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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for pulling out of a mutual exchange and refusing to move?

231 replies

aibu200101 · 13/10/2023 13:06

Around seven years ago my mum, who was a single parent to three children physical health started declining and became really poorly; at this point there was not a day where she wasn't ill. Due to her being a single parent and her income status she was a social housing tenant but she refused to be ashamed of it whereas most people she knew are also social housing tenant were. She became ill and I stepped up to the plate and gave up a lot of things to care for my mother who sadly passed away in her sleep two years ago.

I informed everyone of her death including her HA and they informed me about successions rights and to apply which I was successful in doing so. A year and a bit after her death my family asked me if I'm interested in downsizing as I don't "really need this house" and I wasn't interested but I felt pressured to join mutual exchange sites as my siblings said they would join some sites on my behalf and felt like I couldn't say no as well.

Which brings us up to what has happened recently.

A few months ago I finally found a three-way mutual exchange which involved a one-bedroom flat which I would be moving into who needed a two bedroom flat, then a two-bedroom flat who would be moving into my house. There was a couple with a son and daughter who said they were desperate to get to my area whereas the one-bedroom flat was half an hour away from me. At first I was okay with this and started the application process but issues started with the couple from the two-bedroom house.

Issues:

The couple kept coming around uninvited on many occasions where I've either been out or been at home but although I'm at home I've still been busy and they've tried to barge their way into my home but I've been firm and remained at the front door. I've spoken to them many times letting them know it's not okay and it's still my property.

There has also been times when they've jumped over my fence to take measurements without even knocking and I've had to keep the door to the garden locked and the windows shut as I've seen them on a few occasions where I've seen them trying to enter through the garden door.

There's many more issues I can mention but I don't want to go into details. The thing is I've had a word with them many times and I've told them what they're doing is not okay and I don't feel comfortable as I'm a young woman in my early 20s and it can be frightening. I finally decided to pull out of the mutual exchange due to me being uncomfortable and I'll be honest frightened too.

My family already knew I was part of a mutual exchange and I made it clear to them I'm staying put and won't be moving. The thing is I read that it can take between ten and twenty years to downsize/upsize and I do want a family of my own so I know I'm being an asshole now as I currently have two empty bedrooms but I'm paying the whole rent by myself without benefits, my house is fully decorated and I keep up with the tidying and I pay all my bills on time. However, like I said I want a family of my own and seeing the fact it's ten to twenty years waiting time helped with my decision to stay.

So, AIBU for refusing to move and pulling out of a mutual exchange?

OP posts:
gotthearse · 16/10/2023 08:53

RosesAndGin · 13/10/2023 13:38

YABU, there are potentially many families that have already been waiting for 10+ years for a house like yours and you are part of the reason the waiting list is so long!
This is why people get frustrated with social housing tenants, of course you are not doing anything legally wrong but morally is a different story.

Outrageous. If she had inherited no one would be on her case to downsize. Why is there one set of rules for people that own, and another for those who rent.

The reason for the shortage of social housing is NOT "people like the OP" it's because all the decent stuff has been sold off and successive governments have failed to replace it.

OP, sit tight. It's none of your families business where you live. When you are ready pick the perfect exchange for you. Consider a two bed, you may want friends to stay, or to have a child of your own at some point, and I'd strongly advise swapping to a 2 bed house not a flat if possible. You are allowed to protect your own interests. Your family need to back off and stop being so jealous and judgemental.

gotthearse · 16/10/2023 08:56

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 13/10/2023 14:14

morally, someone shouldn't be occupying 2 bedrooms that they don't need.

Legally it appears you are entitled to do so.

Social housing has been good for your family - you and your mum, it was there when she really needed it. Maybe it's time to allow another family desperate for housing have somewhere decent to live if you don't need the space.

Social housing is for people in 'need', not for people who 'want'.

However, as far as the CF are concerned, no doubt they are desperate but their behaviour is just rude and it makes it difficult to want to help them.

Tricky.

Would you say that a homeowner in a three bed is immoral too? Have you got an immoral spare room?

BlueSky2023 · 16/10/2023 09:39

@Motherofwildlings

Your place on the list to be allocated is determined by your circumstances

Exactly, so yes anyone can apply but a lot of people wouldn’t have a hope of getting one as they would be so far down the list, therefore it is given to people of need who are on lower income and they are getting a benefit equal to the amount they would be paying if they were renting privately.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 16/10/2023 10:03

gotthearse · 16/10/2023 08:56

Would you say that a homeowner in a three bed is immoral too? Have you got an immoral spare room?

Show quote history

The discussion is about social housing not private housing.

Social housing is affordable housing provided by 3rd parties for people who have housing needs and no financial means of achieving those needs.

Social housing is in very short supply. What would you propose to do to solve the housing problem?

x2boys · 16/10/2023 10:10

BlueSky2023 · 15/10/2023 20:47

If you met and married someone who wasn’t on benefits and was earning a relatively decent income would the two of you be entitled to live in the property or would you be means tested

This may blow your mind but many social. Housing tenants do actually pay their own rent .

x2boys · 16/10/2023 10:13

BlueSky2023 · 15/10/2023 22:35

@gamerchick

I would say social housing is definitely a type of benefit, not everyone is entitled to it, there is no way I would be and also the rent being paid is only a fraction of what she would be paying if she was renting separately,

How do.you know that?
We don't all.live in London in some places socisl.rent is similar to.private rent .

ImADevYo · 16/10/2023 10:57

Fogwisp · 13/10/2023 20:32

I think you're going off-topic quite a bit. We were talking specifically about people living in their social/council housing family homes when their parents die and I was referring to the practice of making the bereaved leave shortly after their parents' deaths (which is not the case in OP's situation, but often is in newer tenancies).

Show quote history

Then the time should be extended but they still can't be there forever. As they can't in private properties.

gloriawasright · 16/10/2023 11:47

Same arguments now as when this scenario was first posted about.
There is no financial or moral obligation for the poster to give up her house.
For those who think she could/should downsize to a two bedroomed place,this might not be allowed by the LA as the op would still have 1 bedroom more than she required .in the same way that her three bedroomed home might be deemed to big for a couple with two young children.
It's not just as easy as going onto the MEX register. There are still rules involved .
OP stay where you are ,you owe nothing to anyone. You keep paying your rent and tell your family to butt out of your business

gamerchick · 16/10/2023 11:56

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 16/10/2023 10:03

The discussion is about social housing not private housing.

Social housing is affordable housing provided by 3rd parties for people who have housing needs and no financial means of achieving those needs.

Social housing is in very short supply. What would you propose to do to solve the housing problem?

Show quote history

Maybe just maybe shine a spotlight on the private rental market. Rent controls, limits on portfolios, no more buy to lets, and get landlords under strict conditions so the greedy fuckers can't duck out of their responsibilities. Private rentals are a step down from SH and people can't stand that.

Crack down on empty properties that are just sitting around and take ownership and given to local authorities. Whether they're owned by the rich from other countries or just abandoned.

Just because private rents are shit, doesn't mean SH needs to he brought down to those levels.

BlueSky2023 · 16/10/2023 12:04

@x2boys

This may blow your mind but many social. Housing tenants do actually pay their own rent.

Read what I wrote before commenting, I am fully aware that housing tenants pay rent, but it is substantially less rent than they would be paying if they were renting privately, therefore they are receiving benefits that are not available to everyone because of their circumstances, I’m not begrudging the less fortunate but it is a fact.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 16/10/2023 12:17

gamerchick · 16/10/2023 11:56

Maybe just maybe shine a spotlight on the private rental market. Rent controls, limits on portfolios, no more buy to lets, and get landlords under strict conditions so the greedy fuckers can't duck out of their responsibilities. Private rentals are a step down from SH and people can't stand that.

Crack down on empty properties that are just sitting around and take ownership and given to local authorities. Whether they're owned by the rich from other countries or just abandoned.

Just because private rents are shit, doesn't mean SH needs to he brought down to those levels.

Show quote history

Sure, I agree properties left empty to rot is a problem as are rogue landlords, but it's a totally different issue and doesn't address the OPs situation on this thread.

gamerchick · 16/10/2023 12:25

BlueSky2023 · 16/10/2023 12:04

@x2boys

This may blow your mind but many social. Housing tenants do actually pay their own rent.

Read what I wrote before commenting, I am fully aware that housing tenants pay rent, but it is substantially less rent than they would be paying if they were renting privately, therefore they are receiving benefits that are not available to everyone because of their circumstances, I’m not begrudging the less fortunate but it is a fact.

No, they're just not stumping up profits, SH rents are fair rents. Why are private rents the benchmark?

You can't tie yourself up in knots and make out it's a bastard benefit no matter what you say Hmm

gamerchick · 16/10/2023 12:28

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 16/10/2023 12:17

Sure, I agree properties left empty to rot is a problem as are rogue landlords, but it's a totally different issue and doesn't address the OPs situation on this thread.

Show quote history

The OPs issue has been addressed and she's unlikely to be back. The thread evolved, as they do and as usual it's full of ignorant people who have an opinion on what people should do with their homes. It's fuck all to do with anyone else if someone stays in their house or not. You don't see it in any other housing situation.

gotthearse · 16/10/2023 12:37

BlueSky2023 · 16/10/2023 12:04

@x2boys

This may blow your mind but many social. Housing tenants do actually pay their own rent.

Read what I wrote before commenting, I am fully aware that housing tenants pay rent, but it is substantially less rent than they would be paying if they were renting privately, therefore they are receiving benefits that are not available to everyone because of their circumstances, I’m not begrudging the less fortunate but it is a fact.

They aren't receiving a benefit. They are paying a reasonable rent to a landlord that does not make excessive profits.

gotthearse · 16/10/2023 12:40

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 16/10/2023 10:03

The discussion is about social housing not private housing.

Social housing is affordable housing provided by 3rd parties for people who have housing needs and no financial means of achieving those needs.

Social housing is in very short supply. What would you propose to do to solve the housing problem?

Show quote history

Build loads of houses of all tenures, there is an absolutely chronic shortage in some parts of the country, as we should have been doing for the last 40 years.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 16/10/2023 12:55

gotthearse · 16/10/2023 12:40

Build loads of houses of all tenures, there is an absolutely chronic shortage in some parts of the country, as we should have been doing for the last 40 years.

Show quote history

I agree with this.

Now all you have to do is elect a government that will follow it through.

Theunamedcat · 16/10/2023 17:15

Tessabelle74 · 15/10/2023 14:00

You shouldn't be in a 3 bed just because your kids don't get on. No one died from sharing with a sibling. I think it's beyond ridiculous that families are living in hotel rooms because homes are blocked by people that don't need them. That includes people like the OP living comfortably in a cheap 3 bed "just in case she has children" get out and privately rent one!

Show quote history

My children are autistic they don't just "not get along" and I will be entitled to a three bed again in just over 12 months plus I'm currently on benefits if I go into a private rented two bed the taxpayers will be paying 700 pcm currently they are paying 378 pcm technically if I want to I can challenge it they will pay it all because ds2 is on hrc of dla and I'm ENTITLED to the third bedroom for him you have zero clue and zero idea

Theunamedcat · 16/10/2023 17:16

gotthearse · 16/10/2023 12:40

Build loads of houses of all tenures, there is an absolutely chronic shortage in some parts of the country, as we should have been doing for the last 40 years.

Show quote history

My area is building LOADS of houses on farmland none of it is social housing

Tessabelle74 · 16/10/2023 18:03

Theunamedcat · 16/10/2023 17:15

My children are autistic they don't just "not get along" and I will be entitled to a three bed again in just over 12 months plus I'm currently on benefits if I go into a private rented two bed the taxpayers will be paying 700 pcm currently they are paying 378 pcm technically if I want to I can challenge it they will pay it all because ds2 is on hrc of dla and I'm ENTITLED to the third bedroom for him you have zero clue and zero idea

Show quote history

Of course they are 🙄 that word entitled is over used!

WrongSwanson · 16/10/2023 19:10

Yanbu. It's your home. Ignore all the pressures and look after yourself

WrongSwanson · 16/10/2023 19:12

gotthearse · 16/10/2023 12:37

They aren't receiving a benefit. They are paying a reasonable rent to a landlord that does not make excessive profits.

Show quote history

Exactly this.

I work in the sector - If op is paying the rent then they are paying enough to fully cover the cost of their property and probably subsidise others who default on rent etc in the HA.

The fact there are private sector landlords who are greedy fuckers is neither here nor there.

WrongSwanson · 16/10/2023 19:14

BlueSky2023 · 16/10/2023 12:04

@x2boys

This may blow your mind but many social. Housing tenants do actually pay their own rent.

Read what I wrote before commenting, I am fully aware that housing tenants pay rent, but it is substantially less rent than they would be paying if they were renting privately, therefore they are receiving benefits that are not available to everyone because of their circumstances, I’m not begrudging the less fortunate but it is a fact.

Get angry with be people trying to get rich by being landlords, not at people living in social housing

Theunamedcat · 16/10/2023 19:20

Tessabelle74 · 16/10/2023 18:03

Of course they are 🙄 that word entitled is over used!

Show quote history

I'm not giving up reasonably priced secure housing to make you feel better

BlueSky2023 · 16/10/2023 19:42

@WrongSwanson

I’m not angry at all,
just replying to several people claiming that having social housing accommodation is not getting a benefit when it actually is.

They are living in accommodation which they could never afford to live in without the council assisting them to get it.

The OP is a good example, living in a 3 bed house on her own and probably paying pittance rent, she is abusing the system.
But then again the council should have regulations in place so this sort of thing Dosen’t happen.

gotthearse · 16/10/2023 20:05

Theunamedcat · 16/10/2023 17:16

My area is building LOADS of houses on farmland none of it is social housing

Show quote history

Any development over about 10-20 homes will have some form of affordable housing, it's a planning requirement. If you look on line at the planning application you should be able to find the section 106 agreement that will set out the affordable housing requirement for the site. Sites under ten homes don't have to provide any affordable homes.