Can you have a high flying career with 3 children

[Yepop]

I am posting here for traffic and getting some perspective on this.
I have a DC and TTC another soon, I feel I would like a third DC but DH thinks it would be difficult to manage with both of us working full time and no family support.
I am focussed and ambitious person and want to have a good career ahead. I am in a decent leadership role at my organisation and hope to climb the career ladder further in next 3-4 years.
Just want to get some perspective on whether in my sort of situation maintaining a career with 3 DC would be possible or I might be better off with 2. Also, me and DH are mid thirties.

Yes.

But someone needs to look after the children on a day to day basis.

So either one parent takes on the primary role, with responsibility for sick days etc.

Or its split between both.

Or there is a full time nanny who does the day to day care.

Also think about the type of job you have. Dh and I both couldn’t have gone higher in our careers because it would have involved international travel. If you have a 9 to 5 and can work from home when you need to, it’s much easier.

DH and I both in law. i wanted 3 DC but DD2 was so hectic from the age of 2 that i didn't. We had years of live in nanny / housekeepers, plus cleaners 6-8 hours a week and both sets of grandparents near by (a lot of help from my mum). But what nobody tells you is how much they need you when they are in the teenage years. they need their parents, or many times in my case only mum - and how torn you are by that when you are by that point in a really senior position with significant job responsibilities.

For me, i'm now glad i only had 2. not sure what I'd do if i had my time again

It's good you're thinking ahead. But as someone the other side of trying to do it all with just two kids, I think you're being a little naive about how expensive this will be, how exhausting it can be managing everyone and everything, how much you'll have to compromise on work and parenting (because nobody can do both at the same time) - and most importantly, whether you actually WANT to do this.

Everyone wants to do it all. Everyone wants to be the best possible parent and the best possible [insert profession]. You very quickly realise it's not possible to do it all or have it all. Tough choices have to be made, in circumstances where you have the luxury of choosing. So, I would recommend that first you decide whether you WANT to do this, before you try calculating the financial and other costs of trying to do it.

I don’t actually think the number of children is the issue.

If you’re both working long hours in high pressures jobs the issue is the same whether it’s 1 or 5 children you have. You’ll need very good, reliable childcare for very long hours. The best option is of course a nanny, perhaps even 2 if you require overnight care frequently (if both travel for work?). The cost will of course differ based on number of children as will be paying multiple nursery/school fees etc

See how you get on with two! I have three (second was twins), no family nearby - it is hard, hard work and we can only do it by one of us taking our (my) foot off the pedal career-wise. The alternative was a nanny, but then I'd hardly see my kids. However pat it sounds, my only advice would be "You can have it all, but not all at the same time." Concentrate on balancing your way through the next immediate stage and see how you feel.

I have a good career (I don't know if I'd consider it 'high flying' as I'm an academic, and I'm not sure any of us are 'high flying' anymore). But I'm well educated with a very fancy sounding title working for one of the more prestigious UK universities. I only have two children, but I don't think it's impacted my career, and while I have no desire to have a third and never have, the only difference I can see would be childcare costs.

School run/sports days/school plays are largely the same time out of your day if you have 1 or 3. Childcare will cost you more, but if you have the means to pay, in theory, it shouldn't make any difference if you are putting 2 through nursery or 3. You still have to be off work to collect them at the same time.

We also don't have any family help and all sick days/holidays are between the two of us. Honestly, I don't find it a massive imposition. Dh and I share holidays and use a holiday club and I don't personally run out of AL ever. Mine have rarely been sick for any length of time. Perhaps I'm more hard nosed than most, but they always go into school unless they have a fever or D&V (or like chicken pox/COVID). No one stays home for a cough or the sniffles or a duvet day or because they didn't sleep well the night before. We had COVID over Christmas last year (so all off anyway), and other than that, they each may have had 1 or 2 days off the whole year. We both support each others careers and no one carries all the load. When I'm busy, dh is doing the school run at 3pm and homework all afternoon, and when dh is busy, it's me. We work flexibly and always have, even before dc.

Mostly, I think anything is possible if you can buy in the help. But really, with just TTC #2, see how you get on and then make a decision. Having more than one adds a whole extra level of complication and challenges that have nothing to do with career pressures. It's two sets of emotions. Two bath and bedtimes to do (so you get very little downtime in the evenings). Two rounds of night time or early morning wake-ups. Managing two sets of friend groups. The fighting. The fighting is horrendous. 😂You may find you are satisfied with stopping at two once you have them.

I have three children and am senior, not law though. But I pay for a housekeeper /nanny. I was a single parent for three years when youngest was 7-10 as I have kids five nights a week.

Now I am late 40s. Eldest is about to go to uni and the youngest is 13. Life is easier and I hope they think my example was worth it

I'm a nanny so I've seen it done loads of times. You need childcare that will care for sick kids and take them to the dentist and get hair cut etc. Do their washing etc etc. So yes it can be done but you will pay a lot for it. Childminders, nursery and school won't take sick kids only a nanny. I'd recommend getting a nanny housekeeper too so your weekend is yours not spent on housework

Please please if you get a nanny make your husband contribute!! Too many times I've worked for families and the mum is paying my wage and contributing to household bills and she's left with so little for herself. Childcare IS a household bill.

Disagree with this because of illness. I have two, it was much harder last winter when we were both working with two kids because between them they were off sick soooo much. Youngest much more than eldest but then when youngest was actually healthy for a change, eldest would get sick. Then we both also got more illnesses ourselves because there were two of them bringing two different nursery rooms worth of bugs back to us, plus we both work in healthcare and I use public transport to get to work so ourselves high risk for catching things. It was much much less stressful and easier on that front with only one child. Nursery won't take them with a lot of illnesses (and rightly so), juggling time off when likewise we don't have family able to help was extremely stressful. I'm really hoping now the youngest will be 2 this winter and has hopefully built up some immune system that it won't be as bad as last year cos we were an absolute broken couple with it all, unfortunately not exaggerating!

Of course it’s possible if you throw a lot of money at it, but is it best for the kids involved? Kids want to spend time with their parents at the end of the day, not a succession of nannies. We have three kids and whilst they love doing stuff together they also really crave one to one adult time. Each extra sibling takes time away from the others. My husband works full time in a high flying role, I work part time and would not up my hours.

Generally when you look at female CEOs they either have no children, 1 child or over 3 children lol. It’s certainly possible but the further up you go the more 1-2-1 time you’ll need to sacrifice with your kids. Also I know no senior female leader who takes longer than 3 mths mat leave - so you will need to pay for childcare from the very beginning.

Sorry, missed this. In this case then yes you're probably going to have a problem UNLESS he earns so much that he can pay for rock solid wraparound childcare.

It would be one thing if you wanted to work part time but if you are really driven and career-focused (and it sounds as if you are) and he won't give an inch in his schedule then this is going to be tough.

In this situation I wouldn't have three.

with really good childcare its possible

I have three kids, I have a stressful career, their dad not so much, but he works full-time. We're not together anymore, but we were for 20 years. My parents have been dead since before the middle one was born and his parents were working and couldn't offer any kind of support. It worked fine for us.

I agree with this entirely.

Yes it's possible if you have the money but is it in the best interests of the kids?

I gave up a high earning career in professional services 0to have 3 children and I now earn a pittance part time doing something different.

I find being with the kids often boring and frustrating (they're still pretty young) but I also do think they are 100% better off having me around as much as possible and if I had maintained my former career then that wouldn't have been the case.

So yeah, of course you can do it but if you pay someone else to do 99% of the childcare then what's the point?

Not sure what you class as high flying. I am a higher rate tax payer and have 3 kids, my first at 16, he’s not an adult and my other 2 are growing up. We paid childcare as no family. It did hold me back when they were younger but now teens / at Uni it’s much easier to give more to the job

Do you identify as a perfectionist OP? I'm asking as you're doing a fair bit of advance planning and analysis here.

My advice as a perfectionist who utterly failed at trying to balance a career and 3 kids is: you need to get very comfortable with not meeting your preferred perfectionist standards. Because you will have to choose between 2 things that are important on a fairly frequent basis, eg for me it was things like either missing seeing my child getting an award they were really proud of, or missing a work deadline. Being able to stay with my child when they wanted me to (feeling unwell in the morning, wanting to talk about a friendship issue from school, whatever) or logging on to a client meeting on time.

If you can manage your way through that, you'll have a fighting chance 💪

Also teen parenting is harder to farm out to paid help.

@Anyflippingname

Yes it's possible if you have the money but is it in the best interests of the kids?

I gave up a high earning career in professional services 0to have 3 children and I now earn a pittance part time doing something different.

I find being with the kids often boring and frustrating (they're still pretty young) but I also do think they are 100% better off having me around as much as possible and if I had maintained my former career then that wouldn't have been the case.

So yeah, of course you can do it but if you pay someone else to do 99% of the childcare then what's the point?

What about your husband? would you expect him to scale back his job to be earning a pittance and spending more time with the kids? Or is it just women who are expected to stop wanting to have careers?

And you do know, right, that using paid childcare doesn't stop you being a parent?

@TheaBrandt yes that is such a good point. My attempt at 'having it all' collapsed when my eldest was only 10. But I can't even imagine how difficult it would have been through the teen years. There is just so much parent time needed. And my observation is that if they aren't getting attention at home, they go and look for it elsewhere

Is it possible? Yes. But if you’re both going to work long hours then you’ll need a nanny or loads of family support.

Is it enjoyable? No. Not in my experience- demanding career and 3 plus kids. You’re constantly knackered and juggling, always feeling like you’re or doing either job well enough. Plus the kids I know who were constantly with nannies, at after school clubs and holiday clubs mostly didn’t enjoy that either. And I will always remember one boy aged about 7 sobbing through a class assembly because his parents weren’t there, I vowed I would try my hardest not to have that be mine.

I’ve made a deliberate decision not to go up the next career rung so that I can go to school concerts, trips, help with homework etc for the next 5-10 years and hopefully preserve mine and my kids’ mental health, I’ll probably be working for 20 years after that so to me that makes much more sense to focus on my career a bit further down the line. So I would say think about it carefully, especially if your DH is the high earner. For me something which pays the bills and I enjoy but which is manageable (TBH it’s a professional career and still pretty stressful) was the priority until my kids are much older.

How old is the current child and what childcare are they in? You said they had a nanny previously and they would be open to looking after the new baby.

To some degree it's not just can both parents have a "big job" but how flexible your jobs are. You do say there's some WFH for you both. But are they the sorts of jobs where you can be flexible and do drop offs, or pick up a child early due to illness, and you make it up at a later point when the other parent is looking after the children or late at night? Or do you have committed meetings and deadlines.

The childcare years are to some degree easier, since you can pay for 8-6 care or pay a nanny to look after kids whenever you want. Once they start school the terms only make up 39 weeks a year. That's 13 weeks you need to cover, when you definitely don't have that much leave. If you all want to go on a family holiday, that takes away from the sharing out the cover. Not many holiday clubs take 5 year olds! If you have a second child with a nanny, will their holiday dates be different again?

And school is 8:30-3 or so. I bet your work days aren't. After school clubs exist, but for reception age kids in particular they are typically shattered when they start school and they just want to come home and lie on the sofa with a snack. And maybe the school clubs only run till 530 - if you both need to work longer what would you do? That's before you get to the joy of things like staggered starts - a lot of schools have reception classes only doing mornings, or half days, for several weeks when they start. They assume there is a parent/family member freely available to pick up a child at 1pm every day for two weeks. Helpful.

As others have said - it is doable. But in the real world usually between parents one party will have a very flexible or part time job, OR there is local supportive family to help out, OR you have to throw money at the problem with a patchwork of nannies/housekeepers/various childcare clubs. And maybe a PA to handle all that!

Also think about why you want children, and especially three.

If you want children because you enjoy it and want to spend time with them then the juggle is harder.

Also, it is much easier to do the juggle when you are more senior because you have the control of your diary and you should have more money to throw at the problem.

I have a successful career but ive done it working part time. It depends if your job and industry allow that. It works for me as my role is creative so i dont have to manage anyone. Im freelance so dont sit in pointless meetings.

However. I have a child with sen which has made using childcare much much more didficult

Think about would you cope if you couldn't use after school clubs because your child ia autistic or anxious etc. These are realities