To call off the wedding because he won't get a vasectomy

[Messymaker]

Me and dp, 27, have had dc not too long ago. We both agreed for various reasons (health,money ect) that we don't want another child and that is that. Whenever we get pressed on when we are going to have the next one dp always calmly responds with "we won't be" and it made me feel relief that we are on the same page.

Without getting into details i had a horrible birth and pregnancy and have been told that if I have a second I will have an increased risk of getting certain illnesses. Even to this day I'm still suffering with side effects of the pregnancy, which I don't know if it's normal or not. But at 27 I've accepted my body isn't the same anymore and is more like used goods. I've come to peace with never being the same condition again.

Dp agrees he would never want to put me through it, and values me and dc we have now as a priority.

Great!

So we have discussed many a times, him getting a vasectomy. Mainly because it's more accessible and easier for him to do rather than me get my tubes tied. He said he would start looking into it all. Except, nothing has come from it. As a consequence I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy. Yes we use contraception but we all know that isn't full proof. The other night we talked about our wedding for next year and I brought up the topic of the vasectomy. He very quickly said "but its so permanent"....

Now I'm so confused. I said to dp I thought that we agreed we was on the same page. Yes we are still quite young fertility wise but we've had the substantial amount of experience to know another child isn't what we want, and pregnancy on my body is definitely something I CANT and WONT have again. I said to dp that inclined he may want the choice to change his mind down the line and if that is the case who does he have in mind because it won't be me?

Now I don't know what to think. I have this horrible gut feeling he will secretly want kids further down the line, we will get married, he will realise this and leave me for another woman. I don't understand where any of this has come from. Dp has witness first hand how awful it all was for me and said he would never want to inflict that trauma onto me again. But clearly although he parades around telling others and me he doesn't want another child he subconsciously does?

In this the end of our 5 year relationship? Do I call off the marriage. I'm so confused and tired from the thought of this a

This website is frankly bizarre. I have only been here a while but so many threads are full of people suggesting all sorts, going out of their way to miss the point and playing devils advocate to the extreme. I wonder how many posters stop posting anymore after this sort of treatment. If this is how some of you talk to your friends about their problems in real life you surely wouldn’t have many friends for long.

OP, you hate your children's father. That's ok, I am not judging you, we are free to hate anyone. But why the hill do you want to marry a person you hate so much?

Considering I gave him a child at the expense of my body and mental health When I didn't want to - You didn't give him anything against your choice, unless he actually held a gun to your head and made you procreate. You did it with consent, at least at that time. It's not all on him. You love the product of this decision, but hate the person who made you do it. Can't you see how messed up this is?

And he won't ever have to because he is a man. - Yes, men are scum etc, even I have a lot of bitterness about men. but this particular man should not have to be the brunt of all your dislike and resentment just because men all over the world are getting away with m*rder.

I'm really not going to feel that he is all that hard done by. He has done nothing for me or this relationship. - This right here, is all you need to stop your marriage and just go your own way. Vasectomy or no vasectomy, that's all immaterial now, you don't love this man, so do not marry him. There is no coming back from this because you are determined to make him as a villain and yourself as the poor victim, and this attitude will only worsen if you get married.

For God's sake, let this man go and find someone else. You please go on your own journey. You two are done.

OP after reading your subsequent posts I have changed my mind.
I think you have taken a perfect moment in your relationship when you were both in blissful agreement over your future together and hung your AIBU on that past, fixed moment in time.

It’s not unreasonable that his feelings would evolve the more he pondered and gathered information for himself on the idea of a vasectomy.
But it is understandable you feel very let down now he is wavering and indecisive in the cold light of day. In the meantime, it’s the very nature of a relationship that wisdom grows from experiences and emotions move on. You have admitted that you were already changed as a person and bitter about your sacrifices in giving him a child and I would expect those feelings have heightened for you now that he has moved on with his thinking ( changed his mind)
So I agree that this state of affairs is no happy foundation for marriage for either of you. There are too many obstacles already and unwillingness to overcome them with further discussion and time. Wavering and indecision from him and mistrust, resentment from you. And all the time, your absolute priority being to protect yourself from childbirth which it seems he isn’t prepared to honour at all. He can’t have it both ways. For that alone, you would be wise to give yourself a breather from the relationship and yes, let the idea of marriage go.

I would not marry a man who raped me. That is what you are suggesting here.

I do understand why you feel like you do, and if you want to call off the wedding, then that is your choice. However, I do think YABU and could regret that decision.

Your DP is sensibly considering the possibility that circumstances might change in the future. He doesn't want them to, he's not planning on it, but things can change.

Every relationship can fail. Everyone could experience a loss. It sounds to me, he is happy to accept no more children with YOU.

He's just not willing to accept that at 27 that nothing will ever change that could mean, under difference circumstances (and I think he means out of his control, not his choice) he could want more children.

You feel that no matter what, you wouldn't have another child. But he doesn't.

I don't think this means he doesn't love you or isn't on the same page about children in your SHARED future.

Keeping his fertility is an insurance policy for him, in case things go wrong. Same as life insurance, or having a will.

You are equating having a vasectomy to a symbol of his commitment. And I can see why. But I think you need to take a step back and try to see this from a practical point of view.

Perhaps some therapy, together, and separately, to address how you feel, both about your experience of childbirth and moving forward could help.

In the kindest way OP you sound quite overwhelmed about this right now and I think you could regret it in the future if you end your relationship over this.

I wouldn't be getting a vasectomy at 27 either. If you don't want more children. Then you get sterilised. He's obviously happy with your decision not to have more but doesn't want to have it done. Fair enough

My DH had a vasectomy at 26yo. 6 days after our second baby was born.
He was always adamant he only wanted 2, and we'd had 2.
I had a c section with our first baby and bad gestational diabetes with our second and a second c section.

I'm glad he had it done, it means no more "what ifs" about a 3rd baby. We're 100% done. And when I read mumsnet threads about men running off and starting a second family, I am very selfishly glad he can't do that (though I have been torn apart on threads before when I stated that, especially with the whole "you could die tomorrow" stuff).

We have a great sex life and us both knowing pregnancy isn't a worry has definitely made it more enjoyable.

Good luck OP, I do think I would have felt how you feel.

I would be surprised if a doctor would be willing to perform it at his age.

@Messymaker

Based on this alone, please don't go ahead with marriage. A man who orgasms inside you when knowing you wouldn't consent to it because of health risks due to pregnancy is not a good man.

He also clearly isn't on the same page as you regarding fertility. He's all cheap talk and no action. If my husband knew my health was at risk from a future pregnancy he would have a vasectomy to protect me, whether he wanted more kids or not and without me having to ask. Because he loves me and considers our marriage a permanent arrangement. Christ if there was something I could do to protect my husband's well-being, I'd do it like a shot.

Unfortunately due to the trans issue Mumsnet now gets a LOT of men posing as women coming on from Reddit and 4chan. They come on to bully and silence women and stop us having a discussion space. You can spot them a mile off. Look for postings in quick succession which contain the same language. In this instance it was 'his body, his choice'. Which is obviously meant as a fuck you to women who want control over their own fertility. If you see a rash of posts like that on any thread, it's safe to ignore them.

Anyway this man doesn't value you, isn't honest and clearly does not respect your boundaries. Personally I'd hot foot it out of there.

Which is obviously meant as a fuck you to women who want control over their own fertility.

So if the OP wants control over her own fertility she must sterilise herself.

Supposing he has a vasectomy & they split which seems likely - what happens then? She asks the next man to have the snip?

Controlling your own fertility means being responsible for your own contraception which she needs to do.

@ShellySarah this!!!! The arrogance of this poster.

Don't mess up your relationship for this. Abortions exist for this reason and there is nothing wrong with abortions if you don't want children

Are you saying he raped you?

What? So you are suggesting OP just has the mindset that pregnancy isn't anything for her to worry about because she could keep having abortions? If she can't face sterilisation she surely can't face that.
What a horrible post.

Finishing inside without consent is not equal to r@pe. It makes the man an arse and deserved to be dumped, but not a r@pist. Unless OP can clarify if the entire intercourse was non consensual

Yes. I wish posters like these fck off from threads and take their bloody transphobia with them.

You should have your tubes tied for your own health.
He has other options.
He might decide on using a surrogate, not neccessarily wanting to take up with another child bearing woman in future.

Have you decided not to have your eggs frozen? Would you ever use a surrogate?

OP says she is on the waiting list for PTSD therapy.

I agree that it would be better in the general circumstances for OP to be sterilised, but best practise means that a permanent procedure of this kind will not be carried out under certain circumstances, which include not within a year of events with major impacts. So depending on what has led OP to be on that waiting list, she may not be a candidate for the procedure right now.

And I think it would be wrong for DP to be sterilised against his wishes.

Which leaves you with the choice of reversible contraception, sexual contact that does not involve PIV intercourse, or celibacy. Given your more recent posts, the latter might be the best option, as it seems there is a lot you need to sort out.

I don't think this thread is about vasectomy really - I think it's become some sort of emblem of your struggle, and I think that may be what you need to focus on. I hope the therapy that you say you need will be available to start soon.

This is what I'm trying to clarify because the alternative in this scenario is that she's relying on him to withdraw and giving that she's terrified of getting pregnant that seems ridiculous

Also it seems a bit 🙄that in order to avoid getting pregnant, she is practicing abstinence? Aren't condoms an option? If not, isn't avoiding fertile days (at the most 5-6 days a month) the second best option? Why'd you avoid sex on all other days too, doesn't make sense?

Also you'd need to avoid only intercourse, not sex. There are many pleasurable ways of being intimate with one's partner, without having intercourse. The fact that OP seems to believe that only vasectomy or abstinence can prevent pregnancy, is disturbing. It's like she wants to punish her DP in some way or other (demanding vasectomy, celibacy) for what she believes, that she was forced to have kids by bim. But she also loves her kids! Ergo, the only 'bad' person according to her here is her DP.

YABU. 18yr relationship here. 3 kids and zero unplanned pregnancies thanks to condoms.

Condoms are very effective if used properly.

I wouldn't have a vasetomy after 1 DC, thats silly. Divorce rates are high, if he has a different relationship in the future, he's going to likely want another child as it's your experience of pregnancy and birth that's limited how many children you have.

I know it's not nice to think about but it's the reality.

Condoms alone are not a great means of contraception if you absolutely positively definitely need not to get pregnant. But having reread the OP's posts I can't see any reason why she wouldn't chose a hormonal IUD which is a gold standard form of contraception, probably equal to vasectomy and actually more effective than having your own tubes clipped.

Normally in vasectomy row threads the woman in question "has a problem with hormonal contraception" but here we just know that she's had one contraceptive failure of unspecified type and therefore doesn't trust it in general (which raises the question of why she should trust vasectomy which also has a small failure risk).

Non PIV sex is of course an option, and it's flawless if you actually stick to it but, like condoms, it's only as good as your mutual willpower (along with the serious question about the DP not sticking to agreements).

Don't mess up your relationship for this. Abortions exist for this reason and there is nothing wrong with abortions if you don't want children

Horrendous. Contraception exists for this reason. Abortions should not be considered a form of contraception and they should be for exceptional circumstances. Not using contraception and relying on abortions is despicable.

I think, gently, YABU. Yes, you don't want anymore children, and you have agreed that you don't want any more children. However strong your feelings are, 27 is young, and you also might change your mind in a few years despite your difficult pregnancy and birth.

You might want to consider things like what if you died accidentally? He would be unable to have children in future.

It would be easier for you to go through the female version of a vasectomy (tubes tied?). I also think it's unfair to call off a wedding because of it.

He already has a child. No one needs to be producing multiples on a burning planet.

Honestly the deference paid to male procreation is bizarre!