AIBU for pulling out of a mutual exchange and refusing to move?

[aibu200101]

Around seven years ago my mum, who was a single parent to three children physical health started declining and became really poorly; at this point there was not a day where she wasn't ill. Due to her being a single parent and her income status she was a social housing tenant but she refused to be ashamed of it whereas most people she knew are also social housing tenant were. She became ill and I stepped up to the plate and gave up a lot of things to care for my mother who sadly passed away in her sleep two years ago.

I informed everyone of her death including her HA and they informed me about successions rights and to apply which I was successful in doing so. A year and a bit after her death my family asked me if I'm interested in downsizing as I don't "really need this house" and I wasn't interested but I felt pressured to join mutual exchange sites as my siblings said they would join some sites on my behalf and felt like I couldn't say no as well.

Which brings us up to what has happened recently.

A few months ago I finally found a three-way mutual exchange which involved a one-bedroom flat which I would be moving into who needed a two bedroom flat, then a two-bedroom flat who would be moving into my house. There was a couple with a son and daughter who said they were desperate to get to my area whereas the one-bedroom flat was half an hour away from me. At first I was okay with this and started the application process but issues started with the couple from the two-bedroom house.

Issues:

The couple kept coming around uninvited on many occasions where I've either been out or been at home but although I'm at home I've still been busy and they've tried to barge their way into my home but I've been firm and remained at the front door. I've spoken to them many times letting them know it's not okay and it's still my property.

There has also been times when they've jumped over my fence to take measurements without even knocking and I've had to keep the door to the garden locked and the windows shut as I've seen them on a few occasions where I've seen them trying to enter through the garden door.

There's many more issues I can mention but I don't want to go into details. The thing is I've had a word with them many times and I've told them what they're doing is not okay and I don't feel comfortable as I'm a young woman in my early 20s and it can be frightening. I finally decided to pull out of the mutual exchange due to me being uncomfortable and I'll be honest frightened too.

My family already knew I was part of a mutual exchange and I made it clear to them I'm staying put and won't be moving. The thing is I read that it can take between ten and twenty years to downsize/upsize and I do want a family of my own so I know I'm being an asshole now as I currently have two empty bedrooms but I'm paying the whole rent by myself without benefits, my house is fully decorated and I keep up with the tidying and I pay all my bills on time. However, like I said I want a family of my own and seeing the fact it's ten to twenty years waiting time helped with my decision to stay.

So, AIBU for refusing to move and pulling out of a mutual exchange?

I am fairly sure you have posted before. You must have given in to the bullying by your family. Yes you should reverse this. Do you think in 15 years time someone is going to move out for you?
Lots of people get help with their housing from their parents. Your mother hasn’t been able to give you financial help but it has turned out the situation has helped you. Keep it. There are many people who need social housing and as a nation we need to build much more but people do make their own decisions in life about how many children they have. Take care.

Tell your family its none of their business an deffo stay if you plan having a family one day.

They’re funded by the government; Homes England if in England. There’s also a significant cost to the government to house homeless families in temporary accommodation.

None of this is OP’s fault or problem which is why as an individual, she has the right to take as much from the state as she can. But on a policy level, it’s completely backwards to house citizens according to succession rights rather than need.

Op just stay put

Assume you are fully furnished? It's a settled home

The hassle of moving in this way won't be worth it long term.

I've been in 2 normal swaps
And a 3 way swap

All collapsed.

Fuck morals ! OP you are playing your bills, rent etc and are entitled to live in your home.
If you have a family in the future that's you sorted if not you may want to down size then. BUT it is YOUR choice.

many empty nesters 'hogging' larger properties as a PP said, find that smaller social properties that are available actually cost more to live in and can't afford them. These more expensive properties were the 'brainchild' of the Tories who made up the fallacy of afdordable social rent.

Any social rented property that is labelled affordable rent is usually more expensive than traditional social rented properties.
Why would anyone worsen their circumstances just to suit others?

And all over stupid things. 1 collapsed because I refused to leave a dining table and chairs! They insisted it was to stay as it fitted perfectly and they had trouble sourcing one the same. They also were insisting I left a bathroom cabinet in situ as they couldn't fit another. Mad

I refused....that's my stuff

You would be absolutely crazy to move. If there was a system where you were put at the very top of the list when you needed to upsize by virtue of giving up your home now, fair enough. But you'll get absolutely no credit for it, as it stands, if and when you need a bigger property.

I believe the HA should help more. Mines a 5 bed

I don't need it. Another kid due to move out soon. My rent is £800. A 2 bed locally is on the swap site and is £685 and a 3 bed house is £950

It's not the OPs fault there isn't enough social housing.

It is her home. She has probably contributed both time and money to creating that home, as well as emotional investment.

If you want to stay OP, YANBU.

I have a 3 bedroom house, I own it. There is me and my son, the dog and the cat. Should I downsize to a 2 bedroom house just because there are 3 people living in a 2 bed?

morally, someone shouldn't be occupying 2 bedrooms that they don't need.

Legally it appears you are entitled to do so.

Social housing has been good for your family - you and your mum, it was there when she really needed it. Maybe it's time to allow another family desperate for housing have somewhere decent to live if you don't need the space.

Social housing is for people in 'need', not for people who 'want'.

However, as far as the CF are concerned, no doubt they are desperate but their behaviour is just rude and it makes it difficult to want to help them.

Tricky.

You absolutely should put yourself first OP, because no one else will. Not your family, not those that want your home.

Right now you have security. You would be insane to give that up to appease anyone else. Stay where you are, and work on developing a thicker skin.

Don't housing associations encourage tenants to downsize if their house is bigger than they need? And therefore, I'm quite certain they can help you find something smaller without needing to swap with someone.

If I was in your position, the only way I'd move is if the housing association found me a 2 bed house with a garden. I wouldn't involve myself in mutual exchange, you're in a strong position. You'd be silly to move into a 1 bed flat as you could be there forever.

If you want to stay put, stay put. You're not claiming off the government so I don't see any problem with what you are doing.

@PenelopePlant

No they do not help. Not at all

It's down to you as a tenant

And no, they don't put you somewhere else to free up your home either

Stay exactly where you are. Many people get help to buy from family members, your mum helped you by you being able to succeed her as the tenant. It is your home. The housing crisis is the fault of the government and people buying second and third homes not you. If you don’t look after yourself no one else will. All the posters saying you should move are not in your shoes and do not know the ins and outs of your life. Enjoy your home and I send you my best wishes that one day you will be blessed with a family of your own. Ignore your siblings and other family members who are telling you to move.

Ah my bad. I knew of someone who was helped by their housing association so I assumed it was a thing.

1. It is not subsidised. It's not run to make profit.
2. It is not the responsibility of people to move out. It it up to the Government to make provision for more social housing.
3. There is also a shortage of one bedroom homes.
4. The housing market in this country is a mess. People owning several houses whilst many have none. Private rents are sky high but wages do not match them.

None of this is the responsibility of the OP.

Also think of potential issues with living in a flat. What is the situation witn the neighbours? Flats can be utter hell for noise transference. Do you have a pet? Does the MEX allow pets? What is the service charge for communal areas? How much is this likely to increase?

@Getupat8amnow - I agree. Social housing (and, indeed, the entire housing market in general, including the private rental sector) is an absolute shitshow in the UK.

The government aren't interested in doing anything about it, either. Not really. They might make a few noises about 'helping people into home ownership' but as far as social housing goes, no government has been interested in it for a very long time. Older homeowners are struggling to find suitable housing, too - developers don't build bungalows or apartment housing designed for later life unless it comes with a massive price tag for all sorts of fancy facilities and adaptations that many people aren't yet ready for. I was looking at a 'retirement village' in Kent the other day as part of research for my job. The cheapest unit is £375,000 and then you have to pay another £12,700 a year for service charges.

OP, in your shoes, I wouldn't move, either. I don't see there's anything less 'moral' about you staying in a home you love and pay for entirely off your own back than there is about our elected leaders doing fuck all to house families living in cramped, insecure, unsuitable or temporary accommodation by not creating more social housing.

'Morality' is something of a lame accusation in this case because it's not down to any single social housing tenant to be the arbiter of a government's failure to act. Also, the impact of potentially moving people away from social and support networks to 'solve' some of the issues of social housing by enabling others to occupy their homes isn't a practical solution.

What is it to do with your family? Why are you so influenced by them? Yes your circumstances may change down the line, which might make any property less suitable but if you can afford your current one and the area suits, you do not have to move.

Why on earth are you listening to them? Put stronger boundaries in place and never ever ever put strangers before your own happiness
Stay put @aibu200101

nah, I’d deffo pull out too.

Stay put Op, who knows how soon you'll be settling down and starting a family. If you move into a small flat you'll be years trying to get out of it into something bigger.

When the family start on at you shut them down - I'm not discussing this any more. I've made my decision and it's final. Repeat - I'm not going to discuss this with you, so change the subject or I'm leaving. I've made my decision and it's final.

I meant to quote this from Tabitha - so true:
''Morality' is something of a lame accusation in this case because it's not down to any single social housing tenant to be the arbiter of a government's failure to act. Also, the impact of potentially moving people away from social and support networks to 'solve' some of the issues of social housing by enabling others to occupy their homes isn't a practical solution.'

Don't hate the players, hate the game!