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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To split the family for Christmas?

156 replies

HelenHen · 13/10/2023 12:29

I'm from another country, living in England. Husband is English. We live near his family and see them often. They are lovely... BUT... when I moved we said we'd travel to my country every second year for Christmas, as its massive in my family. In 11 years, this has happened once.

Earlier this year, he said several times that we'd go to my country for Christmas. It was agreed. Then a month ago, he said how work was getting very difficult. He has a huge deadline in January. He said he can't go because he'll need to do a lot of work over Christmas. Money is a bit of an issue this year and his job pays well. He will get a bonus in January if the deadline is met.

I had kind of accepted that... but now I think I should take the DC's by myself. I told him that and he's obviously upset but kinda understands. Hes asked if we should give DS11 a choice and i just take DD9. So it's all on me whether I split the family or not. If it was a one off, I wouldn't do it, but every year there's a different excuse and I'm miserable every Christmas away from my family.

So... AIBU?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/10/2023 12:31

Take both of them. He’s been really unfair. Hope you have a wonderful time with your family.

SahliJ · 13/10/2023 12:33

Take them both. Have a great time. DH is an adult. He's making his choice. He will be fine.

Quartz2208 · 13/10/2023 12:35

Take both of them it is his choice to stay don’t make your 11 year old choose

Pootles34 · 13/10/2023 12:36

It depends whether you think it's just an excuse. If he's the main breadwinner for the family, and he really does have to work it, that's kind of fair enough. If it were me, I'd say stay in the UK this time, on the proviso that you buy the flights for next year now, so he can't weasel out of it.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 13/10/2023 12:37

Will your DH still expect to visit with his family on Christmas Day OP? If so, I would think him very selfish, and go with both your children to visit your own family. However, if he literally intends to stay at home all over Christmas, only taking a couple of hours off work to spend time with the kids while they open presents etc., then I would be more inclined to support him, with a definite promise that next year, whatever is going on, you go to visit your family, and from there on visit them every other year as originally agreed. As a matter of interest, why haven't you been up until now, does he always have an excuse?

IgnoranceNotOk · 13/10/2023 12:37

Take them both!
Let him see that actually now you and your children will be honouring the promise of getting to see your family for Xmas every other year and it’s your DH’s choice if he wants to spend Xmas with you or not!

Maybe next year you’ll be busy when he goes to see his family! Surely even if he got separate flights and was there for a shorter time so he could get back to work and you stay out there with the kids that’s a compromise he should be willing to do?

cocksstrideintheevening · 13/10/2023 12:38

take them both. What is the 11yo supposed to do over christmas if he is working so hard? is he still planning on going to his family for Christmas?

Why has it only happened once?

IAmHeartless · 13/10/2023 12:40

Take them both. The 11th at old won’t understand what it means on your family and will just feel like she missing dad. An the way you frame it at that age they still want to say the thing that makes the adult go “oh I love you” like saying you want to do the job parents do when grown up. Kids learn it gets a positive response from adults so say it when they don’t mean it.

XiCi · 13/10/2023 12:40

Definitely take them both. Why should your DS miss out on seeing your family and spend a Xmas alone with your DH working. Awful that you've only been able to see your family once in 11 years when you agreed every other year. Monumentally selfish of him.

Coldinscotland · 13/10/2023 12:42

Take them both. After all dh will be too busy working to look after them...

Original poster
HelenHen · 13/10/2023 12:44

Thanks all. Yes there have been excuses on other years, all valid, so I've just accepted it and stayed. Obviously covid affected a couple of years and was outside both our control.

Yes, we would still spend Christmas day and boxing day with his family if we stay. I suggested he come for the few days and fly back early, but he said it's too much pressure on him.

He also doesn't like coming anyway. Usually if I go at other times, I either go alone, or take the kids by myself. It's always a struggle not having his support.

OP posts:
Octonaut4Life · 13/10/2023 12:45

Why can't your DH go and just work while away? Surely your family would rather have him there working a bit than not at all? Can't he work remotely for a few days?

User562377 · 13/10/2023 12:45

Take them both. Don't make them choose between their parents. You make the decision for them.
He's being really unfair, unless cash is mega tight.
But it's your family, it's important. You should be budgeting all year for the trip. He can't just spring it on you now that you can't afford it.

sekift · 13/10/2023 12:49

For me it would depend on the previous 11 years. If he's been a dick just not prioritising it for you then I'd go, but tbh in the full knowledge that this is a wider problem, that your marriage is not functioning particularly well if he is ignorant of your wishes which is then also resulting in a separate Christmas.

If there have been genuine reasons as to why you haven't been able to go back, that aren't the result of selfishness on your DH's behalf, then no I would not split the family for Christmas. I say that as someone who has had to have a split Christmas due to work in the past. Nuclear family takes priority.

Original poster
HelenHen · 13/10/2023 12:51

He could come and work remotely, but doesn't want to do that because it will be a house full of people and he will struggle to focus on the job.

Money is definitely an issue. It wasn't earlier in the year but due to cost of living crisis, we're down about £1k a month. We could definitely do without the cost of it, but DH always said money shouldn't be the reason for me not going home. I am a grown up and have never done, but I know I could ask my dad for the travel money if it was the only reason.

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 13/10/2023 12:51

I would go and bring both children. I don't understand why he cant go for two/three days to be with his children christmas morning.

Only you will know but is he trying to control you?

Newestname002 · 13/10/2023 12:52

@HelenHen

He also doesn't like coming anyway. Usually if I go at other times, I either go alone, or take the kids by myself. It's always a struggle not having his support.

And there you have it. Also

Yes, we would still spend Christmas day and boxing day with his family if we stay.

So the bias is always towards is always towards his own birth family then.. 🌹

Original poster
HelenHen · 13/10/2023 12:57

Our marriage hasn't been great throughout the years, there have been many times I thought i would leave, but we're good this year. There is certainly a controlling element, but we're both guilty of that at times.

There was an incident one year with one of my family members (they were both being childish), and I don't think he's been back since.

OP posts:
OrigamiOwl · 13/10/2023 12:57

Bring both children, don't put it on your 11 year old to choose.
I'd go in your shoes. He's always going to have an excuse about why he doesn't want to visit your family at Christmas and has broken the agreement that you made. This year it's work, next year it will either be work or something else... And the next year

mindutopia · 13/10/2023 12:58

I would ask the dc and see what they want to do. Christmas is just a day really. You could do family Christmas with dh before you go. Lots of people who have to work for Christmas do this. We once did Christmas on Boxing Day and just didn't tell the dc (toddlers) because I had to emergency work on Christmas Eve/day. And then if the kids are happy to come for a visit for Christmas, that sounds fab. It sounds like a nice adventure and to see your side of the family and spend time in a new place with new things to do on days when otherwise most of us are tied closely to home and not a whole lot else is open to 'do'. I mean, lots of children whose parents have split up alternate Christmases every year.

ActDottie · 13/10/2023 13:06

I’d book in to take them both. It wouldn’t surprise me if your husband suddenly manages to come out for a bit of it. Assuming he gets bank holidays and weekends off then there’s 4 days 23-26 December he can always use to pop out to see you. Could he work from home in your country as well to get the work done during quiet periods?

Either way I’d book it and let your husband sort himself out.

Coldinscotland · 13/10/2023 13:16

Sounds like his family see plenty of you and your dc.. Time to go see your family op. Guilt free.

GingerIsBest · 13/10/2023 13:16

I think your Dh is being ridiculous.

Take both children. Quite frankly, even if he has to work, he should bloody well fly out for the actual few days of Christmas - because the people being punished here are your DC who he is basically saying, "if you don't do what I want to do, the DC will suffer".

Controlling ass.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 13/10/2023 13:17

From what you've added since my last post OP, I would definitely go to visit your family this year, and take your children with you, and he'd better be working hard over Christmas to ensure that he gets that bonus!! I would also be sitting him down, pointing out that he always make excuses as to why you can't go to your family, and you've had enough. If he wants your relationship to continue then he needs to treat you fairly, and having his own way all the time, is anything but fair!!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 13/10/2023 13:17

Please don't make your 11 year old choose. That's too much responsibility/guilt for a child. Take them both. They should spend Xmas together at least, wherever they are.
If he's able to go to his family on Christmas and Boxing Day, then he's not that snowed under that he was to work on Christmas.
Its his choice not to accompany you, but it doesn't mean you have to cancel your trip that you've been longing for.. You can have a UK Christmas celebration for the four of you before or after you go.