, then scream when it was time to leave. Not down to parenting, I have another child who is the type who is polite and popular at parties, thanks the host without being reminded etc etc, because he enjoys himself at social things. My daughter really doesn’t. Maybe have a chat with his mum from a point of concern - you’re worried about him as he’s getting upset when with you, ask her advice on how to comfort him. It sounds like for whatever reason he finds transitions hard - I’d be telling him clearly at the start of the party how long it would last and when you’ll be leaving (‘there will be games and then party food, and at 1.30 when everyone’s had their lunch and the party ends, I’ll take you home to mum’). Give gentle time warnings during the party (we’re going home in 15 minutes). With the party at your house, could you invite mum as well if she’s up to it? If not, maybe make a comfy corner where her DS can go if he needs a bit of quiet time, and check in with him every so often at the part either way, a few kind words and knowing someone cares can make a huge difference. You probably think I’m soft… but whatever, it’s down to experience and just having to do things a different way with a child who struggles. 4 is still so little.

xyz111 · 14/10/2023 07:38

Have you spoken to the mum about it? She might have advice to give, or a reason why eg ASD.

Mrsjayy · 14/10/2023 07:39

You are too responsible for him he doesn't need to be at your house/in your car this much he sounds hard work, you also can definitely treat him like your son when he does this. i would tell the parents that he gets too upset when you have to pick up/take him anywhere and pull back the kids can still be friends but they don't need to be together this much that it's impacting your life.

43ontherocksporfavor · 14/10/2023 07:42

I can only speak about the children and parents I have experienced. There are all sorts of possibilities including ASD.

Riverlee · 14/10/2023 07:42

If you’re driving the car and he’s having a tantrum, it is up to you to tell him to pack it in. I use to five my children five minute warnings as well that we’ll be leaving, it’s time to finish and put away toys in five minutes etc as well.

Isthisit22 · 14/10/2023 07:42

It’s crazy that you’re even considering dropping this child off after your own DS’s party, knowing he’s going to cry and ruin the experience for you.
If he comes, the mother must pick him up. Put your child first at his own birthday.

SerpentEndBench · 14/10/2023 07:45

This little boy's mummy is ill, too ill to take him to parties. Have a heart, people. He isn't a brat.

Gerrataere · 14/10/2023 07:47

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 14/10/2023 07:15

Have you tried asking him "Aren't you embarrassed to act like that in front of everyone?" Maybe ask your own kid how they feel when that happens.

You want to humiliate a 4 year old? That is borderline psychopathic.

wereonthemarket · 14/10/2023 07:48

It depends why he is having the meltdowns. And how they are usually dealt with.

If he has melt downs because a party has overstimulated him or because he has masked during the party then that is totally different to him screaming because he wants his own way/doesn't want to leave.

If he wants his own way and has learnt that screaming gets it then he'll continue. The only solution in this cases is never giving in to the screaming and even a consequence for it. 'Stop screaming or no iPad today' and follow though.

Really though it's for his parents to rectify and not you.

Sartre · 14/10/2023 07:49

I think many toddlers go through the phase of crying when it’s time to leave something they’re really enjoying. Four is a bit too old to still be doing this. You’ve mentioned his Mum is ‘really gentle’ so I’d imagine this is why… It may surprise some people but children do actually need reprimanding.