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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can you have a high flying career with 3 children

266 replies

Yepop · 13/10/2023 13:04

I am posting here for traffic and getting some perspective on this.
I have a DC and TTC another soon, I feel I would like a third DC but DH thinks it would be difficult to manage with both of us working full time and no family support.
I am focussed and ambitious person and want to have a good career ahead. I am in a decent leadership role at my organisation and hope to climb the career ladder further in next 3-4 years.
Just want to get some perspective on whether in my sort of situation maintaining a career with 3 DC would be possible or I might be better off with 2. Also, me and DH are mid thirties.

OP posts:
JLM1981 · 15/10/2023 22:17

We have 4 children. Both work in Education (me part time DH full time) so having the school holidays off makes it easier for us than most. We also have grandparents that provide most of the childcare. We use a childminder for around 30%. So we are fortunate to pay less than the average. I think it would be much harder and stressful if we both worked full time. Especially as they get older and you add in all the clubs and extra curricular.

Many of my working friends have 2 or 3 children and manage the same. Wait until you have two then see how you feel. Good luck 😄

Happilyobtuse · 16/10/2023 05:57

In my experience if you have a job like a doctor or solicitor etc. then you aren’t too affected by taking time off to have kids. But in corporate jobs if you take time out to have 3 kids you will definitely be impacted and won’t get as much career growth as anyone who doesn’t take so much time off for maternity. Also when kids are small even with enough money to throw at the problem when kids fall ill you will need a lot of support. Since you mention no family support, I think you are underestimating how difficult it is going to be. Once one kid falls ill, the others usually follow suit! The early years are hellish with regards sleep and demands on your time. I have 2 DC and no family here and have really struggled to juggle both work and family life. Also childcare fees are very high so depending on how many kids you have in nursery at the same time it could become exorbitant. Most people try to space their kids out so that they only have one in nursery at a time. For example if you had 3 kids in full time nursery it would cost you approx. £3750 per month at our nursery. Plus additional help/childcare help if you hire a nanny for support when they are ill atleast minimum £80 a day. Keeping all that in mind unless you are a very high earner it is not cost effective and you will be physically and mentally shattered from juggling it all.

Sandalholidays12 · 16/10/2023 06:01

@Happilyobtuse you can't just not go to work as a Doctor or a solicitor to be honest I think its worse than corporate. You would defo need a lot of help to cover kids sick days. Your right about kids following suit and all getting ill... usually as one is getting better the rest come down with it.

Pipsquiggle · 16/10/2023 06:12

You've already had some great advice

All my friends who have high flying careers and 3+ DC have nannies and then private schools which have great wraparound care

Happilyobtuse · 16/10/2023 06:20

Sandalholidays12 · Today 06:01

@Happilyobtuse you can't just not go to work as a Doctor or a solicitor to be honest I think its worse than corporate. You would defo need a lot of help to cover kids sick days. Your right about kids following suit and all getting ill... usually as one is getting better the rest come down with it.

@Sandalholidays12 - I didn’t mean doctors and solicitors don’t need to go to work, I just mean that if you are in one of these careers you are less affected in terms of career progression. In corporate take 3 years off and you will not be in line for promotion etc compared to male colleagues/other female colleagues who haven’t taken time off. For example if you are a doctor you might take a few years longer but you will become a consultant and get the higher paying salary, no such guarantees in Corporate.

SouthLondonMum22 · 16/10/2023 06:35

Happilyobtuse · 16/10/2023 05:57

In my experience if you have a job like a doctor or solicitor etc. then you aren’t too affected by taking time off to have kids. But in corporate jobs if you take time out to have 3 kids you will definitely be impacted and won’t get as much career growth as anyone who doesn’t take so much time off for maternity. Also when kids are small even with enough money to throw at the problem when kids fall ill you will need a lot of support. Since you mention no family support, I think you are underestimating how difficult it is going to be. Once one kid falls ill, the others usually follow suit! The early years are hellish with regards sleep and demands on your time. I have 2 DC and no family here and have really struggled to juggle both work and family life. Also childcare fees are very high so depending on how many kids you have in nursery at the same time it could become exorbitant. Most people try to space their kids out so that they only have one in nursery at a time. For example if you had 3 kids in full time nursery it would cost you approx. £3750 per month at our nursery. Plus additional help/childcare help if you hire a nanny for support when they are ill atleast minimum £80 a day. Keeping all that in mind unless you are a very high earner it is not cost effective and you will be physically and mentally shattered from juggling it all.

You can get around that by taking a shorter maternity leave. Of course, if you want to take a year out with each child, that's fine but it isn't mandatory.

Drfosters · 16/10/2023 08:58

Bloomingmagnolia · 15/10/2023 21:27

I work with an extraordinary woman who has 3 kids. She is an academic, medical consultant, holds various fellowships and chairs. She travels a lot and is on call. No idea how she manages it all, but she does. She’s also an incredibly kind and supportive colleague. Brilliant brilliant woman!

But i bet if you asked her if she ‘had it all’ she’d probably say no as she clearly can’t be there for her children that much during the week. That isn’t meant to be mean but you just can’t be in 2 places at once. But the point is if she is happy with that arrangement and her kids are happy with the external childcare (or maybe she has fab grandparents) then for her family that would work. For myself, I love being at home for my kids after school as i didn’t have that myself and I would be very depressed being apart from them when they got home from school. I hated having au pairs myself and longed for my mum to be that school gates. Everybody has different careers and has completely different experiences in childhood which shape their outlook so there is no right answer to whether someone can have lots of children and still have a high flying career as what works for one person wouldn’t work for another.

FolkSongSweet · 16/10/2023 09:13

@Happilyobtuse I’m not sure why you think that solicitors aren’t impacted by time out of the office. I’m a solicitor and my mat leaves have absolutely affected my career.

Saying that, I took 12 months both times and would do again.

Simplehi · 16/10/2023 10:17

I don't really think 2 to 3 will really make much difference, as long as you can afford the childcare. Plenty of women have high flying careers with multiple children, my CEO for example is about to have her 4th.

Hilly7 · 16/10/2023 10:23

Why on earth would you want to have a 3rd child if you can't take the time to raise it and spend the time with it in the early years

SacAMain · 16/10/2023 10:41

I think it's sad if you miss out on your kids childhood. It goes ridiculously fast.

I wouldn't call a 9 to 5 a "high flying career", nothing wrong with a perfectly decent job, but top careers come with high commitments. We are always compared to men, fine, how many men would you describe having "high flying careers" but a 9 to 5 or short compressed hours? It's not talking about the same thing as having a job.

You CAN have a career and 3 children, but you can't be in 2 places at once. Something has to be prioritised.

Happilyobtuse · 16/10/2023 11:03

FolkSongSweet · 16/10/2023 09:13

@Happilyobtuse I’m not sure why you think that solicitors aren’t impacted by time out of the office. I’m a solicitor and my mat leaves have absolutely affected my career.

Saying that, I took 12 months both times and would do again.

Sorry to hear that. I am in corporate and have had my career really take a bad hit. My friends who are doctors and solicitors have not had the same issues hence I used that as examples. This is probably more true for doctors in the NHS as it is fixed career progression. As long as you complete training and your exams you move to the next level. And with that comes higher pay. Might not be true for all.

SquishingWell · 16/10/2023 11:34

I would see how it goes with 2 to begin with

SouthLondonMum22 · 16/10/2023 11:49

SacAMain · 16/10/2023 10:41

I think it's sad if you miss out on your kids childhood. It goes ridiculously fast.

I wouldn't call a 9 to 5 a "high flying career", nothing wrong with a perfectly decent job, but top careers come with high commitments. We are always compared to men, fine, how many men would you describe having "high flying careers" but a 9 to 5 or short compressed hours? It's not talking about the same thing as having a job.

You CAN have a career and 3 children, but you can't be in 2 places at once. Something has to be prioritised.

It really depends on the career.

In more areas than you may think, a senior role comes with more flexibility such as working from home, compressed hours or even having control of your entire schedule.

As for the comparison to men, that's because men are allowed to have these high flying careers without anyone telling them how sad it is that they miss out on their kids childhood or that it goes so fast or that they don't raise their children. It is aimed at women 99% of the time and is blatant sexism.

Original poster
Yepop · 16/10/2023 12:19

My take from Lots of helpful comments are to see how we feel after having the second and not try to plan ahead for the third which I think is sensible.

OP posts:
SylvieLaufeydottir · 16/10/2023 12:40

Also, don't rely on the comments about au pairs. Brexit killed au pairing stone dead. It's almost impossible to get an AP legally these days.

MargotBamborough · 16/10/2023 12:46

I have two and have reluctantly decided to stop at two for all the reasons people are referring to in this thread.

SacAMain · 16/10/2023 12:51

SouthLondonMum22 · 16/10/2023 11:49

It really depends on the career.

In more areas than you may think, a senior role comes with more flexibility such as working from home, compressed hours or even having control of your entire schedule.

As for the comparison to men, that's because men are allowed to have these high flying careers without anyone telling them how sad it is that they miss out on their kids childhood or that it goes so fast or that they don't raise their children. It is aimed at women 99% of the time and is blatant sexism.

Show quote history

Men or women are "allowed" to have any high flying careers they want. They'd equally miss out and are not raising their children themselves. Nothing sexist about it.

The OP happens to be the mother, so answers are directed to her. She said herself her own husband thinks it would be difficult to manage.

Having control of your schedule and flexibility works only to a point. You might be able to take sports day off, or work from home on the day of the kids nativity, but flexibility is not part-time. Work still needs to be done, and again you can't be in 2 places at once, being the mum or the dad.

You don't drop all existing plans because a child gets sick.

Dogsandbabies · 16/10/2023 12:57

We have 4. I have always worked full time and have also always progressed my career and earn very well. DP and I are both high earners. We have no family support at all due to distance. We make it work. It isn't easy and it is at times very stressful but between us we manage to do well at work and also keep the children happy. They do activities, we really cherish weekends and we have managed to never miss a show/assembly/parents evening.

Saying all this the single most important thing is that we share the workload equally. When the children are ill for example I am not the default parent that takes time off. We look at schedules and we decide who is best placed.

XelaM · 16/10/2023 13:00

SacAMain · 16/10/2023 12:51

Men or women are "allowed" to have any high flying careers they want. They'd equally miss out and are not raising their children themselves. Nothing sexist about it.

The OP happens to be the mother, so answers are directed to her. She said herself her own husband thinks it would be difficult to manage.

Having control of your schedule and flexibility works only to a point. You might be able to take sports day off, or work from home on the day of the kids nativity, but flexibility is not part-time. Work still needs to be done, and again you can't be in 2 places at once, being the mum or the dad.

You don't drop all existing plans because a child gets sick.

Show quote history

And then people get upset on other Mumsnet threads that some people earn so much more money than they do and can afford a much nicer lifestyle 🤷‍♀️

Whether I'm working in care for minimum wage or working in an office/from home I would still have to work to live and support my kids and would still have to juggle - just for a lot less money.

MargotBamborough · 16/10/2023 13:03

Dogsandbabies · 16/10/2023 12:57

We have 4. I have always worked full time and have also always progressed my career and earn very well. DP and I are both high earners. We have no family support at all due to distance. We make it work. It isn't easy and it is at times very stressful but between us we manage to do well at work and also keep the children happy. They do activities, we really cherish weekends and we have managed to never miss a show/assembly/parents evening.

Saying all this the single most important thing is that we share the workload equally. When the children are ill for example I am not the default parent that takes time off. We look at schedules and we decide who is best placed.

That last part is really important.

If you want to have a high flying career and have children, the number of children you have is less important than whether your children's other parent sees your job as being of equal worth to their own and is willing to pull their weight accordingly.

Jeevesnotwooster · 16/10/2023 13:10

I wasn't particularly happy juggling high flying career (partner in city law firm) with 1 child. Had no family support and partner worked (although not high flying). I really wasn't that happy outsourcing childcare.
I'm mid tier now but might ramp up now kids are older. But honestly I don't especially want to do 12-14 working days again

hotpotlover · 16/10/2023 13:26

I think the problem is that people think high flying career = working much more than people with average careers.

That's not necessarily the case.

In my old company, people that I considered having high flying careers (managing director, finance director ect) arrived punctually in the morning and clocked out on time in the afternoon like everyone else.

I think they even had more flexibility at that level.

We had International visitors over one day and my boss asked me: "Can you take them out for dinner in the evening? I need to take my son to football practice"

SouthLondonMum22 · 16/10/2023 13:28

SacAMain · 16/10/2023 12:51

Men or women are "allowed" to have any high flying careers they want. They'd equally miss out and are not raising their children themselves. Nothing sexist about it.

The OP happens to be the mother, so answers are directed to her. She said herself her own husband thinks it would be difficult to manage.

Having control of your schedule and flexibility works only to a point. You might be able to take sports day off, or work from home on the day of the kids nativity, but flexibility is not part-time. Work still needs to be done, and again you can't be in 2 places at once, being the mum or the dad.

You don't drop all existing plans because a child gets sick.

Show quote history

Of course it’s sexist. Mothers are judged much, much harshly than fathers because the assumption is that they become the default parent.

Juggling has to happen no matter what if both parents are working but the juggling can be less so if both parents are in senior roles with more flexibility than they would have if they weren’t in senior roles which was my point.

amiboverd · 16/10/2023 13:31

You should have an idea yourself if this is possible. Do you have childcare? Nursery? I work in what some may confuse a high flying career role and have one DC. I know what I'm prepared and able to do and what I'm not. Will you need to work late? Do you want to? Will your OH career enable this as in maybe some nights you do pick up and he works late and other times you do it.