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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for pulling out of a mutual exchange and refusing to move?

231 replies

aibu200101 · 13/10/2023 13:06

Around seven years ago my mum, who was a single parent to three children physical health started declining and became really poorly; at this point there was not a day where she wasn't ill. Due to her being a single parent and her income status she was a social housing tenant but she refused to be ashamed of it whereas most people she knew are also social housing tenant were. She became ill and I stepped up to the plate and gave up a lot of things to care for my mother who sadly passed away in her sleep two years ago.

I informed everyone of her death including her HA and they informed me about successions rights and to apply which I was successful in doing so. A year and a bit after her death my family asked me if I'm interested in downsizing as I don't "really need this house" and I wasn't interested but I felt pressured to join mutual exchange sites as my siblings said they would join some sites on my behalf and felt like I couldn't say no as well.

Which brings us up to what has happened recently.

A few months ago I finally found a three-way mutual exchange which involved a one-bedroom flat which I would be moving into who needed a two bedroom flat, then a two-bedroom flat who would be moving into my house. There was a couple with a son and daughter who said they were desperate to get to my area whereas the one-bedroom flat was half an hour away from me. At first I was okay with this and started the application process but issues started with the couple from the two-bedroom house.

Issues:

The couple kept coming around uninvited on many occasions where I've either been out or been at home but although I'm at home I've still been busy and they've tried to barge their way into my home but I've been firm and remained at the front door. I've spoken to them many times letting them know it's not okay and it's still my property.

There has also been times when they've jumped over my fence to take measurements without even knocking and I've had to keep the door to the garden locked and the windows shut as I've seen them on a few occasions where I've seen them trying to enter through the garden door.

There's many more issues I can mention but I don't want to go into details. The thing is I've had a word with them many times and I've told them what they're doing is not okay and I don't feel comfortable as I'm a young woman in my early 20s and it can be frightening. I finally decided to pull out of the mutual exchange due to me being uncomfortable and I'll be honest frightened too.

My family already knew I was part of a mutual exchange and I made it clear to them I'm staying put and won't be moving. The thing is I read that it can take between ten and twenty years to downsize/upsize and I do want a family of my own so I know I'm being an asshole now as I currently have two empty bedrooms but I'm paying the whole rent by myself without benefits, my house is fully decorated and I keep up with the tidying and I pay all my bills on time. However, like I said I want a family of my own and seeing the fact it's ten to twenty years waiting time helped with my decision to stay.

So, AIBU for refusing to move and pulling out of a mutual exchange?

OP posts:
Springingintosummer · 15/10/2023 14:47

Morally it might be the right thing to do. But would anyone downsize to let you have a family? I doubt it.

Topsyturvy78 · 15/10/2023 15:12

What I don't understand is why the council would house a single person in a 3 bed. When there are tons of families in overcrowded home's. I live in a 3 bed council house with my 2 DC. When I first moved here neighbours told me the elderly tenants were horders. But at one time there was 10 people living in the house. Their grown up DC and grandchildren. In the hope of being offered a council house quicker. Not sure where they all slept. The council removed 2 ton of stuff out the house so there wasn't much room inside.

2jacqi · 15/10/2023 15:27

you do not have to go anywhere!! you have the right to live in the house where you are. if you can afford the rent then so be it! cancel all swaps now because in the future you may very well wish you had kept the house, especially if it is in a good area!

Kate9423 · 15/10/2023 15:31

People may say you're selfish for keeping the extra space.

Legally you're allowed to.

If I were you, I'd be keeping it to. Future proofing yourself and your potential family is nothing but sensible for you as an individual.

Everyone else's issues shouldn't be placed on you, if the system currently allows it.

Also, tell your family to do one!

Isthisasgoodasitis · 15/10/2023 15:35

Your jealousy is showing flower do put it away

Liquorish · 15/10/2023 15:41

I wouldn’t be steamrolled into moving by your family members. You have been given the tenancy, pay the rent and they should mind their own business.

In my area there is less demand for 3 beds and more of a demand for 1 bed elderly housing that isn’t a flat. Because of this there are many single tenants given 3 bed council houses. One of them left the house empty for 6 months because she couldn’t be bothered moving in. She now has a lodger to help with the costs despite bragging about her finances and the rent being easily affordable.

I have a relative who pretended she had been living with another relative when she was dying so she could take up the tenancy.

While some people do abuse the system, I wouldn’t be moving out of a good place just because someone else felt they were entitled. Living in a flat is horrendous.

Motherofwildlings · 15/10/2023 15:45

No that is true, not always a wasps nest. But you must be prepared for some very honest opinions here 😂

and absolutely I think you are right about uni places etc. plus people talking about morals-where are their morals actively trying to force a grieving young woman out of her home just because they are angry at the governments mistreatment of social housing stock. The “morally right” brigade are seeing social housing as something that the government provide only for the needy, however it is just a normal landlord/tenant agreement, but one that is regulated and secure.

DinaofCloud9 · 15/10/2023 15:45

YANBU and all the people saying you are would not move out in your situation.
It's just virtue signalling.

Samlewis96 · 15/10/2023 16:04

Whattheflipflap · 13/10/2023 16:36

Yeah I think you are being really unreasonable, I’m so sorry about your mum.
you don’t have to exchange with the bonkers family with no boundaries but there are thousands of families waiting for somewhere to live. You don’t have to downsize to a one bed (here at least) so you could move to a two bed house, and then free up your house for another family
alternatively you could probably save up a princely deposit for your own home or shared ownership with the hugely subsidised rent you’re paying?
you’d pay even less in a 1 bed council or HA home so be even more likely to afford to move on to something of your own for your family.
i understand why you don’t want to move but it’s not fair to hoard a social asset incase you want kids. Use this privilege to springboard you into a stronger position, so that other people can benefit from this gome too

Not necessarily true that a smaller place would be cheaper. I've a friend who was wanting to downsize from 2 to 1 bed place. The one bedrooms ofter were either less than £5 a week cheaper or if newer then a lot more expensive

Cowlover89 · 15/10/2023 16:05

Yanbu

Sumtimesiamgreen · 15/10/2023 16:11

Stay put. Pull out, silly siblings are prob jealous of you in a three bed property, who gives up that up for a 1 bed flat !!! No f way.

VeryGoodVeryNice · 15/10/2023 16:28

I’d definitely stay put. I have a lifetime tenancy on a 3 bed and pay £485 a month to live in a really lovely area. I’ve been here 10 years, I’ve raised my kids here, who are teenagers now. I run a business from home (yes the HA know about this) and at the moment my loft is where I store stock. If/when my DC move out then that will free up room to expand my business. I’m totally settled in the community, I get on really well with all of my neighbours, and I’m buggered if I’d give all that up for some stranger’s sake. Plus my DC have SEN and are likely to live at home for a good while yet, and if/when they move out there’s no guarantees they’ll be able to manage, so would like to have the option of them being able to come back if they need to.

I got my house because I was a victim of DA and it’s my safe haven, the only way I would move out is if I could afford to buy my own place (which isn’t likely). If that makes me selfish I don’t really care.

Fogwisp · 15/10/2023 17:18

Motherofwildlings · 15/10/2023 15:45

No that is true, not always a wasps nest. But you must be prepared for some very honest opinions here 😂

and absolutely I think you are right about uni places etc. plus people talking about morals-where are their morals actively trying to force a grieving young woman out of her home just because they are angry at the governments mistreatment of social housing stock. The “morally right” brigade are seeing social housing as something that the government provide only for the needy, however it is just a normal landlord/tenant agreement, but one that is regulated and secure.

Exactly.

huggyhoo · 15/10/2023 17:26

Stay where you are. Ignore your family. Not their business

Tryingtobedifferent · 15/10/2023 20:29

Stay in your home OP. HA or not you are paying for it, looking after it and you are settled and have memories of your Mam there. Don't be bullied out by anybody, least of all your family! It screams of jealousy on their part.
Enjoy your lovely home ❤️

BlueSky2023 · 15/10/2023 20:47

If you met and married someone who wasn’t on benefits and was earning a relatively decent income would the two of you be entitled to live in the property or would you be means tested

gamerchick · 15/10/2023 21:23

BlueSky2023 · 15/10/2023 20:47

If you met and married someone who wasn’t on benefits and was earning a relatively decent income would the two of you be entitled to live in the property or would you be means tested

The OP pays full rent. What a weird question.
SH isn't means tested, it's not a benefit Hmm

Catastrophejane · 15/10/2023 21:30

Didn’t you post about this before? ( namely your family trying to get you to move out?)

the advice on that thread was to stay put - you are happy there.

I’d pull out. Take this as a sign.

BlueSky2023 · 15/10/2023 22:35

@gamerchick

I would say social housing is definitely a type of benefit, not everyone is entitled to it, there is no way I would be and also the rent being paid is only a fraction of what she would be paying if she was renting separately,

Fogwisp · 15/10/2023 23:48

BlueSky2023 · 15/10/2023 22:35

@gamerchick

I would say social housing is definitely a type of benefit, not everyone is entitled to it, there is no way I would be and also the rent being paid is only a fraction of what she would be paying if she was renting separately,

That's not true. It's only since lots was sold off that it's in such limited supply. Nevertheless, you can still set up housing cooperatives, community living trusts, or cohousing yourself, which is how lots of social housing gets set up in the first place.

Sugarfree23 · 16/10/2023 00:01

Op you've posted simular before. Your siblings sound jealous or something.
Tell them you have changed your mind. Pull out the exchange you don't want to do it and no reason why you should.

Tell your siblings you want to keep your house to feel close to your memories of mum for MH reasons.

BlueSky2023 · 16/10/2023 00:15

@gamerchick

Having a HA property is absolutely a benefit, you mainly qualify if you are on a low income or need extra support,
The benefit you get is a massive deduction in the rent you pay compared to what you would be paying in the private sector

Motherofwildlings · 16/10/2023 07:10

It really isn’t and anyone can apply-you could do it tomorrow. Your place on the list to be allocated is determined by your circumstances but it’s a myth that social housing is only for the needy as myself and many others have pointed out before. The rents are only in-line with market value and are more controlled, private rents have less regulation so are grossly inflated hence why they are so expensive vs a social house.

Oliotya · 16/10/2023 07:42

Motherofwildlings · 16/10/2023 07:10

It really isn’t and anyone can apply-you could do it tomorrow. Your place on the list to be allocated is determined by your circumstances but it’s a myth that social housing is only for the needy as myself and many others have pointed out before. The rents are only in-line with market value and are more controlled, private rents have less regulation so are grossly inflated hence why they are so expensive vs a social house.

Of course social housing is for the needy, given that it is allocated based on need. The fact that need is never reassessed is a separate issue. How it used to work decades ago is irrelevant.

Motherofwildlings · 16/10/2023 08:19

It is absolutely relevant because the ethos hasn’t changed. Non of the legislation or additions to the housing act etc have changed what social housing is for and who can apply for it. The only reason the societal opinion of social housing is what it is, is because of exactly what happened years ago, and has continued to happen (or not happen in the case of building back up the stock), so it’s absolutely relevant. The whole point of social housing is to offer people, any people, a place to live with a landlord (la/ha) whose rents are controlled fairly. SH was not and does not exist solely for the more impoverished and needy in the population. There’s a really good documentary about it on the bbc online somewhere. It’s actually quite frustrating that the relevant happenings of the past did take place, otherwise we all could have had the opportunity to live in fairly priced homes and there wouldn’t be a housing crisis, making people think others should be obligated to move out of their homes. I wonder if perhaps yourself and others reading this would feel the same about someone who is privately renting? Because there is a private renting crisis too-not trying to be argumentative or rude here, I’m genuinely wondering because public perception of social housing is so warped, which is not the fault of the public by any means!