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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for pulling out of a mutual exchange and refusing to move?

231 replies

aibu200101 · 13/10/2023 13:06

Around seven years ago my mum, who was a single parent to three children physical health started declining and became really poorly; at this point there was not a day where she wasn't ill. Due to her being a single parent and her income status she was a social housing tenant but she refused to be ashamed of it whereas most people she knew are also social housing tenant were. She became ill and I stepped up to the plate and gave up a lot of things to care for my mother who sadly passed away in her sleep two years ago.

I informed everyone of her death including her HA and they informed me about successions rights and to apply which I was successful in doing so. A year and a bit after her death my family asked me if I'm interested in downsizing as I don't "really need this house" and I wasn't interested but I felt pressured to join mutual exchange sites as my siblings said they would join some sites on my behalf and felt like I couldn't say no as well.

Which brings us up to what has happened recently.

A few months ago I finally found a three-way mutual exchange which involved a one-bedroom flat which I would be moving into who needed a two bedroom flat, then a two-bedroom flat who would be moving into my house. There was a couple with a son and daughter who said they were desperate to get to my area whereas the one-bedroom flat was half an hour away from me. At first I was okay with this and started the application process but issues started with the couple from the two-bedroom house.

Issues:

The couple kept coming around uninvited on many occasions where I've either been out or been at home but although I'm at home I've still been busy and they've tried to barge their way into my home but I've been firm and remained at the front door. I've spoken to them many times letting them know it's not okay and it's still my property.

There has also been times when they've jumped over my fence to take measurements without even knocking and I've had to keep the door to the garden locked and the windows shut as I've seen them on a few occasions where I've seen them trying to enter through the garden door.

There's many more issues I can mention but I don't want to go into details. The thing is I've had a word with them many times and I've told them what they're doing is not okay and I don't feel comfortable as I'm a young woman in my early 20s and it can be frightening. I finally decided to pull out of the mutual exchange due to me being uncomfortable and I'll be honest frightened too.

My family already knew I was part of a mutual exchange and I made it clear to them I'm staying put and won't be moving. The thing is I read that it can take between ten and twenty years to downsize/upsize and I do want a family of my own so I know I'm being an asshole now as I currently have two empty bedrooms but I'm paying the whole rent by myself without benefits, my house is fully decorated and I keep up with the tidying and I pay all my bills on time. However, like I said I want a family of my own and seeing the fact it's ten to twenty years waiting time helped with my decision to stay.

So, AIBU for refusing to move and pulling out of a mutual exchange?

OP posts:
Murdoch1949 · 14/10/2023 17:38

Until your HA pressures you, stay put. Your personal happiness and safety is important and this house means something to you.

thecatinthetwat · 14/10/2023 18:25

I understand why you want to stay op, but I just really don’t think you should. Not when families are in desperate need now. You don’t need those rooms for 10 years.

Abitofalark · 14/10/2023 18:26

You've done the right thing in pulling out. Unless you have the financial ability to buy yourself an adequate house or flat for the future - do the sums to see if that's feasible - hang on to your home, where you cared for your mother and sadly have lost her, sorry to hear that - you've had a lot to cope with and your family are just jealous of what you have, under guise of 'concern' or morality.

Now this house gives you home and shelter and an assurance of your future. Give it up and no one will put you to the head of the queue when you start your family. You'd be high and dry.

Bearcub101 · 14/10/2023 19:28

OP don’t move stay where you are. When you start a family you may be forever on a housing list. Don’t give it up.

Motherofwildlings · 15/10/2023 11:47

The issue here (for the morality brigade), is often you’ll find nowhere to move to, or if you do via Mex then you are placed somewhere unsuitable or at a lower standard of your own property or forced to move to an area away from your support network/job/friends etc, “but that’s part of living in social housing” I hear you cry. No, no it isn’t. The point of social housing is to help people secure affordable housing-please look at multiple legislations, see the housing act. It was not designed just for emergency accommodations or when people were falling on hard times, it was created for absolutely everyone, and laughably still is, which makes it even more important to remember when thinking about mortality-any of us can sign up for SH because it’s for everyone. It’s become seen as only for the very needy because there are not enough properties! It wasn’t designed to make people move around etc, since the 80’s right to buy created a crisis it’s only then people have been encouraged to shuffle around like cattle. That is not the fault of the tenants. The theory of tenants moving around is good in theory only and was a sticking plaster on the governments failings. Just like everything else the Tory government have dabbled in, it’s crashed and burnt spectacularly. If people are being offered houses and they create a home there and pour their money in to it then they have every right to be there-morally speaking as well because it is their home regardless of what other people want. The issue is the government, the housing crisis they created. This Mex is a smoke screen to make you angry at the people in the homes that you want/need, rather than see the real issue which is the government. If you are happy in your home OP, and plan to have a family then stay. You’ve already said you are not getting any benefits so the state is paying for nothing and you have every right to be there. It’s absolutely awful other people can’t get a house, but that’s in no way shape or form your problem. Set boundaries with your family and stop asking this wasps nest for advice, especially when you’ve said you don’t have a family yet, and it’s called mumsnet 😂 comes off a bit trollish. I don’t think you’re perhaps always going to get the fair judgement you should if you’re genuine.

Tessabelle74 · 15/10/2023 11:56

If you're in social housing, it should be legal to move you to a more suitable property as it's not yours. In my opinion anyone that has spare bedrooms should be downsized to allow those bedrooms to be utilised. We should be building more flats for that reason. Too many bigger properties have single people rattling around in them and that's not right.

Montegufoni2017 · 15/10/2023 12:02

it’s almost unbelievably, people on here are blaming you for the current housing situation in the U.K. 😂 even saying you are morally wrong! Rather than blame the government and the Billionaires that are allowed to not pay tax.
It is not your responsibility to house others, that doesn’t mean you can’t empathise, but it is not down to you. Your responsibility is to house yourself, pay your way, work, give back, be a good person, better yourself etc. They are your personal responsibilities. You really do not owe anyone anything or your family an explanation, you’d be a fool to move into a 1 bed flat when you currently have and want a 3 bed house!
the family with 2 kids waiting is an absolute disgrace and I have a huge amount of sympathy, it’s horrible and so the people in power should be doing something! I don’t believe you need to feel guilty, check your privilege of course and know how lucky you are but not guilty.

The system is working in the sense that the hate that the government and media push out means we all turn to our neighbour and think they’re the problem rather than the system itself

Peaceandkindness · 15/10/2023 12:03

Ilovegoldies · 13/10/2023 13:08

Honestly, just pull out. Cheeky fuckers.

This

NalafromtheLionKing · 15/10/2023 12:10

wakeupandbefunky · 13/10/2023 13:59

many empty nesters 'hogging' larger properties as a PP said, find that smaller social properties that are available actually cost more to live in and can't afford them. These more expensive properties were the 'brainchild' of the Tories who made up the fallacy of afdordable social rent.

Any social rented property that is labelled affordable rent is usually more expensive than traditional social rented properties.
Why would anyone worsen their circumstances just to suit others?

This is a good phrase: “Why would anyone worsen their circumstances just to suit others?”. Here, the others being complete strangers who you are unlikely to ever meet, let alone have any relationship with (or even gratitude from). Really not your issue to house them.

As PPs are said, no-one will be soft (even foolish) enough to give you such a house back when you need it in a few years.

You may want to take a step back from your CF family though.

amyds2104 · 15/10/2023 12:14

I disagree with this. Her mum died!!!! It’s not like she’s an elderly person living in a 3/4 bedroom house unwilling to move out because they’ve lived there for years. I see this all the time for work. They can be bedbound and also only live in one room! This is far worse than OPs situation!

YetAnotherSpartacus · 15/10/2023 12:20

YANBU! Stay where you are even if you do not end up having children.

Takeabreather23 · 15/10/2023 12:23

No , set boundaries with your family and also strangers .
Stay put your circumstances may change tomorrow then you would be waiting for a family home for ten years .

Beautiful3 · 15/10/2023 12:23

You might have a family of your own, you'll find it very difficult trying to upsize later on. Just stay put, ignore your family. Those people are unbelievably rude. Pull out.

NalafromtheLionKing · 15/10/2023 12:24

Motherofwildlings · 15/10/2023 11:47

The issue here (for the morality brigade), is often you’ll find nowhere to move to, or if you do via Mex then you are placed somewhere unsuitable or at a lower standard of your own property or forced to move to an area away from your support network/job/friends etc, “but that’s part of living in social housing” I hear you cry. No, no it isn’t. The point of social housing is to help people secure affordable housing-please look at multiple legislations, see the housing act. It was not designed just for emergency accommodations or when people were falling on hard times, it was created for absolutely everyone, and laughably still is, which makes it even more important to remember when thinking about mortality-any of us can sign up for SH because it’s for everyone. It’s become seen as only for the very needy because there are not enough properties! It wasn’t designed to make people move around etc, since the 80’s right to buy created a crisis it’s only then people have been encouraged to shuffle around like cattle. That is not the fault of the tenants. The theory of tenants moving around is good in theory only and was a sticking plaster on the governments failings. Just like everything else the Tory government have dabbled in, it’s crashed and burnt spectacularly. If people are being offered houses and they create a home there and pour their money in to it then they have every right to be there-morally speaking as well because it is their home regardless of what other people want. The issue is the government, the housing crisis they created. This Mex is a smoke screen to make you angry at the people in the homes that you want/need, rather than see the real issue which is the government. If you are happy in your home OP, and plan to have a family then stay. You’ve already said you are not getting any benefits so the state is paying for nothing and you have every right to be there. It’s absolutely awful other people can’t get a house, but that’s in no way shape or form your problem. Set boundaries with your family and stop asking this wasps nest for advice, especially when you’ve said you don’t have a family yet, and it’s called mumsnet 😂 comes off a bit trollish. I don’t think you’re perhaps always going to get the fair judgement you should if you’re genuine.

It’s not always a wasp’s nest 🐝.

The way I see it, everything we have necessarily stops someone else from having it. Coveted uni places or jobs, the last special offer food item on the shelf etc etc. Should we all just live in poverty so as not to tread on others’ toes by having something they might want or need more then, by giving away anything we may be entitled to on moral grounds?

HerMammy · 15/10/2023 12:26

The housing crisis is because the Tory government allows right to buy, decreasing the stock which is never replaced. Scotland stopped RTB 7 years ago and are steadily building SH. England has lost over 2 million homes to RTB, that forces people into overpriced private rented.

Iamgrootyesiam · 15/10/2023 12:27

CanvaQueen · 13/10/2023 13:11

YABU as an individual to choose to make your own life harder.

The whole system is HUGELY unreasonable and you shouldn’t be in a council house.

What??

Electrictache · 15/10/2023 12:31

Stay where you are, seriously. You'd be mad to give this house up at this point in your life when you might want a family of your own.

You're not in your 60s and looking to downsize after having a family. Don't feel guilty.

You could consider maybe offering a room to a refugee (formally through a charity so you're protected) if you want to feel like you're not wasting the space you have.

Fundays12 · 15/10/2023 12:33

Ignore your family. They massively over stepped the mark by advertising your home for exchange when it wasn't really what you wanted. As for the other family they are basically harrasing you in your own home. Pull out tell them and your family and the HA exactly why you are pulling out and tell your family if they ever put your home up on for exchange again that will be the last time they will be allowed in your life or home. You need to put firm boundaries in place with people. Keep your home you will probably need a bigger house anyway in a few years.

igor · 15/10/2023 12:41

Stay where you are, you would be crazy to give up a 3 bedroom house and even more so if you plan children in your future. I'd imagine that with a baby you'd be stuck in that one bedroom flat a lot longer than you'd imagine and will really regret it then.

Oliotya · 15/10/2023 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Theunamedcat · 15/10/2023 12:56

Tessabelle74 · 15/10/2023 11:56

If you're in social housing, it should be legal to move you to a more suitable property as it's not yours. In my opinion anyone that has spare bedrooms should be downsized to allow those bedrooms to be utilised. We should be building more flats for that reason. Too many bigger properties have single people rattling around in them and that's not right.

But then you end up with a situation like mine I live in a three bed my daughter left I still have two sons but now I'm not entitled to a three bed until ds turns 16 in just over 12 months time because I get dla I pay the extra for the room because ds1 & 2 CANNOT share a room they are so opposite ita ridiculous by your standards I should be moved down to a two bed then what? Sit on a waiting list for years?

tinktangles · 15/10/2023 13:09

Definitely keep it.

Like previous person said it's every man gut himself these days. Doubtful you will ever get an opportunity like that again.

Life's not fair and most second home owners or multi-property landlords have no qualms about how they affect society.

Your family sound bitter. Do they all own their own properties by any chance? Is there a large age gap between you all?

CherryCokeFanatic · 15/10/2023 13:10

Could you take a lodger to appease your family OP? Ask around at work or amongst friends if any of them are still living with family

tinktangles · 15/10/2023 13:11

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 13/10/2023 14:01

And all over stupid things. 1 collapsed because I refused to leave a dining table and chairs! They insisted it was to stay as it fitted perfectly and they had trouble sourcing one the same. They also were insisting I left a bathroom cabinet in situ as they couldn't fit another. Mad

I refused....that's my stuff

What the hell! The entitlement is real with some.

Tumbleweed101 · 15/10/2023 13:12

In your situation I wouldn't be moving. You can afford it and you are young enough to have a family of your own in the future. If you downsize now you will then have the difficulty of needing to upsize again at another point in the future.

In some ways, it makes more sense for those who have raised a family to then move into a smaller property than a young person who may start a family to move out.

Successions can only be made one in the life time of a tenancy so it's not as if this house will be passed down again into the same family.