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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh going to get takeaway pizza when I already made pasta

392 replies

Chocolatewarerfalls · 13/10/2023 18:08

Made pasta an hour ago for all of us, Dd (5) and I ate ours as we sometimes do before Dh gets home from work, I put a dish out for Dh for when he got home.
Im in the kitchen washing up, feeling full
and hear Dh come in, Dd comes running in saying we’re getting takeaway pizza, I say I’ve made dinner and we’ve already eaten though 🤷🏻‍♀️Dd starts crying and shouting how she wants takeaway pizza and daddy says we’re having it. Dh says he didn’t know I had made any dinner. Dd decides to be cheeky and says we’re getting pizza, Dh agrees with her and she shouts to me that we’re getting pizza.
Aibu to feel completely undermined here?
Its not about the pizza itself…or am I being petty?
Also bearing in mind that we’re trying to save money and I suggested getting a pizza maybe tomorrow night as I’ve made dinner for today and we’ve eaten ours and now feel full?

OP posts:
MollyMarples · 13/10/2023 23:00

Have the pasta for lunch tomorrow and let him have his damn pizza! Life’s too short

Janieforever · 14/10/2023 00:10

Chocolatewarerfalls · 13/10/2023 22:09

@Janieforever I wasn’t saying he has to eat the pasta, he can do what he wants, just thought it may have made more sense to have the takeaway on a day we could all benefit from it (the next night) as I’d already cooked, we’d eaten and we don’t have money sadly to chuck around at the moment. That was all..but then it escalated and became a battle and Dd was rude and showed no respect for me (not her fault)

But op, you ate the pizza. You did benefit from it. And your child wasn’t rude and didn’t disrespect you, she’s only 5. She’s just a little girl who was excited to get pizza and saw you ruining her treat and arguing with her dad over pizza. She’s 5. The thought process goes no deeper. Her brain doesn’t work that way, but you’re so hung up on being disrespected, When it’s just you don’t get your own way,

The only person who undermined you was you when you started eating the pizza. Your argument would stand about being so full or not benefiting if you didn’t eat it. But you did. so buying it tonight or tomorrow made no difference. All three of you ate the pizza. So you all benefited from it. It’s the same price either way.

and if money is so tight you can’t afford pizza, then why are you now saying you want to buy something nice for you to eat when your husband is out tomorrow, when you had dinner, then you ate the pizza.

If money is that tight, then sit down and talk, look for other solutions, for example possibly returning to work full time now she’s in school, because buying it and eating it on a sat v a Friday won’t save anything. Buying even more for yourself tomorrow will cost more.

i don’t know what else is going on in your marriage to make you behave like this, I’m guessing it’s very bad and one of you will call the end soon, but i do know this was a pointless and petty argument that in this instance you caused.

Autumnleaves89 · 14/10/2023 00:21

@Janieforever no, her child was VERY rude and disrespectful. At five she should know better. However she doesn’t know better, because her dad allows and rewards her for being rude to her mum.

Janieforever · 14/10/2023 08:12

Autumnleaves89 · 14/10/2023 00:21

@Janieforever no, her child was VERY rude and disrespectful. At five she should know better. However she doesn’t know better, because her dad allows and rewards her for being rude to her mum.

Then we need to agree to disagree. There was no need for any of this. The op was being controlling and he wouldn’t do as he was told so she is now complaining she was undermined and disrespected.

She wasn’t, if anything he was being, and all that happened is a little girl got caught up in it. Saying her father was rewarding her for being rude to her mother is awful. That’s clearly not what the dynamic was and even the op doesn’t think that.

you do the op no favours in trying to validate her by saying her and her child were wrong. Her marriage is dying by a thousand cuts and she needs to learn to recognise when it was her and when it’s him. In this instance, there was no need for this and it was her. I’m sure there is a huge back story of it being him but this wasn’t that time.

Bertiesmum3 · 14/10/2023 08:14

Chocolatewarerfalls · 13/10/2023 21:14

@Janieforever Yes all sorts of things are awful in marriages, happy you have a good one where you obviously feel respected and loved. You do realise not everything is the same for everyone else though

If you’re not feeling respected and loved, then you need to leave, why stay if you’re unhappy??

LuditeLil · 14/10/2023 08:25

Do you live in a mansion and were you in the west wing? No, thought not, in which case why didn't he come and say hi to you after saying hi to dd and then ask if you'd eaten? If he wanted pizza regardless he could have still checked in with YOU

"Hey, I really fancy pizza, do you want any?"
'No, we've eaten but you go ahead and order for yourself, I'm putting dd to bed in half an hour, just stick the leftover pasta in the fridge for lunch tomorrow'

Surely he must know that you and dd eat early on a regular basis?
His announcement to dd suggests he knows this but wanted pizza so made it impossible for you to 'refuse'

Moving forward, ask him to check in with you first BEFORE dd, he doesn't need permission to get pizza obviously but when you have small children it's best to think about things first before creating a situation

Janieforever · 14/10/2023 08:36

LuditeLil · 14/10/2023 08:25

Do you live in a mansion and were you in the west wing? No, thought not, in which case why didn't he come and say hi to you after saying hi to dd and then ask if you'd eaten? If he wanted pizza regardless he could have still checked in with YOU

"Hey, I really fancy pizza, do you want any?"
'No, we've eaten but you go ahead and order for yourself, I'm putting dd to bed in half an hour, just stick the leftover pasta in the fridge for lunch tomorrow'

Surely he must know that you and dd eat early on a regular basis?
His announcement to dd suggests he knows this but wanted pizza so made it impossible for you to 'refuse'

Moving forward, ask him to check in with you first BEFORE dd, he doesn't need permission to get pizza obviously but when you have small children it's best to think about things first before creating a situation

That’s so contradictory. He doesn’t need permission but made it impossible for her to refuse? It can’t be both, by default if she’s refusing then it’s her role to give permission on what he’s allowed to eat or give their child.

and he’s an equal parent, he’s allowed to give his child a slice of pizza on a Friday night as an occasional treat if he fancies it and putting the child to bed so they can eat it without her isn’t great.

as said, I’m sure the op has a huge back story here, and clearly it’s much bigger than a slice of pizza. But telling her this situation was his fault doesn’t help her if she wishes to salvage her marriage, as no one can live like they are for a long period, and she needs to recognise when it’s her and when it’s him and it’s not right that little girl is getting caught up in this.

QuizzlyBears · 14/10/2023 08:46

Not really the point, but what kind of pasta are you making that won’t keep for a couple of days to be reheated? Pasta is usually great for that.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 14/10/2023 09:32

QuizzlyBears · 14/10/2023 08:46

Not really the point, but what kind of pasta are you making that won’t keep for a couple of days to be reheated? Pasta is usually great for that.

I was wondering the same

XiCi · 14/10/2023 10:57

Oh come on! Reheated pasta is really unpleasant

Janieforever · 14/10/2023 11:09

XiCi · 14/10/2023 10:57

Oh come on! Reheated pasta is really unpleasant

Yours might be, but generally reheated pasta is absolutely fine.

margotrose · 14/10/2023 11:12

XiCi · 14/10/2023 10:57

Oh come on! Reheated pasta is really unpleasant

It's really not - providing you do it properly, it's absolutely fine and barely tastes any different to fresh.

CornishGem1975 · 14/10/2023 11:13

I'm in the reheated pasta is vile camp. Even my 2 year old refuses it.

Anyway, it's still not the point, a grown man can choose whatever he wants to eat and when he wants to eat it.

Nanny0gg · 14/10/2023 11:39

SecondUsername4me · 13/10/2023 18:13

I don't know what he has done wrong here.

It's pretty clear in the OP.

Or do you like wasting your time cooking for nothing?

Janieforever · 14/10/2023 11:45

Nanny0gg · 14/10/2023 11:39

It's pretty clear in the OP.

Or do you like wasting your time cooking for nothing?

Show quote history

It’s not for nothing. Her and her child ate it. It’s a plate of pasta. Not a ribeye steak with lobster on the side. She didn’t cook just for him, and yes, It can be reheated very easily.

Nanny0gg · 14/10/2023 11:45

bellac11 · 13/10/2023 19:28

I agree with this, I find it incredible that the husband is apparently the underminer when he came home, wanted to order his tea, she says no!

Children will always want a bit of the grown ups takeaway thats normal and later when things are calm clearly there needs to be a discussion about rudeness from the daughter, but he hasnt undermined anything

And as for the post above about him needing to phone ahead and check!! Hes not a child!!

Show quote history

The OP is the Cook

He knows this and knows that food will have been prepared as his DD usually eats before he gets in

The onus was on HIM to either mention before work that he'd pick up a pizza or check on his way home that dinner wasn't already underway

AND he is the one wanting to save money.

AND he rewarded a rude child by giving her the pizza (although that was his fault too)

He would be sorting his own food from now on if he was my H

Nanny0gg · 14/10/2023 11:47

CornishGem1975 · 14/10/2023 11:13

I'm in the reheated pasta is vile camp. Even my 2 year old refuses it.

Anyway, it's still not the point, a grown man can choose whatever he wants to eat and when he wants to eat it.

And if the OP has any sense that can be every night

If the norm in the household is that the OP is the cook she needs to be checked with to see what she's already done

Or, he can choose and sort it out for himself. Permenantly

Nanny0gg · 14/10/2023 11:51

Inkpotlover · 13/10/2023 20:07

So a grown man isn't allowed any agency over what he wants to eat? He's never allowed to want something different and has to force down food he doesn't fancy just because his wife made it for him? Crazy.

Show quote history

Well clearly most nights he's happy to have his dinner put in front of him

Changing his mind at the last minute when she's already cooked is just plain rude.

Janieforever · 14/10/2023 12:45

Nanny0gg · 14/10/2023 11:51

Well clearly most nights he's happy to have his dinner put in front of him

Changing his mind at the last minute when she's already cooked is just plain rude.

Show quote history

So as the system works most of the time in your view he is not permitted any agency in what he eats? And can’t decline and chose something else. Have tje one plate of left over pasta another time?

what an awful way to treat folks you live with, if my husband was so controlling I’d end it. 100 percent.

CarpetLady · 14/10/2023 12:57

Changing his mind at the last minute when she's already cooked is just plain rude.

I'd agree with this if she'd cooked a meal for them to have together, but she basically cooked for herself and DD and then wanted him to eat the leftovers. I'd be really unimpressed if my partner did this and then kicked off because I wanted something else.

CornishGem1975 · 14/10/2023 13:02

Or do you like wasting your time cooking for nothing?

Oh give over. She cooked and are writing her child. He was basically eating the leftovers. No big deal. It's not like she was waiting for them to all sit down for dinner.

billy1966 · 14/10/2023 13:17

OP, I can absolutely understand your annoyance.

No 5 year old speaking to me rudely would be eating pizza.

As for reheated pasta?

I have eaten reheated pasta my whole life as have my children and husband without complaint.

The trick is to sprinkle hot kettle water on it and it tastes absolutely fine.

We don't do waste here if we can avoid it and I certainly wouldn't be throwing out that meal.

Bottom line is if your husband continues to undermine you, your child will turn into a brat that you will not like.

I think you need to look hard at why he feels the need to undermine you.

Look at returning to work full-time and start being really firm with your daughter.

A lack of consequences will only make her ruder.

I certainly wouldn't be cooking again until the pasta is finished.

You need to be a lot less nice to them both.

Janieforever · 14/10/2023 13:21

Agree ir was the left overs. She’d already had dinner with her kid and left a plate on the side for him,so he’d have to have reheated it and eaten alone. Plus he states that he didn’t know she’d made dinner,so clearly wasn’t expecting it or for them to have eaten.

for me the issue is when her child said to her they were going for pizza, the op says “I went nuts at her” . And that’s not ok. At all.

i hope the op has woken up today and apologised to them both and also specifically explained to her daughter why mums behaviour, the going nuts, was not acceptable

CarpetLady · 14/10/2023 13:24

You need to be a lot less nice to them both.

Struggling to see how this is technically possible 😭

Blough · 14/10/2023 13:46

‘You need to be a lot less nice to them both’
She’s already ‘went nuts’ at her 5yr old 🥴

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