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Original poster

To call off the wedding because he won't get a vasectomy

574 replies

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 10:48

Me and dp, 27, have had dc not too long ago. We both agreed for various reasons (health,money ect) that we don't want another child and that is that. Whenever we get pressed on when we are going to have the next one dp always calmly responds with "we won't be" and it made me feel relief that we are on the same page.

Without getting into details i had a horrible birth and pregnancy and have been told that if I have a second I will have an increased risk of getting certain illnesses. Even to this day I'm still suffering with side effects of the pregnancy, which I don't know if it's normal or not. But at 27 I've accepted my body isn't the same anymore and is more like used goods. I've come to peace with never being the same condition again.

Dp agrees he would never want to put me through it, and values me and dc we have now as a priority.

Great!

So we have discussed many a times, him getting a vasectomy. Mainly because it's more accessible and easier for him to do rather than me get my tubes tied. He said he would start looking into it all. Except, nothing has come from it. As a consequence I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy. Yes we use contraception but we all know that isn't full proof. The other night we talked about our wedding for next year and I brought up the topic of the vasectomy. He very quickly said "but its so permanent"....

Now I'm so confused. I said to dp I thought that we agreed we was on the same page. Yes we are still quite young fertility wise but we've had the substantial amount of experience to know another child isn't what we want, and pregnancy on my body is definitely something I CANT and WONT have again. I said to dp that inclined he may want the choice to change his mind down the line and if that is the case who does he have in mind because it won't be me?

Now I don't know what to think. I have this horrible gut feeling he will secretly want kids further down the line, we will get married, he will realise this and leave me for another woman. I don't understand where any of this has come from. Dp has witness first hand how awful it all was for me and said he would never want to inflict that trauma onto me again. But clearly although he parades around telling others and me he doesn't want another child he subconsciously does?

In this the end of our 5 year relationship? Do I call off the marriage. I'm so confused and tired from the thought of this a

OP posts:
Catza · 13/10/2023 16:08

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 11:57

I'm leaving this thread now as I've been told ahundred times I can die tomorrow or my partner can divorce me. Therefore everything in life is meaningless. I might as well not even buy a place with this man incase we hypothetical divorce in the future, got to protect myself and think of my best interest incase we aren together.

It's quite the opposite. I think people are trying to tell you that life is full of meaning and you should live it in the moment rather than try to excavate ulterior motives in everything your partner thinks and does. You are the one who speculates abut the children he may or may not want in the future instead of enjoying the present with someone who I assume is a good partner and father today.

Firsttimemum120 · 13/10/2023 16:14

@Messymaker jts your mentality that’s wrong. You go and get sterilised if that’s what you want but don’t force your partner into it if I was him I’d reconsider the marriage anyway.

Original poster
Messymaker · 13/10/2023 16:20

@Firsttimemum120 this dig is getting boring. Luckily for you you aren't marrying me so off you go

OP posts:
Original poster
Messymaker · 13/10/2023 16:21

Considering I gave him a child at the expense of my body and mental health when I didn't want to I'm really not going to feel that he is all that hard done by. He has done nothing for me or this relationship. And he won't ever have to because he is a man.

All he has to do is have sex with me and that's as far as the expectation goes.

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 13/10/2023 16:26

Honestly I never understand the ops who post on here when they are 💯 certain they are right and are not for changing . Why would you bother if you're not going to change you mind regardless of what is said on here ?

ShellySarah · 13/10/2023 16:29

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 16:21

Considering I gave him a child at the expense of my body and mental health when I didn't want to I'm really not going to feel that he is all that hard done by. He has done nothing for me or this relationship. And he won't ever have to because he is a man.

All he has to do is have sex with me and that's as far as the expectation goes.

With that attitude don't marry him. And good luck finding a new partner who wants no children of their own and willing to take on yours.

You don't have to get married.

Screwballs · 13/10/2023 16:30

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 16:21

Considering I gave him a child at the expense of my body and mental health when I didn't want to I'm really not going to feel that he is all that hard done by. He has done nothing for me or this relationship. And he won't ever have to because he is a man.

All he has to do is have sex with me and that's as far as the expectation goes.

Cor blimey love, why are you marrying this man? You sound like you despise his existence. And your poor child, what a lovely sentiment.

Lemonyfuckit · 13/10/2023 16:30

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 16:21

Considering I gave him a child at the expense of my body and mental health when I didn't want to I'm really not going to feel that he is all that hard done by. He has done nothing for me or this relationship. And he won't ever have to because he is a man.

All he has to do is have sex with me and that's as far as the expectation goes.

OP if that's how you feel "he has done nothing for me and this relationship" then it doesn't sound as though you should be getting married, vasectomy or no vasectomy.

You came on AIBU to ask whether you're being unreasonable. Many many people have calmly explained to you yes you are and why, but you don't agree. I wonder given the above post whether actually you don't want to marry him and the vasectomy thing is a handy excuse. It's fine to change your mind you know, you don't have to go through with the marriage if it's not right and you have changed your mind (see what I did there?......)

StillStuckInTheShed · 13/10/2023 16:30

OP you keep saying you gave him a child at the expense of your health... Very gently, the only one who could make the decision to have the baby is you. He didn't force you into that. You chose it.

You could very well have said I don't want this baby... its within your rights to do so.

Just as its in his rights to not want a vasectomy.

Flowergarden73 · 13/10/2023 16:32

You sound ridiculously immature.
you come on a thread asking if your being unreasonable, told you are and you start capital letters about it, getting angry and attacking people who comment their opinions!
You’re being unreasonable end of. You don’t like that answer that’s tough.
I think you’ve got a lot of growing up to do tbh.

scoobysnaxx · 13/10/2023 16:34

@Crazycrazylady neither do I! Utterly pointless.

OP it sounds like the question you should be asking yourself is should my partner and I even be together?

Considering he's done nothing for you or your relationship as you say. And you have PTSD from birth and "other things" in your relationship.

It sounds like you have massive resentment towards him and want him to 'pay up'/sacrifice something for you to even the playing field.

Despite it being a permanent procedure he is clearly unsure about doing.

Pallisers · 13/10/2023 16:36

You definitely should not get married. I don't think this relationship is good for you.

EvelynBeatrice · 13/10/2023 16:37

I think the Mumsnet massif is a bit strange on this topic. While it is never right to blackmail anyone into doing something with their body, that’s a simplistic way of looking at what’s going on here. There always seems to be a strangely man centred way of looking at contraceptive and reproductive responsibility. Sure he doesn’t want a vasectomy, but the other side of that is that you are forced to consider taking the risk of another pregnancy to your considerable detriment, or of a far more invasive sterilisation procedure on yourself after you have already suffered massively. I can understand you thinking he may have changed his mind about more children and is keeping his options open. Or it could be that he’s worried about complications and ongoing pain from vasectomy which do afflict a minority of men. So there’s a conflict of interest between you. I think you need to find out what he’s thinking. Once you know that, you can decide on which of the options available to you are most palatable. That may be breaking up, avoiding penetrative sex, being sterilised yourself or none of these. Hope you’re ok.

Babyboomtastic · 13/10/2023 16:38

Given your general attitude
His behaviour towards you
You refusing to have sex with him until he has a vasectomy
The obvious bitterness you have to having your existing child with him
That you think you have PTSD from the relationship

Whether you marry or not, this relationship isn't going to last is it? In which case, what on earth is the point in the vasectomy anyway?

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 16:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

StBernie · 13/10/2023 16:41

I get where you’re coming from OP. I think the problem here is he’s not being completely honest with you. He led you to believe he’d get one but changed his mind without telling you.

Aprilx · 13/10/2023 16:41

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 11:02

I think you are all missing the point here. We agreed we don't want children. But as pp just mentioned he clearly is "keeping his options open" which makes me feel he is being untruthful with me and himself.

It's not fair for me to MARRY this man thinking we are both okay with a future of no more children for him to still be on the fence about it.

I will NOT be changing my mind as I value my health and want to be in good health for the child I already have. So if that is the case then I don't see the point in this relationship anymore.

Vasectomy or not him telling me about not wanting to do anything permanent clearly means he wants the option to potentionally have more. That won't be with me. So where is this relationship going and why am I committing to someone where it will only inevitably not work further down the line

People not agreeing with you are not missing the point, they simply don’t agree with you. I also don’t agree with you.

He is too young at 27 to be doing this and it is his body and his choice. And anything can happen in the future, including you getting hit by a bus or you leave him. It is not sensible to make assumptions on who’s life might pan out.

It is you that is so adamant about no more children, so then it is down to you to go for surgery if you are not happy with the alternatives.

Original poster
Messymaker · 13/10/2023 16:41

@EvelynBeatrice considering its meant to be mainly women on here it's crazy how biased it is to men. Everyone wants to be seen as the I'm not like other women type of girl.

OP posts:
Sartre · 13/10/2023 16:44

DH had one at 28. We knew we didn’t want more children and he had no desire to move on and have them with anyone else if we did ever separate either so it just made sense to. It was honestly the quickest procedure ever, think it took 5 mins in the GP surgery. He was in pain for about a week but nothing as bad as post c-section… He was fine really, went to work like normal the next day. No idea why so many men make a big deal out of it.

I think your DP wants another child.

zingally · 13/10/2023 16:54

Reverse this. If it was a man saying to a woman "get sterilized or the wedding is off!" People would be up in arms.

As others have said, 27 is very young to draw such a permanent line under your fertility, male or female.

Daisyislazy · 13/10/2023 16:57

I wouldn't be getting married in these circumstances and I would be seriously considering the relationship, there seems to be so much resentment and a real lack of communication

Daisyislazy · 13/10/2023 16:58

Everyone enters marriage hoping it's forever but it's naive not to consider that it might end

OhmygodDont · 13/10/2023 16:59

I mean you are completely free not to marry him for whatever reason you want.

But if you so desperately need to not get pregnant marrying him or not you should get your tubes tied. Because snipping one vas does not stop you getting pregnant but snipping or tying your tubes protects you forever.

Dh got snipped as we mutual agreed when he was middle/late 20’s so age alone isn’t a reason.

Babyboomtastic · 13/10/2023 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

"Considering I gave him a child at the expense of my body and mental health when I didn't want to I'm really not going to feel that he is all that hard done by."

I didn't say you didn't love your child. I said you were bitter. That much is evident from your posts.

Original poster
Messymaker · 13/10/2023 17:02

@Babyboomtastic I'm bitter at what expense it cost me to bring this child into the world. I don't recognise myself anymore meanwhile the guy gets to remain unchanged. I'm not bitter at my child for this. I love dc with my whole heart and wouldn't change them being here for the world

OP posts: