Can you have a high flying career with 3 children

[Yepop]

I am posting here for traffic and getting some perspective on this.
I have a DC and TTC another soon, I feel I would like a third DC but DH thinks it would be difficult to manage with both of us working full time and no family support.
I am focussed and ambitious person and want to have a good career ahead. I am in a decent leadership role at my organisation and hope to climb the career ladder further in next 3-4 years.
Just want to get some perspective on whether in my sort of situation maintaining a career with 3 DC would be possible or I might be better off with 2. Also, me and DH are mid thirties.

It isn't outsourcing parenting though, is it? Part of being a parent is making sure your child is cared for well if both parents are working.

Nurseries, childminders etc care for children but they aren't parenting them. They don't do everything that parents are expected to do such as provide for them financially.

@SouthLondonMum22 you seem to have only focused on one part of my post. To answer your question though inrelation to OP which was "high flying" yes it is absolutely outsourcing when there's 2 parents working a stressful/high powered job.

I don't really think its comparable someone earning 45k and sending their child to a nursery lots of people have to do that of course they do. However what OP is asking is more of a CHOICE. You don't have to agree just sharing my own thoughts here.

All I can tell you is that both my parents had careers and travelled and both my brother and I have a fantastic relationship with them. I am honestly always thinking how blessed I am to have such wonderful parents.

As I said up-thread, I've been a single parent with a high flying career in the City and my teenage daughter and I have a super close relationship. She's honestly turning into a super-teen. I also need to keep my career to get her through private school and finance her equestrian showjumping career dreams 😬 I couldn't do this if I stayed at home.

Of course you can.

Perhaps you mean: can you raise three healthy, happy, well adjusted children to adulthood with a high flying job?

That’s harder, but not impossible, with good fortune on your side.

@Gwendimarco you hit the nail on the head.

I've got 2 friends who have done this, big 4 companies. Both their husbands are self employed - still high earners but can possibly be a bit flexible/work from home a bit more. Both had nannies when the children were younger and both have worked 4 days a week.
It can be done but you need to have the money to facilitate it in terms of nanny, cleaner, someone to help get kids to various clubs and playdates.

I come from a large family but my DM didn't had a career and we grew up with very little. This is my motivation to do well in career and give a good life and financial security to our DC.

I just think saying it is outsourcing parenting is a short sighted view of what parenting actually is. It lasts way beyond the years of nurseries/nannies/childminders etc for a start and providing for a child financially was just an example, there's many more examples which parents and only parents are responsible for.

DH and I both have ''high flying'' careers but we can also be flexible which we've found more and more since we have progressed higher and higher so it does depend on the actual career too.

This is my motivation too. I grew up with a SAHM, always scrimping and saving, no financial security etc I want more for my DC.

Childcare providers do parent by definition. It would be a scary thought if it wasn't, in fact, outsourcing parenting - especially considering the length of time some children spend in childcare and the age at which they start. If childcare providers aren't parenting and the parents aren't parenting while they are working, then that is quite the parenting vacuum.

You can, you might need a nanny though, we found school childcare not as flexible as nursery.

However I think your husband is sensible to wait and see how it actually goes with two. I thought going from one to two would be easier from zero to one, given our lives had already changed, we knew what we were doing etc...second was a non sleeper and two is just so much more chaos. Now they have homework and clubs they want to go to in the evenings, playdates etc and it honestly feels so much more full on than when they were in nursery.

@SouthLondonMum22 to be fair that was only one part of my post wasn't it? I also pointed out that money buys choice at that level. So yes people are choosing which they are perfectly entitled to of course. I get what you mean but at that level of intense career somethings got to give with 4 DC? It's not comparable to 1 DC in the slightest.

One of my closest friends holds down a massive job with 3 young children (1 primary & 2 in nursery). Costs her a fortune in childcare - £2.5k / month. Some practical support from her DH to facilitate her travel but he does none of the mental load - she even leaves meals in the fridge when she's away.

I honestly don't know how she does it. Chores whilst WFH some days and getting up at 5am mostly I think.

I outsource caring for my child when I'm working absolutely but parenting is more than physically caring for a child.

Parenting lasts far longer than the short childcare years for a start
Parenting involves financially providing for your child, no one who cares for my DC provides for him financially
Parenting involves making many decisions for DC, including who will care for them if both parents work

They don't parent because they simply don't have all of the responsibilities of parenting.

@boomtickhouse I hope you don't mind me using your example. I find it fascinating that people want to push career goals and yet still have 3 DC. What about husband and wife time? Sounds to me it goes out of the window. I honestly don't know how some of these women do it. Hats off to them though because they obviously work incredibly hard.

Personally no. I don’t see how this works. Sure, you can have all the help in the world but the children need their parents. I was looked after nannies and extended family growing up but always missed my mum. I remember crying so much when she was leaving to go to work. My DH and I both work full time and while my job is high flying/paying/stressful it is flexible so I can be there for my child to pick them up from school/take them to play dates/do their reading and homework together and just be there. I am not shaming anyone and each to their own but I don’t want my child to grow up how I did. My DH is there when I am not so my DC always has one parent around.

I'll soon be finding out, will have 3 DC by April. Have no plans to slow down my career.

@SouthLondonMum22 hats off to you. Oh you will find out but likely not till teen years though that's what I'm getting at. You can use a nanny and all the nurseries in the world as I sent my own DS to nursery so not against them in the slightest. I think the teen years require a more hands on approach for better phrasing. There's a lot of troubled teens and sometimes I wonder why.

We currently pay £2.3k/month for one DC! Paying for three DC's is going to be a massive outgoing for the short term when they need full time care.

I don't know. I grew up with a SAHM and it's partly why I wouldn't be one, I felt suffocated as a teen but then my mum was too hands on I think.

Like I said before, it also depends on the actual career. For both DH and I, more progression comes with more flexibility, not less so we can both be quite flexible.

That's 82,000 per year wow!

@SouthLondonMum22 it's all about balance. I'm not suggesting women must stay at home and not go to work. Not at all I was itching to go back to work after 9 months. So I understand we all make different choices and hope for the best.

@SouthLondonMum22 as you said, I have found the more senior we get, it gets easier to manage work calendar and more control over our time. I am trying to move up career ladder while DC are younger so I have more free time when they are teenagers.

I think what you need to be thinking about most, which not many others have mentioned, is how your plan would impact upon the emotional wellbeing of your children.
PP's speak about children like they are just parcels which can just be passed from pillar to post, person to person.

In the potential situation you are speaking of, i struggle to see how you could ever manage to give them what they need primarily from YOU- time, attention and care, because sometimes little kids just want and need their mummy.They shouldn't be in a situation where they are spending most of their lives in childcare and barely any time with their parents.That can be really damaging for attachments.

You sound like you are already financially comfortable, and if you want to have multiple children i think you should be willing to commit the duration of their young childhoods to ensuring their needs for time with you are prioritised.

Then wait until they are older and more independent, and have the high flying career then.

Does that apply to both parents or just mothers?

With some careers, it isn't possible to just dip in and out when you fancy and a gap or even just going part time would make it incredibly difficult to continue to progress which like I've said above, can actually give you more flexibility in some industries.

Mine is intense, fast paced and male dominated. You have to keep up or get out basically, especially when you are competing with some men who have wives at home that do everything for them.