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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for pulling out of a mutual exchange and refusing to move?

231 replies

aibu200101 · 13/10/2023 13:06

Around seven years ago my mum, who was a single parent to three children physical health started declining and became really poorly; at this point there was not a day where she wasn't ill. Due to her being a single parent and her income status she was a social housing tenant but she refused to be ashamed of it whereas most people she knew are also social housing tenant were. She became ill and I stepped up to the plate and gave up a lot of things to care for my mother who sadly passed away in her sleep two years ago.

I informed everyone of her death including her HA and they informed me about successions rights and to apply which I was successful in doing so. A year and a bit after her death my family asked me if I'm interested in downsizing as I don't "really need this house" and I wasn't interested but I felt pressured to join mutual exchange sites as my siblings said they would join some sites on my behalf and felt like I couldn't say no as well.

Which brings us up to what has happened recently.

A few months ago I finally found a three-way mutual exchange which involved a one-bedroom flat which I would be moving into who needed a two bedroom flat, then a two-bedroom flat who would be moving into my house. There was a couple with a son and daughter who said they were desperate to get to my area whereas the one-bedroom flat was half an hour away from me. At first I was okay with this and started the application process but issues started with the couple from the two-bedroom house.

Issues:

The couple kept coming around uninvited on many occasions where I've either been out or been at home but although I'm at home I've still been busy and they've tried to barge their way into my home but I've been firm and remained at the front door. I've spoken to them many times letting them know it's not okay and it's still my property.

There has also been times when they've jumped over my fence to take measurements without even knocking and I've had to keep the door to the garden locked and the windows shut as I've seen them on a few occasions where I've seen them trying to enter through the garden door.

There's many more issues I can mention but I don't want to go into details. The thing is I've had a word with them many times and I've told them what they're doing is not okay and I don't feel comfortable as I'm a young woman in my early 20s and it can be frightening. I finally decided to pull out of the mutual exchange due to me being uncomfortable and I'll be honest frightened too.

My family already knew I was part of a mutual exchange and I made it clear to them I'm staying put and won't be moving. The thing is I read that it can take between ten and twenty years to downsize/upsize and I do want a family of my own so I know I'm being an asshole now as I currently have two empty bedrooms but I'm paying the whole rent by myself without benefits, my house is fully decorated and I keep up with the tidying and I pay all my bills on time. However, like I said I want a family of my own and seeing the fact it's ten to twenty years waiting time helped with my decision to stay.

So, AIBU for refusing to move and pulling out of a mutual exchange?

OP posts:
ThereIbledit · 15/10/2023 13:14

aibu200101 · 13/10/2023 13:37

My family said they wanted me to consider moving as I live in a three-bedroom house with two spare rooms by myself and although I legally am entitled to live here I morally should downsize and let a family move here.

Show quote history

I agree with them. It also sounds like you don't need to be in council housing at all.

It sounds like you have been obstructive to the two bedroom people. How hard have you tried to arrange a time that they can come over that is mutually agreeable?

They are BU but I suspect that you have BU to them, too. YABU for taking your mum's place when you don't need it. YABU for keeping it when you don't need it. Legally you're within your rights. Morally you are not.

CharlieBoo · 15/10/2023 13:17

Stay in your home! Forget those that say it’s morally wrong, families that need your home, disabled people need your home, blah blah blah, NOT your problem. The housing situation in this country is shit, but you leaving your home to make way for a family is not going to solve that.

If you downsized and a few years time needed a bigger home, there wouldn’t be one for you.

Orchidflower1 · 15/10/2023 13:18

RosesAndGin · 13/10/2023 13:38

YABU, there are potentially many families that have already been waiting for 10+ years for a house like yours and you are part of the reason the waiting list is so long!
This is why people get frustrated with social housing tenants, of course you are not doing anything legally wrong but morally is a different story.

This

I do concede that unfortunately the family in the swop have really taken liberties- it’s not there home yet.

I would try again - even look for a two bed if you do feel you need to future proof. That maybe a compromise. However, you do not need a three bedroom HA house.

topnoddy · 15/10/2023 13:18

I'm lost !

You are part of a mutual exchange but have no intention of moving ?

YireosDodeAver · 15/10/2023 13:22

Yanbu op

If you were over 50 and slowing down then downsizing would be right, but if you've still got hopes of a family of your own you really need to stay put. You will never be able to upsize again after downsizing.

The system is utterly broken but it is not your job to fix it. You won't help to fix it with this enormous act of self-sacrifice for the benefit of a stranger. Do what is right for you, which is staying put.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 15/10/2023 13:30

aibu200101 · 13/10/2023 13:37

My family said they wanted me to consider moving as I live in a three-bedroom house with two spare rooms by myself and although I legally am entitled to live here I morally should downsize and let a family move here.

Show quote history

Be that as it may... Should you have to move into a one bedroom thirty minutes away?

And deal with these cheecky fuckers?

No, you obviously don´t. Stay put and tell your family to stay out of it.

You sound like a very kind person. Do you often let your family pressure you in this manner?

1989whome · 15/10/2023 13:34

Stay put! Dont let your family or anyone else guilt trip you in to anything. It's your life and your home, enjoy it. And for the people saying you shouldn't have more than one bedroom 🙄 not your problem. You live there legally and pay rent, if anyone's got an issue surely they should take it up with HA. Please don't let them disturb your peace!

1989whome · 15/10/2023 13:39

Well luckily we don't pay out bills with morals 🙄. Who are you to say she's not entitled to move in to her mums house? Obviously she is because the allowed her to do so.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 15/10/2023 13:41

Stay in your home. They system is broken and not your problem.

Tell your family to mind their own business. Suspect they're just jealous.

SoShallINever · 15/10/2023 13:45

Maybe "succession" rights needs to be looked at to see if it is still a feasible option in today's housing system?
I've seen it abused a lot.
Adult children moving in with elderly relatives "to care for them" but in reality it is to take on the tenancy. In the meantime, there are whole families living in completely unsuitable accom.

MarySmit · 15/10/2023 13:51

Is there any benefit to you in downsizing?

zxcvbnm23 · 15/10/2023 13:53

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I think if you gave up the house you're in, you'd come to regret it (like you say, when you have children someday). Please enjoy your home, you take care of it and you deserve it! Don't ever feel pressured by others to exchange.

You've done the right thing by staying put IMO.

travellingwithatoddler · 15/10/2023 13:55

Absolutely don't move!! It would be a nightmare trying to upsize when you want to start a family. Stay put 100%.

zxcvbnm23 · 15/10/2023 13:55

I want to second that it's a great idea to look for a lodger while you don't use the other 2 bedrooms yourself, it can help you pay the bills and gives someone else a roof over their head, too. But again, that's up to you.

Tessabelle74 · 15/10/2023 14:00

Theunamedcat · 15/10/2023 12:56

But then you end up with a situation like mine I live in a three bed my daughter left I still have two sons but now I'm not entitled to a three bed until ds turns 16 in just over 12 months time because I get dla I pay the extra for the room because ds1 & 2 CANNOT share a room they are so opposite ita ridiculous by your standards I should be moved down to a two bed then what? Sit on a waiting list for years?

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You shouldn't be in a 3 bed just because your kids don't get on. No one died from sharing with a sibling. I think it's beyond ridiculous that families are living in hotel rooms because homes are blocked by people that don't need them. That includes people like the OP living comfortably in a cheap 3 bed "just in case she has children" get out and privately rent one!

wannabetraveler · 15/10/2023 14:01

CanvaQueen · 13/10/2023 13:51

They’re funded by the government; Homes England if in England. There’s also a significant cost to the government to house homeless families in temporary accommodation.

None of this is OP’s fault or problem which is why as an individual, she has the right to take as much from the state as she can. But on a policy level, it’s completely backwards to house citizens according to succession rights rather than need.

Show quote history

I completely agree. With the housing shortage as dire as it is, it's absolute madness for social housing organizations to be housing individuals in three-bedrooms homes while families are in bedsits. Priority should be needs-based and rules of succession should no longer be applied.

1month · 15/10/2023 14:07

YABU

If you don’t want to move then come off of the exchange sites.

It took me 7 years to exchange because of complete time wasters who said they wanted to exchange and then would pull out the last minute (often costing me a lot of money and heartbreak).

ObsidianGrape · 15/10/2023 14:09

I'd keep that 3 bed if I were you. You might not need the space now, but as you say, one day you might have a family and you will look back and kick yourself for giving up the house.

Are you in a position to buy it with the right to buy scheme? I'd actually look at buying it if possible. Then maybe renting out a room so it doesn't feel like it's empty and to help pay the mortgage

HelloItsMeHowAreYou · 15/10/2023 14:11

I agree with your family.

Move to a 2 bed if you are that worried about having children in the future. The rent will be less and help you to save so you never know you may be able to put a deposit down on your own place. And it will give others the chance for a decent home.

Taking a house you dont need is unutterably selfish imo.

Countryliving0180 · 15/10/2023 14:17

Don't do it. It can take you years to upside if you even ever get too and going from a flat to a house is very hard.

Sophie89j · 15/10/2023 14:22

Social housing is for everyone, not just people on benefits, we’re in a housing crisis where people cannot afford the private rental prices. Tell your family to get their own lives and leave yours alone. Why would you want to leave the home you had so many memories with your mother in when you can make good memories with your children when you wish to have them. If you can afford the whole rent and the bedroom tax doesn’t impact you, stay put and make it your forever home unless you happen to come into fortunes then obviously give it back to the HA 😂
You’re not being even slightly unreasonable, that couple sound like a bunch of knobs!

justasking111 · 15/10/2023 14:28

@aibu200101 was on here a couple of months ago, she was advised then. She's doing a degree which is stressful and was advised to sit tight until her degree was done and her career fully fledged. Not sure why she's still concerned

Oliotya · 15/10/2023 14:46

justasking111 · 15/10/2023 14:28

@aibu200101 was on here a couple of months ago, she was advised then. She's doing a degree which is stressful and was advised to sit tight until her degree was done and her career fully fledged. Not sure why she's still concerned

Edited

That poster succeeded her father's tenancy. Either not the same person or OP is not genuine

VeganStar · 15/10/2023 14:47

OP stay put. You’ve got succession rights. If it had been a problem they would have done their best to have you moved to a smaller place at that point. They didn’t so you are where you are.

Who knows you may meet someone and start a family within the next few years or even sooner.

Tell your family to mind their own business. Would they move out if they were in the same situation?
Probably not.

Don’t take any notice of the people on this thread that are giving you grief

Enjoy your home… for years to come.

IveHadItUpToHere · 15/10/2023 14:47

YANBU to pull out of the exchange with those people but YABU to keep a house that is too large for you because you think you'll want a family one day. Social housing is supposed to be according to need. You don't need it. And even if you have DCs, your DP might not want to live there anyway so you'll have stopped a house being used to its full potential for years for nothing.
I grew up in social housing. My DF's house was HA. When he died, my DB was living in the house. But we all knew our parents wouldn't have wanted any of us to stay in a house that was bigger than we needed. The principle of social housing is just as important as the rules.

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