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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would this put you off a partner? Cowardice

167 replies

Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 20:36

There is a couple next door who has made my life hell lately. Think banging on the walls every time the kids are being anything but silent, constantly having a go at me about my 1 year old crying.. whilst simultaneously being a nightmare to live next door to because he plays loud music through the night, gets pissed and shouts and swears, antisocial behaviour on a weekly basis, throws his cigarette butt's into my garden. He's horrible. I say he, his girlfriend mainly stays out of it and it's always him having a go.

I have a DP who is a similar age to this guy but broader and stronger (so being told to do one by him would hold more weight than little old me saying it) and not once has DP advocated for me and his kids and told this guy to either 1) back off or 2) fuck off. He just tries to appease the guy by apologising for the kids daring to play and tells me to ignore him even though he's making me miserable and I can't ignore him hammering on my walls every day the kids are in.

If the roles were reversed I would absolutely stick up for my partner and the fact he's not doing that for us is really bugging me.

I'm not saying I want him to hit the guy but for god sake, grow a bit of a back bone and tell him in no uncertain terms to stop it.

AIBU to find it off putting? So much for a man protecting his family.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
Original poster
Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 21:06

LizzieSiddal · 13/10/2023 21:01

My dh had intervened with certain men like workmen, people at work (we run a company together). I really cannot be bothered to waste my time and energy on misogynistic twats and as dh is built like a rugby player he usually doesn’t have any problems.

I would be piss me off too if my H would not stick up for me @Wouldyoube. You’ve tried to sort out this man, it hasn’t worked so your H should be trying to do something now.

My thoughts exactly, thank you.

This place is like an echo chamber. My mistake was bringing sex into it. I should have known better on here where apparently every woman is a match for the local 6ft thug who throws his weight around 🙄

Is that the message we want DV victims to read? Really? And before anybody jumps on to that comment.... I am one, from years ago. I absolutely could not defend myself against that POS and I can't defend myself against this POS.

OP posts:
MartyFunkhouser · 13/10/2023 21:10

So are you saying you want your dh to intervene with violence or the threat of it? Because that's what it sounds like.

If your neighbour is a moronic thug, you don't respond in kind.

Original poster
Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 21:11

healthquestions · 13/10/2023 21:02

I don't think you are being U OP. My DH is exactly the same. We spent years living next door to awful neighbours who made me ill with their anti social behaviour and loud music, I would regularly be in tears. I would beg my DH to go round there and speak to them. He always told me to leave it as he hates confrontation (fair enough, but I wasn't asking him to be confrontational, just to speak to them) so it was always ME that would have to go round there to knock on their door. And realistically a small woman on your doorstep is easier to ignore than a man.

I could have written this word for word. I'm so sorry you've been in the same situation. It really wears you down doesn't it?

Like you, I only wanted him to speak to him. To have a word. I know my DP isn't the sort to tell anybody to fuck off so that was just hyperbole really.

Also like you, I've been in tears on a regular basis because of it and all DP has to say is to "ignore him" which is easy for him to say when he's virtually never here and doesn't have to deal with it.

Have your neighbours gone now. I really hope so.

OP posts:
Sidebeforeself · 13/10/2023 21:12

you don’t seem to take people disagreeing with you very well. I totally understand how horrible it is dealing with people like that.I too had an abusive ex. But my point is you don’t know what physical danger your DP might end up in if it leads to a confrontation and the fact you mention his physique suggests you want him to somehow physically intimidate this guy. And if he does that could end so badly ..I couldn’t deliberately put someone I loved in that position.

Original poster
Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 21:12

MartyFunkhouser · 13/10/2023 21:10

So are you saying you want your dh to intervene with violence or the threat of it? Because that's what it sounds like.

If your neighbour is a moronic thug, you don't respond in kind.

Where are you people pulling that from? Where have I said I want violence.

I said, I want him to tell him to back off and leave me alone

Is that too much of an ask?

OP posts:
Sidebeforeself · 13/10/2023 21:15

But if he says ‘back off and leave her alone” and the guy replies along the lines of “Fuck off..or else..”…what does your DP do then?

CrackSpackle · 13/10/2023 21:15

Shoxfordian · 13/10/2023 20:46

Yeah you do seem to have the bigger caveman so Ug; I suppose you’re right - it’s like feminism never happened

Seriously? Take a look at Instagram and tell me feminism hasn't disappeared Envy

Fionaville · 13/10/2023 21:17

Yes I would expect my DH to sort the nasty neighbour out (assuming neighbour took no notice of me) It's nothing to do with advocating for violence. Just some men don't listen to women, because they are pricks. I'd tell your DH that he's being a wet lettuce and it's not an attractive look to a wife!

Original poster
Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 21:18

Sidebeforeself · 13/10/2023 21:12

you don’t seem to take people disagreeing with you very well. I totally understand how horrible it is dealing with people like that.I too had an abusive ex. But my point is you don’t know what physical danger your DP might end up in if it leads to a confrontation and the fact you mention his physique suggests you want him to somehow physically intimidate this guy. And if he does that could end so badly ..I couldn’t deliberately put someone I loved in that position.

I'm not very resilient at the minute so please excuse me if I sound combative, I'm just really quite upset.

I wish I could go back and re write the post without mentioning sex and the fact that DP is much bigger than me because almost all replies are concentrating on that and nothing else.

The phrase "pick on somebody your own size" exists because its a known fact that bullies go for the low hanging fruit, people smaller and weaker than them. The reason I want DP to step in and say hey, you need to stop it, is because said bully is much less likely to take the same tone with somebody who is, let's face it, more of a match and therefore more likely to listen to being told to back off.

I haven't said anything about violence and its stressing me out having to repeat myself.

OP posts:
Stressfordays · 13/10/2023 21:19

He isn't gonna back you up so follow through on reporting him to landlord/police etc. If you don't feel able to square up to him.

I'm a scrappy fucker so would rile him until he went for me then get him arrested 🤣

Original poster
Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 21:20

Sidebeforeself · 13/10/2023 21:15

But if he says ‘back off and leave her alone” and the guy replies along the lines of “Fuck off..or else..”…what does your DP do then?

Comes home and rings the police because that's a threat.

The police aren't interested in neighbour disputes unless it escalates to violence or the threat of.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 21:22

Stressfordays · 13/10/2023 21:19

He isn't gonna back you up so follow through on reporting him to landlord/police etc. If you don't feel able to square up to him.

I'm a scrappy fucker so would rile him until he went for me then get him arrested 🤣

This made me chuckle, thank you.

I did speak to the police a few weeks ago so there is a log although the officer did say that sometimes involving police is the worst thing you can do as people of a certain nature see it as inflammatory and it can make things worse.

Things have ramped up somewhat since then though so it might be worth me having a chat again, I'm just a bit worried about making it worse and having to contend with all of the "grass, fucking grass" that will come afterwards 😞

OP posts:
lemmein · 13/10/2023 21:22

I understand where you're coming from OP; I'm the mouthier one in my relationship and DH hates conflict so I'd probably be in the same situation as you. If my neighbours were a nightmare I'd be the one hammering on the door and DH would be asking me to leave it. He comes from an abusive family so any sort of conflict makes him freeze, whereas I come from a long line of 'take no shit' women so im more likely to react without engaging my brain - probably how I'll die tbh!

However, your neighbour knows you have a DH and doesn't seem to care - men like that aren't arsed by being spoken to by bigger men (especially reluctant ones!), in fact if they feel threatened it's likely to escalate, not calm down - I wouldn't be encouraging my DH to confront someone like that. A man playing the 'big I am' ain't going to cower, they'll just bring a knife!

I'd move if possible - you shouldn't have to but life's too short to have this sort of shit to deal with daily.

CaroleSinger · 13/10/2023 21:24

Is it possible your DP can already see it's just not possible to reason with people like this? Maybe it's time to go to the authorities now. Do they rent? Make a complaint about antisocial behaviour.

Stressfordays · 13/10/2023 21:25

Got any gobby female friends who will come and help you deal with him? Id certainly jump in for a friend who was feeling vulnerable and beaten down.

WhatWhereWho · 13/10/2023 21:26

Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 20:36

There is a couple next door who has made my life hell lately. Think banging on the walls every time the kids are being anything but silent, constantly having a go at me about my 1 year old crying.. whilst simultaneously being a nightmare to live next door to because he plays loud music through the night, gets pissed and shouts and swears, antisocial behaviour on a weekly basis, throws his cigarette butt's into my garden. He's horrible. I say he, his girlfriend mainly stays out of it and it's always him having a go.

I have a DP who is a similar age to this guy but broader and stronger (so being told to do one by him would hold more weight than little old me saying it) and not once has DP advocated for me and his kids and told this guy to either 1) back off or 2) fuck off. He just tries to appease the guy by apologising for the kids daring to play and tells me to ignore him even though he's making me miserable and I can't ignore him hammering on my walls every day the kids are in.

If the roles were reversed I would absolutely stick up for my partner and the fact he's not doing that for us is really bugging me.

I'm not saying I want him to hit the guy but for god sake, grow a bit of a back bone and tell him in no uncertain terms to stop it.

AIBU to find it off putting? So much for a man protecting his family.

Perhaps he's just not physically confrontational. Not every man grows up knowing how to fight, having fights or with the life experience to be able to handle physical confrontation.

And if your neighbour is as bad as you say if he went round he would have to be prepared for violence. I get that you are having a terrible time and if your partner could silence him it would be good -I do get that. But you are being harsh on him I think. Contact the authorities perhaps?

Nowherenew · 13/10/2023 21:28

I’m really surprised by these replies!

This isn’t about wanting your DP to fight your battles for you, you just want him to support you and not apologise for your kids acting like kids!

I understand that maybe your DH doesn’t want to go round there all guns blazing but at the very least he could stick up for you and your kids.

MsRosley · 13/10/2023 21:28

I totally understand how you feel, OP. I have one of these blokes too. Leaves me to fight my battles, and his. It wears you down, the lack of someone having your back.

BackAgainstWall · 13/10/2023 21:28

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

All you want, and rightly so, is your DH’s support to show you are a United front. No more no less.

No violence.

Unfortunately lots of men are cowards, including your DH.

Original poster
Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 21:29

I don't have any friends who would come and back me up unfortunately no. I have one or two newish 'mum' friends but neither would want to get involved in something like this, not least because one works for the police 😁

I've asked for her advice and she's in the same camp as DP "just ignore him" but neither of them are really grasping how hard that is to do and I don't feel able to leave the house when his car is there he has unsettled me so much.

OP posts:
Nowherenew · 13/10/2023 21:29

CaroleSinger · 13/10/2023 21:24

Is it possible your DP can already see it's just not possible to reason with people like this? Maybe it's time to go to the authorities now. Do they rent? Make a complaint about antisocial behaviour.

This is what I was wondering too.

Some people love drama and tension and perhaps DH feels that my getting involved it may make it worse.

I don’t understand why he wouldn’t stick up for you though still.

Original poster
Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 21:31

CaroleSinger · 13/10/2023 21:24

Is it possible your DP can already see it's just not possible to reason with people like this? Maybe it's time to go to the authorities now. Do they rent? Make a complaint about antisocial behaviour.

They rent yes. I made a complaint to the council about the antisocial behaviour and didn't hear a thing back from them but nothing changed so I don't think they even bothered to look into it.

Last time he cornered me coming out of the house and went on one about my youngest waking him up in the night from crying I said I'd be speaking to his landlord about what he's doing and he just laughed at me. I don't even know who his landlord is though.

OP posts:
LadyWithLapdog · 13/10/2023 21:31

It would only lead to violence. Or your DH being humiliated and then you’ll disrespect him even more. Why don’t you see this is not of your DH’s making and your anger is displaced. You can make a United front but work towards a non-confrontational and non-violent resolution. However much that makes you scream on the inside.

Original poster
Wouldyoube · 13/10/2023 21:34

LadyWithLapdog · 13/10/2023 21:31

It would only lead to violence. Or your DH being humiliated and then you’ll disrespect him even more. Why don’t you see this is not of your DH’s making and your anger is displaced. You can make a United front but work towards a non-confrontational and non-violent resolution. However much that makes you scream on the inside.

I wouldn't. I'd just be grateful to have his support as right now I don't feel as though i do.

I see no reason for the neighbour to launch into fisticuffs if my DP approaches him reasonably and asks to have a chat. He's an arsehole but he's not totally loopy.

OP posts:
pleasefuckinggodno · 13/10/2023 21:34

Contact the landlord and the council regarding antisocial and aggressive behaviour. The pen is mightier than the sword OP.