Can you have a high flying career with 3 children

[Yepop]

I am posting here for traffic and getting some perspective on this.
I have a DC and TTC another soon, I feel I would like a third DC but DH thinks it would be difficult to manage with both of us working full time and no family support.
I am focussed and ambitious person and want to have a good career ahead. I am in a decent leadership role at my organisation and hope to climb the career ladder further in next 3-4 years.
Just want to get some perspective on whether in my sort of situation maintaining a career with 3 DC would be possible or I might be better off with 2. Also, me and DH are mid thirties.

Yes, that is Option 2 - buy in help.

Course you can. 3 DC, three years from oldest to youngest, no family support, two careers doing really well. Never used a nanny, just nursery.

I've found being senior is much easier as I have more control over my calendar, same with DH. We both make time to do tea/bedtime etc, I do compressed hours so just do a lot of work when they're in bed (and have a day off a week to spend with them).

Love my life, and all my DCs, wouldn't change it for the world.

Oh and in response to PP- my children get plenty of attention, time and care. I'd say my sacrifice is friends - I probably only speak proper time with them (IE without DC) once every 3 or 4 weeks. Very happy to make this sacrifice though.

So they didn't really do the parenting themselves then?

Agreed.
Having raised young children alone whilst working hard I can say that even though I'm not working now the teenage years are harder than ever

Agreed.

It took me a long time to realise this, I burnt out trying to 'have it all' and do it all. My kids needed me more.

It depends how much time either or both parents can give the children if they never/rarely see their parents and paid help is doing it all is it best for the children? If you can be there enough and give time when needed listen to them about their days etc then go for it

I don't think people on this thread realise that (in most careers) the more senior you are the MORE flexibility you have. Also, most careers allow hybrid/WFH set ups, so saying the kids would never see the parents is ridiculous. I work from hime some of the week and still drive my daughter to her sport after school and we spend plenty of time together.

Depends on your household income, industry you’re in and crucially how your husband is prepared to lean in - and on the latter point it sounds like your husband is not prepared to make career sacrifices so you will find it tough on that front.

The other thing I would recommend is not taking long maternity leaves. Having 3 years out in a 7-8 year period in your thirties will impact both your progression and your ability to run an equal household.

Id also not worry about people cautioning you about the teen years. They are over a decade away and if you progress well in your career you will have much more flex and ability to structure your own working day, and you may also wish to work differently then. Solve today’s problems, not tomorrows.

Also ignore silly posters who tell you who don’t parent your kids if you work. It is totally possible to have a senior career and be an active parent to your children - I and many other women do it. It does require sacrifice - for me I have traded off on exercise and my social life - but most things that are valuable aren’t easy.

You sound like you are very organised, not an overthinker or an over worrier - so I’d say yes you could have 3 kids, given that you can also afford the extra domestic help you’d need.

However if your DH isn’t up for it, I wouldn’t fight that. It will be more demanding and expensive with 3, and you don’t want to have it sitting there as a bone of contention.

Park the thought till your second is a year old if you can. You might both feel differently then.

One thing you also need to consider at that point is whether it will be good for the two kids to have a sibling. There’s no doubt it will mean less time and attention from their parents.

@Mummyof287 you've raised some good points. But what stood out for me and this is OPs dilemma which is a bit odd if baby no2 isn't even here yet... but if you want to have multiple children this isn't fair on the kids. Just focus on your career if that's the case and have less DC.

We have 2 and 2 jobs and it really stretched us. What helped in the baby years was a grandparent (sadly no longer with us) and a cleaner and a nanny who would do mildly sick days- not sick enough to need a doctor but too snuffly for school. I still ended up going 4 days a week for a good while. And there was a lot of resentment over who took days off. Anyone I know with more than two has one part time job or one Sahp. In the best case I know a family who shared the Sah duties and each took a back seat at various times. But sadly that husband was an exception. A lot of men show their true colours in the trenches...

Oh and I agree with the poster who said senior careers are easier. I'm now in a lovely position of planning my diary and Wfh couple of days a week so although I'm working hard I'm able to drop Dc to evening sports, eat dinner as a family etc. But it took a lot of ground work. My early 40s are a blur...

I started having babies at 28 and finished at 36 and kept working throughout so by the time my energy started dropping in my 40s I was through the difficult early years and everyone was settled at schools etc. I don’t think I could have done 4 kids under 8 in my 40s. As for the person who suggested those like me who outsource the housekeeping don’t parent - ha! For a long time now I leave the house at 8.15 and am back 5-6. I take 11 weeks holiday a year. I wfh when I can. I can do all this because I am so senior I can organise my own working life. I work later in the evening if I need to. I haven’t had a nanny or any childcare since the youngest was 10 and could get the private school bus from the end of our road by herself. She is now 17.
So for me, having kids younger, throwing money at childcare when they were young and primary-aged, Outsourcing all housekeeping during my working life and building up my career to get me to the stage of serious flexibility for the kids teenage years has been what works. Because I agree that they need more time in teenage years and at uni not less and I am absolutely in a position to give that to them.

You can, people do do it.

You will need excellent robust child care and this will depend where you live (back up nanny/ child care agency which provides a back up if the nanny is sick) as not everywhere is covered by robust childcare solutions. Our area is not, lots of childminders and nurseries but hours are generally 7.45-5.30, 7.30-6 is absolute gold dust round us and as a result the child minder and nursery who offer it are ££ and have a waiting list, to get in the nursery you need to put name down at birth and pretty much commit to full time hours as they are so in demand.

You will need a DH who is happy to be an equal partner, for your career to fly you will need to show that DC illness/ sickness is shared burden. Even if that means DH is unpaid.

You will need to be very good at sharing the mental load of DC or employ someone who will take almost all that on for you. You are looking for much more than a nursery/ childminder you need a nanny.

You will need to outsource the housework to prevent burn out- cleaner, ironing etc. Could be easier to look for a housekeeper.

I know people who have done it, they have an au pair, live in nanny and someone who comes and batch cooks for them. I know another couple who live in a multi generational home and the grandparents take on all the child care and house stuff (it is their traditional culture to do this and in return the DC look after them in old age until death). I also know people who have 1 SAHP or very very part time job.

We opted for the SAHP role until DC get to school then I will return to the family business during school hours. I have chosen this and DH values this choice. I have never been a really ambitious career person and always wanted children and SAHM works for me. If it didn't work I would have gone back fully supported by my DH and we would pay for childcare.

You have to choose what works best for you and if you want a career then you go for it.

I’d see how you get on with 2 first- you may change your mind!

High flying = $$ to outsource childcare and cleaning etc.
Just do it. You will reap benefits down the line in $$ for life holidays supporting kids thru uni etc

In theory yea of course you can have as many as you like, but just go into it with eyes open as to practically of it. Things like cost of childcare, do you want cleaners etc for the housework which goes up the more children you have etc. so there is a financial consideration. But also just logistics, the more children you have the more times you need to cover sick day (esp when using nursery childcare over grandparents) also stuff you don’t want to miss, class assembly, parent lunches, parent evenings etc. also, I don’t want to be the voice of doom but you should think about what happens if you have a child with more needs, my second was unexpectedly born with complex ongoing health complications, we both work and have another child. My DH works in London, I am self employed, fortunately my DH can WFH/take holiday at the drop of a hat and take over my business so as not to let clients down when we have emergency admissions (it happened this week, within a hour we needed everything in place for me to spend a week in hospital). I know it’s not something anyone wants to consider, but worth a what if conversation on how logistically you would juggle, we have no family within 100 miles.

We have 3 and both have held demanding careers - what really helped for us was the fact that I built my career quickly whilst DH was at medical school and then a junior doctor so that once we started a family I was in a position to take an extended career break to give the children the benefit of having me at home with them when they were babies. Once the eldest went to school full time I then returned on a part time basis and built my hours up until I was back full time when all 3 were at school. It does take a bit of planning but it's definitely possible.

We did it without family support. However, we had a nanny, and a cleaner who had flexibility to cover for the nanny if needed, and I worked part time. If you use a nursery try and find someone who can double as a cleaner and a part time nanny.

High flying = $$ to outsource ~childcare~ parenting and cleaning etc.
Just do it. You will reap benefits down the line in $$ for life holidays supporting kids thru uni etc

I don't know about high flying career. I wouldn't describe my job as high flying, but I earn quite well and I work completely from home. My 2 kids are at nursery everyday 8-4. Nursery is in walking distance just a few streets away, which helps, so I bring them there every morning and pick them up.
My husband also works full-time, but he doesn't work from home.

Our families also live abroad.

I'm currently pregnant with my 3rd and I think we'll manage.

I think it's doable.

My kids are very balanced, happy children, despite being in nursery every day.

High flying = $$ to outsource childcare parenting and cleaning etc.
Just do it. You will reap benefits down the line in $$ for life holidays supporting kids thru uni etc

Finding appropriate childcare IS part of the responsibility as a parent if both parents work.

My relative and her husband both have good well paying careers, 3 children and no local family support. They arranged it so any out of area work trips were on alternate weeks and obviously WFH and little commute huge bonus

As with anything plan it out with eventualities
So 3 children it would make sense to have a nanny and additional house support if you can afford.

When any child is to ill for nursery/school then nanny is there to collect and care and except in real medical issues your careers can be focused on.

I'd also look at how much additional holiday you can both buy so you can factor in quality family time.

Obviously comprehensive medical and life insurance so if something were to happen to one of both of you finances were supported

Plan it all out money wise, nothing wrong with 2 high flying parents but I would advocate for a constant care giver hence the nanny