Would this put you off a partner? Cowardice

[Wouldyoube]

There is a couple next door who has made my life hell lately. Think banging on the walls every time the kids are being anything but silent, constantly having a go at me about my 1 year old crying.. whilst simultaneously being a nightmare to live next door to because he plays loud music through the night, gets pissed and shouts and swears, antisocial behaviour on a weekly basis, throws his cigarette butt's into my garden. He's horrible. I say he, his girlfriend mainly stays out of it and it's always him having a go.

I have a DP who is a similar age to this guy but broader and stronger (so being told to do one by him would hold more weight than little old me saying it) and not once has DP advocated for me and his kids and told this guy to either 1) back off or 2) fuck off. He just tries to appease the guy by apologising for the kids daring to play and tells me to ignore him even though he's making me miserable and I can't ignore him hammering on my walls every day the kids are in.

If the roles were reversed I would absolutely stick up for my partner and the fact he's not doing that for us is really bugging me.

I'm not saying I want him to hit the guy but for god sake, grow a bit of a back bone and tell him in no uncertain terms to stop it.

AIBU to find it off putting? So much for a man protecting his family.

My question was am I being unreasonable to find it off putting that my DP isn't looking out for us.

YANBU.

The problem is you're on AIBU where many posters come to kick people when they're down. Quite a lot of MN love to deny the sex differences between men and women. I find it pathetic.

I'm sorry your partner isn't looking out for you and his kids. Deeply off-putting.

OP..I have no trouble standing up for myself BUT completely understand where you are coming from..

Some of these responses astound me

It is offputting for a DP to indirectly support someone trying to intimidate you. I’m pretty feisty and fight my own battles…but it has quite deeply upset me in the past when a boyfriend has not stood up for me. Even supporting me in private and saying “yes I agree with you”, would have meant something. Sometimes it’s not an isolated failing and it speaks to a deeper issue of a general lack of love, care and loyalty. Tell him exactly how you feel and the impression he gives you by not supporting you, and tell him what you want to see from him going forward.

"Coward" isn't a term I've come across since school. I think it's an outdated notion that we've grown out of once we learn about the complexities of emotions, variations in different people's skill sets, etc. For example, i might admire someone who was particularly brave, but i would never shame someone (calling them a coward) because they weren't.

It sounds like you're in an awful situation with your neighbour and wanting to try everything including things that your partner doesn't want to do. Your frustrations should lie solely with the crappy neighbours. In a good relationship the couple stand together against trouble, problem solving together, not turning against one another by thinking of them as cowards.

The only reasonable one is your DP.
Apologizing to de-escalate an angry asshole at your door is the right move. What do you think shouting "fuck off you fucking fucker" is going to do? He's not going to be realize he wrong. He's much more likely to slam into the house shouting "what did you say to me?!" And escalating from there, in front of your children.
The police said ignore him. Your police friend said ignore him. Your DP its doubt exactly that. And banging on the wall does literally nothing but let him know he's getting to you. Stop doing that. He might get bored and move on to someone else if you stop engaging. He might not, but your DP confronting him will only escalate things.

Your attitude is what would me off if I was male and was your partner so yes you are right just not with what you want to hear

Voting and most comments (the ones from real women, not the ones with a penis) don't agree with you.

7th rule of misogyny: Women should always be grateful to men for everything.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/3236421-so-these-ere-rules-of-misogyny

Put beautifully..

I would find it off putting as he is meant to be the man so I would expect him to step forward. As a woman I would be really stupid to go against a man, especially a man like the one you describe. It is your DH’s job to protect his family; my DH is proud to have that role. I will say that ultimately he is the leader as well.

Of course yanbu, I really doubt most of mn even have neighbours and if they do they definitely don't behave like yours!
My husband is the same as your partner. He isn't some calm god among men, going around de escalating situations on my behalf and saving me from myself.
He is, in reality, shit scared of even minor confrontations. It makes him look insipid to be honest.
I don't know what the solution is as they won't change but it's infuriating.

I’ve just read the first page and I’m sick of those comments too lol 😂 you’re entirely right to expect your partner to stick up for you but not necessarily because of his physique but because no man who loves you should be standing still and quiet while another man is seeking to intimidate you on the regular . Even if I lived with another woman I’d expect her to back me up as it feels like this neighbour is trying to bully you.

YANBU.

This. If your neighbour is so awful I'd look at all options, including moving.

I think some people are missing the point and focusing on possible escalation if OPs partner goes round there. But the situation is beyond that, he is actively making things worse by apologising to this bully neighbour and giving false promises about making sure the kids will be quiet.

DP literally apologises and says he'll do his best to keep the kids quiet. How on earth can he stop kids being kids? Because I swear, there is nothing that they do that is in any way unacceptable or enough to be deemed nuisance noise.

Not only that but his only response is to say just ignore it. He isn’t suggesting getting a camera to record the man, taking a note of interactions in a journal, speaking to authorities etc he wants to do NOTHING! It doesn’t even sound like he is backing her in private.

@Wouldyoube sorry you’ve had some absurd and unhelpful responses. As a woman you’re perfectly entitled to not want to engage in further encounters with this aggressive man and to not want your partner to be agreeing with this bully and actually showing him you’re not a united front. If your partner doesn’t want to confront him directly at the very least he shouldn’t be out there placating him and discouraging you from reporting it. He should be sitting down with you and having a proper discussion as to what to do next instead of just saying “ignore it” and showing empathy for the distress this man has caused you. His current approach is unacceptable and I’d find it hard to be with this kind of man.

Just backing her up. Instead of promising this neighbour they will keep the kids quiet. Then presumably this wet dishrag of a person goes out to work and the op is there with her kids thinking but it’s impossible to keep them quiet. My partner is collaborating with the abusive neighbour that I’m actually totally unreasonable and a failure as a parent because my children play.

This.

I fight my own battles but if a man was being aggressive or dismissive to me in any way, dh would be straight round. When I was pregnant with dc1 our then next door neighbour (male) used to knock about every little sound or tiny issue. At that point it was just dh and I and we were definitely not noisy, unlike them and their two kids (we never complained as kids are kids). He always used to complain when I was home alone and it became really upsetting tbh.

Dh went round (without being asked) and told him quite reasonably, no raised voices, threats or violence, that he was not to come round to speak to me again. If he had an issue he could speak to dh and he would do his best to help. He explained that he would never bother neighbours wife when she was home alone or with the dc and he expected the same courtesy from neighbour. He thanked him for his time and came home. I never heard from him again and funnily enough, neither did dh.

Sometimes bullies need to know that there is someone who won’t tolerate their nonsense. It doesn’t mean violence, just a firm word. How anyone can sit and apologise for their dc playing to the person who is making their lives a misery is a mystery to me.

I will say that ultimately he is the leader as well.

😂 Do you not realise how ridiculous that sounds?

I realise it's not really a laughing situation. It's actually concerning, but it does sound ludicrous.

Some of the answers are plainly ridiculous. We don’t deny the difference between sexes FFS, just saying that having another man confront an antisocial idiot (M or F) could well make matters worse. You can approach in your best reasonable voice and be told to fuck off. What then? Plainly, if this was a man you could reason with then OP would have got through by now.

I'm with you OP. Can't stand cowards. It's very unattractive in a man.

DH aside for a mo, OP, if you are both in rented properties then this is perhape one of those rare situations where possibly that's a good thing!
You need to make this the problem of the landlords. Keep complaining to your landlord and let them find out who the other landlord is. Email them EVERY time you are unsettled by this lout's behaviour and tell them you are going to have to raise it further with the council and police. Your LL is going to want to avoid you making formal complaints becaue it will ultimately affect the value of their house and future renters, if you do move on. Make this DH's job to sort with the LL!

This!

YANBU OP.

I get there's a lot of feisty women on this thread who will happily square up to male thugs and scream fuck off in their face and they're wondering why you too won't do the same. But if you're not that way inclined, you're not that way inclined.

And yes, I would expect your DP to be round there having a word and I'd think lesser of him too if he didn't. If that means I am personally responsible for destroying feminism, so be it.

I honestly don't know the answer. Ignoring is probably the most sensible answer but if your MH is deteriorating, could you look at moving elsewhere? What if you had a word with his wife? Women are often kinder. She might be able to tell him to back off. Escalate to your GP/MP/landlord/ police and make a nuisance of yourself until someone does something.

I truly hate men like this. Nasty piece of work.

Put bluntly, your husband getting involved will absolutely escalate the situation; the difference between you having a go at the neighbour and him doing so is that you're not likely to get punched in the face as a starter, whereas there are two possible outcomes from your husband getting involved: either it ends up physical, or he has to walk away with his tail between his legs after the guy has threatened him.

He already has his tail between his legs, though, and psycho neighbour knows it.

So, a police officer, who has been given the legal power to deal with these things, has advised you not to escalate things, and are not able to help. Yet you want your DP, a (well-built, physically superior) common man, to put himself in danger by confronting an abusive, unstable man, and you are here, asking strangers, if we think your husband is cowardly... !

OP, I used to have an abusive vile neighbour. The abuse reduced when he noticed I had a 6'2" boyfriend staying regularly. It dried up totally when he saw him leave in uniform a few times (police). So I understand what you mean.

But it came back with a vengence after I split with boyfriend.

In the end, the only answer was to move.

Agreed. I am sympathetic of OP's situation but I also think that her DP may be scared of the feral neighbour (hence the peace keeping efforts, especially when a baby is in the house, what if the moron loses control and hurts the baby? Men do have fears like this, irrational as they might sound - what if they other guy pulls a knife or a gun?) and it is sad that OP judges him as a coward, because obviously men are not allowed to be scared of a crazy abusive arse, but they are then they are undeserving of the respect of the women 🙄