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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this put you off a partner? Cowardice

167 replies

Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 20:36

There is a couple next door who has made my life hell lately. Think banging on the walls every time the kids are being anything but silent, constantly having a go at me about my 1 year old crying.. whilst simultaneously being a nightmare to live next door to because he plays loud music through the night, gets pissed and shouts and swears, antisocial behaviour on a weekly basis, throws his cigarette butt's into my garden. He's horrible. I say he, his girlfriend mainly stays out of it and it's always him having a go.

I have a DP who is a similar age to this guy but broader and stronger (so being told to do one by him would hold more weight than little old me saying it) and not once has DP advocated for me and his kids and told this guy to either 1) back off or 2) fuck off. He just tries to appease the guy by apologising for the kids daring to play and tells me to ignore him even though he's making me miserable and I can't ignore him hammering on my walls every day the kids are in.

If the roles were reversed I would absolutely stick up for my partner and the fact he's not doing that for us is really bugging me.

I'm not saying I want him to hit the guy but for god sake, grow a bit of a back bone and tell him in no uncertain terms to stop it.

AIBU to find it off putting? So much for a man protecting his family.

OP posts:
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Sidebeforeself · 13/10/2023 20:43

Well your post is quite sexist. Bigger broader bloke using his physique to basically threaten the other bloke? And because you are smaller you cant square up to the guy?Physical threats..even if implied.. are never a road worth going down. Maybe your DP senes that?

VeniVidiWeeWee · 13/10/2023 20:44

So every opinion on here condemns male violence but you want it?

Original poster
Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 20:44

Sidebeforeself · 13/10/2023 20:43

Well your post is quite sexist. Bigger broader bloke using his physique to basically threaten the other bloke? And because you are smaller you cant square up to the guy?Physical threats..even if implied.. are never a road worth going down. Maybe your DP senes that?

The guy is a misogynistic tosser he doesn't care about anything I have to say.

OP posts:
Leo227 · 13/10/2023 20:45

have you told the neighbour to fuck off or just wanting someone else to do it?

Original poster
Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 20:45

VeniVidiWeeWee · 13/10/2023 20:44

So every opinion on here condemns male violence but you want it?

Is telling somebody to leave your partner alone classed as violence these days? Fuck me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 20:46

Leo227 · 13/10/2023 20:45

have you told the neighbour to fuck off or just wanting someone else to do it?

I've asked him, then told him, very bluntly to leave me alone. He hasn't.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 13/10/2023 20:46

Yeah you do seem to have the bigger caveman so Ug; I suppose you’re right - it’s like feminism never happened

Sidebeforeself · 13/10/2023 20:47

But your mention of your DPs physique implies you want him to be physically threatening…otherwise why mention it?

Original poster
Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 20:47

Shoxfordian · 13/10/2023 20:46

Yeah you do seem to have the bigger caveman so Ug; I suppose you’re right - it’s like feminism never happened

Feminism means nothing to people like him. He's blatantly misogynistic and has no respect for women or anything women have to say. He certainly isn't going to take orders from one.

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 13/10/2023 20:48

Not sure intimidating the neighbours will end well. It's just escalation. Report them to council for anto social behaviour every time hey are noisy or throw fag butts, they will soon get sick of it.

Shoxfordian · 13/10/2023 20:49

Feminism means nothing to you either when you expect a man to protect you

pieintheski · 13/10/2023 20:49

sounds like your DP is the more realistic of the two of you, I think your approach would escalate things

Chowtime · 13/10/2023 20:50

I know exactly what you mean OP and yes, your partner absolutely should be sticking up for you. YANBU.

Original poster
Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 20:51

Sidebeforeself · 13/10/2023 20:47

But your mention of your DPs physique implies you want him to be physically threatening…otherwise why mention it?

I want it to be known that I have somebody in my corner who will step in and stick up for me but clearly I don't have so it's a waste of time anyway.

I'm bored of these comments already. How many times are posters asked "do you have any big burly men you can ask to have a word" when they're being bullied by a fucking man.

My question was am I being unreasonable to find it off putting that my DP isn't looking out for us.

OP posts:
Sometimeswinning · 13/10/2023 20:51

The amount of threads where the usual “would he have said that if you were a man?” Comes up. I’m with you op if something confrontational happens and it’s with a man you can bet I’d want dh to have my back!

Supersimkin2 · 13/10/2023 20:52

Stop being pompous and savaging the OP. Whatever sex your DP, they should step up.

Physical strength deters a lot more fights than it starts.

Sidebeforeself · 13/10/2023 20:53

okay then yes you are being unreasonable.

Original poster
Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 20:54

All I want is for him to tell the guy to back off and leave me alone. There's no need for violence.

I think I've got the usual AIBU contrary lot here tonight because in the real world almost all of the men I know would step in if their partner was being bullied by a man.

Might I add because its relevant, this is a guy who actually HITS women. It's not beyond the realms of possibility that he'll hit me aswell. He might well be more inclined to as he knows my "DP" isn't going to do a thing about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 20:55

Thank you those of you who can see where I'm coming from. I feel so sad and worn down I really don't need all of that bollocks today 😔

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/10/2023 20:58

My DH is a black belt, broken nose, shaved head, looks like a hairy, upside down triangle.

He lets me fight my own battles because I can. He would never ever step in to placate or talk over me either.

And yes, him being there discourages consequences for my gob. But he doesn't use it to intimidate men I don't like. If someone attacked me or DD I'm fairly sure they wouldn't be OK afterwards but I wouldn't want him to take a knife to a fist fight.

MartyFunkhouser · 13/10/2023 20:59

Nothing would put me off a man more than someone who thought he had to 'step in' or speak for me.

I am his equal and I don't need him to defend me, I can do it myself.

If speaking to your neighbour isn't working and he is being aggressive and antisocial - take it further. Contact your environmental services department or the police.

We have surely moved on from expecting the men to sort it out between them. Hilarious!

LizzieSiddal · 13/10/2023 21:01

My dh had intervened with certain men like workmen, people at work (we run a company together). I really cannot be bothered to waste my time and energy on misogynistic twats and as dh is built like a rugby player he usually doesn’t have any problems.

I would be piss me off too if my H would not stick up for me @Wouldyoube. You’ve tried to sort out this man, it hasn’t worked so your H should be trying to do something now.

Original poster
Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 21:02

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/10/2023 20:58

My DH is a black belt, broken nose, shaved head, looks like a hairy, upside down triangle.

He lets me fight my own battles because I can. He would never ever step in to placate or talk over me either.

And yes, him being there discourages consequences for my gob. But he doesn't use it to intimidate men I don't like. If someone attacked me or DD I'm fairly sure they wouldn't be OK afterwards but I wouldn't want him to take a knife to a fist fight.

That's the point though, I'm not successfully fighting my own battles I'm worn down and depressed. Any attempt to reason with the guy is a waste of time and he just laughed in my face when I said I'd report him to his landlord.

I'm clearly not like you, not these days anyway.

Would your DH not step in and tell someone to back off if you were feeling this beaten down? Really?

OP posts:
healthquestions · 13/10/2023 21:02

I don't think you are being U OP. My DH is exactly the same. We spent years living next door to awful neighbours who made me ill with their anti social behaviour and loud music, I would regularly be in tears. I would beg my DH to go round there and speak to them. He always told me to leave it as he hates confrontation (fair enough, but I wasn't asking him to be confrontational, just to speak to them) so it was always ME that would have to go round there to knock on their door. And realistically a small woman on your doorstep is easier to ignore than a man.

rwalker · 13/10/2023 21:03

Your neighbour doesn’t sound like the type that will respond to reasoning
arseholes like this thrive on threats and this will only escalate your problems

at the end of the day it’s not you who going to get a kicking if neighbour turns nasty

and if your DP did go round and threaten him everyone has a mobile they can record on and the next thing the police will be knocking on your door

I get your pissed of but you need to direct that at your neighbour not your DP

not forgetting your DP may not have an aggressive or intimidating nature