Would this put you off a partner? Cowardice

[Wouldyoube]

There is a couple next door who has made my life hell lately. Think banging on the walls every time the kids are being anything but silent, constantly having a go at me about my 1 year old crying.. whilst simultaneously being a nightmare to live next door to because he plays loud music through the night, gets pissed and shouts and swears, antisocial behaviour on a weekly basis, throws his cigarette butt's into my garden. He's horrible. I say he, his girlfriend mainly stays out of it and it's always him having a go.

I have a DP who is a similar age to this guy but broader and stronger (so being told to do one by him would hold more weight than little old me saying it) and not once has DP advocated for me and his kids and told this guy to either 1) back off or 2) fuck off. He just tries to appease the guy by apologising for the kids daring to play and tells me to ignore him even though he's making me miserable and I can't ignore him hammering on my walls every day the kids are in.

If the roles were reversed I would absolutely stick up for my partner and the fact he's not doing that for us is really bugging me.

I'm not saying I want him to hit the guy but for god sake, grow a bit of a back bone and tell him in no uncertain terms to stop it.

AIBU to find it off putting? So much for a man protecting his family.

I hope you don't find out he owns it!

i’d absolutely expect drh to have a word. No one can pretend there arent still loads of misogynists about who respond only to men

It's like a weight off to see the supportive comments coming in, thank you so much. I was thinking of leaving the thread as people just kept barking the same things at me about inciting violence when that is definitely not my intention.

I can say for certain that they don't own the property as when they moved in, and seemed like normal people, the girlfriend specifically mentioned having a landlord. From what I can now see on the land registry the place was last sold in 2010. They've been here since 2019.

ok, so I’m a housing officer and i agree that you should go down the correct channels to report the ASB.

personally, i’d move. Action against ASB is a very long slow process and it often gets worse before it either improves or he gets kicked out.

I absolutely would expect DH to go and have a good word. He is an ex bouncer and weight lifter and he wouldn’t step in unless I asked him to, but if a man was hassling me and the kids, he absolutely would. I also agree that your DP’s wet passive attitude would also damage my feelings for him. It’s so important to have each others backs. Good luck OP, I hope this gets sorted quickly and peacefully for you.

Honestly, if an arsehole like this feels intimidated by your husband it might be that he shrivels up and learns his lesson. It might also be that if a larger, more physically imposing man went round to confront him that he might feel threatened and decide to get in first with a punch, or even bring out a weapon.

I wouldn't want to put my partner in a position where they might get thumped or worse. Statistically men are more likely to hit another man than a woman.

Stick to the council/environmental health/police approach.

YANBU. Why wouldn’t he want to try to sort things? Yes, it’s sad that this pathetic excuse of a man that lives next door won’t be respectful or listen to you, but sadly some men only respect another man being upfront with them. I deal with it all the time in work (male dominated industry). So many men speak to me and my female colleagues like shit, shout at us, tell us we don’t know what we’re doing etc, yet they instantly back down and apologise sometimes once they’re told by men they’ve been out of order. Unless you experience this often, you maybe won’t understand. Some men just don’t listen to women!

Let the kids run wild, you won’t hear the banging on the wall. Fag ends, chuck back over. Get up early and leave the alarm clock on full blast. If he’s going to be a cunt be a bigger one. You need to fight fire with fire

I hear you op, i think my virginity would actually grow back if my DP was that soft

Feminism means nothing to you either when you expect a man to protect you

Does that apply to phoning the police, too?

I don't see how wanting to find a way to stop the NDN from making her life a misery is anti-feminist?

If he goes round, tells him to leave you alone, and gets punched in the face for his trouble, what then?

I do have some sympathy for your view but there are a lot of downsides of going down that route.

Obviously the neighbour is harassing the OP's family and she feels she's having to do the work of trying to solve it, talking to the neighbour and feeling ignored and even intimidated.

Of course DP should back her up and show the neighbours that he's with her on this. Otherwise the neighbours are likely to feel justified in saying OP is being unreasonable, especially if they're abusive misogynists.

Obviously that's the last thing I would want but in that event DP would be able to have him arrested and there would be bail conditions put in place to prevent him doing all of the things he's doing now.

The police aren't interested unless the neighbour actually commits a crime and as I was told because as of right now it's a civil matter of a neighbourly dispute and the harassment is just my word against his.

Of course he should, how can he not, when you’re so unhappy? @Wouldyoube whats the matter with all these women who think you should confront a thug alone? I might confront a woman of a similar size, but a man who’s known to be violent? That would be fucking stupid. I’m sorry though - having awful neighbours is just hell on earth and I really hope his landlord does something to help you.

I disagree with you. If he hits women then he's probably likely to start a physical fight with your DP if he were to go in squaring up to him.

Some people would fight and argue with their own reflection and your neighbour sounds like one of them. I don't believe your DP going in and kicking off would do anything to solve the situation at all.

I’m sorry this is happening to you OP.

My husband is also very placid and hates confrontation (but it’s a good balance in our relationship as I’m a fucking bulldog 🤣) but I can imagine if you’re not getting anywhere with the neighbour, the fact your husband won’t do anything is incredibly upsetting. What if you were out together and something happened to you (perhaps someone tries to steal your bag) would he be assertive and stand up for you then? There is a certain level of trust in a relationship where you and your other half (be them male OR female) should have each others backs and if this doesn’t happen, it makes you question how much they care about you. It’s frustrating when you are so upset by this and he doesn’t want to help you in anyway he can. However, the fact he apologises for his children being children is unforgivable 🤦🏻‍♀️

I would definitely recommend you record the noise when it happens. Also, if it’s really loud, download a decibel detection app and screenshot the results so they coincide with your recordings. You are doing the right thing keeping records but I’d advise you contact the council. If the council fail to do anything satisfactory, email them everyday with your recordings/decibel records/whatever other records you have from the previous night; they’ll have to do something to you stop clogging up their workload. Sometimes being overly persistent is the only way to get results.

I hope your situation gets resolved quickly; your neighbour sound like a proper fucking twat.

Whilst on the subject of police, I even asked DP to tell the neighbour that if he carried on we would be involving the police and he wouldn't even do that.

So, he won't:

Have a reasonable chat with him
Tell him outright to stop and back off
Warn him with the police
Speak to the police
Back me up to speak to the police
Bang on the wall when he's blasting music
Knock on the door when the music wakes the baby
Put absolutely any effort into finding a solution at all.

So in short, his contribution to helping me navigate a situation that is making me feel sick with stress.. is nothing at all.

I totally agree that there is no sense in him going round spoiling for a fight but I've never suggested he do that in the first place.

He will have a go at the kids for making kid noise but won't ask that idiot, not even nicely, to turn his music down or off. I do think that is hugely unreasonable.

I understand that fear, youre set on this option because you think it's the only way to stop this behaviour but there's a good chance your DH going around would simply escalate the behaviour towards you. There's a reason the police and your police mum friend are saying ignore it. These situations are so hard to deal with and there's not necessarily much police can do unless things escalate a lot, because they can tell the neighbour to knock it off but they can't be there to stop him intimidating you all the time.

You could set up a security system, might help with how you're feeling and give you some proof of his behaviour. I know a family who had to move in this situation, they did end up getting cameras but only after the neighbour broke into their house while they were all out. The mum was on mat leave at the time with a baby and toddler and she didn't feel safe enough to stay after that. The police knew the next door neighbour had done it, but they had no proof to secure a conviction.

He’s right, that will go nowhere fast unfortunately. Has your landlord got other properties? Ask them if they have so they know you’re serious that the NDN is driving you out. Try a local letting agent to see if they know who manages the property, I had to do this once for anti social neighbours and the agents were quite helpful.
hope you manage to get rid of these idiots, there’s nothing worse than awful neighbours.

I agree OP that it’s a sign of cowardice in your DP. You have the balls to go and knock on this man’s door and tell him to back off, why doesn’t he?

As much as some posters like to pretend to be all high and mighty, at the end of the day in some (lots of!) situations human behaviour does come down to ‘ug ug caveman’ logic. A misogynistic prick like this neighbour will absolutely respond more to a big burly alpha male telling him off than a woman. The only thing your DP would need to be very careful about would be to not escalate it to actual violence.

Thank you, you raise a good question too about whether or not he would have my back if I was in danger say from a mugging or whatever else. I would hope so but I'm not that sure anymore.

It's almost comical because he took pride in showing me a video of him restraining some bloke and taking him to the floor at work. The guy was stealing things and when caught was threatening the staff. DP runs up, gets between the shop lifter and two female employees and puts him on his arse in 2 seconds flat where he kept him until the police came.

..yet he won't even have a quick chat with the neighbour. Its like day and night. Perhaps if I paid him he might give a shit 🙄

I'm going to have a look for decibel recording apps right now, thank you!

You're not unreasonable at all to want his support on something that's effecting you so much. Wanting him specifically to go round isn't necessarily reasonable because it's an action that might escalate things and because he might not be comfortable with confrontation. Wanting him to support you in some way is reasonable. He should have your back, that might not look exactly how you want it to but he should have your back some how and it sounds like he just doesn't. His behaviour is saying he'd rather you and the kids shut up so he can have a peaceful life and he doesn't care about the impact on you, thats pretty shitty.

I totally agree that there is no sense in him going round spoiling for a fight but I've never suggested he do that in the first place.

The thing is though OP is you have zero control over the neighbours reaction. So your DH could knock and ask him to keep it down, but if the neighbour doesn't play nice what then? If he's as much an arsehole as you describe he's unlikely to apologise and comply with the request. It'll undoubtedly escalate.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, the situation is obviously very stressful and I feel for you. I can see how your DHs apathy could be infuriating but I agree with the pp, men know how quickly these things escalate and know the chances are they'll end up humiliated or hurt unless they're willing to at least match the aggression from the other person.

Could you move?

I can see where many of you are coming from. I may well be looking at it through tunnel vision and have set myself up to believe that if only DP went round and had a word that would be the end of it. I can see that it probably wouldn't be, atleast not long term but I do think he'd be more receptive towards DP than me, if DP came from a reasonable angle, as this man seems to have a serious problem with women. I've known his type before.

I'm not able to move anytime soon no.

Some of these posters are familiar names and should bloody well be ashamed of yourself. Imagine telling a vulnerable woman who is feeling intimidated on a daily basis in her own house , anxious about leaving it if this neighbour is home, that her husband, the father of these children the neighbour is yelling at her about, owes her no support at all.
she has not once advocated violence. Just asked her husband to back her up. I know some of these commenters saying he shouldn’t do that and she shouldn’t ask a man to speak for her are extremely well aware that men and women are perceived differently. That it MAY make a difference having a larger male person talking for her. Not punching the bloke- she’s said many times just talking. Just backing her up. Instead of promising this neighbour they will keep the kids quiet. Then presumably this wet dishrag of a person goes out to work and the op is there with her kids thinking but it’s impossible to keep them quiet. My partner is collaborating with the abusive neighbour that I’m actually totally unreasonable and a failure as a parent because my children play.

I have no hesitation about fighting my own battles op, but I expect my husband and the father of my children to be on my side. I would have no respect for yours either and I’d tell him that.