Can you have a high flying career with 3 children

[Yepop]

I am posting here for traffic and getting some perspective on this.
I have a DC and TTC another soon, I feel I would like a third DC but DH thinks it would be difficult to manage with both of us working full time and no family support.
I am focussed and ambitious person and want to have a good career ahead. I am in a decent leadership role at my organisation and hope to climb the career ladder further in next 3-4 years.
Just want to get some perspective on whether in my sort of situation maintaining a career with 3 DC would be possible or I might be better off with 2. Also, me and DH are mid thirties.

Yes you absolutely can. I have 4 DC and we have 2 full-on high earning jobs, I travel a reasonable amount. Yes you need help, and to be able to outsource cleaning, ironing, gardening etc, and cut some corners sometime (COOK meals) and supportive grandparents definitely help. It helps if you can flex your hours - I have always been able to do school events, sports days, shows and extra curricular activities etc through the years. My children are very well balanced, loved and supported and I have always tried to give them proper time and 1:1 attention - but they are also proud of me for having a successful career.

You can I'm sure if you have either lots of family support and/or a lot of money.

I always wanted 3. I have a girl who's 2 and a half (ivf baby) and was an easy baby/easy toddler. Then I have a (naturally conceived) 10 month old boy who was a nightmare baby (didn't like milk which we didn't discover until 9 weeks) and is still a bit of a pain in the bum. It's put me right off having anymore! I'm getting my sleep now and working again full time so I'm just not sure I could go through the newborn stuff again /maternity leave with less money. See how you feel after your second 😊

@misstiggywinkle21 this sounds amazing. It's great that you managed to juggle everything successfully. What are your top tips from your experience?

The reason why it wasn’t said was because most people are not so offensive. I mean seriously, if was a mother who was working just because she had to in order to put food on the table no one would dare say such things about childcare and attachments. But heaven forbid that a woman works because she wants to.

No one ever worries about attachment issues etc if fathers are working full time and spend less time with their DC. It's usually accepted as a norm, while there are so many considerations for a woman if she wants to hold her career while being a mother. Many of my family and friends say that career can wait and are secondary after becoming a mother. I don't agree to them, I think we can have it all if we can prioritize just a handful of things which matter the most which in my case are looked after and thriving DC and my career.

This. Yes it is stressful when they are young but they (hopefully) go to bed early and are generally in the one place. As they get older the juggling gets more difficult as there are so many variables. The women I know with high flying careers all have inlaws/parents to help out . Maybe not as day to day childcare but someone to help out in an emergency or when you are really stuck. This is where it could really get tricky.

Can I also add a caveat that you can only do this if life doesn't throw you too many curve balls...I know a successful couple and one of their dc was diagnosed with a very serious condition which meant their career was derailed. You can't outsource sitting at your child's hospital bedside or dragging a teenager to A&E because they're having a mental health crisis. Obviously these things are relatively rare, just mentioning that there are certain situations which can make having a successful careers extremely difficult regardless of how much money you may have.

If you have a partner yes being single near impossible

I agree about the curveball factor.

Circa 2014, with three kids under 5, a nanny, a DH who was ‘just’ a senior associate and loads of help from my mum, mid-thirties and full of energy, it was quite doable, pretty easy and lots of chaotic fun. I even did a doctoral degree on the side.

2023- with teens and preteens, one with SEN, all 3 at different schools for valid reasons, one too anxious to travel on the bus, one at music school in London all day Saturdays, one really into golf, tutors and hobbies, endless school events, one still needing weekly OT, a housekeeper but no nanny, DH now full equity and running the team, perimenopausal fatigue, a mum with breast cancer, FIL with a degenerative neurological disorder. I’m still working in the high flying job, family life is still chaotic fun, we do just fine but we are quite often on our knees.

For us, it was so, so much easier when they were younger.

Honestly…no.

OP how old is your current child?

My husband and I are both independently ‘high fliers’ and very high earners as a result. It’s a constant juggle and we only have one child.

Its incredibly easy…before that child is of school age, hence me asking how old the one child is. School finishes 3pm. That’s a lot of time to find cover. Add 13 weeks of school holiday and random insets. More holiday. All do-able but it costs you (we manage that with 1 child. Cost for 3 would be astronomical).

Once they start school that’s an admin headache in itself and the juggle with one is much more apparent. We however both travel, can be away overnight etc. I’m the most organised of people. I have the entirety of august childcare in a diary and scheduled in by end of January type organised, to allow for work engagements. I have my mother and MIL to help weekdays and school holidays. However we also use a lot of holiday clubs outside of a normal school week.

Realistically we wouldn’t manage 2 unless one of us stepped back. The school years are relentless with being invited in to look at stuff, partake in stuff, last minute invites, time spent finding another last minute costume request, taking time off for illness, inset days, time spent doing homework, merry-go-round if parties etc etc. then there is dentists, bla bla bla. If you’re child is SEN, even more appointments.

3 kids and high flying don’t really go together without severe burn out.

My old boss had a live in au pair, think she was Spanish/Portuguese, probably the best option to enable you both to have a career

I know a few people who've got three kids and both have big careers.
They all have a nanny plus friends with nannies and kids at the same schools who acted as back up nannies.
They also have cleaners and gardeners.
The kids are all quite grown up now, and they kept on the nannies right the way through till the kids went to sixth form. The nannies became housekeepers really, and took on loads of the mental load of parenting - much more than just nannying. They paid their nannies v well because they were so valuable to them.
Also most the people I know in this situation had reached a level of seniority that brought with it some flexibility before they had the third child.

Having two kids vs 1 is a whole different thing. It’s far far easier with 1. I’ve got two and the thought of having 3 makes me feel like I’m getting PTSD 😅
Sometimes you’ll have an easy kid but what if both are really hard work and are always getting sick etc or have behavioural issues etc… Have your 2nd first then re-evaluate. I only wanted one but I’m glad we have two now.
Having 3 kids is so much harder as you need to change cars, holidays are far more expensive as most cater for 2 parents and 2 kids. Everything becomes far more complicated. Personally I wouldn’t have more kids if you still want to be able to do things. I’ve already found that I can’t do half the things I used to be able to do after 2 kids vs 1. 1 kid feels like a breeze now after having my 2nd.
Both my husband and I have senior jobs but a lot of flexibility. If we didn’t it wouldn’t work as it’s ok to balance 1 kid when sick but when you have two and they are in two different locations it becomes a real logistical nightmare. I’ve got two kids one in school that’s a 30 mins round trip and another in nursery in the opposite direction. I can’t imagine adding a 3rd to the already challenging situation that we have right now 😅

I haven’t read any of the other comments.
id say have one more then see how you feel.
I find two way way harder than one. One you could slot around your life so much easier. Two is so expensive for childcare and any days out etc.
I have quite a high powered job and it is much harder with two. I’ve remained at the same level since I had my first child. Eldest is almost 5 and youngest 3.5. Twice the chance of getting illnesses and you having to stay off work etc.
so much harder to be outnumbered too!! absolutely done with 2 if I want any kind of career progression soon!!

I can so relate to this 😅 it’s when they get sick at the same time and you have no childcare cover and have to let others down. The stress grinds you down after a while!

DH and I are both city lawyers at US firms. I am on maternity leave with our second.

My hormones are currently telling me very loudly that I want a third but realistically it won’t be happening. Even with one I felt like I was short changing her by working so much. I’m sure we could make a third work by throwing money at childcare but even though I’ve gone down to four days a week and we have reliable childcare from 8-6 on the days I work it’s really hard. Sleep is a real luxury when work is busy - more than four hours a night is a real treat.

My performance at work has suffered, I still get good reviews and my work is good enough but I’ve lost that all consuming focus I had before the kids and I can’t see it returning while they are still young. As others have mentioned illnesses in particular are a killer and I’ve missed so much work because of them. I am definitely not as good an employee any more.

Perhaps when the kids are older I’ll get better again but at the moment I’m just too tired and distracted from work to care as much as I should. Add in another pregnancy (I don’t do pregnancy well, sick the whole time), maternity leave and demands of a third child and it’s not likely I’d be able to recover the career to the pre kids level.

People do it, there are partners at my firm with three kids but they all have excellent nannies and cleaners/housekeepers. I’m sure I could do that but I just don’t want to. No shade on those who do - their kids seem to thrive on it - but I want to see my kids more than they do.

I also can’t imagine having the emotional energy for three kids - but that’s not what you’re asking!

The grass is always greener though.

I grew up poor because my mum really wanted to be a SAHM and thought time together would be enough. It was miserable hearing my parents stress and fight over every little penny, going cold in the winter, not going on holidays, getting bullied for not having the latest clothes etc.

I worked my way up and didn't have DC until I was 35 to be sure we were financially comfortable and he'd have a better childhood than I did.

Op the other side is go also see if you can find out what some nannies honestly think.

I know 3 and each said they would never ever use a nanny at all for their own dc and if they had too, very bare minimum. One was nanny to celeb.one to Investment banker and traveled. One was nanny to home mum who needed extra pair of hands, she didn't find it too bad.

Also the nannies diary's book is a good read. What we can't see sometimes stays off our radar.

I am in public services, my husband is private sector. That may help for culture, also fairly female dominated. My kids were young, I went back to a more senior role after mat leave with DD (9yo), then moved again when DS (6yo) was 2 and twice again since.

@SouthLondonMum22 can totally relate to your experiences. My parents argued for pennies, never went on any holidays, no extra curriculars and wore same clothes for countless years.
Financial security is absolutely important for me and DH. We will keep working and look for options to support us to make our day to day lives easier.

Try two first before you decide on your third.

We have 3 - while I’m not totally sure what high flying means, we make a fair bit of money and have jobs with lots of responsibility.

My husbands job involves travel, but not crazy hours. Im self employed and juggle around the kids needs. The flexibility aspect is crucial. As other have said there is always odd things popping up.

Simply we both just work really hard, it’s a lot.. but it’s doable, we are very efficient and make compromises on what you can do with them and for your self. It’s totally worth it most days 😂 Balls can get dropped.

We have recently switched them to an independent school, much more is done in house. Which helps a lot.

As others have said, have a second and see. And if you don’t feel done, you might find the comprises you need to make become easier to make.

Probably be shot down but I always find it baffling when those that love and value their big demanding time sucking dual careers have more than two kids.

I work with an extraordinary woman who has 3 kids. She is an academic, medical consultant, holds various fellowships and chairs. She travels a lot and is on call. No idea how she manages it all, but she does. She’s also an incredibly kind and supportive colleague. Brilliant brilliant woman!