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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To split the family for Christmas?

156 replies

HelenHen · 13/10/2023 12:29

I'm from another country, living in England. Husband is English. We live near his family and see them often. They are lovely... BUT... when I moved we said we'd travel to my country every second year for Christmas, as its massive in my family. In 11 years, this has happened once.

Earlier this year, he said several times that we'd go to my country for Christmas. It was agreed. Then a month ago, he said how work was getting very difficult. He has a huge deadline in January. He said he can't go because he'll need to do a lot of work over Christmas. Money is a bit of an issue this year and his job pays well. He will get a bonus in January if the deadline is met.

I had kind of accepted that... but now I think I should take the DC's by myself. I told him that and he's obviously upset but kinda understands. Hes asked if we should give DS11 a choice and i just take DD9. So it's all on me whether I split the family or not. If it was a one off, I wouldn't do it, but every year there's a different excuse and I'm miserable every Christmas away from my family.

So... AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
HelenHen · 15/10/2023 22:42

Thank you all. He's since mentioned he's worried about his dad's health, and said it night be best if we go without him so he can spend some time with his dad. It just confirms that it wasn't really about work and he could come for a couple of days if he really wants.

Though his deadline is real and he has struggled to take any of his holidays in full this year.

My sister has moved into a new house so that will make it a positive trip for the kids. I will definitely take them both. Thank you all for your help.

As for USA, we have not had the offer yet so do not know whether its a yes or no. But I do not plan on being a supporting act and will not consider it unless it offers sufficient independence for me. Fair point though about the difficulties I may face if we were to split. We are generally in a good place the past few months. But the previous couple of years were not good at all.

OP posts:
ReadingSoManyThreads · 15/10/2023 22:48

In my experience, also being from another country but living in England, married to an Englishman, they do often back out of their promises when it comes to visiting our homeland, or even moving there. I've been lead on and let down so many times that I now no longer get my hopes up. They tell you all the right things, then as soon as the ring is on the finger, they renege on all the plans previously agreed.

And it's not just in my experience, I hear the same thing from others...a lot...

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 15/10/2023 22:50

HelenHen · 13/10/2023 12:44

Thanks all. Yes there have been excuses on other years, all valid, so I've just accepted it and stayed. Obviously covid affected a couple of years and was outside both our control.

Yes, we would still spend Christmas day and boxing day with his family if we stay. I suggested he come for the few days and fly back early, but he said it's too much pressure on him.

He also doesn't like coming anyway. Usually if I go at other times, I either go alone, or take the kids by myself. It's always a struggle not having his support.

So he's generally a selfish twat who doesn't like seeing your family. You need to talk.

Volpini · 16/10/2023 05:02

So, he can’t leave the country for a few days’ holiday because his dad is in poor health, but he’s slaving away to win a transatlantic relocation that his wife doesn’t even want… how is that going to work? Something about this husband’s whims is not stacking up.

He knows you don’t want to relocate to America yet is carrying on chasing the promotion regardless, which would speak volumes to me about how seriously he takes anyone’s needs but his own. He sounds controlling and manipulative.

Go away for Christmas with your kids. See your family. You really sound like you need some space. Arrange therapy alone or together when you return if you havent already. XXX

DreamTheMoors · 16/10/2023 05:36

“Scrooge, I’m taking .both kids this Christmas so you can concentrate on your very important work. We’ll think about you.”

KickHimInTheCrotch · 16/10/2023 05:41

Definitely go with both DC. Your DC relationship with your family is important too.

ElleCapitaine · 16/10/2023 06:10

Go, and make sure you do it every other year from now on. Do not go to USA - he can go alone (and I bet he will).

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/10/2023 06:40

Now it’s his dad’s health, whom he sees regularly. Always something. Big excuses. No thought for your needs. No thought for your parent’s health. He sounds very selfish.

My dh is from a foreign country. We used to alternate every year until I became too ill to travel in winter. Fil was always welcome to come in the years we didn’t go. He then decided he’d prefer to come after Christmas as he found the language barrier when my family was around difficult and being with so many people overwhelming. Mil is deceased btw and fil would have been the village hermit in days of yore so he’s actually fine alone.

Now he’s too old to come. We go in the summer time as I’m better then and dh also visits him alone. Dd would never go with him alone as it would be boring for her - fil is a very solitary person. However, your situation is very different and you should absolutely visit your family alone. And visit them as often as you choose if money allows… my bet is your parents would gladly pay for your travel.

Do they never visit you ?

Forgot to add - I would be very wary of going to the US. You’ll be stuck there with the kids if you and / or they don’t like it and he wants to stay. He doesn’t have a good track record of putting anyone else’s needs first.

Bournetilly · 16/10/2023 06:51

I’d ask the DC what they want to do, especially on Christmas. If they have spent most Christmas’ with your DHs family and spend a lot of time with them they may prefer to spend Christmas that way. Christmas is more for the children and you could visit your family just after Christmas/ new year?
I would of hated it as a child if I was told we were spending Christmas with one side of the family instead of the other usual one.

WonderingWanda · 16/10/2023 07:01

Take both kids and go to your family. Everything shuts for the week over Christmas and the internet works all over the world so I don't see why your dh can't come as well, he's just being difficult. Even if it was flying to New Zealand, he could fit a week in.

DisforDarkChocolate · 16/10/2023 07:12

I think doing this is the only way you'll get him to take you seriously and go every other year.

gotomomo · 16/10/2023 07:21

If he's in line for a bonus he's office based almost guaranteed, why can't he work remotely elsewhere over Christmas, flying in later than you maybe? Sounds like excuses to me

Mikimoto · 16/10/2023 07:21

I'd normally say 100% go - my only plan B might be to have one more Xmas here if cash is tight...but buy your Xmas '24 tickets for the whole family as soon as they come out mid-Jan to have it all locked down & something to look forward to and plan for.

HoppingPavlova · 16/10/2023 07:23

I wouldn’t be happy at all. Can’t go with you due to work, but can spend time with his dad. Hmmmmm.
I’d just take both kids. They are 9/11 so no bother while travelling, you don’t need help. I wouldn’t give either the choice, just tell them they are going with you.

WowOK · 16/10/2023 07:23

Take both kids. They need to have a relationship with your family as well. They should know that side of them and their heritage.

OccasionalHope · 16/10/2023 07:24

I wonder if the money issues are another unspoken factor, especially as you haven’t yet got tickets at a peak travel time.

Gettingbysomehow · 16/10/2023 07:25

I dont understand why christmas is such a big deal. Unless you are massive Christians. Its just a day.
Every year I'm amazed at how Christmas messes up families when they don't even believe in it. Its bizarre.

BettyPhuckzer · 16/10/2023 07:37

HelenHen · 13/10/2023 18:02

Thank you all 😳 obviously then there's the guilt. Has anyone done this before? Will the kids be upset or OK? He's always a bit of a grouch Christmas morning anyway and expects people to wait for him to have a shower before the kids go downstairs (we don't) 😆

Yes, his excuses were always valid: one was when his grandad was old and sick and won't have many Christmases left. But now my dad is the same age as his grandad was then 😳

Take both children. They will love it

Go to your family for Christmas

Ask your Dad for the money so there are zero issues for DH to whine about

Original poster
HelenHen · 16/10/2023 07:38

Yes my family do visit once a year. I tend to go home one other time a year too. We're not religious, but Christmas has just always been a lot of fun in our family, and it makes me sad that my kids won't really know that. DH sees his dad about once a month, but he only lives an hours drive ago so he could see him much more often if he wanted.

I do work full time and earn a fairly average salary. DH earns 3 times my salary. He's working hard not only for the promotion, but to retain his job/salary.

OP posts:
Orquid · 16/10/2023 07:56

It is clear he doesn’t like going to see your family or to your home country so making it difficult for you. Take both kids; as you said he could come for a few days, make an effort for you and the kids.

WhiteArsenic · 16/10/2023 08:09

I’ve not seen anyone mention how sad this must also be for your birth family, almost never seeing you and your children at a festival which is important for them. Lots of people there who are sucking this up year after year. I’m at the stage of life where I’m needing to share my adult children with other families at Christmas, and of course I understand that and am delighted to welcome them when they are able to be here, but we always miss them when they are elsewhere, particularly when they are in another country and so can’t come over the festive period at all. If your dad would be happy and well able to pay for you to go there, why not let him? I bet he would think that spending his money to smooth your path to visit would be a very good use of it.

CuppaJoeJojo · 16/10/2023 08:17

I would go without him with BOTH children, your oldest shouldn’t miss out on the trip.

My DP is from overseas and we go back at Xmas every 2-3 years, pretty much alternate it.
is it expensive? Yes. Inconvenient? Yes Would I rather be with my side of the family at Xmas? Probably!
We prioritise it because it’s important for our kids to see that side of the family, be connected to their heritage, for DP to spend time there with us, and it’s just FAIR.

We’re going this year for 2 weeks, I’ll be working part of that time. Your husband is just not bothered and coming up with excuses, and if money is an issue then it’ll be cheaper to go without him.

Pit your foot down. Time for a change.

SeptemberSuns · 16/10/2023 08:20

So you'll leave your husband to earn the money for your family over Christmas while you swan off to have a nice time with family, leaving him alone. Okay!

Mmhmmn · 16/10/2023 08:21

OP. This is the crux of the issue:

“He also doesn't like coming anyway”

Being busy at work is probably an excuse not to go because he doesn’t want to. He sounds extremely selfish in not valuing your need to see your family. He’s got very used to having it all his own way. Don’t be too nice - he’s taking the piss frankly. Just because he doesn’t show them consideration, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.

Kitkatcatflap · 16/10/2023 08:21

I am the reverse if your situation, I am English but moved to my DH's country. I feel your frustration because my promised Christmas' fell by the way side too. Of course you want to spend time with your family but it's also the little traditions. It's such a magical time of year, once in 11 years is not being unreasonable.

I am glad you will go WITH BOTH CHILDREN. In your heart you know there will be another reason/excuse next year. If your DH hasn't taken any of his holiday entitlement this year, he seriously needs to reassess his work/life balance.

Happy Christmas OP

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