Can you have a high flying career with 3 children

[Yepop]

I am posting here for traffic and getting some perspective on this.
I have a DC and TTC another soon, I feel I would like a third DC but DH thinks it would be difficult to manage with both of us working full time and no family support.
I am focussed and ambitious person and want to have a good career ahead. I am in a decent leadership role at my organisation and hope to climb the career ladder further in next 3-4 years.
Just want to get some perspective on whether in my sort of situation maintaining a career with 3 DC would be possible or I might be better off with 2. Also, me and DH are mid thirties.

I’ve got 3 girls, two primary and one teenage. I’ve accepted that my career has to take a back seat because I think children would ideally have a parent around after school the majority of the time although I realise this is not always possible. There is so much stuff to talk about, coach them through. More and more girls in their teens are ending up with major mental health problems, it’s made me realise how you need to be around to pick up on potential issues. Being super busy which you end up being with two high flying careers and 3 kids creates anxiety, stress and potentially missing important cues which only you might spot as a parent.

Don't think you can have two career focus adults and 3 kids (2 might be a struggle already) unless you pay a full time nanny. But what's the point of having kids then?

I agree with this. There are lots of logistical challenges with older kids ( this week it’s sixth form open evenings x3 for us, so DH will have to work from home, plus shipping one to a singing course in london, hosting a play date, and various golf lessons, coursework to complete and a hundred other lifts to give, another day in London, war syringing, meals to cook at different times, as bd three haircuts).

But while you can pay through the nose to outsource taxi, cooking and other parenting services, you can’t outsource the emotional support they might need. Older kids really, really need available adults. It sometimes feels you are sort-of waiting on standby as they sail through life, but when they need you, and your time, and your emotional resources, boy do they need it.

I think you will need a paid full time nanny to be a high flyer at work and to be happy that your kids' needs are being met. We have three and it is relentless. My wife doesn't work, but she can't do it all on her own, so I am very involved and it has affected my career progress. Once people at work know you are a carer, their perception shifts. It is very hard to pull it back. Loads of unconscious bias is triggered about what you want from work and what you are able to do. I've seen this as a man and think it is far worse for women sadly. It's a trope but it is true that having it all means doing it all and that leads to burnout in the end.

I think you will probably decide once you have 2.... you'd have to be prepared to spend v little time with them, which then might make you wonder why bother.

I think it's possible when they are young with good childcare, but I have found it much harder as they've got older. With extracurricular activities, helping with homework, helping with exam revision, helping them navigate the world, being there to listen and act like a counsellor etc, I have far less free time than I ever did when they were small.

I think it depends what you mean by "high flying careers".

DH and I are both quite senior in our chosen careers. We have 3 (now adult) dc. We have never had any childcare support or back up from family.

I’m in mid/early 30s as well, I started work in my current organisation almost 9 years ago and since starting I had 3 kids, youngest one just under 2 now. My first role was analyst and I have been promoted 3 times now with 2 most recent promotions being either right after coming back to work from maternity leave (child number 2) and while on maternity leave (child number 3, I got another job offer while on leave). I’m a senior manager now and really happy with the work I do. We have minimum support from family as well (although still there in case of emergencies). We do have strong community around school and preschool though which is really useful in case of something unexpectedly coming up at work or at home.

Is it easy? No, it’s crazy hard work and you really need both parents committed to support each other on that journey. We share pick ups and drops fairly evenly, working sometimes funny hours, but it is doable.

The most important thing though is that I finally feel that our family is complete. When I look back at last 9 years, the best memories I have are with my children. Work is just work at the end of the day and not worth sacrificing your family plans over it. If you’re good at what you’re doing, you will eventually achieve your goals.

I have what I guess would be considered a ‘high flying job’ and I have 3 kids (7 and under), including one with SEN. We also live overseas so have no family around.

We make it work (just) because:

• we have an amazing nanny, plus we outsource stuff like cleaning, ironing, gardening etc
• my husband’s job definitely comes second - he earns significantly less than me but has much more flexibility. If a child needs taking to a doctor’s appointment or picking up from a playdate, 9 times out of 10, it’s him who does it

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Sure you can! Look at Helena Morrissey. She's got 9 children, makes 3 look like a picnic. I think her husband did agree to stay at home after the fourth, though.

I have a friend with three children, eldest just started primary. They both have very high pressure well paid jobs. Beautiful home and lifestyle. And a full time nanny. They say they couldn't do it without her. She comes in the morning at 7 and stays until after the kids have had their tea and mum and or dad have finished for the day. If your job is more regular hours you could do it with nursery and wraparound care. You also need to have a supportive partner, as if you're both working full pelt, full time, you don't want to be lumbered with everything at home too or you'll probably want to kill him 😉

it reminds when people say it all gets easier when they start school! No it doesn’t! When my kids were small it was so easy to keep career going. Now they are much older it is getting them to sport after school, organising and ferrying to music lessons, sports matches etc. sometimes one of them has an important match during the school day so I have to rejig my day to be able to go. I sit with them helping to test them most nights and also have to help with match etc. it becomes so full on and there is no way they want anyone but me to help them so that is when an extra person wouldn’t be able to help. I have found it much much harder now they are older to juggle it all and not collapse under the load. That is even with an immensely supportive partner.

2 was my limit due to DH and I being career focused. They're coming up to teen age now and I have no regrets, they need you differently as they get older, it's not as difficult in terms of hands on care, but mentally it is a balance to manage career, yourself and their various activities and emotional support so I am more sure than ever 2 was the right number.

Have two before you think
About three.

Pay well for a decent nanny

I have three and a career that is pretty full on - but crucially, quite flexible and always involved a lot of working at home.

I think whether of not it’s manageable is mainly down to 3 things - who your partner is (how much they can help and support you), how much external support you have (extended family/childcare), and how ‘demanding’ your kids are.

I have two of the three - hands on DH, kids who are quite easy - but no external support/childcare at all. This could be tricky when they were younger, but we made it work - whereas one couple with three I know (journalist and lawyer) REALLY struggled and the mum eventually had to give up work. I do think someone has to ‘keep the home fires burning’ to an extent and it becomes challenging if both parents are out at the office 12 hours a day, even if you have amazing childcare.