Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this put you off a partner? Cowardice

167 replies

Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 20:36

There is a couple next door who has made my life hell lately. Think banging on the walls every time the kids are being anything but silent, constantly having a go at me about my 1 year old crying.. whilst simultaneously being a nightmare to live next door to because he plays loud music through the night, gets pissed and shouts and swears, antisocial behaviour on a weekly basis, throws his cigarette butt's into my garden. He's horrible. I say he, his girlfriend mainly stays out of it and it's always him having a go.

I have a DP who is a similar age to this guy but broader and stronger (so being told to do one by him would hold more weight than little old me saying it) and not once has DP advocated for me and his kids and told this guy to either 1) back off or 2) fuck off. He just tries to appease the guy by apologising for the kids daring to play and tells me to ignore him even though he's making me miserable and I can't ignore him hammering on my walls every day the kids are in.

If the roles were reversed I would absolutely stick up for my partner and the fact he's not doing that for us is really bugging me.

I'm not saying I want him to hit the guy but for god sake, grow a bit of a back bone and tell him in no uncertain terms to stop it.

AIBU to find it off putting? So much for a man protecting his family.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
LadyWithLapdog · 13/10/2023 21:34

OP, he laughed in your face because you made a threat you couldn’t carry out (speaking to his landlord). The cunty neighbour would do the same to your DH, just laugh in his face if your DH squared up to him. He might even take the size difference as a challenge and try not prove himself. I get it that it’s a shit situation but I’d look at environmental noise officer and that kind of route.

LorW · 13/10/2023 21:35

You are misplacing your anger at the neighbour towards your partner because you feel at a loss. Escalation will not make this any better, what would happen if your partner ended up hurt? You can’t reason with people like that and you need to go through official channels, keep a diary and keep reporting to the council, any threatening behaviour ring the police so it’s atleast logged.

Original poster
Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 21:35

Also - as of right now DP isn't even working with me to find any way of dealing with it at all. His input extends to "just ignore him" and when I mention involving the police he doesn't think I should.

OP posts:
WhatWhereWho · 13/10/2023 21:36

Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 21:31

They rent yes. I made a complaint to the council about the antisocial behaviour and didn't hear a thing back from them but nothing changed so I don't think they even bothered to look into it.

Last time he cornered me coming out of the house and went on one about my youngest waking him up in the night from crying I said I'd be speaking to his landlord about what he's doing and he just laughed at me. I don't even know who his landlord is though.

Show quote history

I think you need to keep a detailed diary of all incidents, however minor or major they might seem, and make a complaint to the council.

lemmein · 13/10/2023 21:38

Could you check the land registry to see who owns the house?

Original poster
Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 21:38

I have a detailed diary with dates and times. I've been keeping a record for months. I've tried to find out who his landlord is as has my own landlord but we don't have a clue who he rents from so hit a brick wall there.

The police were kind but not very helpful when I last spoke to them as the officer, whilst I'm sure had the best of intentions, said himself that them attending could make things worse and there wouldn't be much they could do if a crime hadn't been committed as they'd leave and then I'd be left with an even angrier neighbour.

OP posts:
Disappointedsofa · 13/10/2023 21:39

Yes I would def find this a turn off. A guy who can't stand up for me , his kids or himself would definitely give me the ick

Original poster
Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 21:39

lemmein · 13/10/2023 21:38

Could you check the land registry to see who owns the house?

I haven't a clue how to. If you can point me in the right direction that would be grand. Do I have to pay?

OP posts:
ntmdino · 13/10/2023 21:40

Here's the thing - with the kind of person like your neighbour, as soon as any bloke steps in then the chances of a physical confrontation increase by a couple of orders of magnitude. There is also the fact that dickheads like your neighbour won't be worried about crossing the line.

Put bluntly, your husband getting involved will absolutely escalate the situation; the difference between you having a go at the neighbour and him doing so is that you're not likely to get punched in the face as a starter, whereas there are two possible outcomes from your husband getting involved: either it ends up physical, or he has to walk away with his tail between his legs after the guy has threatened him.

Either way, he loses; in the former, it would be trivial for the neighbour to call the police and get him arrested (if your husband comes out on top) or the neighbour will give your husband a pasting. In the latter, you've lost all the leverage and supposed authority you have in having a husband who's bigger.

Your husband knows this. All guys know this. That's why most will actively avoid confrontation - there are many reasons that 70% of victims of violent crimes are men (not that many people here will admit it), but you trying to send him in thinking that he has an advantage because he's bigger is one of the more prominent ones; the reality is that his size just makes him more of a target. What you call "cowardice" is actually the very keen sense of self-preservation and perception of danger that every man grows up knowing.

The correct (and more grown-up) way to handle this is legally - keep a diary of everything that happens, record any interactions, and log it with the police as soon as you can. Then keep logging it, and stress the point that you no longer feel safe in your home. Threatening behaviour is a crime, and it's usually enough to get them to take action.

Doggymummar · 13/10/2023 21:41

Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 21:39

I haven't a clue how to. If you can point me in the right direction that would be grand. Do I have to pay?

Show quote history

It's £3 or thereabouts you just go on the land registry website put in the address and download it.

ttcat37 · 13/10/2023 21:41

YANBU to want to feel like you and DP are united against the shit neighbour.
I don’t think you even need him to step in, just for him to be angry and upset that the neighbour has made you feel so low.

babbi · 13/10/2023 21:42

OP I’m so sorry for some of the comments you’ve had on here … I agree with @LizzieSiddal 100 %. .. ( I’m a gobby cow ) but DH has my back and the some .
Your ask is not unreasonable.

Coldinscotland · 13/10/2023 21:42

Years ago my best friend confided in me about her abusive relationship when she was younger.. Many a black eye and injuries.. I went on to marry her db. He once confessed he was walking home and saw his dsis being abused in a back street by that bf.. and did nothing.. I never felt the same for him after that. We split up not long after. Other reasons but that haunted me tbh..

Ponoka7 · 13/10/2023 21:43

I don't know any men who'd apologise for his baby doing what babies do, to a POS who plays music through the night and rants and swears because he's a piss head. These replies are nuts. Do you have the LLs number? I'd be on the phone every night he's being loud. Also go down the antisocial behaviour route. Of course your DP should be defending his children. This isn't your issue alone, the children who are being harassed are shared with him.

Original poster
Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 21:45

Doggymummar · 13/10/2023 21:41

It's £3 or thereabouts you just go on the land registry website put in the address and download it.

Show quote history

Is this the right site? I will buy it now. This is really very helpful thank you. I didn't know about that. My own landlord may well want to speak to the neighbours landlord as he's at risk of losing long term tenants over this and isn't happy at all.

Would this put you off a partner? Cowardice
OP posts:
pidgewidgeon · 13/10/2023 21:45

I’m really sorry you’re going through this, nightmare neighbours are soul crushing.

My DH is somewhat similar, hates conflict and will always let things go rather than argue. When our ex-neighbour from hell stuck his foot in our door and screamed abuse at me while I was home alone, DH immediately drove back from work, hammered on his door, gave him a few choice words and we didn’t hear another peep before we moved.

I completely get where you’re coming from & I hope you can find a way to get back some peace at home soon 💛

Whalewatchers · 13/10/2023 21:46

If I was your fella, I'd find it VERY hard to not say something to the other guy, even something alo g the lines of, you are upsetting my wife and you need to stop it. Right fucking now.

We've got a resident crazy neighbour and for all the shit he's said to me about me, he hasn't once dared mention anything about my wife or kids, probably because he knows where that would get him. I don't go out of my way to start trouble, but you can't let people walk over you and clearly you are no physical match for him. I think it is relevant you mentioned the size of your other half, your pointing out that the neighbour isn't picking on you because you have a tiny, scrawny husband. Maybe say to your husband how the neighbour must be laughing at us both, he picks on me and instead of standing up to me, her husband comes around saying, I'm sooooo sorry.

EyeScroll · 13/10/2023 21:46

I would definitely want my partner to stand up for me and say something, assertively but not aggressively. It would really annoy me if he was appeasing a neighbour who was making my life very difficult. Especially when children are involved, this should be even more reason to help out. I do understand what you're saying - you're a team and you need his support in this.

Sidebeforeself · 13/10/2023 21:47

@ntmdino Excellent post . OP your DP should absolutely be supporting you though and I agree he needs to “ have your back” in that sense .But working together to tackle it via police etc rather than going round to tell him to back off.

Sidebeforeself · 13/10/2023 21:48

And I’m only saying this cos I’ve seen too much “ macho “ violence

Doggymummar · 13/10/2023 21:48

Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 21:45

Is this the right site? I will buy it now. This is really very helpful thank you. I didn't know about that. My own landlord may well want to speak to the neighbours landlord as he's at risk of losing long term tenants over this and isn't happy at all.

Show quote history

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/apply-for-hm-land-registry-business-e-services

Apply for HM Land Registry Business e-services

Business customers can apply to access our electronic services through the portal or Business Gateway.

https://www.gov.uk/guidance/apply-for-hm-land-registry-business-e-services

Original poster
Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 21:51

Ponoka7 · 13/10/2023 21:43

I don't know any men who'd apologise for his baby doing what babies do, to a POS who plays music through the night and rants and swears because he's a piss head. These replies are nuts. Do you have the LLs number? I'd be on the phone every night he's being loud. Also go down the antisocial behaviour route. Of course your DP should be defending his children. This isn't your issue alone, the children who are being harassed are shared with him.

Thank you! Its mental isn't it?

DP literally apologises and says he'll do his best to keep the kids quiet. How on earth can he stop kids being kids? Because I swear, there is nothing that they do that is in any way unacceptable or enough to be deemed nuisance noise.

Our baby has been woken up constantly in the night by that dickheads music and DP doesn't even go and knock on the door to ask him to turn it down. DP won't even bang on the wall! (Even though the neighbour bangs on ours when the baby is crying) 🙁

He's so passive, too passive. There is alot of ground between standing up for yourself/family and physical violence.

The guy was blasting out some dreadful music the other night and when I said I was going to bang on the wall in a minute DP said not to!

It's mental.

OP posts:
BetterWithPockets · 13/10/2023 21:51

I’d want my DH to have my back, OP. It’s not about wanting things to escalate or condoning violence — I’d just want to feel my DP was on my side. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. And it’s funny — if you’d posted that you were having trouble with your MIL, nearly everyone would be saying your DP should grow a backbone (or something like that). But because it’s a neighbour, it’s apparently far too much to ask that your DP step in…

Whalewatchers · 13/10/2023 21:51

Disappointedsofa · 13/10/2023 21:39

Yes I would def find this a turn off. A guy who can't stand up for me , his kids or himself would definitely give me the ick

It does depend who you are dealing with through. Some people are sociopaths. They also happen to have a lot of time on their hands, take enjoyment out of conflict, have anger management issues etc. The best think you can do is ignore them, otherwise you are feeding their behaviour. You are giving them what they want, an argument. Not everyone's brain is wired correctly. It often takes a bigger man to ignore the shouting and insults of an unhinged nutjob and leave them to it.