AIBU for pulling out of a mutual exchange and refusing to move?

[aibu200101]

Around seven years ago my mum, who was a single parent to three children physical health started declining and became really poorly; at this point there was not a day where she wasn't ill. Due to her being a single parent and her income status she was a social housing tenant but she refused to be ashamed of it whereas most people she knew are also social housing tenant were. She became ill and I stepped up to the plate and gave up a lot of things to care for my mother who sadly passed away in her sleep two years ago.

I informed everyone of her death including her HA and they informed me about successions rights and to apply which I was successful in doing so. A year and a bit after her death my family asked me if I'm interested in downsizing as I don't "really need this house" and I wasn't interested but I felt pressured to join mutual exchange sites as my siblings said they would join some sites on my behalf and felt like I couldn't say no as well.

Which brings us up to what has happened recently.

A few months ago I finally found a three-way mutual exchange which involved a one-bedroom flat which I would be moving into who needed a two bedroom flat, then a two-bedroom flat who would be moving into my house. There was a couple with a son and daughter who said they were desperate to get to my area whereas the one-bedroom flat was half an hour away from me. At first I was okay with this and started the application process but issues started with the couple from the two-bedroom house.

Issues:

The couple kept coming around uninvited on many occasions where I've either been out or been at home but although I'm at home I've still been busy and they've tried to barge their way into my home but I've been firm and remained at the front door. I've spoken to them many times letting them know it's not okay and it's still my property.

There has also been times when they've jumped over my fence to take measurements without even knocking and I've had to keep the door to the garden locked and the windows shut as I've seen them on a few occasions where I've seen them trying to enter through the garden door.

There's many more issues I can mention but I don't want to go into details. The thing is I've had a word with them many times and I've told them what they're doing is not okay and I don't feel comfortable as I'm a young woman in my early 20s and it can be frightening. I finally decided to pull out of the mutual exchange due to me being uncomfortable and I'll be honest frightened too.

My family already knew I was part of a mutual exchange and I made it clear to them I'm staying put and won't be moving. The thing is I read that it can take between ten and twenty years to downsize/upsize and I do want a family of my own so I know I'm being an asshole now as I currently have two empty bedrooms but I'm paying the whole rent by myself without benefits, my house is fully decorated and I keep up with the tidying and I pay all my bills on time. However, like I said I want a family of my own and seeing the fact it's ten to twenty years waiting time helped with my decision to stay.

So, AIBU for refusing to move and pulling out of a mutual exchange?

OP, have you contacted the HA direct? most SH are very good at working with you to downsize, get in touch with them and see what can be done.

Absolutely back out.

Tell those people to stay away fr you and your home and don't hesitate to involve the police.

Tell your awful family to mind their own business.

Keep your house and live your life.

This is no one's business but yours.

You family are bullies. Start ignoring them.

Children can't live in homes without adults - are you suggesting that other adults should be forced out of their home into the children's to care for them?

Once they are adults their parents' home is no longer theirs so being 'thrown out' is dramatic. Even if they lived there and cares for parents once the latter passes the home should revert to rightful owners. In social housing case it should be the HA and for private housing it will be sold to pay for care or proceeds distributed among the heirs.

Of course they should have a grace period but by letting them stay there forever you are depriving others.

stay in YOUR home.
you are entitled to be there as much as the next person. you moving out is not going to sort the system out and you are paying cash for your rent not freeloading like a lot of people in both HA and private rentals. the people u swapped are cheeky ficks and i'm so happy u stood up
to them. will maybe reach them a lesson on swap etiquette, so rude and i get it, scary as well. get yourself off the swap pages tell your family your staying put as u can RIGHTLY do so, and tell them it's not up for discussion again. enjoy your home and the memories x

Your family don’t sound as though they have your best interests at heart!

Time to put in some boundaries with them and with others

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable and have absolutely made the right decision. Stand firm and do not entertain another discussion with your family about moving out ever. The housing system is broken and it is not your job to fix it - you can use the extra bedrooms as a walk-in wardrobe, study etc whatever you please as the house is yours! You never know what the future holds and this is the opportunity for you to have an affordable property that a lot of people can only dream of. Do not be bullied or gaslighted into thinking otherwise, hold your head up high, don't look back and enjoy your home and future.

and would you do this? move into a bed sit from your family home? no, exactly.

Other adults might want to care for them in their homes, actually.

I don't know why you think our family homes are no longer our family homes after we're 18, but it's a subjective viewpoint. Many of us see our family homes as the homes of our family members, which is what makes them family homes, irrespective of age.

The OP doesn't want to move. Her family are bullies. So why would she do that?

Glad to see the hugely subsidised rent crap is tailing off. Think it's only taken 10 yes to get from free houses to just a couple of daft comments.on here 🙄

Now you're changing your story.
Your original problem was that children were 'usually' thrown out of their homes. That's because 'usually', other adults don't want to care for them in their homes. The assertion 'some might' has nothing to do with 'usually'. If the home's willed to them of course they can stay. For rented - same thing - if another adult is willing to move in and take over the rent they can stay. Nobody's forced to move.

R.e. grown adults - now you're expanding the definition you can't be 'thrown out' if you don't live there. Not having somewhere to return to isn't the same. If a privately owned home is willed to children (as is usually the case) then they can very well choose to keep it. They choose money instead. In cases of being sold to fund care - why do you think it's 'despicable' for people to bear the vost, instead of taxpayers for the sake of memories?

Pretty sentiment and throwing around of words like 'trauma' and 'despicable' from you but not only do you have no solutions for the very practical reasons people can't stay in the majority of cases people themselves choose to get rid of a 'family home' for money. Quite dramatic of you to decide that this is deserving of contempt.

I think you're going off-topic quite a bit. We were talking specifically about people living in their social/council housing family homes when their parents die and I was referring to the practice of making the bereaved leave shortly after their parents' deaths (which is not the case in OP's situation, but often is in newer tenancies).

I agree with this.

It shouldn't be allowed, but it is. And that's not your fault or responsibility. You should take full advantage of your situation.

My answer would be different if you were an older person who had raised their children in the home, then found themselves an empty nester with space. Then I'd advise that they downsized and made room for another family.

But you're probably going to have a family of your own, OP, and will need that space yourself at some point in the near future. I'd hang onto your home as the chances of getting into another one when you need it are slim!

As for the other people pestering you? They're CFs, block them.

For the idiots on this thread throwing around the “subsidised rents” falsehood!

https://www.whatdotheyknow.com/request/is_my_social_housing_rent_subsid

Im sick of people thinking the SH tenants are scum. How about you direct your anger at private landlord scum instead.

This should be pinned to Mumsnet pages, the number of people who throw nonsense about tenants about.

It's actually illegal to subsidise social housing rents, according to the freedom of information response here.

Council rents make a profit, however, that's returned to the treasury: in effect council tenants pay extra tax in their rent.

Council rents make a profit, however, that's returned to the treasury: in effect council tenants pay extra tax in their rent.

That's assuming they work and the entirety of the rent isn't paid by housing benefit and UC though?

I get this statement if for example the people living there are a nurse and a teacher, both are paying tax and full rent with no housing benefit.

A couple with a child and neither of them working (I know a few) are not paying anything into the system, tax or otherwise as they receive housing benefit to cover the majority of the rent and they 'pay the rest' out of the UC they claim....how are they returning anything to the treasury when that's where it came from in the first instance?

And why the fuck are you under the impression the every SH tenant is claiming UC?

I and everyone on my street of SH houses works. It’s not a caveat of having a SH house that you don’t work, most of them do, most of them pay their own rent. No one seems to mind if UC are paying extortionate, over inflated private rents that line the pockets of greedy landlords!

Can I ask that you highlight exactly where in my post I said that?
I mentioned that a nurse and a teacher would pay back in tax on their rent (as they are working)
The couples I KNOW IN REAL LIFE are not paying anything back as they don't work (apart from cash in hand) so they don't pay anything!
Calm down and read what I said properly.

That's completely irrelevant because that's about people who are claiming benefits, not about people in non-private housing.

If you want to express your opinions about people who claim UC, you could start another thread? However, it's worth pointing out that you can only claim out of work benefits if you're working, unless you're severely disabled or if you can prove at weekly-monthly jobcentre meetings that you're spending around 30 hours a week finding work, so it is usually only a temporary situation or for people who work (and even then you're only allowed to claim if you're earning a full time minimum wage). If you're in social housing, the money goes back to society so isn't actually paid or lost in any way.

If you're in social housing, the money goes back to society so isn't actually paid or lost in any way.
In that case we should all give up work (as it is the none working people I refer to, not the many that do work and live in social housing) and all housing stock should be taken over by the government to provide us with the homes they deem us to need (kiss goodbye to owning a three bed house if you are a couple with no children) we can all claim UC and the money will endlessly go round in a circle back to the government to give to us?
There isn't a way anyone can convince me that people who do not work and live in social housing are paying into the system, sorry.
Again I do not refer to those who are working and live in social housing.

I think you're on the wrong thread. This one isn't about whether people work or not and it's irrelevant anyhow what housing people live in in that case, except that obviously they cost taxpayers a lot more if they're in privately rented housing, but that's another issue.

Nope, I was replying to the poster that jumped in to inform us all that everyone paid for social housing out of their own pocket and they are actually benefiting us all by paying extra tax.
I pointed out that I personally know of two couples where this is not the case.
It is quite bizarre on here and people almost try to gaslight you into believing that all people in social housing are saintly, hard working individuals that always give more than they take.
I could walk you around one of the delightful estates in my town that might open your eyes a little.
Also, just for future reference, I can post my opinion on any thread I like regardless of whether you agree with me or not.

The point is, it's irrelevant, because people could equally not be paying taxes in all different types of housing, from privately owned mansions to private rentals to tents to houseboats. Private rentals are the homes where the taxpayers' money goes astray, not social or council housing.

But it isn't irrelevant because I was replying to a previous poster as I explained before so therefore your comments are irrelevant.
Obviously there are a multitude of ways to avoid paying taxes - the previous poster made a specific point that people who rent from social housing pay extra tax. I simply pointed out that they may do in certain circumstances but plenty of them don't pay anything towards their housing.
I really don't understand why this is a difficult concept for you to grasp.