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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To split the family for Christmas?

156 replies

HelenHen · 13/10/2023 12:29

I'm from another country, living in England. Husband is English. We live near his family and see them often. They are lovely... BUT... when I moved we said we'd travel to my country every second year for Christmas, as its massive in my family. In 11 years, this has happened once.

Earlier this year, he said several times that we'd go to my country for Christmas. It was agreed. Then a month ago, he said how work was getting very difficult. He has a huge deadline in January. He said he can't go because he'll need to do a lot of work over Christmas. Money is a bit of an issue this year and his job pays well. He will get a bonus in January if the deadline is met.

I had kind of accepted that... but now I think I should take the DC's by myself. I told him that and he's obviously upset but kinda understands. Hes asked if we should give DS11 a choice and i just take DD9. So it's all on me whether I split the family or not. If it was a one off, I wouldn't do it, but every year there's a different excuse and I'm miserable every Christmas away from my family.

So... AIBU?

OP posts:
Brefugee · 13/10/2023 19:14

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 13/10/2023 14:08

When you move away from your home country and leave your family behind, this is one of the things that you have to accept. That you don't get to see your family as much as you want, that life gets in the way. You know this already.

It does sound as though there's been a valid reason each year for not going. This year, too. I think you should all stay this year, and I think you should ALL go next year - whether your DH likes it or not. You've sucked it up for 10 out of the past 11 years, he can do the same for the second time in 12 years. It's not too much to ask.

Separating the family on Christmas isn't fair on your children. That makes Christmas about you, and makes them have to choose between their parents. I think it's fine for you to prioritise seeing her own family, but not at Christmas if it means separating the children from their dad.

Book NOW for next year. Get it on the books. It'll help you relax into Christmas in the UK this year, and give you something to look forward to next year. Cheaper if you book early, too.

when you marry someone who comes to your country, you do your damndest to keep your promise that they get to see their family every other year.

OP, take both kids and go (and don't worry about asking your dad for the money), leave it up to your DH to come or not. And next year you go to his family. And then the year after you and the DCs (and DH if he wants to come) again. Because you deserve to visit your family at Christmas too.

Original poster
HelenHen · 13/10/2023 19:35

Before we got married and had kids, we went back to my family lots for Christmas. At that point he wasn't close to his family and it wasn't a big thing for him. They're close now though and In fairness his mil does loads for and with the kids.

He definitely has not kept any of his promises re. travel since we got married. We met while travelling and it was always a big thing for me. He promised we'd see the world together 😂 now the only trips i get are home, if I'm lucky, alone or with the kids.

However there is an opportunity on the horizon with his work for a massive promotion, which would involve moving to USA. That's what he's working so hard for. Though I've told him I don't want to go. I've already moved for him and the only place I would like to move to is home. I won't say no till we've seen the offer... but I feel like I'm far too old and the kids are too settled... and I feel like he has a bit of a nerve tbh 😆

OP posts:
Autumnleaves89 · 14/10/2023 06:58

Op you should definitely go and don’t feel guilty about it. Also, don’t split your kids up- they should be together at christmas. I wonder if you hooked your flights and made arrangements would he suddenly decide to come, once he realised he wasn’t getting his own way?

saffronsoup · 14/10/2023 07:05

Do you have a family pot for both yourself? Why is he feeling financial pressure about your trips to see your family? Why would you ask your dad? Can you pick up extra shifts at work to better share the financial pressures?

I don’t think there is anything wrong with going but you have a responsibility to share the financial pressures and responsibilities of having a family and vacations etc.

SD1978 · 14/10/2023 07:07

You and both kids go. He's making excuses because he simply doesn't want to- has never wanted to. That's on him and is selfish as hell.

YouveGotAFastCar · 14/10/2023 07:11

Make the decision that feels right for Christmas. if that's going home, so be it.

But you must know that you also need to look at the marriage. You seem to be floating along at the moment but at some point you need to address the elephant in the room; which is that you don't have the same goals. You feel he misled you on travelling the world together, and you don't want to move to the US. He'd be missing family Christmas to try and get a promotion that would get him a US job offer...

You're modelling a pretty rubbish relationship to your children, so even if you're resigned to not being happy yourself, that's a good reason to consider this and work out where you go from here.

bungletru · 14/10/2023 07:14

take both kids and have a great time

souns like he’s making poor excuses

Nonplusultra · 14/10/2023 07:15

I think you should go. It’s his choice whether to come for a shorter time. You’re not splitting the family - he is.

If the 11 year old would actually prefer to stay home with his dad, then I’d give him that option, but definitely don’t parse it as choosing whether to spend Christmas with mum or with dad.

Were your dc not already aware that the plan was to travel for Christmas this year? I don’t think you should let them down if this was something they were looking forward to.

rocknrollaa · 14/10/2023 07:20

Take them both, don't make the 11 y/o choose.

I'd definitely go.

In all these years he hasn't prioritised it and sounds like he's not going to. That's on him really. He's caused this situation.

MangosteenSoda · 14/10/2023 07:25

He just doesn’t want to go and given that he has got his own way for the past 11 years, it sounds like he simply manages to get out of doing whatever he doesn’t want to.

I’d be dead against moving to the US because the power balance in your relationship will swing massively in his favour and you will be stuck doing everything his way and likely unable to leave with the kids if you become really unhappy.

Kattitude · 15/10/2023 18:16

Take both of the kids with you, if he’s going to be so busy working when is going to find time to look after dc?

BowlOfNoodles · 15/10/2023 18:20

Take them both its only fair they both get to be about your family

twostraws · 15/10/2023 18:26

Do you get to spend proper time with your family when it's not Christmas?

I understand the unfortunate timing of his work deadlines. I would struggle to travel at Christmas too for that reason.

But if there's an excuse every year, has he offered a compromise? Have you all been to see your family over the summer holidays? For big family birthdays/weddings/anniversaries?

He can't help being busy over the festive period. He can help never prioritising your wishes for your children to get to know both sides of the family.

If he was making an effort at other times of the year, I'd suck it up. If no such effort/compromise had ever been forthcoming, I'd just take both of them and go. TBH, if he's really busy, he'll probably be quietly relieved on one level that he can spend a few chilled days with his own family and then go home and jump back into working without being disturbed.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/10/2023 18:33

Pootles34 · 13/10/2023 12:36

It depends whether you think it's just an excuse. If he's the main breadwinner for the family, and he really does have to work it, that's kind of fair enough. If it were me, I'd say stay in the UK this time, on the proviso that you buy the flights for next year now, so he can't weasel out of it.

Every other year tho he promised and it's been once in over a decade. He'll find SOME way out.

Tell the kids they're coming with you and of Daddy is able to come and sorts it he can join you. No point leaving DS when DH will be SO terribly busy as he needs to work

Pumpkinpie1 · 15/10/2023 18:34

Husband has decided his “family” takes precedence. If he was so bothered about deadlines he would spend Xmas and Boxing Day at home not with his Mum and Dad.
OP is growing resentful and I can’t see this changing without a shift in his attitude.
The kids are missing out knowing their cousins and Maternal grandparents and that seems very unfair. Ditch the presents and see the family instead. It’s really up to Husband if he comes. OP has said he can work remotely so his excuses are very thin

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 15/10/2023 19:09

I think you should work on you and the kids going for a couple of weeks and him just joining for a few days over Christmas. Tell him that will give him plenty of time alone to probably be focussed on work and do overtime

Highandlows · 15/10/2023 19:13

Take both. Honestly, I know exactly how you feel.

Nicole1111 · 15/10/2023 19:37

Go and enjoy a fabulous Christmas doing something different with your children. He could make it work for a few days if he really wanted to but I suspect he thinks by saying he won’t go you’ll back down. When you go he’ll either realise you’re serious and change his mind or he won’t and it will hopefully give him time to reflect on what’s important and to appreciate you more

laurajayneinkent · 15/10/2023 19:53

He sounds selfish and controlling. You should definitely go with both kids. Don't make either of the children decide. If he can't/won't work remotely, he should fly out for a couple of days to be with you all. If he won't do that, still go, and still take the kids. Have a lovely time xxx

Adelebo · 15/10/2023 21:27

Get the flights booked for you and your children your husband can add his if he changes his mind
At the kids ages they will love the adventure and excitement of seeing your side of the family and sharing the festivities with them
as a compromise why not have an early christmas with your inlaws before you go the kids will love having two christmas days and having the best of both worlds
Have a fabulous Christmas x

Lifetooshort23 · 15/10/2023 21:52

There’s a quote going round on instagram that says about being replaceable at work, but not at home… I don’t think it’s meant just for women…

Casperroonie · 15/10/2023 22:05

I'm from another country originally and it is heart breaking to miss out on big family occasions.

Try to take them, explain to your husband why you really need to if necessary and take BOTH children. They should not be split. They have dual heritage and should experience family life with their other side too, they will be missing out on this. Try to somehow save up ( I can't remember if you said you work or not) to try and have a good summer holiday as a family. When you're dual heritage you need to know both sides, it's part of you make up.

stichguru · 15/10/2023 22:14

How genuine is his deadline, and could he have planned to get the work done sooner? I mean if he's failed to organise it properly to have the time off that he said he would take, then I would tell him you are going away with the kids and he needs to either stay on his own or organise his work so he can come too. If it's literally something that has been thrown on him after he's organised his leave that for some reason he can't say no to, then you should stay this year. Also I think depends on what your kids would think. I think my son would be heartbroken not to be with daddy for Christmas morning, so unfair to punish your kids for Daddy's behaviour. However your kids might be excited to be with your family Christmas morning and not mind too much that Daddy wasn't there.

Maddy70 · 15/10/2023 22:18

They both go. Also, flights are not that expensive. (Unless it's somewhere long-distance surely he can come put for a xpuplle pd days at least. And you could go for longer? He could join you for the Xmas day.

You take both children whatever

unicornflakegirl · 15/10/2023 22:28

HelenHen · 13/10/2023 19:35

Before we got married and had kids, we went back to my family lots for Christmas. At that point he wasn't close to his family and it wasn't a big thing for him. They're close now though and In fairness his mil does loads for and with the kids.

He definitely has not kept any of his promises re. travel since we got married. We met while travelling and it was always a big thing for me. He promised we'd see the world together 😂 now the only trips i get are home, if I'm lucky, alone or with the kids.

However there is an opportunity on the horizon with his work for a massive promotion, which would involve moving to USA. That's what he's working so hard for. Though I've told him I don't want to go. I've already moved for him and the only place I would like to move to is home. I won't say no till we've seen the offer... but I feel like I'm far too old and the kids are too settled... and I feel like he has a bit of a nerve tbh 😆

Do go to your home country for Christmas and New Year, let DC experience the traditions go that side of their heritage. Use some of your time away to reflect on the marriage, see if you miss him or not.

Whatever you do exercise extreme caution regarding a move to the US in an unhappy marriage, if you split whilst there you could find it hard to get your DC back to the UK.