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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To split the family for Christmas?

156 replies

HelenHen · 13/10/2023 12:29

I'm from another country, living in England. Husband is English. We live near his family and see them often. They are lovely... BUT... when I moved we said we'd travel to my country every second year for Christmas, as its massive in my family. In 11 years, this has happened once.

Earlier this year, he said several times that we'd go to my country for Christmas. It was agreed. Then a month ago, he said how work was getting very difficult. He has a huge deadline in January. He said he can't go because he'll need to do a lot of work over Christmas. Money is a bit of an issue this year and his job pays well. He will get a bonus in January if the deadline is met.

I had kind of accepted that... but now I think I should take the DC's by myself. I told him that and he's obviously upset but kinda understands. Hes asked if we should give DS11 a choice and i just take DD9. So it's all on me whether I split the family or not. If it was a one off, I wouldn't do it, but every year there's a different excuse and I'm miserable every Christmas away from my family.

So... AIBU?

OP posts:
CuppaJoeJojo · 16/10/2023 08:24

We’ve told the kids that going to see the grandparents is their BIG Xmas present , they’re perfectly happy with that. Also DGPs have insisted on contributing towards the kids flights which we have accepted with good grace, and told them no big pressies for the kids then.
And we two have also agreed only modest gifts to each other.
That helps with the expense of the trip, and TBH none of us really need more ‘stuff’ in our lives - the experience of going to somewhere and Xmas etc is worth far more.

If your DH wanted to go, you would all go.

CuppaJoeJojo · 16/10/2023 08:25

How much help:fun is he going to be over Xmas if he’s so ‘busy’ at work anyway? I’d rather spend it somewhere with other people who have time to spend it with you and your kids.

Nanalisa60 · 16/10/2023 08:35

Take both children with you , you husband will then have loads of time to get his work stuff done in piece. Maybe before you go take your dh and the kids to a Panto here so you are doing one family Christmas thing together.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 16/10/2023 08:37

Definitely go

Lottie4 · 16/10/2023 09:05

Unless, money really is a big issue and you need to increase overdraft I'd go with two DC and ask DH to consider coming for part of it on the condition he has space wherever you're staying to work remotely.

Now is a perfect time to take your 11 year old away, in year 9 they'll start to focus on GCSEs, most start to grow up and realise they need to start working for them. Yes, they're allowed time off at Xmas, but many will also need time to do homework, coursework or revision.

Londonlondon4 · 16/10/2023 09:10

Can you all go for Easter instead? I guess if Christmas is big, Easter will also be.

AnnaMagnani · 16/10/2023 09:27

So basically he doesn't like your family/home country so comes up with an excuse every year so you can't go.

Plus he leverages the fact he is the high earner so his opinions are worth more than yours.

'Worried about his dad's health' - unless his dad is terminally ill with weeks to go this is absolute manipulative shite.

Nanaof1 · 16/10/2023 10:08

HelenHen · 13/10/2023 12:44

Thanks all. Yes there have been excuses on other years, all valid, so I've just accepted it and stayed. Obviously covid affected a couple of years and was outside both our control.

Yes, we would still spend Christmas day and boxing day with his family if we stay. I suggested he come for the few days and fly back early, but he said it's too much pressure on him.

He also doesn't like coming anyway. Usually if I go at other times, I either go alone, or take the kids by myself. It's always a struggle not having his support.

So, it's a lame excuse that he is too busy but yet has time for his family.

Wow! He is a master manipulator and everyone falls in around him.

Take your children and go see your family for the Holidays and make sure he knows that from now on, this will happen every other year, just as he said in the beginning. Moving the goalposts is such a lame move that duds seem to like to do once they "feel" in charge.

paintingvenice · 16/10/2023 10:12

If he enjoyed spending time with your family I’d believe the excuse of to much work. The fact that he doesn’t want to be there means I think he will always be on the look out for a reason not to go.
you absolutely shouldn’t put the decision of where your child spends Christmas on them - the guilt of having to pick a side is completely inappropriate.

Thebigblueballoon · 16/10/2023 10:19

He’s chatting bollocks. The work commitment is merely an excuse to avoid travelling to see your family. He isn’t intending to work on Christmas Day/Eve/Boxing Day, so he could easily take a couple of days holiday. He simply wants to see his family and can’t be arsed with the bother of yours. Take the kids and let him crack on with whatever.

GrumpyPanda · 16/10/2023 10:19

Bournetilly · 16/10/2023 06:51

I’d ask the DC what they want to do, especially on Christmas. If they have spent most Christmas’ with your DHs family and spend a lot of time with them they may prefer to spend Christmas that way. Christmas is more for the children and you could visit your family just after Christmas/ new year?
I would of hated it as a child if I was told we were spending Christmas with one side of the family instead of the other usual one.

No way to that! That's rewarding her DH for his obstructionism that according to your interpretation may have alienated the kids from OPs family. Even if so, the solution is more contact, not less.

GrumpyPanda · 16/10/2023 10:27

SeptemberSuns · 16/10/2023 08:20

So you'll leave your husband to earn the money for your family over Christmas while you swan off to have a nice time with family, leaving him alone. Okay!

Sounds like you missed the part where the husband somehow, miraculously, does have the time to swan off to his own family. As he's had the previous year, and every year before that. Okay!

Maybe go back to flipping people off in traffic to boost your self-esteem rather than abusing the OP?

Original poster
HelenHen · 16/10/2023 10:34

Kitkatcatflap merry Christmas to you too. I hope you can resolve your situation too.

Regarding money, yes we could do without spending it, but it will not make a huge dent. We have about 3 months wages saved, but we are starting to dip into (there are other spends we can pull back on). The travel will cost about £500. I have the local currency to cover our spending expenses, as my dad always gives me money when I see him and for birthdays etc (which i love because i cannot spent it here and can only be used for trips home) and I have enough saved.

No, Easter is not really a thing at all in our family. This thread is specifically about Christmas. We do make it over at other times (usually once a year), but that's different.

OP posts:
SeptemberSuns · 16/10/2023 10:38

@GrumpyPanda sounds like you need to take your own 'advice'!

Nanaof1 · 16/10/2023 10:59

HelenHen · 16/10/2023 10:34

Kitkatcatflap merry Christmas to you too. I hope you can resolve your situation too.

Regarding money, yes we could do without spending it, but it will not make a huge dent. We have about 3 months wages saved, but we are starting to dip into (there are other spends we can pull back on). The travel will cost about £500. I have the local currency to cover our spending expenses, as my dad always gives me money when I see him and for birthdays etc (which i love because i cannot spent it here and can only be used for trips home) and I have enough saved.

No, Easter is not really a thing at all in our family. This thread is specifically about Christmas. We do make it over at other times (usually once a year), but that's different.

I don't blame you a bit. It's not like you said it had to be every Christmas but every other one is fair. Too bad your DH doesn't see it that way.

I still think you and both DC can go and have a lovely time. Perhaps, if you stand up and say, "I am going to MY parent's home every other Christmas", he will know you mean it and cannot be manipulated any longer with "excuses".

Your parents won't be around forever (experience speaking). Don't pass by opportunities to see them, have them see you and their DGC and make happy memories. There are no do-overs. 😢

FreddieMercurysCat · 16/10/2023 13:17

Just ask the kids if they want to go. If they do, pack 'em up and go. If they don't then go on your own. Whichever way, it is important to you to see your family. Go see your family.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 16/10/2023 14:39

Honestly OP, get the travel booked while he's suggesting it's a good idea. If I was cynical, I'd wonder if he was hoping you'll say that you will all stay at home after all and spend Christmas with his dad.

saffronsoup · 16/10/2023 15:14

According to the other thread with the mother who wants to stay home with her kids on Christmas, there are many posters who support that. That if one parent wants to stay home and not see extended family over the holidays, then everyone stays home. Seems to be very different posters on this thread.

ChickenT2b · 16/10/2023 15:39

Not fair for 11 year old to choose and not 9 year old. They shouldn’t be choosing IMO. Too much for that age. Take them with you. He needs to get over whatever happened and move forwards. He could stay in a hotel for some quiet to work.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 16/10/2023 15:45

Take both DC I'm sure they'd love to see how much your DC have grown
It's selfish of your DH to not consider your family in 11 years and DH can always fly over if he has time between working

MargotBamborough · 16/10/2023 15:54

You are not being unreasonable AT ALL, OP.

I live in my husband's country and apart from when Covid messed everything up we have done every other year without fail.

I would be more inclined to give in this year if your husband hadn't made an excuse not to go to your country for Christmas for 11 YEARS, but I'd have run out of patience years ago in your position.

Just go, with both your kids. Don't put your 11 year old in an awkward situation by making him choose. Just say the three of you are all going to spend Christmas in your country this year and won't it be fun for them to finally experience that.

I'd also tell him privately that coming out to join you for 48 hours would not bloody kill him and it is bloody selfish of him to mar what should be a lovely Christmas for you and the kids by refusing to come.

Bloody hell.

What an arse.

And don't be strong armed into moving to the USA either.

TeamGeriatric · 16/10/2023 16:05

Just book the flights and take both kids, your husband making excuses not to visit at Christmas for 11 consecutive years is just ridiculous.

MargotBamborough · 16/10/2023 16:05

SeptemberSuns · 16/10/2023 08:20

So you'll leave your husband to earn the money for your family over Christmas while you swan off to have a nice time with family, leaving him alone. Okay!

He hasn't let her go home for Christmas for 11 YEARS!

MargotBamborough · 16/10/2023 16:09

saffronsoup · 16/10/2023 15:14

According to the other thread with the mother who wants to stay home with her kids on Christmas, there are many posters who support that. That if one parent wants to stay home and not see extended family over the holidays, then everyone stays home. Seems to be very different posters on this thread.

Probably because it's a completely different situation?

LimeCheesecake · 16/10/2023 16:16

@saffronsoup - because it’s completely different situation, in this one, both parents want to spend Christmas with extended family, it’s just the OPs DH wants to spend Christmas with his extended family again after 11 years of doing that, and the OP would like to spend Christmas with her family for a change.

@HelenHen - don’t split the dcs, don’t give them the choice. You are going to your parents, unfortunately dad can’t join you as he’s got to work all Christmas. As he’s got to work, he’s not going to be able to solo parent dc1 anyway, they’d just be shoved in front of a screen while he works so they might as well be with you.

could you compromise and hire an apartment near your family rather than stay in their house so dh can get peace and quiet to work?