AIBU for pulling out of a mutual exchange and refusing to move?

[aibu200101]

Around seven years ago my mum, who was a single parent to three children physical health started declining and became really poorly; at this point there was not a day where she wasn't ill. Due to her being a single parent and her income status she was a social housing tenant but she refused to be ashamed of it whereas most people she knew are also social housing tenant were. She became ill and I stepped up to the plate and gave up a lot of things to care for my mother who sadly passed away in her sleep two years ago.

I informed everyone of her death including her HA and they informed me about successions rights and to apply which I was successful in doing so. A year and a bit after her death my family asked me if I'm interested in downsizing as I don't "really need this house" and I wasn't interested but I felt pressured to join mutual exchange sites as my siblings said they would join some sites on my behalf and felt like I couldn't say no as well.

Which brings us up to what has happened recently.

A few months ago I finally found a three-way mutual exchange which involved a one-bedroom flat which I would be moving into who needed a two bedroom flat, then a two-bedroom flat who would be moving into my house. There was a couple with a son and daughter who said they were desperate to get to my area whereas the one-bedroom flat was half an hour away from me. At first I was okay with this and started the application process but issues started with the couple from the two-bedroom house.

Issues:

The couple kept coming around uninvited on many occasions where I've either been out or been at home but although I'm at home I've still been busy and they've tried to barge their way into my home but I've been firm and remained at the front door. I've spoken to them many times letting them know it's not okay and it's still my property.

There has also been times when they've jumped over my fence to take measurements without even knocking and I've had to keep the door to the garden locked and the windows shut as I've seen them on a few occasions where I've seen them trying to enter through the garden door.

There's many more issues I can mention but I don't want to go into details. The thing is I've had a word with them many times and I've told them what they're doing is not okay and I don't feel comfortable as I'm a young woman in my early 20s and it can be frightening. I finally decided to pull out of the mutual exchange due to me being uncomfortable and I'll be honest frightened too.

My family already knew I was part of a mutual exchange and I made it clear to them I'm staying put and won't be moving. The thing is I read that it can take between ten and twenty years to downsize/upsize and I do want a family of my own so I know I'm being an asshole now as I currently have two empty bedrooms but I'm paying the whole rent by myself without benefits, my house is fully decorated and I keep up with the tidying and I pay all my bills on time. However, like I said I want a family of my own and seeing the fact it's ten to twenty years waiting time helped with my decision to stay.

So, AIBU for refusing to move and pulling out of a mutual exchange?

@ImADevYo

Well most do

We are considering buying ours though

Stay put, and enjoy your home.

Buying it shouldn't be allowed either.
But if I was an individual and in that position I wouldn't let any moral scruples stop me, I'd get the tenancy/buy it whatever.

The lobbying should be on the powers that be to change the law not on individuals to not do what's legally allowed.

Strange how people are screaming about a housing crisis and building everywhere but this simple thing and major cause hasn't been stopped. The depletion of social housing stock is one factor in the lack of it...

No, you're doing the right thing.

@ImADevYo
Should be allowed to pass on to children
Shouldn't be allowed to buy it

Says who?

I have a lifetime tenancy, I'm not giving it up. Who would?

Morally you should move. In reality though, I don’t think I would in your situation (as much as I would like to do the moral thing). I would advise my friends / family to stay put.

And well done for pulling out. That couple sound batshit - hopefully that’ll teach them not to do the same on their next exchange.

Yeah I think you are being really unreasonable, I’m so sorry about your mum.
you don’t have to exchange with the bonkers family with no boundaries but there are thousands of families waiting for somewhere to live. You don’t have to downsize to a one bed (here at least) so you could move to a two bed house, and then free up your house for another family
alternatively you could probably save up a princely deposit for your own home or shared ownership with the hugely subsidised rent you’re paying?
you’d pay even less in a 1 bed council or HA home so be even more likely to afford to move on to something of your own for your family.
i understand why you don’t want to move but it’s not fair to hoard a social asset incase you want kids. Use this privilege to springboard you into a stronger position, so that other people can benefit from this gome too

In my opinion people shouldn't be allowed to pass on a lifetime tenancy to their children or to buy their social housing. It's meant to be allocated to the next person who needs it decided centrally. Just as they themselves got a house they needed.

Can't blame people for taking the opportunity though. And nobody mentioned giving a lifetime tenancy up.

That's all I have to say - quite simple. If you're delibrately being obtuse then find something better to do with your Friday evening ..

Definitely pull out, they’re being pushy assholes and do NOT deserve your property. Stay and make a future for yourself, you’ll not be single forever and will end up starting from scratch.

@ImADevYo no I'll do as I like with my Friday evening actually.

Also OP make sure you avoid cocklodging men who will try to take advantage!

@ImADevYo this 100%

@Whattheflipflap

Do you think op is morally wrong and should downsize to a 2 bed??

Even a 2 bed is too big but that's ok with you??

Op would be assessed as eligible for a 1 bed/studio

Is someone in your family hoping to get your house? It all seems very odd to me that they'd pressure you like this unless there was something in it for them!
Stay put!!
You are happy, you are paying the bills, you have spare rooms for siblings or friends to stay over occasionally, why move if you're happy there?!

It is really odd that your family are pressuring you. What business is it of theirs?

Keep the house! You may have a family of your own within the next 10 years. If you have no parental help to get on the housing ladder it might be difficult for you to do so on your own. Why are your family telling you to downsize?

YANBU to not give pushy arseholes their own way. Such arseholes should feel the consequences of their behaviour whenever the opportunity arises.

YANBU

Your family sound pushy - it's no business of theirs where you live so I don't know why they are getting involved.

I'm sorry about your mum

And don't let people on here make you feel bad. You're entitled to the house, it's your home, if you would like a family in future by all means hold onto it. It's not like you're an empty nester, you are just starting out in life. Don't feel obligated to move for other people, you look out for yourself.

Do what is best for you. Which is probably keep the house.

Tell your family to mind their own business, or just grey rock them when they talk about it if you don't want confrontation.

Stay where you are, your family home. Plus, you will have room for when you start a family.
It's not your fault that there isn't enough housing, we can't beat ourselves up over all social problems. Tell your family you are staying and tell others to mind their own business!

It isn't subsidised (and 1 beds with newer tenancies often have higher rents than 3 beds with old tenancies).

Family doesn’t always know what is best for you. I was encouraged to give up my home to another family member whilst I was also caring for an elderly parent. My council home was the only asset I had to my name and I had strived to put some nice bits of furniture in there.

My concerns were:

Who will replace my furniture when it gets knackered?
I would have nowhere to store my clothing and other belongings (except to leave them scattered around various homes in bin liners as I wouldn’t have been able to afford storage).
How will I avoid falling out with those relatives (who have a young baby to move around), should I need my home returned to me quickly?
What would happen if I were to embark on a serious relationship, since there was no room at my elderly parent’s house.

As it happened, my sick parent died very suddenly, and her offspring rented the house out at lightening speed, they were looking forward to the tidy income it would generate - it had been bought as soon as the right to buy scheme had been introduced.

I refused the kind “offer”. I’m certain there was no real bad intent in it… it was a way to solve several problems for them all at once. Unfortunately this could have meant the loss of my home completely and messed up my long term future.

Think of yourself first. Would these people house you if you ended up in a bad neighbourhood that frightened you? You don’t know what that next house swap would really be like in the long term, and you have every right to have space to raise a young family, just like everyone else. You deserve some good fortune after caring for a sick vulnerable person. You are a lovely person.

I wish you a beautiful happy family life to come.

You’ve posted about this before, I think?

YANBU

The shortage of social housing is not your fault or your problem to solve

No, it's despicable actually that children (adult or under 18s) are usually thrown out of their homes when their parents die, so suffer that extra loss, which can be traumatic.