Would this put you off a partner? Cowardice

[Wouldyoube]

There is a couple next door who has made my life hell lately. Think banging on the walls every time the kids are being anything but silent, constantly having a go at me about my 1 year old crying.. whilst simultaneously being a nightmare to live next door to because he plays loud music through the night, gets pissed and shouts and swears, antisocial behaviour on a weekly basis, throws his cigarette butt's into my garden. He's horrible. I say he, his girlfriend mainly stays out of it and it's always him having a go.

I have a DP who is a similar age to this guy but broader and stronger (so being told to do one by him would hold more weight than little old me saying it) and not once has DP advocated for me and his kids and told this guy to either 1) back off or 2) fuck off. He just tries to appease the guy by apologising for the kids daring to play and tells me to ignore him even though he's making me miserable and I can't ignore him hammering on my walls every day the kids are in.

If the roles were reversed I would absolutely stick up for my partner and the fact he's not doing that for us is really bugging me.

I'm not saying I want him to hit the guy but for god sake, grow a bit of a back bone and tell him in no uncertain terms to stop it.

AIBU to find it off putting? So much for a man protecting his family.

I'm sorry you ended up with a coward.

Men bleat on about protecting women blah blah blah and here you are the one dealing with the neighbour as your bf is too scared to say a word to him

Then was a thread awhile back of a woman whose shit neighbours kept parking in her drive.
I think she confronted one guy and then several more guys came out trying to intimidate her and she didn't back down. I think they stopped after that.

Your bf doesn't even have to be aggressive but just stand up for you.
How soon can you move?

So being a single woman I have to deal with problem neighbours myself.
If your DH is not willing to help then you deal with your neighbour.

Ask him to turn his music down (politely yet firmly); ask him twice nicely. Do not lose your temper.
Then you can either: get in touch with the environmental health department of your local council and go down the legal route OR be petty like I have been in the past and wait until 7am when you're legally allowed to start making a noise yourself. Then put your own music on.
I find it good to wash clothes early in the morning too! And vacuum. ( Obviously turn the music down intermittently so he can't complain too much.)
When he bangs on the wall at your kids just bang on the wall back in morse code or something.

If he knocks on the door just don't ever answer, you're too busy sorry.
When you do see him, fake a big friendly smile, good morning!! Always be nice.
He will hate it. But can't kick off if you're openly nice and friendly.

Just remember: look after your own safety & that your family's, that includes not getting your husband or even yourself into a potential fight situation. A lot of neighbour disputes do turn very unpleasant.

The reason that the DH going round would more than likely work is because the brain dead twat next door is programmed to ASSUME violence, thats how he deals with things so thinks that everyone else does too. So he would think "Oh he is bigger than me so could give me a pasting" and backs down. He will probably still be a twat when DH isnt there for a while, unless the DH speaks to him again. The OP is no threat to him and ne knows he could knock her out so he can laugh in her face.

I used to run pubs and had to deal with men like this all the time. They were bigger and stronger than me and thought that that meant that I couldnt do anything. In that case, they were wrong because I could for a start never serve them again and also get them banned by pubwatch. Was fun when I did that! Also I had other bigger and stronger than them customers who would step in on my behalf if needs be. I was never too proud to accept their help and it gave the very strong message that I was not on my own in the place.

But in the this case the OP has very little come back, so she needs to use the only weapon that is likely to scare this guy off and that is a bigger guy. Sad but true!

Not punching the bloke- she’s said many times just talking

But you cannot control the actions of others. Her DH might knock with the intention of talking but what if the NDN isn't much of a talker?

God this made me cry.

Thank you so much.

That is exactly how I feel 😔

I did have a very aggressive neighbour who tried to push his way into my home once over a minor issue (he was blocking the road and I politely asked him to move).
I said straight away I would call the police if he stepped into my home; then I spoke to him in a calm yet assertive tone & defused the situation by politely suggesting ways round things, which he did agree to.
I then smiled and wished him well, after that he never caused any bother and always said good morning. But I did have a moment of total panic where I thought he was going to punch me.

Men like that (bullies) hate to 'lose face' so I find you have to negotiate with them and give them a 'way out' without them being seen to back down.
I do come across men like this & like your neighbour a lot in my job & so I've become quite manipulative now I think about it!!

Then they can call the police. She said that. She said her do is bigger than the other guy so not very likely to be physically at risk. He doesn’t have to go in. He does however have to not smile and agree that woman I’m with is such a shitty mum she’s so useless, we will keep our kids quieter it’s shit she lets them run wild when he sees him outside.

OP, this website gives you some good information about what is classed as acceptable noise from a neighbour. It also states how many decibels is ‘too high’ so you know what you’re looking for when you take a reading ☺️
https://www.ellisandco.co.uk/news/noisy-neighbours

For the type of person the neighbour sounds like it does seem he may listen more to a bloke saying it as it is. Not the OP's fault he is being a big bully and a sadly the only thing these bullies back down to is someone stronger than them.stepping in. If no success then continue to note everything and report. No way suggesting threats or violence, just some back up, it's not oh poor me I'm.a little woman, it's having support against the odds, which everyone needs surely?

The men in my life would offer to help in an instant, not to protect but to be an ally and a friend.

Best of luck, horrible man! X

Clearly a lot of these people have never been in a position like this. Awful, intimidating neighbours can make your life hell. It’s easy to criticise when you’ve never experienced it.

I totally get where you’re coming from. When you’re being beaten down by a bully like this, you absolutely want your partner to stand up for you. It doesn’t have to be violence or even bad language, but anything is better than “just ignore him”. Easier said than done.

You have my sympathy. Remember, this is temporary x

I'm with you OP. I sometimes want my DH to say something rather than me having to. Not because I can't or he's a man but because I don't want to always have to be the one to do it. At the moment I am and it causes me stress. Just once it would be nice if DH wasn't such a pushover and stood up for us.

My dh would def have dealt with this - sod feminism, sometimes you need a big burly man!

Also… if my partner were apologising on behalf of me and my children to that total wage of oxygen, despite us doing nothing wrong, I’d be pissed. It makes your feelings feel irrelevant. It’s humiliating. I’d be upset too. x

Waste* :P

Why are people saying feminism? 😂 Do they even know the meaning of the word?

Yes your partner should support you and not apologize to someone making your life hell. I'd be put off him too.

Mn gone mad. What use is he? He says by his actions he agrees with the neighbour that he is more important by apologising and telling the kids off and never pointing out the music. And it's not even like he's a pacifist, at work he's happy to stop actual criminals to protect female staff.

Maybe it's the lib fem we are already equal bodies don't matter anyway, identity makes the woman so only tw are allowed to be intimidated by men?

Why is the OP getting such a hard time on here?
She's not the one trying/wanting to be aggressive. Her neighbour is a horrible bully and is intimidating her and her kids! If she'd just posted about this as a single mum, people will be immediately suggesting "Get a big burly relative in" etc like I've seen on so many other threads!
OP of course your partner should be looking out for his family and I completely get why you mention his physical build - he is bigger and stronger than the asshole neighbour, so why is he pussy footing around him?
Had he been a smaller size then it's more understandable he may fear neighbour could assault him, but he isn't so should be able to defend himself. I would absolutely not want to deal with this myself if I were in your shoes and would expect my partner to back me up ad protect the family from this harassment.
I suggest you get this reported with the police, neighbour sounds unhinged and intimidating. And contact the council too re: noise pollution.

OP, you are right. Totally right. Of course you are. However, MN isn’t the best place to come to for sensible advice, it’s full of provocative, contrary arses, but you’ve had some really supportive, wise responses from some kind posters, so take those on board and disregard the posters who would argue if you told them the sky is blue 🤷🏻‍♀️ they can’t help themselves, too much Friday night🍷 makes them knob ends.

You're funny, you ask a question and then argue with anyone who disagrees with you 🤣 So truth is your minds totally made up already, and you just want to hear people agree with you and what an idiot your partner is

I'm glad I'm not the one living with you or next door, having to try and resolve problems!

OP, @TheTempest is right and offers good advice. This situation is only going to escalate and affect your mental and physical health. You say you cannot move, however you need to take control of the situation and this is the only guaranteed way

Your partner should 100% be supporting you in this. However ferals like your neighbour know very well that the police and local council won't do anything. Empty threats are meaningless so a more tactical approach is required, maybe " man to man". Some men simply cannot respond or relate to a woman normally and it seems your neighbour is one

Whenever I've contacted landlords to appeal to their better nature re their problem tenants, they've not given a shit, so don't get your hopes up there either. If you claim any UC Housing Costs Element support, you may be able to access financial help to move via a Discretionary Housing Payment from your local authority if finances are tight. I'd certainly seek advice from their Housing Needs department, they like myself will completely understand how very stressful this situation is for you

I see your point and would feel the same..except your DP knows what men like that will do when confronted and it probably turns violent quickly. The other guy isn't going to turn tail because your DP is bigger, it's more likely he'll see it as a dick measuring contest. You're asking your DP to put himself in harms way to make your life easier. You need to contact someone with authority instead.

I've been in this situation before and when i explained it to my boyfriend he said " if you ever need me to have your back just call" and that meant a LOT to me because no one ever stood up for me before. but when it came down to it I called the police, not him. I knew the neighbor would only escalate. If a man is awful enough to treat a woman badly he's not going to suddenly become a good neighbor because another man said to. He's going to be a caveman about it.

I know it doesn't feel good but it's better to keep yours and DP's safety intact. There's no easy way dealing with an idiot yknow.

@Wouldyoube having been in a (similar but not the same) situation with neighbours, I do know what you mean.
I don't have a partner and it was just me and my child.
I wanted so bad for someone my brother or my ex to go round and stick up for me. Cos yes these type of people listen more to men. But I didn't have anyone and my ex wouldn't. Even people asked 'won't he go round and have a word'
So no I don't think you're unreasonable

I'm with you, OP.

He sounds passive and wimpy. He should have your back.

Ignore the contrarian nutjobs.

You really need to move house. It’s not a DP problem, it’s an antisocial neighbour problem.