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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To split the family for Christmas?

156 replies

HelenHen · 13/10/2023 12:29

I'm from another country, living in England. Husband is English. We live near his family and see them often. They are lovely... BUT... when I moved we said we'd travel to my country every second year for Christmas, as its massive in my family. In 11 years, this has happened once.

Earlier this year, he said several times that we'd go to my country for Christmas. It was agreed. Then a month ago, he said how work was getting very difficult. He has a huge deadline in January. He said he can't go because he'll need to do a lot of work over Christmas. Money is a bit of an issue this year and his job pays well. He will get a bonus in January if the deadline is met.

I had kind of accepted that... but now I think I should take the DC's by myself. I told him that and he's obviously upset but kinda understands. Hes asked if we should give DS11 a choice and i just take DD9. So it's all on me whether I split the family or not. If it was a one off, I wouldn't do it, but every year there's a different excuse and I'm miserable every Christmas away from my family.

So... AIBU?

OP posts:
NotSorry · 13/10/2023 13:19

He also doesn't like coming anyway

and there's the real problem - I'd take both kids and let him work

Twentypastfour · 13/10/2023 13:23

I don’t understand why you’d give an 11 year old the choice but not a 9 year old.
If the DC have a decent time there generally, and you think they’d enjoy Christmas, just take them both. I’d hate to separate my DC on Christmas Day.

Beautiful3 · 13/10/2023 13:24

Yes take them and go. Life's too short.

LondonPapa · 13/10/2023 13:41

OP, I’m surprised you’ve put up with this. I’ve a similar arrangement. This year is different due to increasing costs of flying to her home country so we’re going later in January but otherwise, we’d be there for Christmas and New Year this year. Couldn’t imagine not being there after saying we would and with agreement for the alternate visits.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 13/10/2023 13:48

Go and take them both. If he doesn't fly out to join you for at least a few days then he's an arse.

Newestname002 · 13/10/2023 13:57

HelenHen · 13/10/2023 12:57

Our marriage hasn't been great throughout the years, there have been many times I thought i would leave, but we're good this year. There is certainly a controlling element, but we're both guilty of that at times.

There was an incident one year with one of my family members (they were both being childish), and I don't think he's been back since.

There was an incident one year with one of my family members (they were both being childish), and I don't think he's been back since.
This would be a reason why your visit back to your family is constantly put back by your husband then.

I would definitely visit them this Christmas, without your husband if necessary, taking both children with you, especially if your family members would help with the cost. 🌹

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 13/10/2023 14:08

When you move away from your home country and leave your family behind, this is one of the things that you have to accept. That you don't get to see your family as much as you want, that life gets in the way. You know this already.

It does sound as though there's been a valid reason each year for not going. This year, too. I think you should all stay this year, and I think you should ALL go next year - whether your DH likes it or not. You've sucked it up for 10 out of the past 11 years, he can do the same for the second time in 12 years. It's not too much to ask.

Separating the family on Christmas isn't fair on your children. That makes Christmas about you, and makes them have to choose between their parents. I think it's fine for you to prioritise seeing her own family, but not at Christmas if it means separating the children from their dad.

Book NOW for next year. Get it on the books. It'll help you relax into Christmas in the UK this year, and give you something to look forward to next year. Cheaper if you book early, too.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 13/10/2023 14:09

I think it's fine for you to prioritise seeing her own family, but not at Christmas if it means separating the children from their dad.

The dad could join them for a few days.

Tinkerbyebye · 13/10/2023 14:40

I would take both kids. And if he really wanted to he could fly out with you say 23rd stay over Christmas and fly back on his own 26th or 27th and you come back later

he is not being honest with you

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 13/10/2023 14:43

JemimaTiggywinkles · 13/10/2023 14:09

I think it's fine for you to prioritise seeing her own family, but not at Christmas if it means separating the children from their dad.

The dad could join them for a few days.

Yes, this is true. I guess it depends on whether OP accepts that the "pressure" of doing so would indeed be not worth it, like he said. Only the couple know what his job is like and what it entails for him and the family.

caringcarer · 13/10/2023 14:51

Go to visit your family and take both DC with you. I think your DH is being mean not to go for a few days with you.

MysteryBelle · 13/10/2023 14:57

Take both children and go. You miss your family and they have a big Christmas every year and you’ve missed out so many times.

I think your husband is being manipulative trying to get one of the children to stay home. Both your children need to see your family on occasion.

At some point, perhaps sit down with your husband and settle the matter over the family member fallout so that it is no longer an obstacle for him. But even considering that, he’s been very unfair to you over the whole ongoing situation.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 13/10/2023 15:30

It sounds as if he's finding excuses not to come, so on that basis I would take both your children and see your family. Just think how much extra work he can get down while you're away... He's choosing not to work remotely or travel for a shorter period so he can get back for work.

If he'd made more of an effort in the past, and it was completely impossible for him to travel then that would be a different story, and I would have everyone stay in this country.

MardiLisa · 13/10/2023 15:36

Is there any way you could take the children for a longer visit and he just joins you for 2 or 3 days?

Assuming you see your own family rarely, it would be important for the 11 year old to see them, spend Christmas in your culture etc. Don't make them pick their favourite parent.

cartagenagina · 13/10/2023 16:16

Your DH has been very selfish.

Take both DC. If he chooses not to spend Christmas with his children then that’s his decision.

IMarchToADifferentDrummer · 13/10/2023 16:20

You and your DC go, and have a great time with your family!!
Your family and your DC deserve to see each other and enjoy Christmas together!
Leave DH to enjoy Christmas in the office or with his family, it may wake him up to the fact that he should not renege on promises such as this.

Sparkletastic · 13/10/2023 16:28

Take both kids. Don't put that pressure on one of them to 'save daddy's Christmas'. He's already said he needs to focus on work. Not fair to child left behind if that's the case.

Original poster
HelenHen · 13/10/2023 16:29

DS11 is more like his dad anyway and a bit of a homebird, which was why he suggested giving him the choice. But I agree that its not fair to put it on him, so I will just decide for all of us either way. I think it would be selfish to convince DS to stay if DH is working all the time. He will end up spending all the time on the xbox or with the in-laws, who he sees a few times a week anyway.

They rarely see their cousins and do enjoy spending time with them and I want them to have these fond memories when they're older.

OP posts:
Coldinscotland · 13/10/2023 16:54

Your dc really should spend Christmas together. If dh makes little effort ds will likely blame you for not taking him or just going and leaving him. Either way I bet dh lets you appear The Bad Guy..

Gymnopedie · 13/10/2023 17:05

OP go, take both DCs with you and have a lovely time. Your Dh's plan is that older DS will choose to stay at home, you'll feel guilty about leaving him, so you won't go. DH gets his Christmas with his family as always and I bet he wouldn't spend the whole holiday working.

Time to call his bluff with his excuses. Just go, and ignore anything else he might do/say to pile the guilt on you.

Awrite · 13/10/2023 17:09

I agree with the consensus - take them both.

Start asserting yourself. You are important too remember.

Original poster
HelenHen · 13/10/2023 18:02

Thank you all 😳 obviously then there's the guilt. Has anyone done this before? Will the kids be upset or OK? He's always a bit of a grouch Christmas morning anyway and expects people to wait for him to have a shower before the kids go downstairs (we don't) 😆

Yes, his excuses were always valid: one was when his grandad was old and sick and won't have many Christmases left. But now my dad is the same age as his grandad was then 😳

OP posts:
Blueisacolour · 13/10/2023 18:17

Definitely go, take the kids and have fun. I regret not having more holidays with my family when the kids were younger - this was mainly because DH didn't want to go (and I did understand why - he really wouldn't have enjoyed it), but me and the kids would have loved it. Now parents and kids are all older and it won't happen any more. I went once with the kids, alone, but looking back, I wish we had done it more.

MardiLisa · 13/10/2023 18:59

"He's always a bit of a grouch Christmas morning anyway and expects people to wait for him to have a shower before the kids go downstairs"

Sorry what? Ugh.

SahliJ · 13/10/2023 19:03

HelenHen · 13/10/2023 18:02

Thank you all 😳 obviously then there's the guilt. Has anyone done this before? Will the kids be upset or OK? He's always a bit of a grouch Christmas morning anyway and expects people to wait for him to have a shower before the kids go downstairs (we don't) 😆

Yes, his excuses were always valid: one was when his grandad was old and sick and won't have many Christmases left. But now my dad is the same age as his grandad was then 😳

Kids adapt. I am sure they will be excited. Let them be, build it up into a great adventure and an opportunity to have an amazing ( but possibly different) Christmas with your family.