To call off the wedding because he won't get a vasectomy

[Messymaker]

Me and dp, 27, have had dc not too long ago. We both agreed for various reasons (health,money ect) that we don't want another child and that is that. Whenever we get pressed on when we are going to have the next one dp always calmly responds with "we won't be" and it made me feel relief that we are on the same page.

Without getting into details i had a horrible birth and pregnancy and have been told that if I have a second I will have an increased risk of getting certain illnesses. Even to this day I'm still suffering with side effects of the pregnancy, which I don't know if it's normal or not. But at 27 I've accepted my body isn't the same anymore and is more like used goods. I've come to peace with never being the same condition again.

Dp agrees he would never want to put me through it, and values me and dc we have now as a priority.

Great!

So we have discussed many a times, him getting a vasectomy. Mainly because it's more accessible and easier for him to do rather than me get my tubes tied. He said he would start looking into it all. Except, nothing has come from it. As a consequence I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy. Yes we use contraception but we all know that isn't full proof. The other night we talked about our wedding for next year and I brought up the topic of the vasectomy. He very quickly said "but its so permanent"....

Now I'm so confused. I said to dp I thought that we agreed we was on the same page. Yes we are still quite young fertility wise but we've had the substantial amount of experience to know another child isn't what we want, and pregnancy on my body is definitely something I CANT and WONT have again. I said to dp that inclined he may want the choice to change his mind down the line and if that is the case who does he have in mind because it won't be me?

Now I don't know what to think. I have this horrible gut feeling he will secretly want kids further down the line, we will get married, he will realise this and leave me for another woman. I don't understand where any of this has come from. Dp has witness first hand how awful it all was for me and said he would never want to inflict that trauma onto me again. But clearly although he parades around telling others and me he doesn't want another child he subconsciously does?

In this the end of our 5 year relationship? Do I call off the marriage. I'm so confused and tired from the thought of this a

I don't know what everyone's problem is OP, they all pile on you and then wonder why you get a bit pissy - hmmm I wonder.

They all seem to have missed the part where he finished inside you without your agreement when you were supposed to be avoiding getting pregnant and that as a result you don't have much trust for him. But they're like a dog with a fricking bone over it being his body - which is true but completely missing the point.

He sounds like a bit of an asshole to be honest who wants to keep his options open. You're not going to feel safe unless he has a vasectomy so I think you'd be best to call off the wedding and call it a day. He does not prioritise your safety and who wants to be with someone like that.

This stance is so tedious. If it was a man posting the same thing here he would, quite rightly, have been torn a new arsehole and flounced off by now. Just because people aren't agreeing with you doesn't mean they are biased towards men.

Considering you say you have PTSD from this real auto shop you'd be mad to marry this man any and this issue is a red herring.

My take is always if YOU, personally, don't want any (more) children - then get sterilised - but it has to be a YOU don't want anymore, rather than you as a couple don't want any more

My husband had one and one of the questions he was asked was 'if your partner and children died and you ended up in another relationship would you want another child?' his answer was 'no I wouldn't' it sounds like your partner's wouldn't be - it doesn't mean he wants another child, but to rule it out completely is a big thing

His body, his choice.

Where exactly did the OP said that this is what happened? My understanding was that their existing contraception failed which could have been an accident or misuse on the OP’s part, for example (maybe forgetting the pill). The real question to ask yourself is would you have your tubes tied at the age of 27 because your partner downs feel safe? I doubt it somehow

You don't sound very stable. Insecure. I try to say that kindly- I don't think you're looking at this in a rounded way.

Have you had alot of trauma op?

If he's committed to you and cares about you and wants to have sex with you with absolutely no chance of you getting pregnant, then there's only one option, isn't there? Given the fact that most vasectomies are reversible, and another pregnancy could be deeply traumatic for you, he shouldn't be hesitating, imo. The fact that he is either means a) he's afraid of the procedure or b) he's not that committed to the relationship and your well being.

Something about that story doesn’t seem right - if OP getting pregnant again is so dangerous to her health why were they having unprotected sex in the first place - she’s adamant he needs to have a vasectomy but was prepared to use pull-out method? (Obviously if she didn’t consent to him finishing inside that’s completely wrong if he did it on purpose but there is always a bit of a risk of that with pull-out?)

No. Biology would suggest there are TWO options.

You might leave him?

You might die?

Your might change your mind?

You are being unreasonable.

Also, if you feel this strongly, why are you even asking us?

Just leave him, nobody’s making you stay, you’ve clearly made up your mind, so just do it!

Wow, this is really not on. People questioning OP's mental health and stability because her boyfriend is backtracking on a mutually agreed plan of action that involves her actual physical health??

It's not crazy to want to avoid childbirth again. It's not unstable.

You know, any time a woman is posting on Mumsnet about her absolutely shitty, abysmal reproductive choices, from having kids in toxic relationships to getting pregnant on a one-night stand with a stranger to having kids she cannot afford to rear, the rallying cry is always "It's his responsibility too! Men need to step up and control their fertility! It takes two to make a baby" "It shouldn't be just on you!" "He knew pregancy could result; if he didn't want to be liable for CM he should have kept it in his pants" on and on and on.

But now that we have a woman who expects her man to take on the responsibility of contraception, AS THEY AGREED, she's told that she is crazy, robbing him of bodily autonomy, not considering that he may want kids with someone else in the future and all the rest of the bullshit that has been posted here today. Whatever happened to "it takes two" and "men are just as responsible as women for contraception" ???

Talk about hypocrisy and double standards. The sacred sperm must swim free at all times, eh? Men must always be able to procreate on demand. No wonder there are so many women having too many kids with shit men.

Also: as to the "he can wear a condom" crowd, would you sign up for decades of condom use? As a woman, I really prefer sex with a trusted, tested partners sans condom. Doesn't everyone?

They all seem to have missed the part where he finished inside you without your agreement when you were supposed to be avoiding getting pregnant and that as a result you don't have much trust for him. But they're like a dog with a fricking bone over it being his body - which is true but completely missing the point.

If a pregnancy could kill me I certainly wouldn't be relying on the 'withdrawal' method.

People are not challenging her mental stability due to her boyfriend’s choices but her responses on this thread.

Ffs OP will NOT change her mind?!

literally why would she do that to her mind and body after the last time?! Have you not read her posts?!

Who would give a 27yr old a vasectomy? Think most clinicians would say no. On the NHS it is considered irreversible. Alternative reversible contraception is preferred.

@lemmein I didn't. If you read my post properly I said he did it without asking me.

We don't have any sex to avoid me getting pregnant since.

Jesus, in that case, she should definitely call off the wedding then. What's the point of marrying a man who is already thinking of having children with another woman?

Ohh okay so now I'm being blamed for the downfall of my relationship because I'm not proposing and allowing sex. Come off it. I really can't get over this website. I thought this was an empowering understanding safe space for women.

All I've seen so far from the majority of people is belittling, name calling and men favouritism.

@VeronicaSawyer89 my point exactly.

I think you will be hard pressed to find a surgeon that would give such a young man the snip anyway and that also goes for sterilising such a young woman. You both need another plan.

OP. Read the room. Most people disagree with you...

Hi Op I think you've taken a real pummelling on this thread.
Fwiw I do think it's his body his choice, but I can see why it would make you waver, because you feel he might have an agenda in his back pocket that is not in alignment with what he told you.

However what struck me was one of your first replies on the thread, when you said you don't see the point of the relationship any more.

Forgive me but can I just give my opinion? The point of your relationship is to have a loving family in which the three of you spend many happy years, and crucially, to support and nurture your existing child. I don't think that his not wanting a vasectomy is a backtrack on his commitment to you and your child.

As pp said you can cancel a wedding for any reason you want but do make sure it's the right decision for your family.

I don't know why but this thread has seem to hit a nerve with a lot of women out there.

Regardless I would appreciate if we all stop talking about the theoretical death of me or/ and my child as I'm finding it particularly distressing to read @MNHQ I did ask for this thread to be taken down foe this reason.

this thread didn't hit a nerve on MN. Women gave advice that you asked for. you didn't like it. It hit a nerve with you.

and if you can't talk about the theoretical death of you or your child then you'll find making a will very triggering. And by the way you should make a will now that you have a child.

and going back to the OP. No, you should not marry this man. and he should not marry you. Neither of you sound mature enough for marriage.