To split the family for Christmas?

[HelenHen]

I'm from another country, living in England. Husband is English. We live near his family and see them often. They are lovely... BUT... when I moved we said we'd travel to my country every second year for Christmas, as its massive in my family. In 11 years, this has happened once.

Earlier this year, he said several times that we'd go to my country for Christmas. It was agreed. Then a month ago, he said how work was getting very difficult. He has a huge deadline in January. He said he can't go because he'll need to do a lot of work over Christmas. Money is a bit of an issue this year and his job pays well. He will get a bonus in January if the deadline is met.

I had kind of accepted that... but now I think I should take the DC's by myself. I told him that and he's obviously upset but kinda understands. Hes asked if we should give DS11 a choice and i just take DD9. So it's all on me whether I split the family or not. If it was a one off, I wouldn't do it, but every year there's a different excuse and I'm miserable every Christmas away from my family.

So... AIBU?

Take both of your children to visit your family for Christmas. You have been home for Christmas once in 11 years and if there's an excuse every year then there's always going to be an excuse.

Do you think the excuses are because he wants to be with his family or his family would be upset that you would be leaving for Christmas?

He can't be that bothered about spending time with his family if he's busy planning a move to the US which his wife isn't even on board with.

That's a very good point @MargotBamborough

No two situations are exaclty the same but the question about whether one spouse gets to 'put their foot down' and 'stand firm' and make a unilateral decision for the family without any regard for the spouse is the same question in both. Should the father here simply put his foot down and say this is how it will be - just like posters are telling the mother to do in the other thread? That the other spouse has no choice but to forego seeing their family at Christmas if the other spouse decides that no, they will all stay home.

The fact that he promised they would split Christmases evenly between his country and hers, and has reneged on that promise for 11 years is relevant here. She would be well within her rights to insist that they go to her country for the next 11 Christmases in a row.

You do realise that if they followed the approach you are suggesting the OP would never be able to go home for Christmas because her husband will never feel like going, yes?

Personally I don't agree but the other thread is that the husband should forego seeing his family for their Christmas forever more because the wife has decided that Christmas will be a just them at home holiday.

I am against either spouse making unilateral decisions for the family. But it seems many posters support a woman making a unilateral decision that her husband will not visit his family but not a unilateral decision that a man can decide his wife will not visit her family.

The OP isn't making a unilateral decision that her husband will not visit his family at Christmas.

She's making a unilateral decision that she and their children will at long last visit her family at Christmas after more than a decade of her husband making excuses not to.

What part are you struggling with?

What a selfish man. Of course you should take both children. Awful to guilt a child into 'keeoing dad company' - and I bet he'd arrange a really crap non-event of a Christmas, anyway.

He is being selfish because he knows he can get away with it. I would definitely take both kids and probably stay a few months 😂

I'm not sure what another post has to do with my situation. I haven't even seen the other thread?

If he was to come with us, it would be possible to arrange it so that he could work in peace.

To anyone who suggested I go by myself, no... my kids need to have memories with my family and my country too. Why should I only get to spend Christmas with my birth family by leaving my kids? I have gone on other trips home by myself and always regretted not taking them.

My children see the in laws several times a week and have a great relationship with them. That is not a problem, I support it. When there are family events, I always support my husband in either keeping the kids and letting him go, or going and supporting him as a family. I never receive the same support back.

On one holiday at home DH said beforehand that i could "use him as a babysitter", he actually said those words. Yet when we got there he'd totally forgotten this. My family turned up and expected me to go out and he was all dressed up. The kids were toddlers, so i'm not sure where he thought the magical babysitter would come from. Eventually he got the hint and stayed back, but gave out about it afterwards. On the same holiday, a family member asked me if DH could do a favour for them. It was a favour I owed to the family member many times over(but I wasn't physically able to do it). Dh was annoyed at the family member for asking. Family member was annoyed DH wouldn't help. In fairness the favour would have ruined our last night plans so i understand why he didn't. This was 'the incident'.

The kids are a nice age now, but the holidays when they were younger that I had to take them by myself internationally were a struggle.

It's not that he didn't let me go back other years. It's that I didn't really fight for it, because I knew it would be too hard to go alone with the kids. I'm generally one for an easy life and quite supportive in general. Just this year is one too many

How far away is home? Flights to my husbands home country are very expensive. We have to book the second they are released in January in order to be able to afford it.
do you have any say in managing the money? Do you work? Can you save your own money to go?

Ireland. So it's not expensive at all compared to anywhere else, though we get the ferry.

Yes I have a say in money. I work full time and save a bit

He is thoroughly selfish.

His not helping with your family, you saying you didn’t feel up for fighting to take the little ones alone when you were little, him prioritising his own Father and Grandfather over yours, expecting little ones to wait for him to shower before going downstairs at Christmas(!!!) He is utterly utterly selfish!

Go with your children, have an amazing time and then start planning a contingency fund and plan for when he decides you travel to the States.

This doesn’t sound like a partnership, it sounds like boss and employee so start planning for yourself now, whilst you have the financial trappings of the marriage.

He is not going to change - he keeps telling you this every time he refuses to honour your wishes.

I really hope that you have a lovely Christmas back home with your family

After reading your responses, I don’t think it’s you splitting up the family for Christmas. I think it’s him splitting up the family fur Christmas. He sounds very controlling.
unless there’s a reason why he doesn’t like being in Ireland for Christmas?

Ireland? FFS! That’s not that expensive at all, and not that far AND he could
literally fly over for a couple of days while you all go longer.

it’s ridiculous that’s you’re being kept from seeing your family at Xmas given how quick and easy travel is, and even at Xmas not that dear z

I honestly thought you were flying back the the Philippines, not Ireland. WTF! Your husband is being a dick. Go without him because he's never coming.

I thought it was Oz or something… no way DP would try to stop us from going home to Ireland for Xmas, or Canada for that matter.
Just go. He can pick up a flight Xmas eve and back Boxing Day if he’s that busy.
Or given it’s only Ireland, just WFH there or in a cafe or something. It’s not like your in different time zones

It’s ireland 😮 tell his to stop bullshitting about work when the truth is really clear, he just doesn’t see the need to support you. And you are reconsidering the need to support him either, you’ve done it a lot and got not much back.

Ireland? That’s next level bullshittery from him. I’d be leaving him to stew and go for at least a week. Flights will be cheaper 😉 or you know, ferry sailings can be tricky that time of year……

We spend Christmas in the Uk and have only done one Christmas in Ireland. The weather was atrocious and one of those very rare winters that there is snow and proper sub zero weather. My father heated the house for about two hours every morning after that it was cram into the small family room with the fire to stay warm. Never again! We do Christmas at home on our own terms which family are v welcome to and only his take advantage of. BUT if I said I wanted to go home for Christmas he’d suck it up. (After checking I had not lost the plot)

I thought it was going to be China or Thailand at least!!

Who the hell WOULDN'T want to go to Ireland for Xmas?! You'll be out & about all day with visits, leaving a quiet house for DH to work in. We've had to do something like this on many occasions. Still worth it as can all do lovely dinners together, have the occasional small trips, etc. He really should go with you.

Sorry you guys made an agreement, it has clearly not even be half way met, time is something you cannot get back so I would take both of your children and be with your side of the family. After so many years and if he gets this promotion bonus etc I'd be demanding he book 2 weeks off over every other Christmas to facilitate this

On a smaller scale I get very irked by my partner as his family live withing 5-30mins drive mine 3hrs away I sacrificed and moved to his area on the provision we regularly went back i.e. every 1-2 months for the weekend

Now we have a child I essentially have long weekends, he can WFH but he starts to moan about having to take all his work stuff, the long drive, being tired, that we might not 'do things'
I refuse to be cut off from my family

Ireland! FFS. That makes his behaviour over the last decade even more unreasonable.

Go for two weeks and leave him to stew.

And if you don't want to move to the US, don't. Personally I think moving to the US would be very risky in your situation because you could agree to go for a year or two on a trial basis, and then if he likes it and wants to stay but you don't, you'll be stuck. The children will be considered legally resident in the US and you'll need his permission to take them to live in the UK or Ireland again. Given his behaviour and the fact that he's basically ignored the deal you had for the last ten years, I wouldn't risk it. He's shown that he can't be trusted to stick to his promises. So if the idea of potentially being stuck living in the US until your youngest child is 18 scares you, just refuse to go.

I would tell him this now. I would say that the fact that he's basically been fobbing you off about Christmas in Ireland for over a decade despite the fact that you originally agreed to go every other year shows that you can't trust him not to do the same thing on a much bigger scale over moving to the US, so you're not going, even on a trial basis, and no matter how good the salary package is. If he wants to go, he can go on his own, and you will stay here with the kids. That is what I would do.

Completely agree with pp, do not entertain the idea of moving to the US. I often advocate for both parties being away from home rather than living in one person's home country but in this case don't do it. You're unlikely to be able to work and if he can't uphold an agreement to going to Ireland as a family from the UK you have no chance of time off being spent fairly amongst your two families from the US (amongst many other issues).

The split holidays thing is a good point actually @notquitesoyoung.

The OP barely sees her family as it is, even though Ireland is a short flight or ferry/drive away and in the same time zone and everyone has a "European" holiday allowance.

If they move to the US they'll have enough time off for one two week trip back across the Atlantic per year and guess where they'll go? Not Ireland.

So she'll go from hardly ever seeing her family to literally never seeing them.

Take both of your children & have a wonderful time. Maybe husband can join you for a couple of days if he can’t spare the whole holidays. Not really ok to renege on your agreement so many times over 11 years :-)