Can you have a high flying career with 3 children

[Yepop]

I am posting here for traffic and getting some perspective on this.
I have a DC and TTC another soon, I feel I would like a third DC but DH thinks it would be difficult to manage with both of us working full time and no family support.
I am focussed and ambitious person and want to have a good career ahead. I am in a decent leadership role at my organisation and hope to climb the career ladder further in next 3-4 years.
Just want to get some perspective on whether in my sort of situation maintaining a career with 3 DC would be possible or I might be better off with 2. Also, me and DH are mid thirties.

It surely depends on how you want to raise your children surely? No right or wrong about this. My mum had a high flying career out of necessity (single mum for a lot of my childhood) so didn’t get back until 6-7 at night. I hated that she wasn’t home when I got home from school. I hated my friend’s mums were there to greet them at the school gates and I went home on my own. I hated she was tired in the evening. (She hated it also but needs must at the time). I always swore when I had kids I would be there and so I have a good career but have always worked part time so I could be home by 5 every day. My husbands does long hours. Now that is me. Other kids would have shrugged it off. That shaped my whole outlook and so For me to have the lifestyle that I wanted I couldn’t have a high flying career. I know others who have nanny’s and au pairs and Managed their lives around that. It works for them and they are happy. Kids are happy. I only had 2 as well so I could spend the time doing homework with them and take them to extra curriculars. But again, others run their lives differently and aren’t as bothered about it. I am only bothered as again, I missed out as I wasn’t able to be taken to anything out of school. It isn’t judgement, only you can decide. Life isn’t perfect and you might be able to manage it but some things will have to give that others can do because they made different decisions. Just take it day by day and make decisions as you go along.

Depends what you class as high flying. We have 3 under 4. DH and I both have reasonably big jobs and no local family support. Senior enough to manage our time around family demands/ juggle wfh. We have to plan our weeks to ensure one of us wfh to drop off/ pick up dc.

We have a cleaner and outsource other things that we used to spend time doing (decorating is a good current example). We eat far too many takeaways as we are too tired every evening to cook. Used to have a nanny but too many issues. If we could find a good nanny I would choose that over nursery, especially once dc start at school.

We buy max holiday possible each year.

In short, it’s a juggle but is doable. Just.

I'll be honest and say no, or at least not if you want to keep your mental health in tact. Both my dh and I are very ambitious and have 3 dc. Both very senior in our companies. I actually found it easier when the dcs were smaller and would just be shipped to breakfast club or after school club without complaint. They are all tweens and teens now and it's far far harder. I'm teetering on the edge most days. I wouldn't recommend!

This is how I feel too as I posted upthread. In the end we've made the decision that DP's career gets priority. I work hard at my job but am not actively seeking promotion as I don't have the time or mental bandwidth on top of 3 DC. I also agree with it being easier when they're younger and in FT childcare.

I know that in a way it's also because I try to replicate my own childhood (SAHM who prepared beautiful meals from scratch everyday, home baking, spotless house etc) AND work hard in a pretty demanding FT job. I suppose if I could let go of domestic perfection and also wanting to just be present to support my DC (emotionally, academically etc) and just be a bit more pragmatic to let some of this stuff go, I might find it easier.

Nope.
We’re all different, with different ideals and different circumstances, but you asked for opinions.
I think if both partners have demanding careers then you need a good network of help to even manage one or two children effectively.
you mentioned childcare but the more children you have, the higher the number of illnesses and appointments and childcare can’t cover that. It’s just life. In my experience you would end up very stressed and it’s not worth it.
Also, children seem to need parents more as they get older, not something I ever realized when we mine were little.
For context; I’ve just taken a step down for my own sanity and work term times in a job I don’t have to think about outside of work. My husband works away- a lot- and we have three children.

Yes, if you have access to childcare/money for childcare and don't mind barely ever seeing them.

I think it depends on so many factors. Dh and I have reached the point in our careers where we’ve proven ourselves and are able to work flexibly around dc so we can attend school things etc. so I do mostly feel we have a good balance (until I threw I’m doing masters - that was stupid but I’ll be done in about a year and my dc will get me back). Mind you, we’re not high flying by mn standards but £120k income between the two of us.

It’s hard unless you have a supportive partner picking up the slack or great family support. Unfortunately that’s often not the case for women.

I used to be a nursery worker near several hospitals, we often had doctor's kids in from when the nursery opened at 6.30am all the way up until we closed at 7pm. 6 days a week. You can do it, but you sacrifice spending any time with your kids really. I'm not sure why they had kids when they never saw them.

Saddest part was when they came to pick the kids up and the little ones would cry LEAVING the nursery workers, because they spent more time with the workers than their own parents.

My friend had a very well-off mum who worked very long hours in her beloved career to provide for them growing up, all well and good but my friend said she would've rather they'd been poorer in a nice little flat than having her mum working her fancy career and she never really saw her mum growing up. She said she never knew why her mum bothered having her when the career came first.

Of course you can, especially if that big job means you can afford the support you need at home and with your kids. It’s much more about whether you want that, and if you do, whether you want to do it all at the same moment, in terms of having another baby and making another big career move. I always though the big job would be really important to me, but now I’m here I’m happy to make sideways moves around my fairly senior (deputy director) level while my kids are younger and wait out to make the bigger executive move later when my family is ready. I’m also finding that broadening my experience in that way is really enjoyable, and I certainly don’t feel held back or like I’m standing still. Context wise: we are late 30s, 2 DC (9&6) and expecting no3. I am the main earner, we both work full time in jobs that give us a bit of flexibility for school events, pick ups etc. and we earn enough to live comfortably even if some luxuries we’d like are out of reach.

I’m a single parent so slightly different but I definitely cannot have a high flying career with kids.

All of the high flying jobs I’ve seen requires unsociable hours or travelling/overnight trips.

I think if you already have a high flying career then it would be easy to continue, as you’d already have the experience and money and be able to get a nanny or something.

But I don’t think it would be possible to start from the bottom and work your way up with young kids, as most childcare isn’t available In unsociable hours and is expensive.

I think this is why so many couples have 1 person who has a high flying career and the other doesn’t because someone needs to look after the kids.

I'd wait a while and see how you feel after two, particularly after your eldest starts school. In many respects it's easiest before they start school to juggle everything. They're in nursery 7.30am-6pm (or thereabouts), and that's that, unless they're ill. But when they start school it's a whole different ball game. Who will be available to be in thay assembly you've been invited to because your child has won the termly award? Who will be available to go to the "meet the teacher" event? Sports day? The Xmas performance? With three kids, with all those things on different days for different year groups, it's a lot. It may seem like it's not compulsory to attend these things, but for the kids who don't have anyone there it's so sad, you can tell they're so disappointed. Are your jobs sufficiently flexible to allow for the necessary time off? Paid childcare can't replicate the presence of a parent. If they're not, it'll be easier to juggle this between your DH if you just have two children.

Why don’t you see how you manage with two first and then discuss. Also you may have twins next time in which case it would be a moot point! I guess what I’m saying is it’s too early to be disagreeing over this when you haven’t even had a second yet!

I have no idea what the answer is op because I feel there are so many variables. I have 2. Things I would urge you to consider are: Vehicles, do you need 3 car seats side by side? Holidays, you will be limited with 3 as many hotels only provide 2 additional beds in family rooms. Splitting yourself between 3 children and getting one to one time. Also clubs, what if one wants to do gymnastics one wants to do football and the other basketball ball but they all happen on Saturday morning - who has to miss out? I find all of this hard enough to juggle with two children but I have a friend who has 3 who are all girls and all do the same clubs. Also think ahead to future costs, university, weddings, cars etc. It will come around before you know it.

@Pantherbinks are you in civil services? How old were your kids when you became DD?

I know a few families whereby both parents work and like many have said, there is a cost if grandparents are not around. A nanny or au pair works better, and I have a few friends that have taken on roles as au pair. The children do not see the “childcare” as replacement parents; yes they form a bond, but they know who their parents are.

Many children take pride in what their parents do for work. As long as you priories family time equally.

The families I know are in a privilege position to have flexible working; the ability to delegate tasks to team members or run their own business; and prioritise their children’s school events etc.

Yes it can go wrong if you are never around. Cannot make sacrifices every now and then (e.g. I’ve worked throughout my DDs life - I only have 1 though - and I would pick her Christmas play over a work Christmas party - and I have worked in environments where I’ve had bosses that respect that we show up for our children). I managed to get involved in PTA and weekends are strictly for family.

It’s hard. But doable.

’The problem?’ Caring for their children? So basically they had children only to not actually be there to care for them? I’m sure children would rather spend time with their parents rather than be bothered about having a lot of money and things.

I agree. I was looking for this sort of response and surprised not to come across any in the first page or two of comments.

I think the key thing for me would be to progress while keeping flexibility for my DC. I feel like I need to progress in career while DC are young and then have more time when they are pre-teens and teens. Appreciate all the responses.

Though I wanted to say that the men aren't expected to think and plan so far ahead about having a career and growing the family. So, life does still feels unfair for women.

@Yepop I just came on to say exactly this. Working mother is a common term but you never hear working father.

For what it's worth, we've got 3 and reasonably 'high flying' jobs - whatever that means. We don't outsource anything. My home is clean but never pristine. I can live with that. We eat out too often but I'm alright with that too.

We work flexibly where we can. Kids go to after school club and have activities. I don't see this as outsourcing parenting by any means - but if it means that I can work until 5 before collecting them then I will. At our school there are very few children whose parents are there to collect them everyday. We pick up 3/5 days and drop off every day by flexing hours, moving lunch breaks etc but are lucky enough to be working from home for the majority of the time. We did have family help but since a cancer diagnosis this has understandably stopped.

People can only offer advice on their own experiences. All I would say is - you can absolutely do anything you want to do and forge the life and career you desire. It's all about picking the things that are important to you and juggling to make it happen. Is it hard? Absolutely. Is it worth it? For me, every time.

I have 4 DC and tried to have a proper career (leadership team role) within a large national organisation. I lasted 18 months and now have a lovely, easy, but much less of a 'career' type role. DH has a well paid job that is easy to him - very specific financial services role - and has flexible WFH hours and it still wasn't enough.

Our eldest has just started secondary school and is needing an awful lot of support. It's very draining and I couldn't have done it in my old job. The more kids you have, the more chance of something going askew - illness, bullying, random school events, mental health issues, last-minute Co op dash for food tech ingredients....

Logistically the nursery years are the easy years. Expensive, yes, but you drop them off in ONE place, for 51 weeks a year. School is a completely different kettle of fish.

Of course you can, especially if that big job means you can afford the support you need at home and with your kids.

But you’d need to be already quite high in your career to be able to afford flexible childcare, usually a nanny that can work unsociable hours.

I think it’s very difficult to start at the bottom of the career ladder and work your way up once you’ve already got kids.

I think you'd need a good nanny. I believe nannies can still look after your children if the children are sick. Also you won't have drop offs and pick ups to do which will give you more freedom.

I have a lovely nanny who looked after my DC and we have a good bonding with her. I have a cleaner and I am already in a middle management role with high chances of progression. My current role has enough flexibility and I can manage my diary to fit around my commitment to DC.